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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never go on holidays with these friends again

44 replies

paintityellow · 23/08/2023 12:03

Just back and bloody relieved. Two couples and we both have children around the same age - 7 to 10. Other couple's children were just a PITA throughout the holiday. Huge tantrums if they didn't get ice cream/sweets/toys in any shop we went into, tantrums and sulks because they didn't like the beach/funfair/swimming pool, allowed to stay up until the adults went to bed every night whining, interrupting the conversation, wanting something else on the television.

Our friends just gave into them all the time. Not only was it then difficult to tell our children that they couldn't have more sweets or another beachball or a second coke in the cafe; or to make them go to bed at a reasonable time when the other kids were allowed stay up until midnight; they also spoiled so many outings with their sulking, whinging to go home, refusing to take part in stuff etc.

We normally get along fine with these friends, although I always found their children a little bit spoiled and whiney. But I really had no idea just how badly indulged they are, and I found myself getting so exasperated with our friends for constantly pandering to this behaviour.

Other couple are already talking about going away again during half term; AIBU to resolve never to go away with them again, or at least not until their children are safely grown up and planning their own holidays.

OP posts:
Biker47 · 23/08/2023 12:05

Holidays are rare enough that if someone spoils them there's no chance I'd go away with them ever again.

AtleastitsnotMonday · 23/08/2023 12:06

There is no way I'd be going with them again. Stick to your guns and keep holidays family only going forward.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/08/2023 12:07

Never holiday with friends if you’d like to keep them.

rookiemere · 23/08/2023 12:10

It's very difficult with different parenting styles and fair enough to not repeat it if it's not been an enjoyable experience.

KarmaStar · 23/08/2023 12:14

Yanbu!!
Day no.I wouldn't give excuses I would say no and if they pushed I would tell them that your parenting choices do not coincide and leave it at that.🌈

Lottapianos · 23/08/2023 12:15

Sounds bloody awful OP. Not a chance I would even consider going away with them again

Hibernatalie · 23/08/2023 12:19

Just the letting them stay up until the adults go to bed is enough for me. It's not a holiday if you have to spend your adult time with other people's kids.

ManateeFair · 23/08/2023 12:20

It is never unreasonable to not go on holiday with other people, whether that's friends or family. Your trip with your friends sounds like a nightmare for all the reasons you mention, but even if you'd got on really well with them, YWNBU to say no to a second trip. It's perfectly normal not to go on holiday with friends (or extended family).

ShineLikeA · 23/08/2023 12:24

Look, it happens a lot -- what seem like slight parenting differences are magnified on holiday where you're together for long periods in different surroundings, especially if it's hot and the children are stressed by unfamiliar food or routines, or don't know what's 'allowed' in terms of treats.

I don't think you need to point the finger of blame, just acknowledge (in your own head) that it wasn't fun for you, and that you won't be doing it again. Saying you've got different plans for halfterm doesn't need to be some big deal/declaration of war.

AngelinaFibres · 23/08/2023 12:26

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/08/2023 12:07

Never holiday with friends if you’d like to keep them.

This. I have a fabulous friend of 40 years duration. We spend lovely days together. I could not ever go on holiday with her.If you add children in then you've got totally different eating habits,sleeping times and rules about everything from acceptable breakfast foods to how many ice cream etc.Massively stressful

BellaJuno · 23/08/2023 12:31

I will holiday with others as long as we’ve got separate accommodation and we’re not joined at the hip - so still do things independently of the other family for some of the time. Otherwise no, I won’t do it.

Silvers11 · 23/08/2023 12:32

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/08/2023 12:07

Never holiday with friends if you’d like to keep them.

This! Excellent advice!

Hummingbird89 · 23/08/2023 12:33

Nah yanbu. They sound a nightmare.
I have 2 friends who I enjoy holidaying with-out parenting styles are extremely similar, our kids are all well behaved and get on really well. Anything less is a recipe for disaster.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 23/08/2023 12:35

We travelled to Spain to meet up with friends for a holiday.
Never a fucking gain.
Once went camping with different people uk .. We took a weekly shop. They brought- on friend's knee - wrapped in foil......
A cooked chicken.
That was it folks.
Vowed never again to share a holiday.

Howtohideasausage · 23/08/2023 12:36

The staying up until adults go to bed is a massive No for me. Had that on a holiday with friends a few years ago. Then their bloody kid was up at the crack before mine. No thanks.

Sceptre86 · 23/08/2023 12:36

If they ask if you'd like to do a joint thing then just say no. You don't need to elaborate but if you want to, come up with an excuse. That is if you want to keep the friendship otherwise you could tell them you're not the type to make the same mistake twice and would rather poke yourself in the eye. It's up to you.

It's also why we don't go away with my bil and their family. Their kids go to bed later and wake later. They dont have as many kids as us and their son is older than our eldest by 2 years. I don't mind mine going to bed later on holiday but the toddler would start playing up by 9pm especially if she didn't get a decent nap during the day. Bils family are very laid back on holiday and won't leave to go anywhere till mid afternoon whereas with our kids we like to get going in the mornings to make the most of the day as they will be up by 8am at the latest. Neither approach is wrong it's just what works for your family.Holidays for most are few and far between and I wouldn't want to compromise so we tend to go as a family.

MissMillyFluff · 23/08/2023 12:38

YADNBU!! You must feel like it was a total waste of money and time off. Not my idea of fun.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/08/2023 12:39

I didn't vote because of course it isn't unreasonable to avoid going on holiday with them, but as far as parenting...everyone does it differently, and if you are surprised by that and have trouble accepting it, you shouldn't go on holiday with other families either, at least until the children are older.

We don't because after a few days I get sick of almost anyone, and I know that about myself now!

Hooplahooping · 23/08/2023 12:48

The single most important quality of any friend, in this intense + child focussed season of my life, is that our parenting styles are compatible.

I have plenty of people I love, who we don’t spend family time with because we do life differently. That’s ok. i’m sure there are different ways to be happy - but to protect my peace + make sure we get the most out of quality family time (of which there is precious little with jobs + school etc) we are pretty particular about who we hang out with en masse.

it doesn’t need to be judgy - it’s healthy to set boundaries around your unit!

Positive41 · 23/08/2023 13:06

I never go on holiday with anyone other than my DH and DC. I can manage ONE night but no more than that! I find people get moody, body clocks differ, children get annoying. Lots of waiting around for others to get ready.

I like just relaxing and doing what we want to do, when we want to do it. The kids go to bed and we are left with a couple of hours on the balcony. Absolute bliss

Overdemanding · 23/08/2023 13:07

Trips with friends can be great, but never with other people's children and a short break is preferable to a full holiday

GingerIsBest · 23/08/2023 13:10

I think it's perfectly reasonable not to want to go on holiday with them again. It's not compatible.

I think the staying up one is enough of a reason and one that can be said without sounding unpleasant. "Oh, it's so lovely but we're still at the point where we love it when the ids go to bed early and we can enjoy a drink so let's put it off for a few years..."

I mean, my kids tend to go to bed late on holiday. But DH and I don't mind because usually they're doing their own thing AND, very importantly, they sleep in. So we all get to enjoy long lie ins and slow mornings which, for me and DH, is important. But I 100% appreciate that for other families, they'd far rather the kids were in bed by 8pm and they could then enjoy a long childfree evening.

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/08/2023 13:11

Silvers11 · 23/08/2023 12:32

This! Excellent advice!

Show quote history

It really is.

My relationship with my oldest friend was ruined when we took her on a city break with us 8 years ago. It was just awful.

Peony654 · 23/08/2023 13:14

YANBU at all. You don't even need a reason. Just say you have decided to have holidays just you as a family, you don't need to say why. I didn't think it was that common to go on holiday with another family. I used to go on holiday with my best friend's family when I was young because she was an only child, but just me, not my whole family.

MissAtomicBomb1 · 23/08/2023 13:24

YANBU
BUT...you are coming over as being a bit judgey here. It just sounds like you have different parenting styles. We are probably similar to your friends in that we indulge the kids for a week on holiday in a way that we wouldn't the rest of the year. Also a 10yr old will probably want to stay up a fair bit later than a 7yr old. No excuse for whining and tantrums but the rest I don't see an issue with. Sounds like you're not suited to holidaying together. The flip side is that they probably found holidaying with you a bit restrictive.

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