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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In love with a man I've never met

29 replies

Iknowimanidiotksjdjd · 23/08/2023 11:56

Name changed for this

I feel so stupid. Met a guy online dating, but we live far from each other - hours apart. We've been speaking for about 2 years but have never met in person.

various reasons for this, I'm a single parent with no other support so don't really get lots of free time - not enough that I could go away to a different city for the weekend etc

he has a very intense job and often has to travel to other countries for work

as I said we've been speaking for over 2 years. In this time we've both dated other people but nothing has ever stuck and always kind of drifted back to each other.

honestly I'm completely head over heels for him, but it's so stupid. How can I feel so strongly for someone I've never met?

I also know that there's no way it would work. My life is here, his life is there, neither of us would be willing to compromise on that. He doesn't want kids, I have kids.
it just couldn't work. But still I can't seem to cut him off, every time he messages I say this is going to be it, I need to cut the cord but I never do.

please give me the kick up the bum I need to stop putting my time and emotions into this situation that isn't going anywhere.

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 23/08/2023 11:58

There is no way a real person chatted with you for two years. Read up on catfishing and end it.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 23/08/2023 11:59

He's married.
Nobody's job is so intense that they can't make a single trip in 2 years.

You are not in love- you've never met him. He might make your skin crawl in real life.

Just stop contacting him and stop responding and concentrate on real life.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/08/2023 12:00

There's no harm in having a guy you chat with online as long as you aren't kidding yourself that something is going to happen.

It sounds like the friendship is a bit of a safe fantasy. Nothing wrong with that either. Your post made me wonder if you'd been hurt before.

It becomes a problem if it gets in the way of real life relationships, and all their imperfect details. If that's the case, then a therapist might help to provide a space to unpick your feelings.

unvillage · 23/08/2023 12:03

pikkumyy77 · 23/08/2023 11:58

There is no way a real person chatted with you for two years. Read up on catfishing and end it.

Bullshit. I have dozens of friends who I've never met. Decades-old friendships.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/08/2023 12:04

You’re in love with the idea of a person. You’re right, it’s going nowhere, end it now.

ShineLikeA · 23/08/2023 12:05

For one thing, dial down the rhetoric. You're definitely not 'in love with' someone you've never met and who has shown you only a tiny part of who he is. You know nothing about him.

For another, if he wanted to see you, he could travel to you. DH holds down an 'intense job' with large amounts of foreign travel with parenting, being a husband and doing his share of running the household, having friends etc. There's no way he couldn't have made it to your city, even for a day or two, in two full years. He doesn't want to and/or is married.

Anyway, that's largely irrelevant. The thing is this is damaging your life, occupying your headspace, and preventing you from finding a satisfying real relationship with someone prepared to put himself out for you.

EvilElsa · 23/08/2023 12:06

It's not love, it's an obsession. He's giving a confidence boost that feels good and you don't want to let that go. It's an escape from real life, a fantasy.
The person you've been chatting to is very unlikely to be everything they've made out. My (now deceased) FIL met a women online who lived in another country. Apparently they were in love after a few days and he flew out and married her. Surprisingly it didn't last and the marriage was over after a very turbulent few years. Both were not the person the other had expected. FIL ended up broke, NC with his own kids and died a miserable lonely man.
I would make steps so I couldn't contact him. Delete all details and any copies of details.

LillianGish · 23/08/2023 12:10

You need to listen to this [[https://www.tortoisemedia.com/listen/sweet-bobby/

Sweet Bobby - Tortoise

Episodes Sweet Bobby is a live, multi-part investigation in search of one of the world’s most sophisticated catfishers. It’s a story about who we are online, and how social media can be weaponised as a tool of abuse and coercion. Read more Team Alexi M...

https://www.tortoisemedia.com/listen/sweet-bobby/

JBLZoom · 23/08/2023 12:30

LillianGish · 23/08/2023 12:10

You need to listen to this [[https://www.tortoisemedia.com/listen/sweet-bobby/

Was just going to post the same link!

You absolutely must listen to this OP. It'll tell you everything you need to know. It'll be the best thing you do for yourself.

knobheed99 · 23/08/2023 12:31

You aren't in love with him. Read up on limerance.
There's no way the two of you couldn't have arranged to meet in 2 years if you really wanted to make it happen. So that means one or both of you didn't really want to make it happen.
You say it can't work and give very valid reasons for this.

So you have to put a stop to it now. You obviously can't keep it as a friendship because you have more feelings than that - again, see limerance. And the only way to deal with that is to have no contact with him.
I suggest you message him and say that it's not working for you and you want to move on with your life so you'll not be contacting him again.
Then make a chart and reward yourself 30, 60 and 90 days if you don't contact him. I had to do this with a really toxic ex to wean myself off him. I chose 3 treats for myself and put them on a calendar on the fridge and then ticked off the days.

AcesBaseballbat · 23/08/2023 12:33

unvillage · 23/08/2023 12:03

Bullshit. I have dozens of friends who I've never met. Decades-old friendships.

Show quote history

I have close friendships with people I met online too, but I feel like platonic friendships are different from online romances.

SunsetOverParadise · 23/08/2023 12:54

I don’t think it’s as black and white as people are saying. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. The distance with online interactions can provide freedom to be more yourself with someone than if you know them in person. You can develop deep intimacy in this way. It’s nuts to think a two hour date every few weeks with someone for six months, mostly revolving around movies or activities, can provide more knowledge about someone.

However, until you meet someone there will be parts that are unknown too. The way you physically gel with someone. Pheromones. Habits. They all matter too.

With your case in particular, I would suggest letting it go. Because you already know you are not compatible.

Fiekcjdiwldnfjri · 23/08/2023 12:56

If he wanted to he would

FucksSakeSusan · 23/08/2023 12:58

Look up limerance, and listen to all the signals he's giving you.

frozencarlotta · 23/08/2023 12:59

unvillage · 23/08/2023 12:03

Bullshit. I have dozens of friends who I've never met. Decades-old friendships.

Show quote history

Friendships or relationships?

manilowmagic · 23/08/2023 12:59

There is no way a real person chatted with you for two years. Read up on catfishing and end it.

That isn't true in my case. I have chatted with people online, some for over 20 years now, and they are VERY real despite not having met some of them in real life. Others I have met after more than a decade of chatting online and they all were exactly the same in real life as they were online.

AmazingSnakeHead · 23/08/2023 13:16

For me the big alarm bell is that he travels for work but won't travel a few hours to meet up with you. If he were who he says he is and were in love with you, he could spare a weekend. What's the distance we're talking? You can get to almost anywhere in the UK for a few hours on the train and travel back the same or following day if you really really want to. I've done this for friends' weddings, work trips, etc. So I would say he's either lying doesn't feel as strongly as you do, both would be reasons to end it.

I don't think that you're silly for falling for a man online, and disagree that in itself is a red flag. In my youth I fell madly in love with a man I had only ever chatted to online, chatted for maybe three years. He was a real person, and I felt exactly the same about him IRL when we finally met up as I did online. But the reason it took so long to meet was he lived in the States, and we were young broke students. As soon as we had enough money we met up IRL and it would have been much sooner if he had lives on the same continent as me or if either of us had a job. In the end the romantic relationship fizzled out because we were unwilling or unable to move to each others countries, but we stayed friends for years and it was nice to chat online to someone who I felt knew me so well, and who I also felt I completely understood.

So all in all, I'd say carry on if it makes you feel happy to have someone in your phone to talk away to, but if it's hurting you or if you want more than an online friend I'd step away.

19lottie82 · 23/08/2023 13:43

Hi OP. I’m sorry I have to agree with the others. If he really wanted to he could have visited you for a couple of days in the past two years, no matter how intense his job is.

IMO he’s either

in a relationship / married.
Isn't who he says he is.

or 3. Isn’t as into you as you are him. He just sees you as someone to occupy his time online.

I understand why you feel like you do.
you romanticise what your relationship “could be”, without all of the negative points of a real life relationship.

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/08/2023 13:46

My bet is that he's married but enjoying a fantasy, online relationship with you.

10HailMarys · 23/08/2023 13:49

He travels for work all the time, but can’t travel to meet up with you. Right.

He is either not who he says he is, or he’s married.

When you say you ‘talk’, how are you doing that? You mention that he messages you, but what about phone calls, or Zoom, or FaceTime? Is he on social media? What are his profiles like? Lots of friends or very few?

pizzaHeart · 23/08/2023 13:49

Highlyflavouredgravy · 23/08/2023 11:59

He's married.
Nobody's job is so intense that they can't make a single trip in 2 years.

You are not in love- you've never met him. He might make your skin crawl in real life.

Just stop contacting him and stop responding and concentrate on real life.

This^
it’s a bit like being in love with a musician in your teen years. Pure fantasy.

Richmondgal · 23/08/2023 14:03

unvillage · 23/08/2023 12:03

Bullshit. I have dozens of friends who I've never met. Decades-old friendships.

Show quote history

no one has dozens of real friends
a person you type to or talk to on a phone is not a friend
you only get to know a person by spending time in real life
real friendships are formed when you know someone and communicate
95 percent of communication is body language which you don’t get on a screen or phone

CoreopsisEverywhere · 23/08/2023 14:05

You’re in love with the idea of him (which will bear little relation to the real him) and the idea of being in love.

ImABox · 23/08/2023 14:06

Another vote for he’s married sorry.

No one is that busy that if they wanted to see you he wouldn’t drive the 2 hours to see you when the kids were in bed or with their dad. People commute that to work in a day!

You’re comforting and a back up option he’s kept you on.

ImABox · 23/08/2023 14:08

Richmondgal · 23/08/2023 14:03

Show quote history

Sorry bullshit. Not dozens but being disabled I have 3 friends I call best friends. These are people who I communicate with entirely through messaging. They know more about me than people I meet up with locally. I met one of them the first time I travelled to see them after a death to support them after years of chatting.

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