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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH tonight

42 replies

redambergreen70 · 22/08/2023 23:57

I go away tomorrow for a few days on business. I’ve spent the evening packing for myself but also sorting everything for DH and our DC whilst I’m away - meals, clothes, etc so DH doesn’t need to worry about anything. DH has been on the sofa watching TV and relaxing, rolling his eyes when I’ve asked him to do the odd small task to help me.
I suggested we watch some tv in bed before we sleep to relax and spend some time together to which DH agreed. I came to bed and DH said it’s too late and he’s going yo sleep.
AIBU to think that it would have been nice for him to help but at the very least, spend half an hour with me before I go away tomorrow?

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 23/08/2023 00:00

Does he think you are unnecessarily fussing spending your evening getting clothes and meals ready for while you’re away? Seems odd to do everything for him but expect him to help also. Surely he doesn’t need to prep all the clothes now when he can do it day by day?

2oreosandmilk · 23/08/2023 00:00

YANBU. The kids are his responsibility as much as yours. I’d be sure to not shop/cook/prepare next time and see which he prefers? If he prefers the prep, he helps prep.

as for time before you go away, it really depends how long you’re away for, what quality time you usually have and what time you’re both due to be up I suppose. Although I’m sure 1/2 hour wouldn’t hurt anyone as a one off tbh so still I’d say YANBU.

Blobblobblob · 23/08/2023 00:01

You really shouldn't baby him. He doesn't appreciate it so why bother?

He's an adult, presumably he can cook and organise clothing?

mullyluo · 23/08/2023 00:02

If you both normally work why did you need to sort everything out for him? I suppose it would have been nice for him to spend time together but it doesn't seem like he's appreciates the fact you're getting things ready for him so I would have just sat down and watched TV whilst he was.

Greensleeves · 23/08/2023 00:04

Maybe he wanted to spend the evening with you, but you wasted it all bustling about doing tasks for him that he is perfectly capable of doing by himself? My DH would be confused and insulted if I infantilised him like this. He's more than able to feed and dress his own children Confused

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 00:06

Yeah joining in the others wondering why on earth you were sorting meals and clothes? He's an adult. Just pack your bag and chill together.

SleepPrettyDarling · 23/08/2023 00:08

Your problem is your DH sitting on the sofa watching you go to great lengths to make your away time run smoothly, and he can’t be bothered to help. And then withdrawing. Why is he punishing you?

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 23/08/2023 00:11

Are youbsome what of a self inflicting Martyr?

You needed to sort your stuff out for the trip on your own. That's it.
He doesn't need to help you with that.
You didn't need to do any of the other stuff. You could've left it.

You chose to do it. So you chose to waste your time that could've been spent chilling with him.

Original poster
redambergreen70 · 23/08/2023 00:12

Whilst he is more than capable of feeding and clothing his children, I would receive constant calls to ask what he can make for dinner, where are certain items of clothing and what the children need for that day.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 23/08/2023 00:14

redambergreen70 · 23/08/2023 00:12

Whilst he is more than capable of feeding and clothing his children, I would receive constant calls to ask what he can make for dinner, where are certain items of clothing and what the children need for that day.

What would happen if you didn’t take the calls, didn’t immediately respond?

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 23/08/2023 00:14

So don't answer. Send one text telling him to figure it out then put your phone on silent.

Aprilx · 23/08/2023 00:15

redambergreen70 · 23/08/2023 00:12

Whilst he is more than capable of feeding and clothing his children, I would receive constant calls to ask what he can make for dinner, where are certain items of clothing and what the children need for that day.

Just leave him to it. You are babying a grown up man. You know he will manage if he has to.

Greensleeves · 23/08/2023 00:15

Then make it bloody clear to him that you are working, you are not available to nursemaid him through the basics of caring for his own children.

Also, tell him nothing makes a woman's knees snap shut faster than strategic incompetence.

toomuchlaundry · 23/08/2023 00:16

Then tell him you can only speak to him at one point in the evening as you are at work, so he will have to work out everything else by himself

TeaKitten · 23/08/2023 00:18

redambergreen70 · 23/08/2023 00:12

Whilst he is more than capable of feeding and clothing his children, I would receive constant calls to ask what he can make for dinner, where are certain items of clothing and what the children need for that day.

So just don’t answer, he’s either capable or he’s not, and you say he is. You are not his mother, stop babying him and he will do fine. If he can’t think what to make for tea and you don’t answer the phone the kids won’t starve, he will work it out.

Missingthegore · 23/08/2023 00:19

Things might not run how you want but I bet he will manage to clothe and feed everyone
Stop being his PA

FOJN · 23/08/2023 00:21

redambergreen70 · 23/08/2023 00:12

Whilst he is more than capable of feeding and clothing his children, I would receive constant calls to ask what he can make for dinner, where are certain items of clothing and what the children need for that day.

How do you know he's capable of he constantly calls you for help and direction? That's not my idea of capable.

It's rather pathetic of a grown man to take so little interest in his children and domestic grunt work that he can't even manage for a few days without a helpline.

Leave him to it. If he calls then tell him to get his shit together, you are not his mum.

InWalksBarberalla · 23/08/2023 00:24

This makes no sense to me - you are going for a few days business trip - would take around 30 minutes to pack? Leave him to it, if he rings you'll either be on the road or in meetings and can't answer.

SleepPrettyDarling · 23/08/2023 00:53

I remember once leaving everything ready for my (then) DH to man the fortress for a single night away. I’d prepared everything. He texted endlessly: the final straw was when he asked how many slices of shop-pepperoni he should place onto his own (handmade by me) pizza which HE WAS GOING TO EAT. That was when I turned my phone off —and thought murderous thoughts—

VeridicalVagabond · 23/08/2023 01:05

How is he "more than capable" if he needs you to set things out for him like he's a toddler or provide step by step guides over the phone? That doesn't sound very capable to me. Sounds like you're his mother.

Honestly I have no sympathy for women who baby their husbands like this and then complain when they act like babies.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2023 01:52

redambergreen70 · 23/08/2023 00:12

Whilst he is more than capable of feeding and clothing his children, I would receive constant calls to ask what he can make for dinner, where are certain items of clothing and what the children need for that day.

Yes, because you have enabled this bullshit. You have allowed him to be a useless, man baby idiot.

I’ve spent the evening packing for myself but also sorting everything for DH and our DC whilst I’m away - meals, clothes, etc so DH doesn’t need to worry about anything.

Why the fuck shouldn't he have to deal with anything?? Give me ONE good reason. Is he intellectually challenged? Didn't think so. You have allowed yourself to be his mum, and it's absolutely ridiculous.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2023 01:54

The only person you should be annoyed with is yourself. You have literally orchestrated this madness.

Grumpy101 · 23/08/2023 02:13

Stop being a martyr. No one actually appreciates it.

My mum was the same. Constantly stressed and doing everything for everyone then being annoyed at my dad and me for not appreciating her cleaning until 11pm. We would have preferred her to chill the fuck out and have some shit dinner in a less than perfect house.

SunRainStorm · 23/08/2023 03:54

You've learned your lesson for next time at least.

Don't prepare a thing. Spend your last night before the trip packing for yourself and then relaxing.

Don't answer any ridiculous questions, tell him he's a parent needs to figure it out himself.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/08/2023 04:12

redambergreen70 · 23/08/2023 00:12

Whilst he is more than capable of feeding and clothing his children, I would receive constant calls to ask what he can make for dinner, where are certain items of clothing and what the children need for that day.

"You're their parent too. Work it out!"

Just make sure there is nothing truly dire that would impact your DC and let him muddle through it. You not being available to bail him out over the phone might just cause him to pay more attention at home.