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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my friend grow-up?

27 replies

pavementsally · 22/08/2023 17:12

My F25 friend is very selfish and contrary. Her parents decided to start fostering children over two years ago. They took in a young traveller girl (F7) who they will have till she’s 18 but will go on to adopt. My friend hasn’t lived at home in over several years and her younger biological sibling moved in to what was her bedroom while the girl they foster moved into her younger siblings room, meaning my friend no longer has a bedroom in the family home. She had a meltdown about this and made up a million scenarios i.e. if her and her boyfriend broke up, she would have nowhere to go “home” to. A COMPLETE OVERREACTION! Her parents have built a separate extension onto their house that they have offered to my friend and her boyfriend multiple times should they need anywhere to stay. My friend is also very financially well off and could afford a mortgage tomorrow if she really wanted.

My friend loves to say how much of an unmannered brat the child is and how her stories are wild, but I’ve met the child and she’s honestly lovely! She has a big character but is by no means is the spoilt brat my friend makes her out to be. My friends biological dad wasn’t in her life and still isn’t in her life 100% (he used to contact her through Linkedin only and now Whatsapp), but her step dad has always been known as dad and been there since basically Day 1, so I understand there is some childhood trauma behind her emotions.

She told the link worker that her mum no longer has time for her and she has resentment towards the fostered child as a result, and makes it very difficult for the link worker to mediate with them as a family together. She tries to say her mum has no time and has the fostered child in a lot of activities while she didn’t receive the same attention or treatment as a child. Back then, her parents weren’t exactly wealthy whereas now they have excess income and receive an allowance for the child. This isn’t to say my friend was neglected because her parents put her through driving lessons, paid for her insurance, and first FEW cars!

They recently announced they were going on a family holiday (all kids U18) and my friend has just returned from Ibiza with her boyfriend. She has decided to throw a tantrum that she wasn’t invited on this holiday or the middle sister (21F) and is waffling on about how unfair it is and selfish of her parents.

My friend just sent me a video of her crying. CRYING! Because her parents have decided to foster a 6 week old baby for 3-6 months without “consulting” my friend and she is not having any of it.

AIBU for telling my friend to grow up, seek therapy, and that these kids need her parents more than she does?

I have seen the messages she sent to her mum/link worker and think they’re honestly disgusting for someone 25, I really struggle to be there or have sympathy for her because her parents are doing a good thing.

OP posts:

MrsCarson · 22/08/2023 17:46

She's being ridiculous

ImABox · 22/08/2023 17:48

MrsCarson · 22/08/2023 17:46

She's being ridiculous

This

pinkyredrose · 22/08/2023 17:52

Are you sure she's your friend? You don't seem to have much in common.

Why do you write (F7) instead of just saying '7'?

Sausagis · 22/08/2023 17:57

pinkyredrose · 22/08/2023 17:52

Are you sure she's your friend? You don't seem to have much in common.

Why do you write (F7) instead of just saying '7'?

F7 (etc) is how these things are written on Reddit

Autieangel · 22/08/2023 18:07

I think I would have to tell her. She needs a reality check.

OriginalUsername2 · 22/08/2023 18:11

I would absolutely tell her and step away from the friendship. It says a lot about her character.

MatildaTheCat · 22/08/2023 18:13

She obviously feels pushed out and replaced but of course she needs to grow up and respect the huge commitment her parents are making.

I wouldn’t tell her to grow up but I would praise her parents to the skies and admire their energy and sacrifice. I know a family who have done a similar thing and if these people follow a similar path there will be many more children to come. She’s lucky to have such amazing parents.

Sometimeswinning · 22/08/2023 18:16

She's entitled to how she feels. There must be a reason for it. Maybe her parents need to give her a few home truths. Maybe you could say something? What have you actually said so far? She seems to confide in you alot.

Original poster

pavementsally · 22/08/2023 19:01

Sausagis · 22/08/2023 17:57

F7 (etc) is how these things are written on Reddit

Show quote history

Yes! I’m a Reddit user but felt this was more appropriate for Mumsnet given the context

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 22/08/2023 19:05

She sounds insufferable and immature, I'd just step back and not bother with her anymore.

Original poster

pavementsally · 22/08/2023 19:08

Sometimeswinning · 22/08/2023 18:16

She sends generic snapchat’s to a group of close friends rather myself alone so she truly vents to anyone who will listen. I tried to reassure her regardless of how many kids are parents may foster, they’re still her parents and will show up for her when needed but now she’s older she has to lessen her expectations. In terms of the childhood bedroom, as I grew older my younger sibling took over my room, and that it’s not common for people to still have their childhood bedrooms once they move out as most people tend to renovate into a style of their own for guests etc., but that she would still have a bed if she needed at her own home. She doesn’t contribute to their family business and typically only visits when it’s convenient for her rather to go see her parents and siblings i.e. if she needs help with a job application or wants to sleep overnight to shorten her drives. I’ve tried to reiterate countless times that the fostered child is only a child and given her complex background and age, she’s going to tell fabricated stories as any child would at that age and to be patient with her. She argues with the child and even her boyfriend tells her she’s being ridiculous, and I think she’s envious at times because the child gets on with her boyfriend and even asked him to be her godparent. I reminded her that a child who is 7 is going to need and rely on her parents a lot more than someone who is 25. I recommended therapy to address the issues of abandonment from her biological father at childhood but she shuts it down and says she’s already been therapy and feels she doesn’t need more right now, when it’s highly evident in her response and emotions that she does. It goes in one ear and out the other!

OP posts:

OhComeOnFFS · 22/08/2023 19:08

I would have laughed so much at the video of herself crying. What a drama queen.

However I find it hard to believe her parents are going to adopt when one of their children is so opposed to it. I'm surprised social workers would agree to that, even if the elder daughter is much older.

Original poster

pavementsally · 22/08/2023 19:09

MatildaTheCat · 22/08/2023 18:13

She obviously feels pushed out and replaced but of course she needs to grow up and respect the huge commitment her parents are making.

I’ve tried this approach but it only infuriates her even more to hear her parents being praised. She is stuck in a victim mindset.

OP posts:

Original poster

pavementsally · 22/08/2023 19:11

OhComeOnFFS · 22/08/2023 19:08

I would have laughed so much at the video of herself crying. What a drama queen.

Her parents do factor in her emotions and have seen the statements she sent to the social workers and never commented on it. She is a drama queen and over reacts about everything so they’re well aware of what she is like. The link worker has checked in and had individual calls with her where my friend broke down crying but given the fact she’s 25 and out of the home, away from the fostered child, they tend not to acknowledge it. Unfortunately there’s a shortage of foster parents so I say they’re just glad the child has somewhere to call home and is in a safe place.

OP posts:

romdowa · 22/08/2023 19:12

I'd be telling her to cop the fuck on. She Sounds like a 16 year old the way she's carrying on.

Original poster

pavementsally · 22/08/2023 19:15

OriginalUsername2 · 22/08/2023 18:11

I would absolutely tell her and step away from the friendship. It says a lot about her character.

She says she doesn’t want kids down the line because of her own childhood and has fears of abandonment from future partners. She’s always been awkward around kids and hasn’t great skills in terms of communicating with them, but her best friend recently had a baby who she thinks is an angel and the best baby because he doesn’t fuss much. I think she projects this hatred for kids onto the fostered child who obviously has a bigger character and voice than a relatively new baby! Her own boyfriend and her right now are very unstable and we’re all hoping he splits up with her because she refuses to walk away but that’s another story.

OP posts:

DinnaeFashYersel · 22/08/2023 19:18

God she sounds awful.

And yes she needs to grow up.

Doubt someone that self absorbed would listen though.

Original poster

pavementsally · 22/08/2023 19:20

pinkyredrose · 22/08/2023 17:52

Are you sure she's your friend? You don't seem to have much in common.

Why do you write (F7) instead of just saying '7'?

We initially became friends through a mutual friend we’re no longer in contact with, and I actually cut contact with them both at the same time due to it being very toxic environment. We didn’t talk for the better half of a year until she sent me a message apologizing and explaining what had happened, and she seemed to have grown and matured a lot within that space of time. We rekindled over a year or two ago and she has been a great friend and support, but in the past couple of months she has became an absolute selfish wagon again and plays the victim 25/8. The whole world is against her currently and if you try to be anyway direct with her to reassure her of otherwise, you become apart of the problem! It’s annoying because when she is good, she is the dream friend, but when she’s like this it’s simply insufferable.

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 22/08/2023 19:21

It’s a sink or swim moment but you’d be more than justified telling her that it’s disgusting listening to an adult gunning for children rather than owning their issues. Vulnerable children at that.

she’ll either take the message on board or she’ll fall out with you. Personally I wouldn’t be to bothered if the second was true. At best she sounds like a complete twat.

Original poster

pavementsally · 22/08/2023 19:30

Cornettoninja · 22/08/2023 19:21

she’ll either take the message on board or she’ll fall out with you. Personally I wouldn’t be to bothered if the second was true. At best she sounds like a complete twat.

She asked if I wanted to go on a drive this evening but I know she’s only going to use that time to go on about how her parents are fostering the baby and how awful her housemate is to live with so I said it was still TBC. It would be a great opportunity to speak with her and try to gently tell her to grow up and reiterate seeking therapy, but I’m going on holiday tomorrow and don’t want to start it on a low!

We both have a small circle of friends and while I am content with my group of friends, she’s very self conscious of not having many and wouldn’t fall out with me or anyone longterm. Her approach is send a long message and move on because she rather not be a friend less.

It’s so frustrating because she is the most selfless and selfish person I know. When I was relocating home, she travelled two hours to help me move and helped pack some of my belongings. When I was ill, she brought me to the after hours doctors and drove over an hour to nearest late night pharmacy. When I was learning how to drive, she insured me on her car and brought me out driving in her brand new car to practice. It’s bizarre!

OP posts:

ASDMumof2 · 22/08/2023 19:56

She has suffered childhood trauma and its never been dealt with. Cut her some slack. She might be 25yo now but that trauma you are hearing happened when she was a child so it's the hurt child in her talking not a 25yo. She needs help not bastardising.

Could you talk to her about what her childhood was like, help her get out her feelings or would she talk to a counsellor? Please don't hit her with just grow up. That is victimising her all over again.

Be her friend first, help her heal her own trauma.

LadyBird1973 · 22/08/2023 20:41

I think her parents shouldn't be fostering tbh - their own child is clearly suffering and needs whatever is wrong to be dealt with. They are embarking on a second family but ignoring whatever has gone wrong with their dd. I know she's 25 but to feel this strongly, something somewhere has gone very wrong.

PostOpOp · 23/08/2023 07:24

In adult, rational world she's behaving extremely badly to an extent that doesn't even make sense.

But imagine you're listening to a 9 year old. Or whatever age. The way she's responding is due to severe childhood pain and it's coming out from that child who never got over it.

If you want to help (which you're not obliged to!) then I'd talk to har about it as though you're talking to a child who fell over and has a bloody wound on their knee. You'd essentially help and give the kid hugs and basically tea and sympathy. She needs that type of response.m: warm times with no hint of criticism and to hear you're always there for her (because she's feeling pain of abandonment). And then agree that it's very painful for her, you can understand that, and as her friend you want her to feel ok and to even feel happy. As your not children any more then one good way to help with that could be a therapist - but not any old therapist, a nice one. If she'd like, you'd help her find one.

That wouldn't necessarily be one conversation.

I'd go basically along those lines if I really cared. But I'd have a boundary too. I'd not be around her when I didn't have the patience for it. If she just wants to wallow in self pity and not find a way out and rejects therapy completely and keeps on with the victimhood then at some point I'd withdraw. If she asked why then id tell her that I really care about her and want her to feel better but it seems she doesn't want to, which is entirely her right, but the constant talking about it has changed the friendship and you're not comfortable with it now.

She won't be happy with that btw but might give her something to think about later on. Or not and the friendship has run it's course.

floribunda18 · 23/08/2023 07:36

Could it be that they emotionally neglected their own daughter and are trying to make up for their poor parenting the first time round by fostering? Perhaps she felt pushed out already when she moved out and that they care about these kids more than they do her. I think there is likely more to this.

Martedi · 23/08/2023 07:41

She sounds unwell and like she needs support. One of the worst things about being unwell like that is that other people think it’s a character flaw.

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