Mum staying here aibu?

[Zee1345]

So my mum has been staying at my house since Saturday evening and is due to go home tomorrow evening she claimed she was coming to "stay to help" as I am now 33 weeks pregnant and not had the easiest pregnancy so she said she " wanted to come and help" with my older children so I could rest. I wouldn't say I'm very close with her, we have completely different personalities and alot of her behaviour I find unacceptable which has caused a lot of problems between my husband and I in the past. Maybe it's my own fault but I do look past this alot and give her the benefit of the doubt and always hope she has changed but it never turns out to be the case.
So she came Saturday, she's done nothing to help and all she has done is sat down whilst I'm running round cleaning and cooking after her ( she says she came to help but hasn't offered to do anything she just sits down on her phone) the main issue is she likes to cause problems between me and my husbands family, she gets very jealous towards them.
My brother in law came round on Sunday to pick something up and my mum was sitting downstairs, my brother in law hasn't seen my mother in 4 years because of problems she's caused in the family and things she has said in the past I always distance her with my husbands family.
He was polite to her and said "hello how are you" and smiled, I was in the room and he was polite and did nothing wrong.
However as soon as he walked out the house he started shaking and saying " I'm having a panic attack he didn't give me a warm welcome I didn't get a very warm welcome from him" I told her it wasn't like that and he was polite to her and she started saying " well your the same as me" what ever that means.
I got embarrassed because she said all this, loudly and on purpose whilst knowing my brother in law was still outside with my husband and she knew he would be able to hear her saying this, which is why she said it because this is the type of behaviour she does to try to cause tension between me and my husbands family.
I just tried to ignore it and move on.
However this morning shes started again, my husbands parents live abroad and I usually video call my mother in law every couple of days for my kids to speak to her, we haven't video called in a week because my mother in law has been busy and not at home and time difference etc.
I video called her this morning and my son was speaking to his grandmother and my mum came downstairs and started shouting telling the kids to come to her ( again something she does out of jealousy) I just nicely asked her to wait a minute as my son was talking to his grandmother, and then my mum kept coming over trying to get herself seen in the video call and trying to distract my son so he would move away from my mother in law on the video call. I kept moving the phone away because she just kept trying to get herself seen on the video call, it's just the way she is " wanting people to know she is around" so I just took the phone and my son and went to sit outside so my mother in law could see and speak to my son. My older daughter then came out and said " nanny is crying in the front room because you kept moving the phone away when you was on the video call" I went in to ask her why she was crying and she is just being funny with me now.
Aibu and have I actually done anything wrong here? I'm starting to question myself if I was rude but she just kept trying to get herself seen on the video call for no reason when I asked her to wait when she was trying to distract my son.

ask her to go home, shes not bringing anything to the party but trouble

Ask her to leave. Set a boundary now.
Mum you have been less than helpful whilst here and cause stress due to attention seeking. I am concerned you will raise my blood pressure and stress out the baby so please go home and you can arrange a shorter visit when baby is born.

Can you tell her to leave today. Getting the children involved in her ridiculous drama would be the line in the sand for me.

Time for home now mum.Please feel free to come back when you can display less drama and behave like a civillized adult. Silly woman I couldnt put up with that.

Tell her to leave you don't need this stress st 33 weeks pregnant, she sounds horrible.

Oh dear god - sorry op, your mum sounds like a shit stirrer. I’d say, grit your teeth, don’t get into an argument with her, just get through the next few hours. You’re heavily pregnant so don’t get yourself stressed out if you can. If you can get her to leave early without getting yourself upset, do it. Then restrict interaction with her in future.

You’re completely in the right, she’s a head melt. Silly woman.

How old is your mum-5 fgs. She needs to grow up. Can’t believe she is stressing out her pregnant dd.

Tell her she needs to go home today, she's stressing you & the baby out, then limit your visits so you visit her for a few hours max.

Help her pack and NEVER have her visit again.

She is an awful attention seeking woman and my sympathy is with your husband.

There is NOTHING as tedious as someone "unable" to see awful behaviour right in front of them and to continue to deny it, by tolerating it.

Her behaviour in frontbof your children is dreadful.

Go and visit her on your own and give your husband and children a break.

She brings nothing to their lives.

Tell her it's not working out and you need to de-stress and she's not helping that. don't get drawn into arguments and defensiveness. grey rock and keep repeating: "I need to de-stress and you're not helping that. please move out by tomorrow night and we'll catch up as normal after that."

and again and again..
"I need to de-stress and you're not helping that. please move out by tomorrow night and we'll catch up as normal after that."

"I need to de-stress and you're not helping that. please move out by tomorrow night and we'll catch up as normal after that."

"I need to de-stress and you're not helping that. please move out by tomorrow night and we'll catch up as normal after that."

Yeah I’d just say it’s best she goes home where you’ll both be calmer and more relaxed in your respective homes. I would tell her you’ve found it hard work because if you don’t actually call out this sort of behaviour it won’t actually ever get resolved.

I can’t imagine it’s great for your kids seeing you and your partner tense over her being there and their grandma in tears so do everyone a favour and just stick to normal day visits etc without the pressure of her coming to stay.

My dm was similarly a toddler in a woman's clothes. Haven't seen her for 20 years. No time for that shit.. Your dc do not need her around op. Reckon neither do you. Being an adult with that sort of dm is draining...

Classic narcissism. From now on go grey your family come first. Haven't seen mine in 15 years now.

What an embarrassing child she's being. Boot her out.

After that pathetic performance I bet she still believes she came to help you!
Never again, no more coming to stay.

She’ll never believe you if you describe her terrible behaviour to her and say that’s why she’s not coming to stay again. She’s probably already rewritten the visit in her head to make herself the helpful kind mum who everyone else was nasty to. Ignore any attempt by her to play victim. Just go to her for day visits (if you must) and don’t force her on your husband and children.

Maybe it's my own fault but I do look past this a lot and give her the benefit of the doubt and always hope she has changed but it never turns out to be the case.

@Zee1345 - I understand why you give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that she will change. But the truth is, she never will change. I have had experience of a similar situation and wish I had seen this myself, many, many years ago. She sounds a complete nightmare. Do not feel guilty and stop hoping that somehow she will be the Mum you have always wanted. She is who she is and sadly, there are many parents around there who are more concerned with themselves than their children. You cannot change that, I'm so sorry

Your mother sounds dreadful. Speak plainly to her, tell her how it is, calmly of course, and don't let her come to 'help' you again.

I'd ask her to go home NOW!

Her behaviour is beyond acceptable and you need to tell her this and ask her to leave.

There is no way I'd put up with that sort of ridiculous behaviour.

Op Im probably more your mums age than yours ( 50's ) . She is trying to emotionally manipulate your DC and if you dont stand up to her now she will continue to do so. I had an aunt like this, in fact if Id seen your post 10 years ago I would have been certain that you were my cousin !
In the end all of her DC HAD to go nc or lc to protect THEIR DC.

OP you need to see her for what she is, and to stop hoping she'll change. She's your mum and you're being very loyal to her, but it's time to go very LC. It's not just you she's affecting, she's manipulating and alienating your children and DH and being offensive to DH's family.

If this was a woman talking about her MIL she'd be told she had a DH problem. I think your husband has a DW problem and your DC's have a Dmum one.

And she doesn't come to stay again.

I would tell her to leave today

Time to say to your mother "Mum, thanks for the visit but I need you to go home now. I'll be in touch with you soon, all the best now."

You're not her doll to play with and neither are your children. She is behaving like a spoiled child calling her grandchildren over to her while they are speaking with your MiL on the phone.

If she kicks off about it, let her. Give her enough rope to hang herself. You know what she is like. She behaved really badly towards your BiL and he didn't do anything wrong. What did she do while he was sitting in the living room with her? Nothing, I'd imagine. She probably didn't utter a word to him so it's not likely that he's going to strike up a conversation with a woman that behaves so weirdly towards him.

This is all her and all of her doing.

Time for you to step back, establish boundaries that you can manage yourself in relation to her and then carry on. If that means low contact, that's what you go with. If it's visits but only ones that you visit her house, that works too. Try to make your own decisions here and move out of the Child to Adult relationship into a healthier Adult to Adult one. She will have to make her peace with it too.

Also, if she offers to come and stay and 'help' again, remember this and say "Oh no thanks. I felt that the last time you stayed it really wasn't that helpful to me at all and I have to learn to manage on my own".

Good point by @Readingineading - she’s trying to make your children feel sorry for her. Don’t let her do this.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I just kept doubting myself if it was me who did something wrong.
I brought it up to her yesterday when I came in, I asked her why she was crying and she said " oh nothing" I told her my daughter came to me and told me she was crying and that she kept asking my daughter "why mummy moved outside and moved the phone away" she did her typical lying face where she pretends she doesn't know what your talking about and infront of Dd ( who is 7) said " no I didn't ask her anything" Dd started crying saying " you did keep asking me nanny" my mum kept denying it but eventually admitted to asking her, she said " well yeah only once" even for her it's a new low trying to tell me my daughter was lying and making her upset calling her own granddaughter a liar infront of her, I really have realised she has no shame.

I won't be having her stay again, I've had my hardest pregnancy this time, which my mum knows very well. I had severe morning sickness till 24 weeks and I'm now 33 weeks now and my baby has been sitting very low Down for weeks and it hurts to walk and do normal stuff but I'm always running around and not resting when I need too which makes it worse. So the fact she offered to help and has come, watched me struggle to walk cleaning up after her and cooking for her has really really hurt me, but again I don't know why I'm shocked or upset because I know what she's like but it's just hurt me her seeing me like this and still sitting down on her phone all day watching and doing nothing whilst I'm in pain.

Just because I can't deal with her kicking off right now I am waiting till she goes tonight to send her a message and tell her she can't stay again, today it's topped it all off. I am currently having growth scans every 2 weeks because baby's growth has been dropping lines so again it's just been another thing that's worrying me and deal with, with it being the school holidays too. I needed to go shopping after wards as we are going away on holiday for 4 days this weekend and I needed to get a lot of heavy stuff like loads of water bottles, juice etc so I was waiting for my husband to come home so he could help me with this and being in pain heavy lifting doesn't help it. My husband called though and said he wouldn't be able to make it, my mum said she would come to " help me..." LOL, she knew I had to buy some heavy stuff because I told her she said she would help so I Took her with me and we parked outside the shops only for her to turn round before we got out of the car and said " oh I'll just wait in the car, you'll be quicker on your own". I felt like screaming in her face asking her why the hell she even came then but I didn't and got out of the car and burst into tears inside the shop and felt so embarrassed . I genuinely don't know what to do about her, all I've ever wanted is a mum and it really hurts. It just keeps replaying In my mind her saying " I'll just wait here you'll be quicker on your own" when I'm 33 weeks pregnant, I just don't understand how any one can say they've come to help because they know you are having a hard pregnancy and then just watch you managing in pain. I could never do that to my kids.