Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My family’s jealousy

38 replies

Rainbow211 · 22/08/2023 09:56

Just posted in relationships board but thought I’d see what AIBU had to say!

My family are very jealous whenever anything good happens to us whereas DH’s Family are complete opposite (they still have their moments, and I do not get along with MIL but the difference is they do not get jealous at all). In fact Inlaws always encourage us to do better and enjoy life.

We’ve bought a new house and conversations in my family are all centered on how DH can afford it (I don’t work so they know it’s his money).

My mum called me and was telling me that BIL (eldest sisters husband) is very angry that you guys can afford such a big house and how unfair it is for them that they squeeze into a small house (there’s 3 of them living in a large detached 4 bed!)

Every holiday we have gone on has been met with a snarky comment and making us feel guilty (I do feel guilty then it ruins the holiday). I just feel I need to be negative about everything. I can’t say yes I had a fab time. I have to try and find negatives.

the funny thing is even though in their eyes we have everything we still worry every month when bills come. Our conversations are always I should go back to work but when we factor in childcare we decide against it. We go on one holiday a year (haven’t been this year due to house purchase and won’t next year either) and I don’t feel that’s excessive. We don’t do big birthday parties just a few kids round for cake. We drive a modest car which I fear will break down! Whilst they drive big brands. I have zero designer clothes or bags whereas my sister will use credit cards for all the latest fashions. I feel so annoyed when they think we’re so well off! One sister asked me for £30k as she wants her kitchen re-done and complained to my mum when I said I don’t have that much!

I just feel so much negative vibes from them all the time. I know most people don’t believe in the evil eye etc. but I do feel some really bad energy from them. Some things have been going wrong unexpectedly and completely outrageous if I was to write about them here and I feel they might be due to all the negative jealous every they give me and my kids and husband.

OP posts:
Rainbow211 · 22/08/2023 09:56

Oops didn’t mean to enable voting. Please ignore voting option

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2023 09:59

Why are you choosing to keep these people in your life? Go very, very low contact and let go of all of this misplaced guilt bullshit. What a waste of your time.

Billybagpuss · 22/08/2023 10:06

It sounds like you have different priorities you chose larger house and a good holiday every few years whilst the prioritise cars and fashion. Both valid choices.

You need to start shutting them down each and every time.

Can I have £xx for a kitchen?
What makes you think I’ve got anywhere near that much money we saved for x years to cover the higher house price.

Ooh alright for money balls being able to afford that expensive holiday?
Yes can’t wait, we’ve been saving for ages I haven’t had any new clothes for years, I love that new dress by the way. oh will you drive us to the restaurant this evening your car is so much nicer than ours.

Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 10:09

That sounds awful. It's nice that your husband's family is showing you that other people can be positive and supportive. I know it's easier said that done, but I would try to disengage from any conversations like the one you had with your mom was she actually siding with your "angry" BIL? Would it help to get angry yourself and explain exactly what you have said here? "DH's family are happy for us to be doing well and enjoy ourselves on vacation, why is everyone in my family trying to drag us down and feel like shit all the time?"

Instead of feeling guilty when you go on vacation, I think you should just be angry that they are being jealous and nasty.

I know people like this and, not surprisingly, they also spend money on things they can't afford and then question why other people seem to be better off financially.

PussInBin20 · 22/08/2023 10:09

Why don’t you call your DM out and say “Mum why can’t you just be happy for us?” and “life’s not a competition, it’s not my fault if X and Y can’t get a bigger house”. And point out all the things they spend their money on and suggest maybe they could afford it if they wanted to.

Or, just don’t tell them anything.

Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 10:10

Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 10:09

That sounds awful. It's nice that your husband's family is showing you that other people can be positive and supportive. I know it's easier said that done, but I would try to disengage from any conversations like the one you had with your mom was she actually siding with your "angry" BIL? Would it help to get angry yourself and explain exactly what you have said here? "DH's family are happy for us to be doing well and enjoy ourselves on vacation, why is everyone in my family trying to drag us down and feel like shit all the time?"

Instead of feeling guilty when you go on vacation, I think you should just be angry that they are being jealous and nasty.

I know people like this and, not surprisingly, they also spend money on things they can't afford and then question why other people seem to be better off financially.

Strikethrough unintended

Rainbow211 · 22/08/2023 10:51

Thank you everyone. I was bracing myself to be told I’m a troll whose in a stealth boast lol! It is hurtful that I can’t be happy around my family. Truthfully I’ve been suffering a lot with my mental health and feel even worse when they comment.

OP posts:
2jacqi · 22/08/2023 10:53

Hey I have been through the exact same thing with my family over the years! why do you need a new house? why do you want to go there for a holiday? (we went for years without a proper holiday but they all managed to have their foreign holidays every year! why do you need a new car? why do you need a new computer. why spend so much money on jewellery! absolutely everything!! We financially bailed one sister out of debt twice. I bought a new car for another sister when her and her husbands was unrepairable. (never offered a penny back) my hubby paid the solicitors bill when sis purchased a new house (he found out when he went to solicitors office about some legal work he was doing for solicitor) (never offered a penny back) bought mother multiple new washing machines (eventually found out why she, a single widow, went through so many machines!! sis was taking her trainers to wash in it instead of her own) now, at this point in my life, my older sister and my mother have died and my younger sister no longer speaks to me!! obviously outlived my usefulness when her mother in laws estate was divided up. Do not worry about it and dont tell them a thing about your purchases or your life in future. I understand the feelings you have that they are jealous but just ignore them. Do not lend your sister any money because you will not see a penny of it back. concentrate on your family and enjoy your life. Jealousy is a terrible thing!! good luck x

FrenchBoule · 22/08/2023 11:01

First answer from @Aquamarine1029 has nailed it.

Enjoy life instead of spending it with such joy suckers.

I’d question your mother’s motives as to why she called you to pass on your BIL’s (irrelevant) opinion.

It’s not anybody’s business what you and your family spend your time/money on.

Move on and away from these misery guts and enjoy life.Either seriously reduce contact or go completely NC as it seems you’re sadly your FOO’s scapegoat and their emotional punchbag.

Unfortunately there is a kind of people that they only feel good when they put the others down. Let them go as they don’t bring anything positive to your life and never will.

billy1966 · 22/08/2023 11:09

Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2023 09:59

Why are you choosing to keep these people in your life? Go very, very low contact and let go of all of this misplaced guilt bullshit. What a waste of your time.

This.

Why are you in contact with them.

Limit it drastically and I bet your MH will improve.

It is so bad for you to engage with people who clearly do not wish you well. That's on them.

Aparecium · 22/08/2023 11:14

I don't think it's anything to do with finances or choices. I think that, sadly, it's the role that has been designated to you by your family. Sometimes facilities have dysfunctional hierarchies, and you happen to be at the bottom of your family's hierarchy. They have created the problem and given you responsibility for it. You are not responsible for their problems. You are not responsible for their attitudes. You are responsible for your choices and your decisions - which seem considered and reasonable.

So, when they moan, you just think to yourself "Not my problem", ignore and move on. They won't like it, because you will be refusing to play the role they have assigned you. Tough. Their problem.

Annaishere · 22/08/2023 11:21

If you’re serious about negative energy you can just quickly imagine a big bubble around everything you want to protect but the point is to accept that’s all you need to do

Ahwhatthehell · 22/08/2023 11:43

Tbh I’m getting a bang of guilt off you @Rainbow211 just because things are going ok for you. Don’t feel guilty!! Shut down the comments from your family every time. Be firm. Tell them, next time you buy something nice or go on holiday, that they have no idea if a sacrifice elsewhere was made for you to be able to buy this and isn’t a pity they can’t be happy for you.
Repeat it every time. This is actually a very unpleasant trait in families. We’ve had similar as me and DH are the ‘thickies’ in his family and were not expected to do as well in life as others. We have worked ridiculously hard, made sacrifices and it has paid off. Shut it down every time. Be proud of your achievements.

Ella31 · 22/08/2023 12:36

I remember someone once saying to me that all you have to do when you reply to these type of people is say " why thank you, we work very hard to be able to have this"

People are entitled to enjoy their life whatever they earn financially. Your husband works for that and you are a full time mother no easy job there , so be proud of your lifestyle and ignore the haters.

declutteringmymind · 22/08/2023 12:44

I can see that it's getting you down but honestly OP, it's their problem, not yours. So don't make it so.

Don't make it the elephant in the room. Just own it and acknowledge it. 'Yes I know we're so lucky' 'it doesn't really matter though does it? ' 'poor BIL it must be hard, hopefully things might change' etc. don't feel guilty and compensate though.

Feel free to challenge them though. There's no need to be mean and ungracious. Tell them so.

NutellaNut · 22/08/2023 12:47

Stop feeling guilty! You can’t change their behaviour, but you can certainly change how you react to their poisonous negativity.

I’m guessing you are the quiet type who doesn’t react to their bile by saying stuff back like ‘If you spent less money on designer clothes/bags/cars you’d be able to afford a new kitchen’ or words to that effect. You don’t have to retaliate if it’s not your way, but please stop feeling guilty about it and don’t be feel negative about good things in your life just to make them feel less envious. That’s their problem.

thaisweetchill · 22/08/2023 12:54

I would give them an ultimatum and if they are continually going to drag you down you will be easing/cutting contact. I couldn't live my life with family that were constantly negative about your life choices. Life is FAR too short.

Burningthroughthesky · 22/08/2023 13:02

Sounds like some of my family.

Go low contact. Shut them down when they start moaning and being all "woo is me". Call them out and say something like we all get to choose what to spend our money on, for us it's holidays, for you it's clothes and cars.

Next time you go on holiday, don't look for negatives to tell them. Say we had a lovely time thank you, really enjoyed the break.

Burningthroughthesky · 22/08/2023 13:03

*woe 😅

StaunchMomma · 22/08/2023 13:14

Every holiday we have gone on has been met with a snarky comment and making us feel guilty (I do feel guilty then it ruins the holiday). I just feel I need to be negative about everything. I can’t say yes I had a fab time. I have to try and find negatives.

You don't have to do those things at all, OP. You are choosing to feel guilty and choosing to find negatives.

We don’t do big birthday parties just a few kids round for cake. We drive a modest car which I fear will break down! Whilst they drive big brands. I have zero designer clothes or bags whereas my sister will use credit cards for all the latest fashions. I feel so annoyed when they think we’re so well off! One sister asked me for £30k as she wants her kitchen re-done and complained to my mum when I said I don’t have that much!

So speak up and tell THEM that, rather than us!

Why are you acting like their poor behaviour and money issues are your problem? You're literally victimising yourself. Tell them they're acting like twats and go enjoy your life!

Apologies if this comes across as harsh but you are choosing to be this upset by it. It's really unreasonable of you to allow other people's jealousy to affect you this much.

Grumpy101 · 22/08/2023 13:20

They sound toxic. You sound very down which in itself is a problem. Distance yourself now! Before it becomes a bigger and bigger problem. Your negativity will be affecting your husband and kids too. I'd be pissed off if my spouse felt so negative about me providing a nice house and a nice holiday.

Get some therapy. I found online sessions very helpful, it doesn't solve everything but for me, the therapist asked some very good questions which challenged my thinking and I did make some small improvements after that. It's easy to continue this cycle of negativity and guilt otherwise.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 22/08/2023 13:21

Isn't it horrible when your nearest and dearest are like this OP? I have an older sister who simply cannot help herself with her catty comments, all brought about by the green eyed monster. Right from when I was old enough to start choosing my own clothes the monster started to come out, and she simply wouldn't rest until she had whatever it was that I had. A new top, she had to have the same one, even the same colour, new shoes, same ones, same colour. It used to drive me nuts at that age, and Mum always said 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery', but I could never see it that way. Then as we got older and had homes of our own, we'd buy a new sofa, cooker, whatever, and she had to have one too. This ranged from small things like clothes and shoes, right through to life changing things, for example I announced that we were expecting our first baby, and in spite of saying she wasn't having any more, 3 months later, she suddenly announced another pregnancy!! Then, if there was no way that she could afford to copy what we had, it would be the downright nasty comments, encouraged by her equally jealous DH. The last one was when she came to visit our new home. She lives a nice lifestyle herself, not rich, but she doesn't have to work, and lives happily with her DH. She came to visit us and because there was quite a long distance involved, we invited them to stay in the holiday let we have, so that they could have some privacy and enjoy a little holiday, a nice thing to do for your sister some would think. They left a day early, with some ridiculous excuse, and I could just tell it was the 'monster' coming out again. Just to see what she would say, I asked her what she thought of our new place. Her answer 'I don't like it!' If it had been anyone else I might have been shocked, but was half expecting it with her, as there was no way she could replicate what we have. I asked what she didn't like about it, and thought she might say, 'oh, it's a bit too far from town' or something like that, but even though I know her so well, I was a bit taken aback when she said 'I don't like anything about it'. At that point, I said 'Oh well, it was nice to see you, have a safe journey home', and off they went. When I told DH what she'd said, he was horrified, but I just laughed, as over the years I've just become accustomed to the fact that she really can't control her jealousy, and just ignore it. The difference between us is that if she gets something new, I'm ALWAYS happy/pleased for her, but she just isn't made that way.

It seems though that you struggle to ignore it, and just be happy with your life OP, so like others have said, I would either bite back at some point, and say something like 'Can't you just be happy for us occasionally? Why do you always have to be so nasty, you have nice things too?' If you can't do that though, then cutting contact is really the only way to go. Such a shame, but their loss.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/08/2023 13:36

keep turning it back on them

yes I am looking forward to our new house, I haven’t bought new clothes for years, we won’t be going on holiday for a few years, we won’t be buying new cars etc

when they kick off be honest, tell them your priority has been the kids, not new clothes, big cars etc

do it every single time

Rainbow211 · 22/08/2023 13:47

Thank you everyone. All my life they’ve bullied me. I’m genuinely happy when they are doing something nice but with them I can see and hear the jealously in their voices and body language. DH doesn’t like any of them either but I keep thinking they’re my family why are they like that?

I know this is ridiculous but I just started watching keeping up with Kardashian’s season 11 (I know! Please don’t judge me!), and I know it’s a tv show but they’re all so happy and involved in each other’s ups and downs.

OP posts:
Sisterpita · 22/08/2023 14:30

@Rainbow211 don’t let the TV gloss fool you, I strongly suspect the Kardashians are quite dysfunctional in their own way.

You sound lovely and you are doing exactly what many people are doing, prioritising your home and future, being content with your life etc. They will never be as happy and content as you because they always want the biggest, brightest, best to shore up their fragile egos.

It is disappointing your Mum said what she did, I have found the regular polite comments about how nice siblings new car is, how lucky they are to buy cars, hand bags clothes etc. can slowly have an impact.

Life has a funny way of working out and pp are right about it being your designated role in the family. Please enjoy your life and don’t let your siblings make you feel guilty.