My family’s jealousy

[Rainbow211]

Just posted in relationships board but thought I’d see what AIBU had to say!

My family are very jealous whenever anything good happens to us whereas DH’s Family are complete opposite (they still have their moments, and I do not get along with MIL but the difference is they do not get jealous at all). In fact Inlaws always encourage us to do better and enjoy life.

We’ve bought a new house and conversations in my family are all centered on how DH can afford it (I don’t work so they know it’s his money).

My mum called me and was telling me that BIL (eldest sisters husband) is very angry that you guys can afford such a big house and how unfair it is for them that they squeeze into a small house (there’s 3 of them living in a large detached 4 bed!)

Every holiday we have gone on has been met with a snarky comment and making us feel guilty (I do feel guilty then it ruins the holiday). I just feel I need to be negative about everything. I can’t say yes I had a fab time. I have to try and find negatives.

the funny thing is even though in their eyes we have everything we still worry every month when bills come. Our conversations are always I should go back to work but when we factor in childcare we decide against it. We go on one holiday a year (haven’t been this year due to house purchase and won’t next year either) and I don’t feel that’s excessive. We don’t do big birthday parties just a few kids round for cake. We drive a modest car which I fear will break down! Whilst they drive big brands. I have zero designer clothes or bags whereas my sister will use credit cards for all the latest fashions. I feel so annoyed when they think we’re so well off! One sister asked me for £30k as she wants her kitchen re-done and complained to my mum when I said I don’t have that much!

I just feel so much negative vibes from them all the time. I know most people don’t believe in the evil eye etc. but I do feel some really bad energy from them. Some things have been going wrong unexpectedly and completely outrageous if I was to write about them here and I feel they might be due to all the negative jealous every they give me and my kids and husband.

I really think you need to take the power back, OP.

They treat you like crap, apparently since you were a child, and yet you continue to allow them to hurt you.

They're not going to change. They do it because they can.

You can spend the rest of your life taking their bullying and feeling sorry for yourself or you can choose to put a stop to it.

That might look like distancing yourself, getting therapy to get methods to deal with it better or just telling them to fuck right off every time they start!

Don't wait for them to change. Change it yourself. They don't have the automatic right to hurting your feelings just because they share your DNA.

Change the script.

Thank you everyone. I tried talking to my mum today about how I was feeling and her response is that no one is jealous or negative about anything and we’re family and there’s no way my sisters would be jealous of me! It feels like gaslighting. They’ve done this all my life turning things around to me. I can definitely see the difference how my Inlaws react and how they react to things. I can always sense this intense anger from them but it’s hard to explain.

@Rainbow211 all you can do is tackle each incident e.g. when your Mum phoned and said BIL (eldest sisters husband) is very angry that you guys can afford such a big house and how unfair it is for them that they squeeze into a small house (there’s 3 of them living in a large detached 4 bed!)

Respond with what did you say to them? Then pause and see what she says. Gently push back based on what she says e.g. why didn’t you tell them how hard we have saved, how much we have gone without etc.

Your role in the family will not change overnight but slowly commenting on how they choose to spend their money and pushing back gently may mute their comments.

I totally agree. Life is too short so enjoy yours and leave them to it.

I use this analogy for my teenager (when she's had friendship difficulties) and I've said it on here before.

If you think of life as a swimming pool- some people will swim alongside you happily, some people will put out a hand and help you out if you are tired and there are other people who will push you under so they can get themselves out.

Your family are the kind of people who will push you under the water to make themselves feel better and get themselves out of the pool.

They might be biological family but they are not capable of loving you. Your mother calling you to spread the jealousy of your brother against the fact your husband earns well or seems so....is just vile. Is this a topic that a normal woman who is a mother even will consider start with her daughter?!

"comparison is the thief of joy"
You probably do need to distance yourself from them. Such people are simply incapable of seeing the sacrifices that other people make.
My SIL was telling my sister how lucky she was to have been able to buy her first house! It was the late 80's relationship broke down, negative equity and high interest rates. She had to take in sleazy lodgers to pay the mortgage.
SIL on the other hand married a house and a car. Some people are completely lacking in empathy.

Poster:

Thank you everyone. I tried talking to my mum today about how I was feeling and her response is that no one is jealous or negative about anything and we’re family and there’s no way my sisters would be jealous of me! It feels like gaslighting. They’ve done this all my life turning things around to me. I can definitely see the difference how my Inlaws react and how they react to things. I can always sense this intense anger from them but it’s hard to explain.

,,,,,,,,,

Please, stick to your husband and the IN laws. Seems they are the normal guys here who knows what family means

You need to start speaking up rather than putting up with this. They seem to think that it’s your duty to even things out with loans / gifts / cutting back yourself so that they can have what you have. They will never be happy if all they do is look at you and feel resentful. Ask them why they think you have tens of thousands spare that you can loan out. I’d be as blunt as this:

“There’s clearly a misunderstanding here. You think we have a spare and unneeded £30000 available ready to lend you. We don’t. I’m surprised you think you’re entitled to such a huge amount of money and are complaining to people about it, actually.”

“You need to stop asking how we pay for things. There’s no magic. We save and we make sacrifices. Not having designer clothes, for one. Not going on holiday for a year, for another.”

”We haven’t had a holiday for over a year. Not sure why you think that we are always going away?”

I completely understand you Op, go low contact and stop telling them anything - for your own sake. If you sold everything tomorrow and gave them the lot you would still be selfish and above yourself in their eyes. I have given up with my family. I was always the odd one out and I as the youngest I was meant to amount to nothing. I went against that and I’m now a married professional with a lovely house- it’s made them all mad as hell. Live your life, be who you are and leave them to their nasty thoughts.

Just because they are related to you don't feel obligated to put up with them bullying you, you don’t need to feel bad about your finances nor have to explain anything to them.
I’m not surprised your mental health is suffering they are doing everything they can to make sure you feel like shit.
I would walk away and enjoy your life

“Die mad” is a good response to their criticism.

You need to stop the guilt. You have what you have because of the choices you have made. Easy choices which your relatives could make themselves.