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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have got into an argument over this comment

60 replies

fankley · 29/02/2008 15:17

I have changed my name because know a couple of people at dcs school and don't want to out the person who made this comment.

Was talking to my dds friends mum who helps out with swimming at the school, getting the children changed (in the summer) She was talking about a girl in their class and said that she has a problem warming to this girl - there's something about her she doesn't like, and it's because when this girl was in the nursery class and getting changed for swimming, she'd walk about naked in front of the boys in a 'knowing' way, flaunting herself.

I pointed out that a 3 year old was hardly 'knowing' about nudity and asked her if she meant she had concerns in some way. She said no, she just meant that this girl was far too grown up for her age (at 3 -4) and she didn't like it.

I said that I really didn't know what she was getting at and she said 'you know, little girls who use their bodies to get male attention'.

Was shocked as felt this is a bizarre comment from someone who is a class helper and working with young children.

Aibu to be disturbed by this comment, or totally over reacting?

OP posts:

Original poster

fankley · 29/02/2008 16:23

I'm glad other's have the same take on this as me and that it's a bit odd.

My dd is also friends with the little girl in question and have been to her house and she's been here - would not have any concerns about her behaviour at all, she's just quite a confident child. This womans child is not confident at all, and I can imagine behaves quite differently.

From questioning her I don't believe she had concerns for this child, just that she has quite a twisted take on child's behaviour that made me concerned considering her role. Didnt want to be alarmist about it, and tbh i have no idea how i'd broach it with the school or anyone else, but wanted to get it clear in my own mind that i'm not over reacting.

OP posts:

Original poster

fankley · 29/02/2008 16:25

The way she explained it she was saying it in a kind of gossipy 'ooh i don't like the way she behaves' sort of way, there didn't seem to be any concern.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 29/02/2008 16:26

Sounds horrible to me. UANBU.

At the very worst the child might have some reason for being sexualised at an early age but walking about in the nude doesn't strike me as being in any way provocative or anything to worry about.

hatrick · 29/02/2008 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

soopermum1 · 29/02/2008 16:30

her comment was really horrible, i'd be shocked if someone said that to me.

also, don't you just hate people who say' don't like him/her, there's just something about them....'

poor little girl having such twisted judgement passed on her

hatrick · 29/02/2008 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

fankley · 29/02/2008 16:42

She's not nice, I find her really strange and a lot of her views make me uncomfortable generally (rants about indian call centres, asylum seekers etc etc) - unfortunately my dd is best friends with hers and is always being invited round.

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NicMac · 29/02/2008 16:47

Distance yourself as much as possible, she is clearly making you uncomfortable and with good reason.

JackanoryGirl · 29/02/2008 16:48

Eeek.

I have to say I do not think I would comfortable about my dd spending time in her house without me there.

It is such an ODD, ODD, ODD & horrible thing to say. I cannot even begin to think what this suggests about her behaviour towards children in general.

As someone else mentioned earlier, if a man had said anything like that........

Madlentileater · 29/02/2008 16:50

OK, so you've seen this little girl and she just seems normally confident, in that case I would share your original reaction, ie that the problem is her labelling of this little girl....esp if she rants as you describe....don't know what to suggest as school probably glad of the help. A shame your DD is good friends with her dd, fankley. Do you worry about her picking up these wierd ideas?

NorthernLurker · 29/02/2008 16:52

my first thoughth is has something happened to her in the past? Oh - dear how very unpleasant and worrying for you.

Original poster

fankley · 29/02/2008 16:59

I am just a bit concerned about my dd being around her twisted ideas really. I don't want to be hysterical about it and stop her playing with her friend or anything, but it just makes me slightly nervous, that she can view children in this way. And yes, it did occur to me that maybe something had happened to her as a child, to have that outlook.

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NorthernLurker · 29/02/2008 17:00

I would be concerned too . I don't think that's hysterical - just sensible

Madlentileater · 29/02/2008 17:05

with my older DCs we say 'well, wouldn't it be a dull old world if we all thought the same' and they know that's code for 'this person is clearly bonkers'...harder with smaller child...as far as mad ideas go, my feeling is that you will always be the most important influence, the only issue is how to dissent tactfully. Of course if she descends into outright racism it gets harder. Difficult. But are you saying you are concerned for DD's safety?

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 29/02/2008 17:07

Can I just say that if one had been abused as a child saying something like she did would be the last thing you would say imo.

TotalChaos · 29/02/2008 17:15

a very disturbing attitude.

Original poster

fankley · 29/02/2008 17:34

No, I don't feel concerned for dds safety when she goes there. I feel that her opinions and views are twisted and I do feel uneasy but I can't really identify what the exact risk to dd would be from being around her - I just don't like it. Even without the sexualising of children, just the ease with which she expresses 'dislike' of very young children is deeply unpleasant and doesn't make me feel that comfortable with her looking after dd.

She's quite influential in the school, involved in various activities and boards etc as well as volunteering - so my fears seem odd to anyone on the outside, she's very involved in the community.

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colditz · 29/02/2008 17:39

The woman in question was possibly abused as a child. It's the sort of attitude n of my friends has, that they are 'asking for it'. This is the only way she can live with the knowledge that someone raped when she was 6 - she must have been asking for it or it would not have happened.

Madlentileater · 29/02/2008 17:43

mm, it's hard if everyone sees her as a pillar of the community. But do they really? you might find that she gives other people the creeps too. Not that that solves the issue of your dd being in her care. I must say that would make me uncomfortable. How close are the 2 girls?

Original poster

fankley · 29/02/2008 17:47

Her dd is very attached to my dd. My dd is fond of her but doesn't really like going round to play and is also not keen at all on this woman, but can't explain why, just thinks she's a bit mean.

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Madlentileater · 29/02/2008 17:53

can you just have her round to yours then and dd is 'busy' when invited back? If they see each other at school maybe the frienship can be sufficiently sustained there. Tbh, if dd doesn't like this woman that too would make me uneasy. Have you tried asking discreetly what others think of her. Some people can be so forceful no-one stands up to them and everyone is going around secretly disliking them but not saying anything!

JackanoryGirl · 29/02/2008 17:54

Fankley - the more you write, the more alarm bells ring. The fact that your dd is not keen on going round to play surely speaks volumes?

pagwatch · 29/02/2008 18:24

fankley
she's mean, she's odd, her opinions are twisted , her comments disturb you ( you describe them as deeply unpleasant)...
Your daughter is going round to her home because.......?

Catzenobia · 29/02/2008 18:29

A sign of a child being sexually abused can be that they act in an inappropriately sexually provocative way for their age, but it sounds in this case that it's more about this woman projecting something on to the girl so colditz's explanation sounds more likely.

allgonebellyup · 29/02/2008 18:36

this all sounds grim and depressing to me.

i would tell this woman where to stick it. She clearly needs a damn good talking to.

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