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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex just being there

29 replies

mousey24 · 21/08/2023 21:24

Changed username as he might know my usual name on here.

Got divorced after domestic violence (physical and mental). He still had access to our children. He was still using coercive control and gaslighting through the children. (Eg: asking to change access day, then turning up on the original day and saying I must have got the days mixed up). He added a tracker to sons phone so he could watch where we went on my time. Several other things happened at his house and the children didn't want to go anymore as they were scared of him. It all went back to court and he lost his access.

I do a niche hobby. There's a forum where people chat about the hobby and just randomly chat. I like the company and I've made some good friendships through it. He knows I post on it.

He's turned up on that even though he has no interest in the hobby. I know it's him as he's posted personal information in some of the chats which makes it obvious to me that it is him. Like in chats about favourite things.

I find it triggering seeing his name in the chats. I know he could be watching me anyway, but if he was anonymous, I wouldn't know if he's been watching or not and it wouldn't affect me. Seeing his name and just knowing he is there triggers flashbacks and PTSD.

I've spoken to the website owner who said he hasn't broken any T&C's by being there so they won't ban him. I've also spoken to the Police who said stop posting on the forum and find another hobby.

AIBU to think it's harsh that the victim is the one who has to stop the things they enjoy and move on? Why is someone with a criminal history of abuse allowed to keep turning up and intimidating the victim? I'm sick of it and wish he'd leave me alone. I'm fed up with moving on and just want to be settled.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 21/08/2023 21:27

If they banned him he could just get another email address and join again.

Tinkerbyebye · 21/08/2023 21:34

Banning him won’t work. I would just carry on posting, don’t let him win. Hard as it is pretend he is not there. He will eventually get fed up when he realises you don’t care

JibbaJab · 21/08/2023 21:38

If there's one thing that winds abusers up is being ignored and not getting a reaction. Your reaction is their fuel. Let him waste his time.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 21/08/2023 21:41

YANBU at all.
But logically what can they do?
A forum or site is open to all. There is nothing to say that he hasn't taken up this hobby and so the police can't prove that he's doing this to get to you.
The forum owners will not want to get involved in users lives and others have said he can just keep coming back.
It's not fair and it's not right but it is what's happening. You could stay on and block him maybe.

Original poster
mousey24 · 21/08/2023 21:44

I am ignoring him and not responding.

I just find it triggering him repeatedly turning up in places where I am. I feel like I'll never be free from him.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 21/08/2023 21:49

YANBU. I understand how unfait it feels. The best thing is to ignore.

I have an abusive ex who tries to insert himself anywhere he thinks I have an interest. Now I just accept and expect it. It helps to conceal the other things I'm interested in and places I go that he knows nothing about.

agent765 · 21/08/2023 21:59

Can you PM the other members that you know best and explain what's happened that you're going to post under a different name?

gamerchick · 21/08/2023 22:02

Out the bastard. Say to everyone don't mind x, he's my stalker ex who can't leave me lone. How sad is that type of thing. Then just ignore him make a tit out of himself. Because he will.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 21/08/2023 22:30

gamerchick · 21/08/2023 22:02

Out the bastard. Say to everyone don't mind x, he's my stalker ex who can't leave me lone. How sad is that type of thing. Then just ignore him make a tit out of himself. Because he will.

That may be unwise. As naming him and stating XYZ could cause the OP problems.
Unfortunately the best bet is to not engage at all.

WandaWonder · 21/08/2023 22:37

Why do you think he can be banned?, what do you think the police can actually do?

TomatoSandwiches · 21/08/2023 22:42

Does the forum have a function where you can hide individual posters op?

Doyoumind · 21/08/2023 22:49

WandaWonder · 21/08/2023 22:37

Why do you think he can be banned?, what do you think the police can actually do?

I'm sure she doesn't think there's much they can do, but you have to put yourself in her shoes. The terrible panic and anxiety of them turning up stops you from thinking rationally and you just want to do something to resolve the situation.

RuffledKestrel · 21/08/2023 22:56

Ignore and block him on the forum so you don't see his posts/username. He can still see yours but at least you shouldn't see him.

Lindy2 · 21/08/2023 22:57

Can you change your user name? As a previous poster suggested let the members you know the best what you've done and why. If there's a block feature for certain members use that too.

Alternatively, just lurk on the site for a while but don't post. If he has no interest in the hobby and you're not posting, it's likely he'll get bored by it fairly soon.

You shouldn't have to go through this but he is confirming just how awful he is and how you were absolutely right to split with him and keep your children away from him.

Original poster
mousey24 · 22/08/2023 07:04

It's just the situation that I'm frustrated with. I know nobody can do anything as he has the right to continue to just happen to be in the places where I am.

Change your name, lurk, move on and find something else to do etc. It's always me that has to change my behaviour to get away from him following me around.

This nightmare will never end as every time I move on, he finds me and I can never be free of him.

OP posts:
PurpleBugz · 22/08/2023 07:28

I agree it's not fair. This made me think of the thing recently where Caroline farrow a vicars wife was arrested and had her devices confiscated because she called a trans woman a man. As a DV survivor who previously had the police refusing to do anything after a break in because ex didn't steal anything valuable the level of response to that really infuriated me.

Men are just worth more than women it seems.

If you don't know grey rock look that up.

My ex was an arse till he got his new victim pregnant now I assume shes his focus.

jeaux90 · 22/08/2023 08:44

Totally ignore it. If you engage you are feeding him.

Grey rock works because it's all about not being interesting to your abuser.

I'm so so sorry though, awful situation.

CliffsofMohair · 22/08/2023 08:47

I’d be getting your devices screened for any keyloggers or software like that.

GRex · 22/08/2023 08:53

It's annoying, but you could get an annoying online idiot there too. You will find there are a mix of forums; find one that's more private, explain the situation and invite users who you know well to move with you. No farewells, just stop posting. Set up your own with a private area if needed. Good luck!

Original poster
mousey24 · 22/08/2023 22:15

It's different with a random online idiot. They're just a random person.

When it's someone who has abused me in the past and I know they're deliberately turning up at places I go to make me feel uncomfortable, it triggers flashbacks to the abuse I suffered.

OP posts:
HotIce · 22/08/2023 23:09

I’m really sorry you’re going through this @mousey24. I have no advice, but I can empathise.

My most recent ex (whom I’d been friends with for 30 years previously) fell out with me when he found out I’d moved on a few months after we split and then got with my (now ex) best friend despite telling me he couldn’t stand her previously. I’d bought my first house just down the road from her before we got together and now I’m desperate to move because I can’t bear that he is still linked to me and I have my nose rubbed in the situation every time I see him/them/his car (he has no other ties to the area and lives half an hour away). I just want him to fuck off and get out my life permanently but I know there’s nothing I can do which makes it worse as I have no control over the situation. I can’t sell at the moment either so I’m stuck doing my best to avoid them. I didn’t realise he could be so vindictive and nasty and I just find it really creepy that he won’t properly let go (patten of behaviour over our long friendship).

I know the only way to rid myself of them emotionally is to stop caring and I’m just hoping time will do that. Are you getting any support to deal with the abuse? Although I know this is an incredibly hard thing to do, maybe feeling like you’ve taken your power back from him could help you stop caring that he’s trying to invade your space. Im so sorry, it’s incredibly unfair Flowers

Cherrysoup · 22/08/2023 23:15

It’s unfair but I would stop posting. There are other forums, no doubt.

Original poster
mousey24 · 23/08/2023 07:27

No, I've was told I could go on a DV survivors course but then the local charity who were helping me went bust so I never got to do it.

I've been trying to get mental health help since, but it's really hard to get it on the NHS and I can't afford to go private. GP just seems keen on putting me on anti-depressants but I've reacted badly to four different types now. I think I just don't get on with them and would prefer some kind of practical help.

OP posts:
Boopeedoop · 23/08/2023 07:32

Is this not a form of stalking?

NeverNoMore221 · 23/08/2023 07:41

Boopeedoop · 23/08/2023 07:32

Is this not a form of stalking?

Exactly.
Stalking and harassment is against the law in England and Wales - I'm confused by the response you received from the police.

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