Ex just being there

[mousey24]

Changed username as he might know my usual name on here.

Got divorced after domestic violence (physical and mental). He still had access to our children. He was still using coercive control and gaslighting through the children. (Eg: asking to change access day, then turning up on the original day and saying I must have got the days mixed up). He added a tracker to sons phone so he could watch where we went on my time. Several other things happened at his house and the children didn't want to go anymore as they were scared of him. It all went back to court and he lost his access.

I do a niche hobby. There's a forum where people chat about the hobby and just randomly chat. I like the company and I've made some good friendships through it. He knows I post on it.

He's turned up on that even though he has no interest in the hobby. I know it's him as he's posted personal information in some of the chats which makes it obvious to me that it is him. Like in chats about favourite things.

I find it triggering seeing his name in the chats. I know he could be watching me anyway, but if he was anonymous, I wouldn't know if he's been watching or not and it wouldn't affect me. Seeing his name and just knowing he is there triggers flashbacks and PTSD.

I've spoken to the website owner who said he hasn't broken any T&C's by being there so they won't ban him. I've also spoken to the Police who said stop posting on the forum and find another hobby.

AIBU to think it's harsh that the victim is the one who has to stop the things they enjoy and move on? Why is someone with a criminal history of abuse allowed to keep turning up and intimidating the victim? I'm sick of it and wish he'd leave me alone. I'm fed up with moving on and just want to be settled.

Could you leave the forum for a month and then go back under a pseudonym? In that time he will have gotten bored and moved on.

I agree with you, non-mols should be updated to include digital spaces as they are part of people's lives as much as physical spaces.

This is a different situation and you should consider your own thread for it, because things are complex.and the reason behind the split may affect advice. You "moved on" though ultimately, and your ex is reasonable to do that too. (The ex friend less so!) Spotting his car in your local area is not in any way equivalent to stalking, even if it's upsetting. You need to reframe your picture of your life into one without him, however hard that is to do.

I would leave the group and rejoin under another name later down the line. I agree it's not fair. My ex stopped harassing me when he found a new victim

thanks @GRex. I’ve started a few threads about the situation previously and there’s a lot more to it than I’ve put here. Where it feels stalkerish to me is that he’s only with my ‘friend’ to punish me and keep a link to my life. He doesn’t even like her but yet he’s at her house every evening. I’ve been in several abusive relationships previously, including my marriage so I do understand the difference. I was empathising with the op not being able to fully rid herself of her ex although it’s a different situation.

OP, I’m sorry your weren’t able to get the help you deserve. I wonder if there’s any resources online you could access? Have you done the Freedom Programme?