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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH forgot about the existence of my nieces

39 replies

DancesInCars · 21/08/2023 20:31

My OH has a new nephew today. We have a dc together and it will be her first cousin born on his side. I have 2 nieces (junior school age) therefore prior to the new baby arriving she already had 2 cousins. When talking about the new arrival he said to my dc ‘this is your first cousin.’ I asked him to clarify and he meant in terms of her not having any other cousins. When I reminded him about my nieces he said ‘you know I have a terrible memory’. I mean how bad can your memory be?! He hasn’t seen a whole lot of my nieces lately and they don’t live locally but he’s met them enough times to know that they exist. Although I don't see them as much as I'd like, my nieces are important to me. I have been with my OH for nearly 5 years and during the first few years of our relationship he met them a number of times including days out and a weekend away. At one point my eldest niece referred to him as Uncle. I'm very aware that writing this I'm referring to 'my' as opposed to 'our' nieces which really does highlight things for me. Sadly I feel like this is pretty indicative of our fractured relationship (a whole other story).

Would you be surprised/ annoyed if your OH completely forgot about the existence of your close family members?!

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 21/08/2023 20:38

I wouldn't say "our" neices either, if they've been around longer than he has and they've not spent much time together. I'd still be annoyed he forgot they existed!

Clefable · 21/08/2023 20:38

DH has a giant family, so he has more cousins than he can remember. He literally can't name them all, and when we go back to his home town we see people he's related to and he genuinely can't remember/doesn't know quite how they are related. So I would have no chance. He has 16 aunts and uncles, and they all had numerous kids, who now have kids, etc. But it is weird if you have a smaller family for him not to remember the people in it, yes. Is he a bit harebrained in general?

TaiDee · 21/08/2023 20:38

Just sounds like a brain fart, and at that moment he only had his side of the family in mind. I wouldn’t dwell on it at all.

And it’s not particularly different from you starting your post ‘My OH has a new nephew today’.

Takacupokindnessyet · 21/08/2023 20:44

I don't think he forgot you had nieces, he just doesn't see them as important to himself or his child. He sounds self absorbed.

MiddleParking · 21/08/2023 20:46

He didn’t mean he literally couldn’t remember. He meant he doesn’t care. Make of that what you will (personally I’d make of it that he’s a prick).

Legomania · 21/08/2023 20:48

Rightly or wrongly I would think of my sibling's children as 'more' my nieces and nephews than BIL and SILs' kids

Wenfy · 21/08/2023 20:49

He doesn’t care about your neices. So you don’t need to care about his nephew. Let him remember to sort out all the gifts etc.

catsnhats11 · 21/08/2023 20:50

Maybe he just meant, your first cousin on his side of the family. Either way, sounds like you have bigger issues int he relationship and this is just highlighted then. I'd dig into those bigger problems than dwell on this tbh.

MiddleParking · 21/08/2023 20:51

Actually with that being said, it sounds like it isn’t a known, ingrained fact that your nieces are your DC’s cousin which is a bit odd to me - my kids know my nephew is their cousin as well as they know that I’m their mother or that they they’re each other’s siblings, IYSWIM. You say you haven’t seen them in a long time- how long? Does your DC know them? Are you in touch with their parent who is your sibling?

SecondhandSalute · 21/08/2023 20:52

Clefable · 21/08/2023 20:38

DH has a giant family, so he has more cousins than he can remember. He literally can't name them all, and when we go back to his home town we see people he's related to and he genuinely can't remember/doesn't know quite how they are related. So I would have no chance. He has 16 aunts and uncles, and they all had numerous kids, who now have kids, etc. But it is weird if you have a smaller family for him not to remember the people in it, yes. Is he a bit harebrained in general?

Same with DH, whose mother is one of 12, and who is the youngest of 5 siblings himself — bazillions of cousins and nephews and nieces. I bet I’d been going out with him at least five years before I could do the most basic ‘who’s married to who’, far less ‘who gave birth to who’. And don’t get me started on ‘who’s divorced and remarried to whom’…

BellaJuno · 21/08/2023 20:57

I think you’ve a bit of a cheek to be annoyed at him when the first line of your post says “My OH has a new nephew today” - is he not your nephew too?!

It sounds like you don’t consider the nephew to be part of your family, so why should he feel the same about the nieces?

Pixiedust1234 · 21/08/2023 21:01

He doesn't care about your side of the family so therefore they do not exist.

What else does he "forget"?

Holidaystress11 · 21/08/2023 21:02

My kids have no cousins on my side. My mum was an only child and my dad's siblings didn't have kids and my siblings haven't had kids. On my dhs side however they have nearly 30 cousins. Dh is one of 9. I can only tell you the names of 9 of them. And to be honest i don't think dh remembers half of them either. Unless you mix with them regularly then a cousin isn't immediate family in my book.

steff13 · 21/08/2023 21:05

I would have thought that he meant it was a first cousin as in first cousin versus second cousin etc. I don't know that I would have even questioned it.

Whiskerson · 21/08/2023 21:11

BellaJuno · 21/08/2023 20:57

I think you’ve a bit of a cheek to be annoyed at him when the first line of your post says “My OH has a new nephew today” - is he not your nephew too?!

It sounds like you don’t consider the nephew to be part of your family, so why should he feel the same about the nieces?

It's not the same at all.

OP's nieces are unequivocally her daughter's cousins. There's absolutely no two ways about it, they simply are. It's absolutely bonkers that he just "forgot" this.

Whether or not OP and her OH consider each other's nieces and nephews to be "shared" is another question entirely - and since they're not married and their relationship is described as "fractured", I don't at all blame her for saying "his nephew".

Actually, even in the best of marriages, I still think it's reasonable to say "my nieces" or "his nephew" for clarity in certain contexts. I wouldn't be offended to hear my husband say "Whiskerson's nieces" - but I'd be bloody gobsmacked if he forgot they existed!

GlasgowGal82 · 21/08/2023 21:15

I couldn't get upset about this because I've done similar myself! I've got a nephew and a niece on OH's side. We were together when they were born and we were really close when they were younger and were able to travel to see them often. However, since my sister had two kids that are the same age as my own I have occasionally said things that suggest I have temporarily forgotten the older two. No matter how much you love your OH's nieces and nephews I do think it is a bit different when they are blood, especially when there is differences in proximity too.

Original poster
DancesInCars · 21/08/2023 21:28

Thanks for all the responses so far!

Just to clarify...

He definitely meant this would be dc's first born cousin believing that she didn't have any other cousins (as opposed to using the term first cousin to refer to the children of siblings).

The families are pretty small on both sides so there's no getting mixed up with endless cousins.

I see my nieces far more regularly than he does. I tend to visit them or meet up for days out. They were last at ours before Christmas. He was working so said a brief hello.

I agree on the point made that I have referred to OH's nephew (as opposed to 'my nephew'. It is his nephew but I very much hope to be part of his life. He's my dc's cousin and his parents are lovely. Weirdly I found out about his arrival before OH as his mum messaged me instead of him!

OP posts:
ABeesWings · 21/08/2023 21:30

I wonder if it’s because your nieces are slightly older, so in your OHs head he is seeing the new addition as the first cousin because they were born after your own child. The nieces and nephews on my DHs side were born before I met DH and I’m not considered to be their Aunty as a result. Maybe your OH thinks similarly to them - because he wasn’t in your life when they were born he doesn’t think of them as family in the same way as the newborn cousin. Then he covered his tracks by saying he forgot.

Magneta · 21/08/2023 21:40

Your use of "his" nephew is helpful in the context of explaining the problem to us.

This is one of those where it depends on the way he reacted when it was pointed out. "Oh of course, how could I forgot Amelia & Peggy? I'm such an idiot" - brain fart, not his finest moment but it's not worth stewing over,and you can now tease him mercilessly to ensure he never does it again. Whereas if he is defensive or essentially still thinks he's right, there's a problem.

ittakes2 · 21/08/2023 21:52

Sorry I really think you are overing thinking this. I lose track of family members all the time

Whiskerson · 21/08/2023 21:53

ittakes2 · 21/08/2023 21:52

Sorry I really think you are overing thinking this. I lose track of family members all the time

To the point that you would forget that your child has cousins, though?

floribunda18 · 21/08/2023 21:54

They aren't actually any relation to him if you aren't married though.

Original poster
DancesInCars · 21/08/2023 22:19

I should probably have noted, I don't at all expect OH to consider my nieces as his own (they were born before we got together). It's more that I find it odd and a bit upsetting that he forgets that they exist, especially as they're our dc's cousins.

OP posts:
TaiDee · 21/08/2023 22:53

DancesInCars · 21/08/2023 22:19

I should probably have noted, I don't at all expect OH to consider my nieces as his own (they were born before we got together). It's more that I find it odd and a bit upsetting that he forgets that they exist, especially as they're our dc's cousins.

Did he actually forget they existed though? It seems extremely odd that he would completely forget about the existence of human beings that he has met on numerous occasions in recent years, including a whole weekend away.

If he genuinely forgot they existed, you should probably have him medically assessed as that is extremely concerning. He could have a brain tumour or early onset dementia.

I would have assumed it is far more likely that, upon the birth of a first child of one of his siblings, he momentarily forgot that your nieces are also your child’s cousins.

Mumof2teens79 · 21/08/2023 22:59

Sounds like a momentary oversight. I make them all the time.