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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH forgot about the existence of my nieces

39 replies

DancesInCars · 21/08/2023 20:31

My OH has a new nephew today. We have a dc together and it will be her first cousin born on his side. I have 2 nieces (junior school age) therefore prior to the new baby arriving she already had 2 cousins. When talking about the new arrival he said to my dc ‘this is your first cousin.’ I asked him to clarify and he meant in terms of her not having any other cousins. When I reminded him about my nieces he said ‘you know I have a terrible memory’. I mean how bad can your memory be?! He hasn’t seen a whole lot of my nieces lately and they don’t live locally but he’s met them enough times to know that they exist. Although I don't see them as much as I'd like, my nieces are important to me. I have been with my OH for nearly 5 years and during the first few years of our relationship he met them a number of times including days out and a weekend away. At one point my eldest niece referred to him as Uncle. I'm very aware that writing this I'm referring to 'my' as opposed to 'our' nieces which really does highlight things for me. Sadly I feel like this is pretty indicative of our fractured relationship (a whole other story).

Would you be surprised/ annoyed if your OH completely forgot about the existence of your close family members?!

OP posts:

AuntMarch · 21/08/2023 23:01

BellaJuno · 21/08/2023 20:57

I think you’ve a bit of a cheek to be annoyed at him when the first line of your post says “My OH has a new nephew today” - is he not your nephew too?!

It sounds like you don’t consider the nephew to be part of your family, so why should he feel the same about the nieces?

He doesn't have to see them as his family. They are still the child's cousins!

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2023 23:02

This is not a big deal. I think you're currently projecting your overall dissatisfaction with your relationship onto this one issue.

Anothernamethesamegame · 21/08/2023 23:06

He didn’t literally forget the existed though did he. He probably just overlooked them/their relationship to your DC.

Do you talk to your child about his cousins he already has…is he aware of having cousins already?

Sprinkles211 · 21/08/2023 23:07

Wouldn't worry its probably just automatic that he meant on his family side, my dh asked me if my dad has had kids once lmao! (I was pregnant with our first, totally sent his brain to mush)

ElthamLemur · 21/08/2023 23:08

Is your DC a baby or non-verbal toddler? Usually when kids start to talk it’s common to go through family members with them and teach them who is who, but if your child is very young you maybe haven’t done that, and also the cousin relationship will not be that strong if a big age difference. So he perhaps forgot if the cousin relationship is a very theoretical one at the moment?

RobertaFirmino · 21/08/2023 23:13

Sprinkles211 · 21/08/2023 23:07

Wouldn't worry its probably just automatic that he meant on his family side, my dh asked me if my dad has had kids once lmao! (I was pregnant with our first, totally sent his brain to mush)

Fantastic 🤣🤣 Mine once asked me how long I'd known my DB! I think everyone has had these moments, there's really no need to overthink this. It's nice that he's excited about his new nephew. Is this his first nephew by any chance?

Blanketpolicy · 21/08/2023 23:15

I've unintentionally done the same when talking about my nieces/nephews. Dh occasionally does it too. I think it is pretty normal for people to sometimes slip up and overlook inlaws extended family, with no malice intended, and not remembering they are their childs blood relatives especially when you dont see them often.

I guess I am just lucky dh doesn't over analyse or take offence where it simply isn't needed.

Mumof2teens79 · 21/08/2023 23:18

RobertaFirmino · 21/08/2023 23:13

Show quote history

😂

AmazingSnakeHead · 21/08/2023 23:32

I think that's really weird. For some reason I find forgetting his own DC's cousins even weirder than forgetting your nieces.

I don't know why posters are acting as if you want them to be his nieces too. I don't refer to DP's nieces as my nieces or our nieces, they have always been "his" (unless talking to acquaintances who don't know our family and the details of the story don't matter). But I love them just as much as I would if they were my side of the family, I've known them since they were born (some 12 years ago!) and they are very very important to me. I think it's just because I was a new GF when the first one was born so "auntie" felt too soon, and this way of referring stuck. Goes without saying that I would never forget that they exist.

fedupnow2 · 21/08/2023 23:45

Anothernamethesamegame · 21/08/2023 23:06

He didn’t literally forget the existed though did he. He probably just overlooked them/their relationship to your DC.

Do you talk to your child about his cousins he already has…is he aware of having cousins already?

This, on dh a side we have 2 much older almost adult nephews. There's at least 15years between my dc and them. When my db had his first dd soon after my ds, the first thing dh said was finally he has cousins! I knew exactly what he meant. So I think you are overreacting.

Snugglemonkey · 21/08/2023 23:53

I would wonder if he forgot about their existence or if he forgot the relationship for a minute. Or if he feels his family relationships are more important.

My dp has a dn. We have quite a large age gap and dn is actually only a few years younger than me. I certainly do not see her as a niece in any shape or form. She was born a long time before we got together. Dp obviously does see her as a niece.

We attended her wedding, we see her fairly often, I would describe her as close, but not my niece like my siblings (small) children are dnieces and nephews. She has children similarly aged to mine. I totally see them as my children's cousins. But they are 2nd cousins obviously.

We do tell our children how they are related to people, but to be honest, they do not care, or even seem to retain the information.

We go over to Ireland to see my family and they are unsure who they are related to and how sometimes. There are loads of us to be fair, and then also my friends' children that we see a lot of. My son says Ireland is just full of cousins and love and I love that he has such a sense of belonging. Your child will define their own relationships. I would relax and let them.

My son's favourite "cousin" is actually the daughter of a v good friend of mine who lives in Ireland. No matter how short a trip we make, we have to see them every time, or he is really upset. My wee one does not care yet. I think it best to facilitate their own ideas.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/08/2023 23:59

I just think he misspoke and it isn't a big deal.

Italiangreyhound · 22/08/2023 01:17

My uncle died a few years ago but his Facebook account remained on and I nearly messaged him on his birthday. I think we all forget things.

NumberTheory · 22/08/2023 02:05

It sounds like he’s not that invested in your larger family. That may, in part, be because you’re not that invested in them. You say you would like to see them more but haven’t lately, so he may have glossed over it because, to him, you don’t act like you have nieces. But it’s probably more to do with him not being interested in doing any sort of emotional labour with the people on your side of the family. Culturally, men are given a pass on that sort of social networking to a much greater degree than women are. And if, as you seemed to be hinting, your own relationship with him isn’t great at the moment, he’s probably given your extended family no head space at all recently unless they’ve imposed on him in some way.

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