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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to spend 30 mins/an hour per day with 4 month old DD during the working week?

64 replies

Hydrangea91 · 21/08/2023 19:20

DH is self-employed but works outside of the house (a short 20 minute drive away). He normally gets home about 30 mins to an hour before 4 month old DD goes to bed so gets to spend a bit of time with her and help me with her bath and bed routine.

For the past few days however, DD has been napping less during the day and is therefore getting tired earlier in the evening, so have decided to move her bedtime forward by an hour as she is noticeably tired by this time. DH now says I should do the bath myself and put her to bed as his work is too ‘unpredictable’ for him to get home an hour or even 30 minutes earlier than previously. This would mean him not seeing DD at all during the working week, as he is normally gone by the time she is awake (approx 7am) and would not be returning home until I’ve started nursing her and putting her down to sleep (was 7pm but will now be 6pm).

He is self-employed and director of his own company, so despite his work being ‘unpredictable’ with client calls, he controls who he speaks to and when. Should he not therefore make the effort to be home by 5/5.30pm as opposed to 6pm to see his 4 month old DD for a mere 30 mins/an hour per day?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/08/2023 19:29

Seems like he was making it home until you changed the plan

Hidingawaytoday · 21/08/2023 19:33

It's a tough one - as many people working outside the home in 9-5 jobs would struggle to be home by then. Is the issue him not seeing DD or you wanting a bit of support in the evenings (not saying that's a bad thing - I know how long days with a baby can be!)

Depending on the answer could you compromise and ask him to be home 2 or 3 days a week, or go in late some days so he still sees her? Or, I know he works outside the home, but does all his work need to be done in the office? Could he bring a bit home - so come back, do bath, do a bit more?

Emma543 · 21/08/2023 19:34

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2023 19:29

Seems like he was making it home until you changed the plan

OP didn’t change the plan the baby’s needs changed.. not sure if you’ve heard but 4 month olds are notoriously unpredictable🙄

it’s a bit of a difficult one OP, could you compromise on him getting home slightly early on a couple of nights a week?

Hidingawaytoday · 21/08/2023 19:37

@Emma543 also has a very good point - at 4mo your DD's sleep is unpredictable and going to change regularly, it could be completely different this time next week!

NoKnit · 21/08/2023 19:39

The thing you need to consider here is that babies change all the time abd she will need less and less sleep. She might only need 6pm bedtime for a few weeks

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/08/2023 19:39

If you're putting her to bed at 6pm, won't she wake up before 7am? I presume that she naps in the day as well? Can she not have a longer/ later nap so that she stays up till 7pm? 6pm is very early!

I don't think you are at all unreasonable to expect him to spend a reasonable amount of time with his dd in the week but I do think you're very unreasonable to suddenly expect him to be able to come home an hour earlier every single day. There must be a compromise somehow?!

Tukmgru · 21/08/2023 19:41

Yeah he’s just being a bit of a dick tbh. Why doesn’t he do the mornings? That’s a few hours of quality time right there, and gives you a bit of sleep.

I’m a bit confused by his job - it’s different if it’s a physical job like building, but if he’s self employed working what would be considered a desk job, particularly if he runs the company, it’s really not hard in the post covid world to work from home more often than working away from home.

Summerscoming23 · 21/08/2023 19:43

He will regret it in the long run when he doesn't even know who he is. Unless he spends mega time over the weekend with her and all beds and wake ups.

BiIIie · 21/08/2023 20:12

6pm is very early

Windowcleaning · 21/08/2023 20:19

So the plan is that dd goes to bed at 6pm and sleeps to 7am?

That's ambitious for a four month old tbh, and will no doubt change again soon.

I wouldn't get too het up over dh seeing dd during the week for short while - he can spend lots of time with her at the weekend.

Winnipeggy · 21/08/2023 20:30

I don't think it's worth arguing over 30 mins before bed, and if he's struggling to get back then he's going to be rushed and potentially grumpy and it's of no benefit to your daughter right now. Is he attentive and involved at the weekends? She will not be going to bed at 6pm forever, that's very early, so I would just ride it out until her bedtime pushes back again.

Cornwallsummer · 21/08/2023 20:53

If this has always been his work hours then I think it's unreasonable to say he should change now. If it's flexible then yes at least a couple of evenings he should try to get home earlier. 6 pm for bed is very early though

HamishTheCamel · 21/08/2023 20:55

Compromise? A couple of times a week but not every night?

Sapphire387 · 21/08/2023 20:57

YABU to set a 6pm bedtime tbh. Is there no way of looking again at the daytime nap pattern?

DeeCeeCherry · 21/08/2023 20:59

He's self-employed. He absolutely could make effort and adjustments to actually be present in family life.

I've been self-employed since 2004. My DCs were very young then. Being self-employed albeit hard work, at least gave me some flexibility due to not working set hours. I know other women who are self-employed. It is ALWAYS the men who are oh so busy that they can't be around for wife and child(ren). They opt out of family life seamlessly via acting as if they've a manager who's telling them to sit in the office till 6pm. It's all bullshit. Women manage well enough, but men get a pass.

TMess · 21/08/2023 21:00

Nah her sleep schedule will change again in five minutes. There have been periods of time with each of my babies where DH didn’t see them much during the work week but he did everything except BF at the weekend and they certainly didn’t forget him or fail to bond with him. 6pm is very very early for bed.

Bumblenums · 21/08/2023 21:03

OP don't get in to a situation where dad never does bedtime - it means as they get older they won't tolerate dad and you will be stuck doing all bedtimes and won't be able to go out for bloody years. I speak from experience here, he needs to do his fair share.

teenysaladandsniffofarose · 21/08/2023 21:05

DeeCeeCherry · 21/08/2023 20:59

He's self-employed. He absolutely could make effort and adjustments to actually be present in family life.

I've been self-employed since 2004. My DCs were very young then. Being self-employed albeit hard work, at least gave me some flexibility due to not working set hours. I know other women who are self-employed. It is ALWAYS the men who are oh so busy that they can't be around for wife and child(ren). They opt out of family life seamlessly via acting as if they've a manager who's telling them to sit in the office till 6pm. It's all bullshit. Women manage well enough, but men get a pass.

Absolutely agree with this.

Of course during busy/stressful periods it's going to be a bit more difficult but if it's been an issue for a long time I'd start to get a bit fed up to be honest.

My partner runs a large company and is often under lots of pressure but he always makes time for our son as he has the power to make adjustments to fit around family.

Spirallingdownwards · 21/08/2023 21:05

When my DC was born my DH worked over an hours rive away so had to leave early and get back later than bedtime.but it was what it was and paid the bills at the time. That was what was more important then. My DC has no idea who was around and who wasn't.

Is it because you want a break or believe the child needs to see him or vice versa. As long as he steps up at weekends I don't see it as an issue.

underneaththeash · 21/08/2023 21:06

DH had the same issue, couldn’t make it home in time.
what do you expect him to do?

PosterBoy · 21/08/2023 21:10

He can do the 5am wake up slot instead.

Putting her to bed at 6pm is going to last about a week so I wouldn't get too het up about it.

Also, general point, make sure you don't become 'the expert' in your baby. Rod for own back there

boomtickhouse · 21/08/2023 21:35

PosterBoy · 21/08/2023 21:10

He can do the 5am wake up slot instead.

Putting her to bed at 6pm is going to last about a week so I wouldn't get too het up about it.

Also, general point, make sure you don't become 'the expert' in your baby. Rod for own back there

This. A 6pm bedtime isn't sustainable anyway.

Original poster
Hydrangea91 · 22/08/2023 03:08

Thank you for all of your comments.

Re the bedtime, 6pm is quite early but this would be the time when I take her upstairs to put her in sleeping bag and start nursing her. She tends to have a long feed (approx 20 minutes) before pacifying on the breast for a further 20 mins or so. Then she either falls asleep or I rock her off, so realistically she would be actually asleep around 7. She also wakes up during the night for a change and a long feed around 2/3am. I think it is because she is sleeping so well at night that her naps are lessening (can’t complain here!). She then goes down again from 3/4 until 6/7 but then again I am changing and nursing her while DH is getting ready to leave.

DH cannot do the mornings as he gets himself ready and is out of the door by 7 as most of his client calls are international and very early (another reason why I feel he could be home a bit earlier as he has less calls in the pm.) The reason he does not WFH is that DD is too loud and if she cries you can hear her in any room on the house, so not a great impression when he is on a client call!

Re wanting a break, of course it’s great to have his help with her bath after a long day, but is more the case that I don’t want him to become a stranger to her! And I feel like he should want to see his own daughter every day if only for a short while and prioritise this?

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 22/08/2023 03:38

You can expect what you want but doesn't mean you will get it, if you chose the bedtime to be that early then him not being home will happen

When she is older and goes to bed later he will see her more then

Canisaysomething · 22/08/2023 03:49

Your 4 month old is in bed overnight for 13 hours!? That seems unsustainable. I wouldn't change a working week for that. Encourage a nap and a later bedtime, 6pm is really early.

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