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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to spend 30 mins/an hour per day with 4 month old DD during the working week?

64 replies

Hydrangea91 · 21/08/2023 19:20

DH is self-employed but works outside of the house (a short 20 minute drive away). He normally gets home about 30 mins to an hour before 4 month old DD goes to bed so gets to spend a bit of time with her and help me with her bath and bed routine.

For the past few days however, DD has been napping less during the day and is therefore getting tired earlier in the evening, so have decided to move her bedtime forward by an hour as she is noticeably tired by this time. DH now says I should do the bath myself and put her to bed as his work is too ‘unpredictable’ for him to get home an hour or even 30 minutes earlier than previously. This would mean him not seeing DD at all during the working week, as he is normally gone by the time she is awake (approx 7am) and would not be returning home until I’ve started nursing her and putting her down to sleep (was 7pm but will now be 6pm).

He is self-employed and director of his own company, so despite his work being ‘unpredictable’ with client calls, he controls who he speaks to and when. Should he not therefore make the effort to be home by 5/5.30pm as opposed to 6pm to see his 4 month old DD for a mere 30 mins/an hour per day?

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 22/08/2023 03:52

The thing with young children is as soon as you think you have a routine they change again. 4 months is so young, before you know it she'll be sleeping and napping at different times. Just go with the flow and let your DH work his regular hours.

Grendell · 22/08/2023 04:06

It's a very temporary problem. I would not make a big deal of it.

Autieangel · 22/08/2023 06:32

My husband works longish hours usually out 6-630. When ds was a baby he would maybe get 15 minutes this meant at weekends ds was less likely to settle
For dh. It took two weeks off at Xmas when ds was 6m old for my dh to properly bond with his son

spitefulandbadgrammar · 22/08/2023 06:32

It’s temporary. Mind you DS goes to bed 6.15-6.30 most nights with the occasional 6pm, but it’s not forever.

It’s normal for one parent to not make it home for bedtime during maternity leave. Things then have to change when you go back to work to be able to manage childcare drop-offs and pick-ups (though by that point most babies are able to make it past 6pm), so arguably it’s more useful for him to bank his flexibility til needed.

Zanatdy · 22/08/2023 06:36

Surely he should want to get home and see his daughter a few nights per week? If he could organise his diary to make that happen and isn’t then yes he’s being selfish. No doubt he’s thinking about coming back to a nice quiet house (how it was pre baby) and is likely the sound of that. He can surely do 1-2 evenings coming back soon after 6?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/08/2023 06:37

I think if his job has always been roughly 7am-7pm out of the house, then surely you know that's what he needs to do before you have kids? So its unsurprising that these are the hours he needs to do to sustain his business? Especially if he has international clients.
Her sleep will flux over time anyways.

Mumof2teens79 · 22/08/2023 06:41

Yes he should
But he was, and you have changed the time
6pm is quite early and I guess not sleeping all the way through?

It's not that easy to just change your working hours and up and leave even if there is no boss stood over you

May she needs a

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 22/08/2023 06:41

I'm sure he would love to be home by bedtime. Unfortunately sometimes it's not always possible and is hard on the parent at home as babies are hardwork but also the one who is at work. It doesn't sound as though he's deliberately changed his working pattern to miss bedtime and as your DD grows her routine will change.

I'm the working parent and my husband stays home. I have a 70min commute so even if I finish bang on 5pm (I'm a SW it never happens) I get very limited time with our 8m old on a night. I miss him and some days feel I don't see him awake but I also have a responsibility to provide for our family. I do the majority of weekends and the night feeds so I can squeeze as much time in!

Mindymomo · 22/08/2023 06:49

Many fathers don’t get to see their children throughout the week, I have friends who work in London so are out of the house by 6 am and don’t get back home till after 7 pm. They can’t just come home earlier. Yes, they miss out on time with children, but try to be hands on at weekends. Personally I’d try and keep bedtime the same and maybe take baby for a walk afternoon to get baby to have more sleep during the day.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 22/08/2023 06:55

Even if you're self-employed it's not always possible to just change your hours at the drop of a hat.

I've been self-employed for nearly four years and while I can set my own hours to an extent, I still need to be available when my clients need me to be, or I won't have a business!

I think you're being unreasonable - you know what his working pattern is like.

PragmaticWench · 22/08/2023 07:07

If your DH buys a telephone headset with noise cancelling microphone (about £50), then he could definitely work from home and take calls if your DD is crying. It's not difficult.

PosterBoy · 22/08/2023 08:25

This is really an extremely temporary issue.

You won't be bf forever.

Your baby changed routine. They will change routine again.

You are already though creating the expectation that he gets up and on with his day while you do all the baby stuff. I wouldn't encourage that as a way of thinking at all. He can do nappy change and dressing while you do something else. If you don't make him a part of the routine where there are opportunities (it's you removing that opportunity for the evening by putting her to bed) then he will be more than happy to continue his life unaltered by children. You will regret it later.

labamba007 · 22/08/2023 09:37

I'm self employed. I have scheduled times for client meetings, not just as and when they feel like it. What does he do? If it's office based I can't see a reason why he can't work flexibly. To see my son, I have to work evenings some times when he's gone to bed. These are the choices you make when self employed!

FartSock5000 · 22/08/2023 10:52

@Hydrangea91 one way around this for you is to just hand over the baby and go out. Turn your phone off and go sit in a cafe for an hour.

Unless you force him to be alone with the baby, he will keep pawning off his parenting to you.

Don't give him a choice anymore. Hand baby over and go. It's only an hour and he will have to learn.

Ahwhatthehell · 22/08/2023 10:58

What’s he like at the weekends @Hydrangea91 ?

OhwhyOY · 22/08/2023 11:10

I would say see how the 6pm bedtime works first, before pushimg him to change his hours. it may mean she wakes up earlier and that's a nightmare, it may be that she starts napping again more etc.

I had a baby that was very tricky to get to sleep properly so read all the baby sleep stuff out there, and the main takeaway was that sleep needs change but also that sometimes they go through sleep regressions (there is actually a four month one I believe) where you have to be stricter about routines and getting them down for naps/bedtime and then they revert to normal. You may well know all this already but worth working out what her wake windows should be and stick to those for naps, have her in a darkened room etc. Sleep is pretty iffy in general until they get a bit older so hopefully she will get into a better nap routine soon. Great she's a good night sleeper already though!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/08/2023 13:45

FartSock5000 · 22/08/2023 10:52

@Hydrangea91 one way around this for you is to just hand over the baby and go out. Turn your phone off and go sit in a cafe for an hour.

Unless you force him to be alone with the baby, he will keep pawning off his parenting to you.

Don't give him a choice anymore. Hand baby over and go. It's only an hour and he will have to learn.

Him working his usual hours Monday to Friday isn't him pawning off his parenting onto the OP.

If, after the baby arrived he suddenly stopped doing 9-5 and shock now needed to do 12h a day - I'd agree with you. But unless the OP confirms that, we shouldn't assume.

Also, OP has yet to confirm what type of parent he is on weekends/days off.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 22/08/2023 13:54

labamba007 · 22/08/2023 09:37

I'm self employed. I have scheduled times for client meetings, not just as and when they feel like it. What does he do? If it's office based I can't see a reason why he can't work flexibly. To see my son, I have to work evenings some times when he's gone to bed. These are the choices you make when self employed!

That doesn't work for every kind of business, though.

Of course being self-employed means you can generally be flexible with your hours, you do have to fit in around your clients. Using my business as an example - I'm a dog walker so my clients need me during the working day - I can't just decide that I'm going to change my hours to evenings without it having a serious impact on my earnings (and my business long-term).

If OP's DH works with clients he needs to be available when they are. Being available to do calls at 8pm is pointless if your client isn't available after 5pm.

Setyoufree · 22/08/2023 14:02

I wouldn't personally make a fuss about that - as soon as you make a plan the baby will change it up anyway. He does need to do his fair share at the weekend though

Deathbyfluffy · 22/08/2023 14:05

DeeCeeCherry · 21/08/2023 20:59

He's self-employed. He absolutely could make effort and adjustments to actually be present in family life.

I've been self-employed since 2004. My DCs were very young then. Being self-employed albeit hard work, at least gave me some flexibility due to not working set hours. I know other women who are self-employed. It is ALWAYS the men who are oh so busy that they can't be around for wife and child(ren). They opt out of family life seamlessly via acting as if they've a manager who's telling them to sit in the office till 6pm. It's all bullshit. Women manage well enough, but men get a pass.

My ex was self employed, and was exactly like this - always making excuses to be late home, and taking forever to do anything asked in the evening to help.

Oh wait, my ex was a woman - I'm a man and did most of the evening routine on weekdays.
Or does that not fit your narrative?

labamba007 · 22/08/2023 14:14

@cinnamonfrenchtoast yes that's why I asked what he did. Of course if he does something like dog walking then it's not going to be flexible.

But many self employed people, majority of them men, use their self employment as a reason to get out of family time.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 22/08/2023 14:16

labamba007 · 22/08/2023 14:14

@cinnamonfrenchtoast yes that's why I asked what he did. Of course if he does something like dog walking then it's not going to be flexible.

But many self employed people, majority of them men, use their self employment as a reason to get out of family time.

If the longer hours were a new thing, I'd agree - but how is he avoiding family time when he's just working the hours he's always done?

labamba007 · 22/08/2023 14:16

@Deathbyfluffy - I see both sides of this and it's usually men who work way too many hours when they're self employed to avoid family time.

I know because part of my job is to help them put a stop to exactly that. Because they're far happier when they have flexibility and don't just jump when their clients say so.

labamba007 · 22/08/2023 14:19

labamba007 · 22/08/2023 14:16

@Deathbyfluffy - I see both sides of this and it's usually men who work way too many hours when they're self employed to avoid family time.

I know because part of my job is to help them put a stop to exactly that. Because they're far happier when they have flexibility and don't just jump when their clients say so.

He's working 7am until 6pm from what OP has suggested. If this was me as a self employed person with a young family I would be looking to reduce that to spend more time with my family. Either seeing them in the morning or the evening.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 22/08/2023 14:20

labamba007 · 22/08/2023 14:19

He's working 7am until 6pm from what OP has suggested. If this was me as a self employed person with a young family I would be looking to reduce that to spend more time with my family. Either seeing them in the morning or the evening.

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And he may as well start his new hours now otherwise it’ll be OP who’s left with all the childcare drop-offs and pick-ups, and later, all the school runs.

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