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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell me brother?

51 replies

rollonretirementfgs · 21/08/2023 17:38

Been stewing over this for weeks...

SIL was caught cheating on my DB with a work colleague about 6 years ago. She was forgiven and they have since had 2 kids,

Husband of my best friend spotted SIL a few weeks ago in a cafe with a man who wasn't my DB. Could be perfectly innocent. Could be another work colleague? No male family members in that age group that I know of. No male friends that I know of, in fact not many friends at all.

Spoke in confidence to another family member, she is 100% adamant I shouldn't mention it to my brother.

AIBU if I go against advice and tell him?

OP posts:
Zebedee55 · 21/08/2023 17:39

Mind your own business is my advice.

luckylavender · 21/08/2023 17:40

You have zero evidence of anything. People who are not married have coffee together. Depends on what sort of hand grenade you want to launch into your family.

Flipflipmania · 21/08/2023 17:40

This isn’t your cousin three times removed or a colleague or a neighbour

this is your brother

Hell yes you should tell him

unless the drop is that you’re NC or something like that 🙄

Flipflipmania · 21/08/2023 17:41

Wait

6 years ago!!

op - no!

I thought it was straight after the affair!

Original poster
rollonretirementfgs · 21/08/2023 17:42

Flipflipmania · 21/08/2023 17:40

This isn’t your cousin three times removed or a colleague or a neighbour

this is your brother

Hell yes you should tell him

unless the drop is that you’re NC or something like that 🙄

What's NC? And why the eye roll??

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 21/08/2023 17:42

Gosh, I can see where you’re coming from but you’ve made a huge leap.

Mind your own business for now.

These things have a habit of taking care of themselves.

Honeyandwine · 21/08/2023 17:43

It is your brother. I would tell my brother.

Hoppinggreen · 21/08/2023 17:44

No, if you had seen her then fair enough but SIL is allowed to be in the presence of a man presumably?

Youwho2 · 21/08/2023 17:47

Unless she was licking his face in public I'd assume he's a friend.

Frabbits · 21/08/2023 17:49

If you had caught them shagging then yes, of course.

Just seeing her with another man? Nope. Don't be a total shit-stirrer.

Original poster
rollonretirementfgs · 21/08/2023 17:49

Youwho2 · 21/08/2023 17:47

Unless she was licking his face in public I'd assume he's a friend.

That's the thing isn't it, once someone has shown their form it's hard to not assume the worst

OP posts:
Original poster
rollonretirementfgs · 21/08/2023 17:50

Frabbits · 21/08/2023 17:49

If you had caught them shagging then yes, of course.

Just seeing her with another man? Nope. Don't be a total shit-stirrer.

Why so aggressive??

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 21/08/2023 17:50

Can you ask SIL about it instead?

Otherwise I agree with pp that doing nothing is the safest thing at the moment.

NC is no contact, but I don't think that applies to you and your brother.

Original poster
rollonretirementfgs · 21/08/2023 17:51

Isittimeformynapyet · 21/08/2023 17:50

Can you ask SIL about it instead?

Otherwise I agree with pp that doing nothing is the safest thing at the moment.

NC is no contact, but I don't think that applies to you and your brother.

Ah I see, no we are really close

OP posts:
rwalker · 21/08/2023 17:52

Based on the fact you saw her with a man zero evidence of anything untoward

go ahead and tell him if you want to reopen old wounds based on nothing

BraveGoldie · 21/08/2023 17:53

It's a huge leap. But I can understand your concern.

If you do anything at all, I would simply say to her, in front of your DB - very light and casual- oh, a friend of mine said he saw you in town the other day... X cafe I think it was......

If she happily says - oh yes, I was meeting my friend James, then great.

If she doesn't mention being with anyone, then you could add 'yes, he'd have come over to say hi, but he saw you were with some guy' then leave it at that. Don't ask any questions/probe etc.

You've done zero harm and had a very natural conversation if she is innocent... you have laid a little seed to empower your brother with knowledge if she is doing something wrong.

OhmygodDont · 21/08/2023 17:55

Sat having a coffee. Nope.

Also you have checked they don’t now have an open relationship or anything right. Because some people do if his stayed with open cheating.

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 17:56

Your source only said that she was with a man, they didn’t say anything about holding hands, touching, gazing into each others eyes. So there probably wasn’t any of that and as such, I think no don’t tell him. If they had looked particularly cosy, then I would have said yes absolutely.

Jevwaypock · 21/08/2023 17:57

Tell your brother, he might already know about it, know who the person is and then there’s nothing to worry about. I’d tell my brother 100%.

Its not coming from a place of malice, I’m sure you would tell him even if she hadn’t had an affair before?

If you do tell him be sure to be honest and say you never saw her yourself and this is what so and so told me, I’m not trying to cause trouble I just want to tell you because your my brother

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 18:04

My late MIL broke the news that I was having an affair to my husband in front of me. Her evidence? I referred to two of my bosses and Mr Jones and Mr Smith (not their real names) the third one I didn't say Mr, he had a double barreled name and she thought I was using his first name so say his name was John Morgan Smith and I referred to him as Morgan Smith. She was most put out when DH nearly fell of his chair laughing.

We never explained what he found so funny, he knew Morgan Smith and she never figured out why her exciting revelation didn't break us up.

Things can be easily misinterpreted. Fortunately my example caused no harm but you need to be very careful.

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 09:49

Iwasafool · 21/08/2023 18:04

My late MIL broke the news that I was having an affair to my husband in front of me. Her evidence? I referred to two of my bosses and Mr Jones and Mr Smith (not their real names) the third one I didn't say Mr, he had a double barreled name and she thought I was using his first name so say his name was John Morgan Smith and I referred to him as Morgan Smith. She was most put out when DH nearly fell of his chair laughing.

We never explained what he found so funny, he knew Morgan Smith and she never figured out why her exciting revelation didn't break us up.

Things can be easily misinterpreted. Fortunately my example caused no harm but you need to be very careful.

Surely after something like this, you and your husband make the decision not to have any further involvement with your MIL?

Stoptheworldpls · 22/08/2023 10:56

Mind your own effing business
If your brother is anything like you, we know why she wants some proper company..

Azandme · 22/08/2023 11:02

You telling your brother his wife was seen with another man will reopen all his wounds and cause him to feel the pain again.

And you have zero clue what she was doing, or who it was! It could be a member of her family that third party gossip doesn't know. But even if it was innocent you won't be able to undo the impact telling your brother will have.

Either have the bottle to speak to SIL so you can decide if there is a valid reason to hurt your brother, or mind your own business.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/08/2023 11:09

You have information from a second hand source, and really not even that, the husband of a friend saw her, it’s not something you even saw yourself

stop shitstirring, either speak to sil, and be prepared to look very stupid listening to what is in fact third hand stuff, or let it go

Iwasafool · 22/08/2023 12:38

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 09:49

Surely after something like this, you and your husband make the decision not to have any further involvement with your MIL?

Show quote history

No we didn't we didn't make that decision, she was a crazy, lonely old woman. We were/are secure enough in our relationship that such nonsense just gave us a laugh.