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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell me brother?

51 replies

rollonretirementfgs · 21/08/2023 17:38

Been stewing over this for weeks...

SIL was caught cheating on my DB with a work colleague about 6 years ago. She was forgiven and they have since had 2 kids,

Husband of my best friend spotted SIL a few weeks ago in a cafe with a man who wasn't my DB. Could be perfectly innocent. Could be another work colleague? No male family members in that age group that I know of. No male friends that I know of, in fact not many friends at all.

Spoke in confidence to another family member, she is 100% adamant I shouldn't mention it to my brother.

AIBU if I go against advice and tell him?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 22/08/2023 12:47

No don’t.

There’s nothing to say.

you could ask her what the cafe was like or something in front of your brother. But an affair six years ago doesn’t make this something.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 22/08/2023 12:55

So when you tell your brother and 'confronts' SIL he will say
"my sister's best friend's husband saw you having coffee with a man"

The witness is so far removed from the situation, can you be sure it was even her?
I'm usually a "tell the spouse" person when it comes to affairs but only when you have actual proof (a confession, you yourself witnessed it, a recording, text messages etc), not hearsay through the grapevine.

Perhaps mention to her next time you see her that your friend saw her having coffee in [coffee shop] back in {month it happened} and loved her top, where did she get it from. Then, on the off chance it is an affair, she'll know she's been seen. If it isn't an affair, she'll just think your friend is weird.

fivelilducks · 22/08/2023 12:57

I'd tell my sibling straight away

WandaWonder · 22/08/2023 12:59

If you caught them shagging sure tell if not you don't know so spreading gossip

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 22/08/2023 13:03

fivelilducks · 22/08/2023 12:57

I'd tell my sibling straight away

That you saw their spouse having a coffee?

If I did that to my brother, he'd think I don't trust/like said partner or haven't forgiven them for the affair.

threecupsofteaminimum · 22/08/2023 13:08

Keep your snout out is my advice.

GalileoHumpkins · 22/08/2023 13:15

What exactly will you be telling him? Is your sil not supposed to go near any other man for the rest of her life or she'll be accused of cheating, I hope you can see how ridiculous that is.

mirax · 22/08/2023 13:17

Op, your brother has decided to make his marriage work despite his wife's infidelity and take it from me, he wont be grateful for your interference no matter how well-intentioned. I have been in your situation with my cousin whose wife walked to the airport with nothing but her handbag and flew out of the country to be with her online lover, abandoning him and their two kids. He didnt even know where she was until the credit card bills came in a month later. Three months later, she was back home, begging his forgiveness and all was forgiven. Was that the end of her flightiness? No. We saw her flirting with random men in clubs, send lovenotes to her dance instructor etc and just kept quiet because it was clear that my cousin had made his decision and simply didnt want to know.

GreekGod · 22/08/2023 13:17

I would tell my brother

mirax · 22/08/2023 13:18

My point is that even if your SIL is definitely cheating, dont tell your DB. He has to find out for himself.

10HailMarys · 22/08/2023 13:21

If your brother is going to be alerted to potential skulduggery every time someone as distant as his sister’s mate’s husband sees his wife doing something that is evidence of nothing, his marriage will fail whether she’s having an affair or not. Just leave it.

fivelilducks · 22/08/2023 15:13

Well yeah, I wouldn't say I thought they were having an affair, I'd just mention it in general chit chat

fivelilducks · 22/08/2023 15:13

Sorry that was meant for @SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Tohaveandtohold · 22/08/2023 15:20

For a spouse that has cheated on my brother before (even though the time she was caught was 6 years ago) I’ll definitely tell my brother.
I don’t believe that cheaters change anyway so I’ll certainly tell my brother and if there’s nothing to it then fine.
My brother is not someone who will cut me off for saying something, I’m not stirring up any shit, I’m just looking out for him because of the history.
If there was no history then I won’t say anything as I won’t even think anything on-towards because a man and woman are in a cafe

KrisAkabusi · 22/08/2023 15:26

This isn't Afghanistan. Women are allowed to be seen in public with a man. You are being very very unreasonable. I'm genuinely angry that you're policing this woman's life so much.

ABeesWings · 22/08/2023 15:27

Does the husband of your best friend actually know your SIL? - because that’s quite a removed relationship. If he doesn’t know her well it might just have been a woman who looked a bit like your SIL. Don’t stir a hornets nest if there is any chance your best friends husband could be wrong.

itsmyp4rty · 22/08/2023 15:51

For me the question is, how do you think your DB would feel about her having a coffee with another man? If I thought he'd want to know then I'd tell him.

GarlicGrace · 22/08/2023 16:42

Hang on, does your best friend's husband assume a woman & a man having coffee must be sexually involved?
I'd say that's the bigger story.

gamerchick · 22/08/2023 17:04

Well you can but if it's nothing then you'll be pegged as a shit stirrer for any future family relations

MrsElsa · 22/08/2023 17:16

Follow/stalk SIL a bit to gather some more evidence surely?

Only half joking, if it was my DB I'd be livid that his OH had cheated and want to protect him

Original poster
rollonretirementfgs · 22/08/2023 20:20

Stoptheworldpls · 22/08/2023 10:56

Mind your own effing business
If your brother is anything like you, we know why she wants some proper company..

You sound unhinged. But thanks for replying 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
rollonretirementfgs · 22/08/2023 20:27

GarlicGrace · 22/08/2023 16:42

Hang on, does your best friend's husband assume a woman & a man having coffee must be sexually involved?
I'd say that's the bigger story.

Well that's a HUGE assumption! Typical MN! Actually my friend and her husband know my brother and his girlfriend. My friend's husband said nothing of an affair, and didn't even know her history. He just mentioned he thought it was odd seeing her in a quiet corner of a coffee shop with a man who wasn't her partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
rollonretirementfgs · 22/08/2023 20:28

MrsElsa · 22/08/2023 17:16

Follow/stalk SIL a bit to gather some more evidence surely?

Only half joking, if it was my DB I'd be livid that his OH had cheated and want to protect him

Exactly! I feel really protective of him. I don't trust her, and I have reason to not trust her.

OP posts:
PandaPacer · 22/08/2023 20:30

Wasn't this a plot line on Real Housewives of New Jersey last season?

Is it you, Theresa?

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 22/08/2023 21:30

Your friend didn't see them doing anything untoward. I agree with PP who said not to bring it up with your DB because you could open old wounds and make your brother relive what he went through then. I'd want much more compelling evidence before I did that.