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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose trying for another baby or going back to University?

29 replies

Picklepepper1 · 21/08/2023 16:42

Not sure if this is the right place to put this but not sure where else it fitted.

So long story (kind of) short, I went to University when I was 20, during which I had the implant, was due to have it removed and a new one put in as I was one month over the 3 years it was effective. Low and behold whilst waiting for it to be removed I fell pregnant, so decided to drop out of my course and have my darling girl who is now 4. When she turned 1, me and my partner decided to try for another as we agreed we wanted another baby and would prefer to have them closer together. However, 2 years down the line and we still didn’t have a positive test and as it was during covid times, fertility issues..especially for a second baby, were not a priority for our GP. I got to the point where I felt like I couldn’t keep putting things on hold as was eager to get back to University and so we made the decision for me to go back when my daughter turned 3. Low and behold, 2 months into starting University, I finally fell pregnant. I stayed and completed my first year with the intentions of suspending my studies until my new baby boy was old enough to join the local preschool at the age of two (I live in a semi rural area, can’t drive and so it is the only preschool/nursery I am able to get him to but they do not except children till the age of two).

The reason for this post is that I can’t help but feel like such an urge for one more child but my partner has said that he is all for having one more, however it would have to be in the next 2 years because he is getting a bit older now (currently 35) and doesn’t want to spend his life returning back to having small children, which is obviously understandable (he also has an 11 year old). This obviously affects my plans on returning to uni as I cannot suspend my studies any longer then I currently am, nor can I drop out from my course and try again in a few years as I already used my ‘bonus year’ from student finance, and would not be able to afford the fees on our own.

So I have to choose between having a much wanted third but final baby, or returning to University.

Am I being unreasonable for leaning towards having a third baby?

I am so worried that I will get to an age and have regrets for not having one, however would never regret having one.

Obviously this all being said, I might not even be able to fall pregnant for a third time.

OP posts:
mycoffeecup · 21/08/2023 16:44

Partner, not husband? Finish your degree and get a job, you're hugely vulnerable. If he wants to even consider you putting your life on hold for longer, you need to be married or in a civil partnership.

BlueSquirrelTurnip · 21/08/2023 16:47

You’re so young OP. 24/5 (?) and already 2 kids, a step kid not much younger than you, and an older partner pressuring you to have another kid.

My advice would be - go and do your degree! And get your driving licence! You could have another baby in 10 years time if you wanted. I’d really think carefully about dropping out of your degree.

get some independence first.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/08/2023 16:49

Your partner needs to stop overpopulating the planet and you need to establish a livelihood ASAP.

strawberryjeans · 21/08/2023 16:56

If it were your first or second I’d say go for it, but it’s not. It’s your third and his fourth. That’s a lot. What would you hope that 3rd baby would bring you that the other two haven’t? Who can afford 2+ unless you are extremely high earners these days anyway

Do not let him dictate that he wants to be no older than 35, he should be wanting the best for you. Enjoy the lovely babies you have got and do something for you. If things went pear shaped with your partner you would hugely regret not doing this. Do right by yourself and your two little ones.

titchy · 21/08/2023 17:07

24, two kids, isolated, and giving up your degree. Sad

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 21/08/2023 17:10

You need to focus on getting some financial independence. You're in an incredibly vulnerable position and I don't like the sound of your partner one bit.

Mirabai · 21/08/2023 17:12

Finish your degree and learn to drive. Don’t prioritise biological urges over the rational decisions, you’ve got plenty of children.

MaryShelley1818 · 21/08/2023 17:12

Surely there's only one sensible option! Go and finish your education which is in the best interests of the children you already have.

Mirabai · 21/08/2023 17:13

Do not let him dictate that he wants to be no older than 35

It’s a perfectly valid wish not to have children any older than that. If he were female it would be entirely understandable.

riotlady · 21/08/2023 17:14

What is your course and what are your career plans with/without it? Important to factor in

Viviennemary · 21/08/2023 17:14

You have already had enough disruption to your studies. If you want to return to Uni do it now. Your DH isn't that old. Only 35.

strawberryjeans · 21/08/2023 17:15

Mirabai · 21/08/2023 17:13

Do not let him dictate that he wants to be no older than 35

It’s a perfectly valid wish not to have children any older than that. If he were female it would be entirely understandable.

Yes it is. He can wish, or choose whatever he wants. I don’t like the sound of him though in this context because what about what is in the best interests of the OP? He’s more concerned about his age than the fact it would make more sense for OP to actually finish her education and do something for herself. He sounds a bit selfish in my opinion

yellowsmileyface · 21/08/2023 17:15

Finish your degree, have another child when the time is right for you. You still have many years of being able to conceive, don't let your partner pressure you into it because he wants to now.

Tbh he sounds quite controlling. Sounds like the focus is on what he wants, rather than it being a discussion about what's right for both of you.

CuteCillian · 21/08/2023 17:16

You need to focus on getting some financial independence.
Obviously your partner must be very wealthy as he can provide for 4 DC but, as you are not married, you need to ensure your future security.

toomuchlaundry · 21/08/2023 17:20

Have you ever had a job?

strawberryjeans · 21/08/2023 17:32

OP I don’t think some of the comments on here will be what you want to hear. Only you know what is right for you and your family but I’d seriously consider why you need to have a third right now. 37 vs 39 isn’t a huge difference for your partner but it is for you and your uni, you’ve given him two DC the least he could do for you is compromise on this xx

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 21/08/2023 17:36

I'm going against the grain here...you can always get a degree but having a baby later is harder particularly given you've struggled on your second.
A friend of mine had hers really early, did an ou degree while her kids weren't in school and is kow qualified and earning a fair salary. And the bonus? She doesn't have to think about nursery fees, maternity leave etc.

ReadtheReviews · 21/08/2023 17:39

First, learn to drive.
Second uni or whatever training gets you into a career you want.
Third child if still all good with partner.

Scienceadvisory · 21/08/2023 17:39

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 21/08/2023 17:36

I'm going against the grain here...you can always get a degree but having a baby later is harder particularly given you've struggled on your second.
A friend of mine had hers really early, did an ou degree while her kids weren't in school and is kow qualified and earning a fair salary. And the bonus? She doesn't have to think about nursery fees, maternity leave etc.

Except she can't always get a degree. The OP says she will have used 2 years of student finance funding but if she goes back later will need to do 3 years of study. This means finding the fees for 1 year herself. Most people would struggle to find a spare £9k, especially when they are not working.

Original poster
Picklepepper1 · 21/08/2023 17:52

Thank you everyone for your input. I guess I already knew deep down what the right thing to do would be! Guess it was kind of a heart vs head situation, in this situation head is the right thing to do.

I know the maths is a little confusing but I am actually 26 not 24 (fell pregnant at 20, had my daughter at 21..she turns 5 next month). My partner earns a good wage and I was on the list for driving lessons whilst I was pregnant but again due to covid back log by the time I got to the top I was due in about 2 weeks so obviously not the best time to start! Now my little boy is almost 1 we’re talking about getting back on the lists so I can learn.

I appreciate all your concerns on my partners view on it all, I guess he could be a bit more understanding of my situation..although I do see his side because obviously small children are hard work! And he is happy to have another child, however it is more my wish.
I guess in my head I always wanted three, I think it’s a good number! Just obviously that doesn’t take into account we have my partners son every weekend so in some ways I already have that.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 21/08/2023 17:58

get Your education. You owe it to your existing children to not stay in such a vulnerable position. Your partner may be the best man on the planet, but he could still get sick or get hit by a bus. You have to be ready and able to get a job and fully support yourself and your children at any time.

ShineLikeA · 21/08/2023 18:04

Gosh, OP, no contest here -- finish your education, which has already been interrupted enough by pregnancies!

Lizlibrarian · 21/08/2023 18:13

I had my first child before uni when I was young. I'm no longer in a relationship with her father but I'm married now to someone else and have another child. In between my two dc I went to uni and it's the best decision I have ever made. I'm older than you now but was your age ish on starting my degree. Without it I would not be where I am today. I am financially independent, earn a decent salary and know that I can give my dc a life I never would have if I'd have never gone back to education. Given the choice again I'd do the same. It obviously depends on what you intend to study but if your planning to do a vocational course then it will be valuable to you and your current dc. Even if you plan to stay in your relationship forever and be a sahp it's a back up that you need. You owe your current dc the best life you can provide and that starts with you being financially independent and responsible. They will appreciate it more than another sibling.

Original poster
Picklepepper1 · 21/08/2023 18:17

@Lizlibrarian thank you so much. Your message is exactly what I needed to hear.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 21/08/2023 18:25

strawberryjeans · 21/08/2023 17:15

Yes it is. He can wish, or choose whatever he wants. I don’t like the sound of him though in this context because what about what is in the best interests of the OP? He’s more concerned about his age than the fact it would make more sense for OP to actually finish her education and do something for herself. He sounds a bit selfish in my opinion

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If woman saying she didn’t want to have any more children post 35 would be seen as perfectly reasonable, her partner would just have to suck it up.

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