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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this guest is a bit much?

46 replies

Choiceoftoppings · 21/08/2023 15:51

A friend of mine has asked to come and stay next month for four nights while she's visiting the city I live in. We're friends but not especially close/best friends.

Initially she said 'a couple of nights' which is transpires is actually 4. She then dropped that it would actually be her and her boyfriend (who I've never met, but I'm sure is lovely). She didn't ask, she just told me it would be both of them.

AIBU to be a bit rubbed up the wrong way, and feeling like she's invited herself?

Perhaps it's just me, but I wouldn't even ask to stay four nights with someone - I'd get a hotel and ask if they want to hang out. I feel like it puts me in an awkward position because I really don't want a guest that long, especially when I'm basically being used as a hotel, but I feel like I would BU to say no just because I don't want to. I also worry that this is going to be expected now every time they want to visit [city].

But in the other hand I guess maybe they can't really afford a hotel, or for them/their family it's more normal to ask to stay with people and I'm being uptight.

I honestly can't tell if I'm being U. I've visited friends in other countries and still not asked to stay at their house. I basically would only do so if I was actively invited, or in an emergency.

But like I say, I might be being uptight! DP is fine with it, and since we're all friends I don't want to start bitching to him about it so I came here, for your judgement.

OP posts:
CruCru · 21/08/2023 15:57

Yeah, that would annoy me (a bit). Apart from anything else, if you believed her when she said a couple of nights and arranged for someone else to come and stay, what would she do? People need to be direct and say when they are coming and going.

Are you expected to host or are they going to sort themselves out and use you as a crash pad? Which would you prefer? You need to tell her directly.

Its quite acceptable to say no to visitors if they aren’t convenient.

GolgafrinchamB · 21/08/2023 16:00

Say no.

"Hi CF, when I said it would be fine I was agreeing to 2 nights with only you coming. Now that's 4 nights of 2 people it's no longer convenient for me. I can point you to a couple of decent hotels/B&Bs locally if you would like.
Best,
NoLongerAMug"

Threegreenbirds · 21/08/2023 16:00

I can see why you are annoyed. It seems like they used the initial request to get you to say yes then changed the goal posts. How much do you hang out with these friends? Do you feel used?

ManateeFair · 21/08/2023 16:00

YANBU.

Don't get me wrong - there are definitely people who would be totally fine with someone asking to stay for four nights with their boyfriend. My guess is that your friend would actually be someone who wouldn't mind if someone did her what she's done to you. But plenty of people wouldn't be keen on a four-night stay from a not-very-close friend (or anyone really!) especially when they've decided to bring their boyfriend without asking you.

My DP has a relative who once asked us on a Sunday (while we were actually travelling home from a holiday) if she could stay for a night on Tuesday because there'd been some fuck up her travel for a work thing. We agreed as we didn't feel we could say no, and then when she arrived she casually announced that she would also 'need' to stay with us for two nights the following week as well. I barely know her and DP has only seen her about three times in the past 20 years!

LifesIsABeach · 21/08/2023 16:01

GolgafrinchamB · 21/08/2023 16:00

Say no.

"Hi CF, when I said it would be fine I was agreeing to 2 nights with only you coming. Now that's 4 nights of 2 people it's no longer convenient for me. I can point you to a couple of decent hotels/B&Bs locally if you would like.
Best,
NoLongerAMug"

This^

CoalTit · 21/08/2023 16:02

I had a similar problem last summer, with different people wanting to stay and then telling me, as opposed to asking, by sms so as to avoid discussion, that they would be staying longer, that they would be leaving their dog with me to look after for a day or two after they left, et cetera.
The first time I let it go ahead and my guest ended up storming out ( but at least he took his dog with him).
The second time I texted back "That's not what we agreed to". I got no reply, so 30 minutes later I sent another message saying the agreement was off. It caused some ructions but I'd prefer the ructions to the resentment and indignation I felt after the first guest did the bait and switch and took me for granted.

Crunchymum · 21/08/2023 16:03

Just tell them something has come up and you have to rescind your offer.

Azaeleasinbloom · 21/08/2023 16:04

God I hate it when people do that. I have family members who have said they are coming for 5 nights abd turn it into 8; who say they will cater for themselves then look to me to feed them and their exceedingly spoiled children.
Thanks OP, I feel better for that vent ! But seriously, I am with pp, just say sorry, but no.

readingismycardio · 21/08/2023 16:06

I'd say no!

AffIt · 21/08/2023 16:07

GolgafrinchamB · 21/08/2023 16:00

Say no.

"Hi CF, when I said it would be fine I was agreeing to 2 nights with only you coming. Now that's 4 nights of 2 people it's no longer convenient for me. I can point you to a couple of decent hotels/B&Bs locally if you would like.
Best,
NoLongerAMug"

This, really.

Don't get me wrong, I love having guests, but experience has taught me that a) three nights is the absolute maximum and b) it's always best to meet people (friends or partners of family or friends) first before hosting where possible, as if the friend or partner is an arsehole, it all gets a bit awkward and complicated trying to shoo them out your house.

LoobyDop · 21/08/2023 16:11

Perfect time for the Mumsnet classic “sorry, that wouldn’t work for me”.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 21/08/2023 16:15

@GolgafrinchamB has it.

GLORIAGloriarse · 21/08/2023 16:16

That's cheeky, especially as you've never met her BF and she indicated it was just her.

Up to you if you want to pull out or keep it to 2 nights, you'd be within your rights.

I probably wouldn't mind if they just wanted somewhere to stay plus to hang out some of the evenings but I wouldn't be wanting to host them properly, cook all weekend etc.

Could be worth making it clear what you are fine with 'ok so it's you and Bob for 4 nights then. Happy for you to stay but I have quite a lot on so you'll be ok to sort out your own meals and plans, won't you? It'll be nice to catch up at the weekend'.

lizzielizard · 21/08/2023 16:16

Just remind her of the saying "fish and guests stink after 3 days"

Marwoodsbigbreak · 21/08/2023 16:17

GolgafrinchamB · 21/08/2023 16:00

Say no.

"Hi CF, when I said it would be fine I was agreeing to 2 nights with only you coming. Now that's 4 nights of 2 people it's no longer convenient for me. I can point you to a couple of decent hotels/B&Bs locally if you would like.
Best,
NoLongerAMug"

Perfect

ItLooksLikeChickenSoItMustBeChicken · 21/08/2023 16:17

She's a CF. Tell her your mum or someone is staying so you won't have the room.

hollyblueivy · 21/08/2023 16:17

How often do you catch up or communicate with this friend? Has she ever put you up?

I'd be inclined to reject it as I think you'll end up feeling resentful.

BadBadDecisions · 21/08/2023 16:17

I would say somethings come up...a work trip or something. Very cheeky!

RubiRage · 21/08/2023 16:18

You need to woman up! She’s a cheeky cunt, tell her you are not a hotel. If you don’t sort this out now, you could be stuck with her & her, & her friends or family for life.

billy1966 · 21/08/2023 16:18

LifesIsABeach · 21/08/2023 16:01

This^

Show quote history

This.

And even then you have been really really generous IMO.

She's a complete CF and my guess would be, will be an entitled ill mannered guest.

I wouldn't tolerate this for a second and i did loads of putting up when I was younger.

ManchesterGirl2 · 21/08/2023 16:19

GolgafrinchamB · 21/08/2023 16:00

Say no.

"Hi CF, when I said it would be fine I was agreeing to 2 nights with only you coming. Now that's 4 nights of 2 people it's no longer convenient for me. I can point you to a couple of decent hotels/B&Bs locally if you would like.
Best,
NoLongerAMug"

This is perfect.

Sparkletastic · 21/08/2023 16:23

I'd say that unfortunately you won't be able to host them after all but would love to meet for a drink / dinner / brisk round of bingo.

Cowlover89 · 21/08/2023 16:25

Say no

WorseDecision · 21/08/2023 16:27

Just say no, somethings come up. See you another time.

FlamingoQueen · 21/08/2023 16:28

I would just reply with ‘I’m sorry, that isn’t great for me, but would love to have a catch up and meet your bf so let me know when is good for you!’
If you decide then that you like the bf you may say they could stay next time.