To think this guest is a bit much?

[Choiceoftoppings]

A friend of mine has asked to come and stay next month for four nights while she's visiting the city I live in. We're friends but not especially close/best friends.

Initially she said 'a couple of nights' which is transpires is actually 4. She then dropped that it would actually be her and her boyfriend (who I've never met, but I'm sure is lovely). She didn't ask, she just told me it would be both of them.

AIBU to be a bit rubbed up the wrong way, and feeling like she's invited herself?

Perhaps it's just me, but I wouldn't even ask to stay four nights with someone - I'd get a hotel and ask if they want to hang out. I feel like it puts me in an awkward position because I really don't want a guest that long, especially when I'm basically being used as a hotel, but I feel like I would BU to say no just because I don't want to. I also worry that this is going to be expected now every time they want to visit [city].

But in the other hand I guess maybe they can't really afford a hotel, or for them/their family it's more normal to ask to stay with people and I'm being uptight.

I honestly can't tell if I'm being U. I've visited friends in other countries and still not asked to stay at their house. I basically would only do so if I was actively invited, or in an emergency.

But like I say, I might be being uptight! DP is fine with it, and since we're all friends I don't want to start bitching to him about it so I came here, for your judgement.

Perfect response. Perfectly politely sets out the situation.

In my book, asking to stay for 2 nights is okay for a fairly close friend. Coming from a not very close it's borderline not quite okay. But extending it to 4 nights + boyfriend is definitely CF territory.

I too would go with a (possibly slightly softened) version of @GolgafrinchamB 's response.

If you suck it up you'll just end up seething with resentment, and judging by how you feel about this friend it's just not worth it.

I'd send @GolgafrinchamB's response.

I wouldn’t like that but I’m not that kind of hosting person. She may well be so she thinks it’s normal and everyone is like her. But that doesn’t mean you can’t say no to her. I’d find four nights too much as well.

Absolutely not! In no circumstances would I let a man who I had not met ever stay with me for 4 days! He could be a thief, pervert, pyromaniac or just really bloody annoying! Do you really want to be on constant “are they shagging” alert for 4 days? Plus if they are 2 grown adults why the fuck don’t they pay for an Airbnb?

I agree with the messages on here saying tactfully blame it on a misunderstanding and back out now. A 2 day visit from a single friend is massively different to 4 days from a couple even if you know the partner. Plus there is NO WAY she hasn’t done this on purpose.

Asking to stay is not ht problem. It's the stealth aspect of adding a guest and adding 2 days that is the problem.

I'd be replying, "oh, I thought you said 2 days - I can do that and looking forward to it but I'm sorry, 4 days isn't feasible."

The boyfriend is more complicated. I completely agree she should have asked for both of them in the beginning but assuming you know him, I think that one you should let go.

What your friend is used to, or can afford, is irrelevant. You are not morally obliged to accommodate her, or the boyfriend you have never met. And four nights is quite a long time for house guests, unless you have a large house.

Just say a hard no. I was a people pleaser that was manipulated like this for years. In fact someone tried it with me last week. I said NO. Think they’ve taken umbrage but there we are

Thank you, everyone! I honestly don't think she's being a CF on purpose - but I agree with you all she's crossed a line into that territory. I'll talk to DP about our response. I don't think she's expecting to be cooked for or anything, but it has put me on alert to any CF behaviour.

Just tell her you aren't feeling comfortable hosting a stranger..

Yeah, I think I'm going to say that I'd rather wait until I've met her bf before I host him. Also that as a couple they'd probably be more comfortable not sleeping in our box room!

That makes it sound like you are offering your bed.

I have guests quite often and I don't always know them all that well (extended family abroad) but I wouldn't be comfortable with someone asking if they could stay and then just telling me their bf was staying as well. It's not the hassle of it all its the fact it feels a bit sneaky that I wouldn't like. Having guests you don't know as well is always a bit more intense, spending time making small talk, less comfortable walking round with just a towel on etc.

I think given that she has now changed the goalposts, in two ways (length of stay and extra guest) it's fine to go back and say you're looking forward to seeing her but thought you were having one person for two nights and as its now 2 for 4 nights then you're only able to commit to hosting for two nights (if you want to)

Perfect - polite, to the point and leaves no room for doubt

I'd just say: sorry, I can only do the 2 nights we initially planned.

Absolutely fair play to say no but don't use that second excuse, leaves you open to her merrily saying 'no worries!! We're not particular, we've slept in a bath before now!'. People can have surprisingly thick skins when they wants something. Just stick to it not working for you for whatever reason, not her convenience.

Ask her if she’s ok sleeping on a camp bed, and can she bring her own sleeping bag.

I wouldn't apologise or make excuses to her, she's a cf. Can't stay, there are plenty of hotels.

This is perfect ^^

So,have you told her? Or are you going to come back and say dh had talked you found and this whole thread a waste of posters time ?

Wow, sorry, I didn't realise I was obliging people to reply and there was a deadline! DH didn't try to 'talk me round' either, he just didn't mind much either way - he's in the office and I'm WFH so I don't think he thought about how annoying it would be if they hang around in the morning.

But yes, I did get back to her and good news! I said to her that as it is really a single room I wasn't comfortable hosting for more than two nights - I suggested the first and last for her travel plans since we're near the station - and now we're down to one! She's prevailed on someone else to "very kindly" take her in for the other three, so only coming to us for the last one. She seemed a bit surprised, but oh well.

I know I should have told her to push off altogether. If there's a next time I'll be quicker off the mark to say were busy. I suspect she won't ask again after she's stayed on the little fold-out bed, anyway!

She also asked if I can drive her to the station on my way to work, but I flatly said no as a) I walk to work, and b) it's the other direction anyway.