Need more support during summer holidays

[Bookworm94]

Writing to you all feeling desperately low.

For some context, my dad passed away a week ago, my mum passed away three years ago and my mother in law three years ago.

Its the summer holidays and obviously my dad has just passed away a week ago, I’m home with the children and we got them out this weekend to a farm and a park and I’m trying my best to put on a brave face. My oldest daughter (7) has asked me every day of the summer holidays if we can go to our local soft play, I don’t drive and it’s a bus ride and a walk away. I’ve tried my best to get them out and take them to different parks, they’ve had a cinema trip and walks but all I hear about it soft play and have been asked every morning since my dad passed if we are going today, I’m struggling with the thought of taking them out by myself right now and being around lots of people. I really am trying to be the best parent I can be and I feel so bad on both my girls having lost so many grandparents, I just don’t know how to cope with my own feelings with a constant pressure.

I’ve tried having words with her and just saying that she needs to be a little bit patient and the more she puts pressure on me the less likely I am to do it.

As 3/4 of our parents have passed away I don’t have a lot of support of anyone who could take them of my hands for a day, my partner works throughout the week and gets home at 6pm it’s all on me to provide entertainment. I’ve tried talking to my other half about this in the hope he too will have words with our daughter but he doesn’t. He also constantly feels bad on the girls on the days I don’t get them out so I just end up feeling doubly guilty when really I just want someone to tell me I’m doing a good job and not to put so much pressure on myself.

Am I being unreasonable? Does everyone feel an insane amount of pressure during the summer holidays?

please be kind, thanks

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, it's an awful time for everyone, please be kind to yourself. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job under difficult circumstances, and you've no reason to feel guilty.

Your DH doesn't sound particularly supportive, perhaps suggest he could give you some time off at the weekend by taking the children to soft play at the weekend? It would give you some time to yourself, and your DD gets to go to the soft play.

It's tough.

Can next weekend's outing be soft play? Then you've got an answer this week - we're going on Saturday - and hopefully that will knock it on the head. It sounds as if it's the thing she most wants to do.

Are you on good terms with any of the kids' friends' parents? If they know that you're struggling to get out and about, they might be willing to take your child off with them for a day. If you're too shy to ask, how about asking "any suggestions for places to take the kids which aren't too crowded - my dad's just died and I can't cope with much more than the park at the moment, but they're bored of that". That may be enough for someone to realise you're struggling and offer, but without you having to make a direct request.

Thanks for both the responses, it really is appreciated.

I think subconsciously I have written off going to soft play of at the weekends as I know my other half won’t want to go but like you both have said it will take the pressure of it I can promise to take her on the weekend. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of that.

I agree she does really want to do it, although I can guarantee that as soon as she does it, it will be something else that she asks for. It’s the same every summer holidays, she will be quite pouty and act disappointed over all the things I hadn’t done with her over being happy about the stuff I have done. I’m sure it’s a trait most children of this age share. As I said, my other half then too feels bad for her which I think she picks up on. Just feel I’m forever letting people down.

I have a couple of good friends that I know would happily help but they work throughout the week and have childcare issues themselves. I work nights but obviously am currently off for bereavement leave, I go back Wednesday night.

Thanks again for the supportive messages.

I’m really sorry about your Dad x

I think suggesting the weekend sounds like a good plan. Have a conversation with DP tonight about it. But don’t feel you have to
go to soft play either. She’ll live.

Also - I know not the point of your post - but could you prioritise learning to drive to give you the freedom?

School holidays are the pits!

I lost my Dad in January, and I'm still struggling to find the ground under my feet. Everything feels different, I feel different. My children are adults but I've felt that I've neglected them at the moment and I know they're also grieving.

It's an utterly shit time, nothing makes it less shit, and every normal thing you're managing to do right now is OK. None of us are super human. It'll get easier

Thank you!

I have been learning to drive for about 4 years on and off, unfortunately it’s not been a good experience for me but one that I’m going to keep doing until I get there, for the sake of my girls. I try my best to not let this effect them and normally we catch the bus to lots of different places, this year I’ll admit has been a bit different because of the weather, everything being so damn expensive (we’ve not long bought our first home and now have a lot less expendable money after £1100 morgage has come out of our account) and also the fact that I’m struggling with depression. I think an accumulation on a lack of support, tiredness from working nights and just feeling quite lonely and wishing we had more family time with my partner home to help has all played a part, and now to add this and funeral planning. Poor kids, I’m hoping that once I get the funeral out the way with we can book some things to look forward to maybe for the October holidays.

Your dp needs to take some time off.
Dont ask - tell him - I can’t look after the kids I am in shock and devastated. He needs to take them to soft play and you desperately need the space to process your grief. He can take leave op. He has to. You poor love, I am so sorry you are going through this.

It sounds to me that this is really about needing some time to grieve rather than how you entertain your kids during the summer holiday.

You have just lost your father and it must be very, very raw. Your DH needs to step up and take some time off work if needed so that you can have the time and space to process the loss of your father.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hi @Bookworm94 if you search my name I have a summer holiday support thread ongoing. Come and join us

Sorry for your loss. Do you have home start or similar near you, they send volunteers in to help families who are struggling for whatever reason . Think there needs to be a child under five though.

You're obviously not being unreasonable, as you're grieving. This is making it a difficult time in it's own right and you want to be there for your children.

Spending time with them on your own wouldn't be like this if you were in a better state of mind.

Keep looking after yourself and try to remember minor disappointments are not going to have a lasting effect on the children.

Please open up to a close friend that you are totally unsupported, they will assume dp will be with you. I would take time off if I knew my friends were in this position.

Can you stretch to any holiday club days at all? I know some people feel guilty about using it when they are not working but these are very special circumstances.

Im so sorry for your loss

It is definitely a difficult time, especially after your loss.
Could you make the trip to the soft play slightly easier on yourself by taking a taxi?

Please be gentle on yourself, you've just lost someone and it's very raw.

Summer holidays are just rubbish at the best of times, I'm counting down the days until they're over so I can't imagine how you're feeling.

That said your other half needs to pull his finger out, or plan it for him. In January when our leave year starts I say what I can cover then my hubby does a few more, overlapping my days for our holidays. My child love daddy days and I get to work and not have them around as they go out to an aircraft museum or something else utterly exciting.

You need a break so why can't soft play be on the weekend and dad takes them. Just book it and say that's what you need. Any partner would see that and if they don't then a conversation is needed.

Then next week ask him to take a day off as well as it's the last week of the holiday before school starts. Job done.

But please go easy on yourself, sending love xx

I would set a day to go to soft play when your partner is also available. The promise of it will take the pressure off, and if you make it right at the end it's something for her to look forward to as well. I would think of some nice things to do at home, and just be gentle with yourself. Some days I've got the kids out and done fun things, other days they have played in the garden and watched lots of TV. These holidays are really long and really hard on people who don't have a lot of support.

Why can’t your other half take holiday? Surely he’s not going to work every school holiday and leaving you to it?

Your DP is being an absolute shit making you feel guilty for not taking DC to soft play but not taking them himself. And when you've just lost a parent. He's got a job (as do you), that doesn't mean he shouldn't be supporting you. Worth a trip to the GP and counselling for you.

You need to share leave during the summer holidays. He takes a week, you take a week and you take a week together. It really makes a difference and keeps the energy levels up to cope with dc demands!

I am so sorry for your loss, I was knocked sideways when my mum died, and “staying strong for the kids” comes at a price.

Your dd is 7 and old enough to understand mummy is sad, unless she is not NT. So tell her you are feeling very sad as you miss your dad, and tell her that for a few weeks she needs to be patient and think about people other than herself.

Tell your DH to take holiday or parental leave and then you need to give yourself permission and space to grieve. Best wishes x

Why can’t DH take them on a weekend? Or, if he works weekends, then whatever day he has off?

Hi All,

Thanks so much for all your responses. It’s definitely bought me some comfort.

My other half already has annual leave booked for the two days either side of the upcoming bank holidays. It’s not enough really and I am the one who has them during the summer holidays and generally he only books time of it we are going on an actual holiday, he has two weeks of at Christmas, his whole company does (he works for a building firm) and he takes a week off around his birthday and the odd day off here and there and then that’s all of his annual leave used up apparently.

Hes not a bad bloke, his heart is in the right place but he’s definitely scared to ever piss off his boss. He took two days off after dad passed, I told him I wasn’t ready for him to go back and actually had a full blown panic attack but he was getting pressure from his boss and sometimes I can see how he feels like he’s getting it in all directions. I think men in general can be slaves to their jobs .

Also at the moment with how low I’m already feeling, I don’t have it in me for argument.

Hopefully the bank holiday he has off I will get a bit of time to grieve, I don’t think it’s really had chance to sink in yet, I just feel very empty.

Has your DP taken any annual leave this holiday? He really should be supporting you more. So he hates soft play, don't we all. He should take the DC out for the day so you can just sleep. I lost my dad 5 years ago and spent a week in bed (we were lucky the in-laws were already scheduled to do a week of holiday childcare at their place).

Have you got any friends who can help? People are usually understanding in these circumstances. Or can you team up with another family to take the pressure off? A few days in a holiday club would be really sensible this summer to give you some headspace.

I'm so sorry you aren't with a partner who is nurturing you through this difficult time. Do not feel guilty about saying no to the kids. It's your partner's fault they are missing out not yours.

Sounds really tough and generally YANBU. Solely with regard to the soft play issue I think you need to either go (it doesn’t sound that bad to get there) or be very clear with your DD that it’s just not happening this summer and explain why. Personally I think I’d at least try it- chances are it might be absolutely fine. From your DD’s perspective if she wants to go to a soft play any amount of walks etc isn’t going to cut it and I suspect she might just be a bit confused by the messaging.

If you are not ready to go back to work then go to the GP and get signed off with stress. I work for the NHS and get very little official bereavement so my manager suggested I got signed off. I had 4 weeks off. Only time in my life I have been signed off sick. I absolutely needed it. Don't hesitate to put yourself for now.

I am sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is brutal.