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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reactions to a distressed toddler

43 replies

mauvish · 21/08/2023 10:07

My little granddaughter (almost 2) had an inconsolable meltdown in public last week - I wouldn't call it a tantrum as she still wanted to be held and cuddled. So that's what I did; I sat on the wall outside a shop and cuddled her, rocked her, talked soothingly to her whilst she howled for about 15 mins before she calmed down enough for me to get the root of the problem for her.

I stayed calm throughout (I find that much easier now than I ever did when I was a harassed single mum!!)

Through this 15 minutes, 2 women stopped to check if granddaughter and I were OK. The first asked if there was anything she could do -- kind of her, but what on earth could a total stranger do in that situation? She looked as though she took the huff a bit when I said no, we're ok thanks. The second (pushing her own toddler in his buggy) made lots of soothing noises then offered the GD a chocolate bar! Again, kind of her but I was like, WTF? Chocolate? She's not allowed that at home and certainly not from strangers! (obv I didn't say that, I just politely declined).

The only time I can ever remember intervening in a toddler meltdown situation was when I saw a toddle wriggle out of his mums arms and into the path of a car. (I give sympathetic smiles a lot to harrassed parents though!)

So, AIBU to consider it slightly odd that two total strangers stopped to intervene in a situation which, although noisy, was clearly being dealt with? I am grateful to them both for their offers to help, don't get me wrong, and not knocking them at all, it takes a village etc etc; but I'm wondering if my reaction was the odd one? Would you have stopped and offered to help, and if so, how?

OP posts:

Hobnobswantshernameback · 21/08/2023 10:09

Dear god
how very dare people check if you're ok and offer to help
no doubt you'd be on here whinging about how self absorbed people are if no one had offered to help
what response did you want?

Original poster

mauvish · 21/08/2023 10:11

Hobnobswantshernameback · 21/08/2023 10:09

Dear god
how very dare people check if you're ok and offer to help
no doubt you'd be on here whinging about how self absorbed people are if no one had offered to help
what response did you want?

That is NOT what I said, if you read the post.

Here, I'll repeat it for you -
I am grateful to them both for their offers to help, don't get me wrong, and not knocking them at all, it takes a village etc etc; but I'm wondering if my reaction was the odd one?

OP posts:

Curtains70 · 21/08/2023 10:11

They were just trying to be nice. You say she was more upset than having a tantrum so they may have felt you needed help.

Mercurial123 · 21/08/2023 10:13

Yes, your reaction was the odd one. They were being kind, though realistically, there wasn't anything they could do.

funinthesun19 · 21/08/2023 10:14

I’d rather have those nice reactions than the horrible nasty ones. Imagine if someone came up to you and told you to shut the child up when you’re clearly trying. Think how annoying that would have been!

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 21/08/2023 10:16

I expected this to be about people judging your handling of the tantrum. They were offering kindness and you politely declined so there isn't really an issue here. I wouldn't overthink it.

funinthesun19 · 21/08/2023 10:16

clearly trying to soothe and calm her down, that should say.

Winterscomingagain · 21/08/2023 10:17

It's just an instinct to try and help, particularly because many of them will have experienced a similar situation.

mullyluo · 21/08/2023 10:17

Sounds like they were trying to be sympathetic and treat you kindly. How was the second lady to know your gd wasn't allowed chocolate, mine were allowed a small amount at that age.

DesTeeny · 21/08/2023 10:18

My DD is 2, if I saw someone with a child of a similar age, sitting on a wall as the child was sobbing, I'd ask if there was anything I could do to help too.

Can I get you anything? Can you reach your bag? Are you OK? Have you lost something that maybe we could look for (DD cried desperately in a shop because she'd lost her comforter and the look on her face when a little girl found it and brought it back to her was wonderful)? Does she need a bit of distraction? Is she hurt (usually have various plasters, calpol etc. in my bag as I work in a hospital so am always prepared!)?

I don't think I'm weird, I'd just hope someone would do the same for me if my DD was absolutely losing her shit and I was on my own. Nothing worse than really needing something and no one asking you if you need help.

Original poster

mauvish · 21/08/2023 10:18

OK, fair enough.

This never seemed to happen when my DD was little (and my goodness I could have done with some help on occasion!) but perhaps society has changed in this respect?

It's a change for the better, if so.

I shall raise my bar of what I expect from others!! lol

OP posts:

Applesandpears23 · 21/08/2023 10:22

I thought you were going to complain that no-one stopped to help. I have offered and received help in similar situations. I offer because one time for me the problem was my child was hurt and I was trying to work out when to move from comfort to taking steps to address the situation. The kindness and support of a complete stranger really helped. Several times I have asked Mums if they need help and they have accepted a tissue, a plaster or a bite spray all of which I had. It is really hard to tell if a distressed child has a physical or an emotional problem. I accept a stranger can’t help with an emotional problem but they often can with a physical one.

OnNaturesCourse · 21/08/2023 10:22

YANBU at all.

Smiles of "I understand" and nods, or a "can I help at all" are all fine. But offering chocolate etc is out of line.

People don't know children's dietary needs or behavioural needs.

DinoRoar14 · 21/08/2023 10:24

I despise idiots who offer sweets/ chocolate/ food infront of children when they are strangers.

It's happened to me and I've questioned why they are such fucking morons.

Similar happened to me. DD having a pretty decent tantrum. I'm waiting it out. Everyone is safe and some idiot pops up aski g if she'd like a chocolate bar.
Of course the bat signal was raised because what 3 yo doesn't want a chocolate bar.

The tantrum that absolute wanker was trying to save me from got a million times worse when I had to say no because she's allergic to dairy.

Kids can die from food! This has been public knowledge now for long enough that the "they're just trying to be nice" bs no longer applies.

Also what happened to stranger danger?

YANBU. Honestly people just like to insert themselves where their not wanted.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 21/08/2023 10:24

This has surprised me that it's confused you, they're offering practical help but what they're really doing is reaching out to you. They're trying to be your village, not your granddaughters. A lot of mums to young kids these days seem to be extra friendly and willing to muck in/help out. I wonder if it's a response to the pandemic where we all completely lost our village and felt so lonely.

As you said you're finding staying calm during the tantrums easier with your granddaughter than your own kids. Tantrums can be flipping tough. I think it's lovely that they stopped to check in with you.

Curtains70 · 21/08/2023 10:25

DinoRoar14 · 21/08/2023 10:24

I despise idiots who offer sweets/ chocolate/ food infront of children when they are strangers.

It's happened to me and I've questioned why they are such fucking morons.

The tantrum that absolute wanker was trying to save me from got a million times worse when I had to say no because she's allergic to dairy.

Kids can die from food! This has been public knowledge now for long enough that the "they're just trying to be nice" bs no longer applies.

Also what happened to stranger danger?

YANBU. Honestly people just like to insert themselves where their not wanted.

Delightful

Heronwatcher · 21/08/2023 10:27

They were just trying to help. Not surprised if she was howling for a full 15 minutes. You know your own child and what they need but I think it’s more common for kids to maybe howl for a couple of minutes and then stop and calm down so maybe it’s because the howling seems to have gone on for quite a while? I’d not offer food without checking with the parent though.

5128gap · 21/08/2023 10:27

No I think more people should politely check it out when children are in distress. You presumably don't look like her mother, so I can understand people may have wondered if all were well. Offering food to someone else's child is obviously not the right thing to do.

WomanAtWork · 21/08/2023 10:30

Perhaps they thought she was injured. A man mending a hole in the road came over once, with a First Aid kit when my little dd fell off her scooter in some gravel, she was so panicked by the blood I couldn’t soothe her hysterical shrieks. I will forever be grateful to that random man, for stopping his work to help me, after 4 pedestrians walked by.

Random acts of kindness, it’s a beautiful thing and sad that we are suspicious or surprised.

OnNaturesCourse · 21/08/2023 10:31

DinoRoar14 · 21/08/2023 10:24

I despise idiots who offer sweets/ chocolate/ food infront of children when they are strangers.

It's happened to me and I've questioned why they are such fucking morons.

The tantrum that absolute wanker was trying to save me from got a million times worse when I had to say no because she's allergic to dairy.

Kids can die from food! This has been public knowledge now for long enough that the "they're just trying to be nice" bs no longer applies.

Also what happened to stranger danger?

YANBU. Honestly people just like to insert themselves where their not wanted.

@DinoRoar14 This!!! I'm glad it not just me. My LO is intolerant too but will never say no to a sweet or treat. All it does it turn the parent into a bigger bad guy in the child's eyes at that moment in time.

DinoRoar14 · 21/08/2023 10:34

I've got THREE! Three kids who can't have dairy and the amount of idiots who try to give food to other peoples kids is just mind blowing. I find the best way Is to go full savage. Make it so that thought of offering a strangers child food again induces terror so they never do it again.

FigAndOlive · 21/08/2023 10:34

I'm with you, OP. Once I was in a flight and baby/youngish toddler was having a complete meltdown because of massive overtiredness, she needed a nap but is one of those that are used to nap in a cot, in the dark, white noise, etc, so was having a terrible time trying to switch off amongst hundreds of people light etc, doesn't take a dummy and was not BF anymore so not a lot left for me to do other than cuddle and wait for her to pass out, unfortunately. A lady came out of nowhere offering help, telling me it was the same with her kids when they were younger, telling me to make her suck something because it was definitely her ears popping, etc... She was being nice, don't get me wrong but it I had to try and mantain a conversation while holding an angry baby shouting from top of lungs, and I was already so self-conscious because of course the whole plane could see/hear the episode. Random people will not help in any way with advice/comfort/encouraging words so please back off and let mom/granny deal with it, if anything please pretend you're not even noticing the ball of raging fire I am trying to comfort LOL

Original poster

mauvish · 21/08/2023 10:38

You presumably don't look like her mother,

Actually (brag alert unrelated to thread) I do get taken for her mum at times! And my DD (mid 30s) still occasionally gets IDd. Child brides, the lot of us 😉

OP posts:

Pencilsaremylife · 21/08/2023 10:38

Just last week I walked past a mum whose about 2ish child was screaming and star fishing when she was trying to get them back into their buggy at the park. I stopped said hello to the wee one said how lovely their rabbit toy was, child was then distracted so mum was able to get them strapped in. Mum said thanks, I said my youngest granddaughter was exactly the same we chatted for a couple of mins then both moved on with our days. I would never offer chocolate though.

Sprogonthetyne · 21/08/2023 10:39

While those offers weren't helpful to you, they could have been just what you needed. One of mine doesn't seem to feel hungry, and sometimes refuses food for hours then is suddenly inconsolable with hunger, but still to upstairs to actually eat. In these situations a couple of bites of anything, even chocolate is a life saver, and means they care down enough to get some proper food in. If person 2's child is similar, to her that would have seemed like a very useful thing to offer.

Person 1 gave a more generic offer, and there could well have been something that would have helped. Eg. If you had a snack or toy in your bag, but couldn't risk letting go of child while you found it for them or if the child's mum was in a near by shop they could go fetch them. I know non of these applied, but they didn't know the situation and it's generally better to offer help when it's not needed then to not offer help that is.

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