Reactions to a distressed toddler

[mauvish]

My little granddaughter (almost 2) had an inconsolable meltdown in public last week - I wouldn't call it a tantrum as she still wanted to be held and cuddled. So that's what I did; I sat on the wall outside a shop and cuddled her, rocked her, talked soothingly to her whilst she howled for about 15 mins before she calmed down enough for me to get the root of the problem for her.

I stayed calm throughout (I find that much easier now than I ever did when I was a harassed single mum!!)

Through this 15 minutes, 2 women stopped to check if granddaughter and I were OK. The first asked if there was anything she could do -- kind of her, but what on earth could a total stranger do in that situation? She looked as though she took the huff a bit when I said no, we're ok thanks. The second (pushing her own toddler in his buggy) made lots of soothing noises then offered the GD a chocolate bar! Again, kind of her but I was like, WTF? Chocolate? She's not allowed that at home and certainly not from strangers! (obv I didn't say that, I just politely declined).

The only time I can ever remember intervening in a toddler meltdown situation was when I saw a toddle wriggle out of his mums arms and into the path of a car. (I give sympathetic smiles a lot to harrassed parents though!)

So, AIBU to consider it slightly odd that two total strangers stopped to intervene in a situation which, although noisy, was clearly being dealt with? I am grateful to them both for their offers to help, don't get me wrong, and not knocking them at all, it takes a village etc etc; but I'm wondering if my reaction was the odd one? Would you have stopped and offered to help, and if so, how?

I find the best way Is to go full savage. Make it so that thought of offering a strangers child food again induces terror so they never do it again.

You sound lovely, surely a “no thanks” does the trick. I’d not offer an upset child a sweet but might ask mum if a snack might help - for mine the distraction of unwrapping a biscuit or some such was enough to bring them out of the tears. It was the distraction that helped so it might be a fidget toy, a soft toy or a biscuit depending on what I had in my bag and could reach. If someone offered something my child couldn’t have I’d simply thank them for their kindness and say no. My child is already losing their shit, not getting a piece of chocolate won’t change that.

I would always appreciate someone’s kindness when my kids were struggling even if that particular thing didn’t help in the moment, and would offer to help another mum if her child was distressed for more than a few minutes. I’ve been there with monumental tears and flashbacks in my adopted kids, it’s often hard for mum and child - a kind look and an offer of help would help keep me calm and grounded which in turn helped my kids.

Well you sound absolutely delightful I must say 🙄
And I say that as someone whose child has life-threatening food allergies too. Most people don't, and that offer, kindly meant, could have helped in other situations. They offered the food to you, in an effort to help out in a difficult situation, not to a child on their own. That's a big difference in food allergy circles.
Okay, so it didn't help, but no need to be quite so obnoxious about it.

The checking in seemed kind, the offer of chocolate unhelpful.

They were only trying to help. I think your reaction outwardly, politely declining was fine but to be so worked up about it afterwards is a bit odd. Even though I do see why offering kids chocolates might be overstepping for some. I did have a lady give my daughter a lolly once when she'd fallen and hurt herself. She'd also helped us out with some wipes and plasters as I didn't have any but I'm sure she asked me first "can I give her a lolly".

I've had older women 'tut' and shake their head at me while my dd has had meltdowns

I would much rather people offer me help and support than that

Your last sentence is really sad - that is why society is deteriorating.

If I saw that scenario and had a chocolate bar I would have offered it (not all parents ban this at home you know )

I would also have stopped incase child was injured and you were in need of a plaster etc which I often carry

I would also stop to offer kindness to a parent who may have an autistic child etc as I remember kindness from strangers when my daughter had public meltdowns and I was acting like you , all calm and in control of the situation , but inside I was stressed heartbroken and afraid and a few kind , helpful words from a passer-by ment so much to me

Maybe You seem to take the help as a bit if an insult? , like they were insinuating you were not coping well?

You are the odd one here
I will always offer help or just a smile to a person having a difficult moment

Sometimes a stranger coming over to me distracted my child so they stopped crying, i could have kissed the stranger

A few weeks ago, I was locking up my bike and watching a young Mum dealing with her daughter in very much the same way. To make it worse for her, it was very busy, market day. Whilst I was watching, two stall holders gave the little girl small gifts, a lollipop and a small toy. She held them, but continued to scream. Her mother sat there calmly, just holding her and occasionally speaking calmly to her. As I walked past, I said "You're doing a great job". She said "It isn't easy being two, is it?" I was full of admiration for her.

15 minute hysterical meltdown isn't really normal behaviour so I think they were probably wondering if she was OK. Maybe thought she'd lost a favourite toy or fallen and really hurt herself or maybe was even lost herself.

I'd stop to offer a plaster to an injured child or help check the path for a dropped Teddy or whatever. And sometimes being spoken to by a stranger can snap them out of it.

An elderly lady in a queue once turned to my tantrumming child and said Goodness gracious, whatever is the matter? Child instantly stopped, thought about it for a second and replied sheepishly that he didn't remember.

OMG not a fucking chocolate bar. The absolute nerve of some people.

No not an odd one, just caring.

You're being ridiculous

Lucky you, when my daughter was having a melt down a man told her she needs to shut up or the police would be called! What happened to you sounds like they was just being nice.

I have stopped to check people are ok when their children are distressed and if there’s anything I can do to help. In appropriate circumstances. It’s more a show of solidarity than anything

Offering chocolate was definitely unwise, but the first person did just the right thing. You said it wasn't tantrum - so they will have seen an upset child. She didn't intervene, just asked if you needed anything. It's unlikely that there was anything she could do, but just suppose that all you needed was a plaster or a tissue...

This

I think many of us who have been in that situation can remember how tough it can be and while yes, realistically thrtr isn't much they can actually do, often people just want to show some compassion and solidarity really.

Try to see that they mean well

Sorry OP just read your update