to be annoyed at my husband (but also sympathetic to his troubles)

[brokensignal]

My husband is driving me mad because he acts like every little task is some major effort. We split the work of doing bills and household admin pretty equally. I do almost all the cooking and housework and he does the garden which is small.

He needs to pay the factors bill for landscaping, you get 14 days to pay, the account is in his name but getting him to just do it is like pulling teeth, it would take 5 minutes to do and then we could file the paperwork away but he will leave it till the last minute because he just wants to relax and not deal with it right now.

He has to write and deliver a card to his aunt for her birthday which is already past. I bought the card and again it is left lying out for ages because it is too much hassle for him to write it out and take it round to her (she lives just a couple of streets away from us and would be happy with a 5 minute chat). I end up having to prompt him repeatedly to do things like this or pay bills, contact the bank, solicitors and so on and in the end I just end up feeling like a nag.

Our house is quite small, it doesn't get really messy but even a little mess looks worse in a small space. I do the housework and the tidying but there are times like very busy weeks where I am not home much or ill where the house gets messy, he then will make a comment about the house needing sorting, which I do (I hate a messy home to) but then he'll get home and just leave his shoes and back in the porch like a school boy, dump his wallet, works pass, keys, phone, watch etc all over various surfaces, opens his mail and leave it lying out and would do for days basically he just doesn't do anything to help maintain the basic tidiness of the home. If I ask him to put his shoes and bag away he moans "But I'm just in and need to relax". He has various drawers downstairs and in the bedroom where his stuff lives and for his post but if I put his stuff away into its designated home next thing he will be moaning that he can't find anything if he looks for something and it doesn't jump right up in his face it isn't there even if it is and I find it in a second.

If he has a job to do in the house say cooking breakfast or doing the garden he still seems to need my assistance most of the time, i.e. to get the cups ready for tea, to hold open the roll while he puts the bacon in them, to fetch and hand him the things he needs. While if I have a job I just have to get on with it myself which I do!

His job is more stressful than mine so I do try to cut him some slack and make it easier for him but he won't look for a new job ( we can afford for him to take a pay cut) with less stress. He does have some issue with his health but he won't go to the doctor, it takes so much prodding and pushing to get him to go. His GP used to let patients spouses make appointments for them but now they say it has to be the patient themselves who call so it is even harder to get him to go now. He does have elderly parents who require more support now and that is fine but sometimes they are getting him round to do jobs just to see him which I totally get but it is an extra strain on him and one he feels he can't say no to, and once you are there his mum really hates to see any visitor go. However he also has brothers and sisters who are either often there or could do a bit more but it is up to him to discuss all this with his siblings and to have some boundaries with his parents if he feels it is too much for him.

He won't make a decision about what to watch, where to go, what to eat so I end up choosing and then if he doesn't like it he complains. I got a big bonus at work this year and wanted to take us on holiday but he kept putting me off and now it will be next year as he just wouldn't commit to anything. He wants to just lie on the sofa after work and at the weekend which I get but at least we could watch something interesting but he seems to just want to watch reruns of old comedy stuff and sport. He spends a lot more time watching TV than I do so he can watch this stuff is he wants when I am not there and I never complain about him watching sporting events that are very important to him.

I just feel so fed up with it at times like he is just sleepwalking though life and I am little more than his keeper as he doesn't show me much affection these days although I try to show it to him. Other times I do feel for him because his job is crap and stressful but only he can make a decision about that. I do love him, we still have a laugh but life also feels very flat these days. Things are worse since he got promoted at work a couple of years ago.

None of this is ruining out marriage, yet but I feel like it is the long term failure to resolve such issues that does end up ruining marriages and lives. We are getting older and I've had relatives die in their 40's and 50's and that slipping into middle aged apathy isn't a given and that we could still be enjoying our lives together.

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at him for all the above and for thinking this is a problem that needs fixing?

What on earth would happen if you were seriously ill for a week/weeks/months? You certainly wouldn't be getting any care from him, and your house would be falling to wrack and ruin around you as well 😟

This is all so very one sided, it's awful to read. And you are so defensive of his stressful job 🫤 You seem to have a lot more in your plate with your job/managing your home/him/holding open those baps ...

@Pucksandwich Sadly not really, I'd love a cuddle or even a playful smack on the bum but he never does anymore and he never thanks me unless I prompt him which is no thanks at all. I do think he shows love in other ways so he'll give me a lift, or he was there for me when we had a horrible family emergency a few years ago and he supported me without question which was good. But day to day he doesn't really thank me or show affection which makes me feel hideous.

I love this response. Do this!!

After reading through this thread, I've voted YABU as you have indulged your DH over the years and now complain about his behaviour, the behaviour you have accepted/facilitated..

Then when others tell you to leave him if you are unhappy, you are saying no, he's stressed, he has a hard job ( because he told you so), he has a health issue.

You are stressed with it all, you have a hard job (living with him) and soon you will be ill yourself if you don't read him the riot act, or give him the boot when he doesn't change.

He will give you a lift?

Are you serious?

He sounds worse with every update 😟

@squarecircled Well responding to these posts does make me realise that he is probably very duty bound, to his job, to his family perhaps to me in an emergency. Although when I am sick I don't get much care from him, I had a really awful gynaecological procedure done a few years ago, which was quick frankly very painful and traumatising when I got home from the hospital I just managed to crawl upstairs and into bed. My husband who had been working downstairs while I was at the hospital came up and got into bed beside me saying he was unwell and needed to sleep so he took the afternoon off. That was a perfect chance for him to look after me a bit get me a hot water bottle and a cup of tea but instead he developed his own sudden illness where I had to look after him. Come to think of it he feels ill every time i get sick.

I hope so to! Make sure you start looking after you as a priority! It is easy to sacrifice your own well being looking out for the person you love!

This was his simple solution, and when I pointed out the other obvious stressers in his life he looked like I had just reveled the secret of life...he is going to therapy now, but I'm not sure if it is too little too late

I hope you get a happy ending 🙏

I'm flabbergasted at this. So, not only did he not pick you up from the hospital, but he expected you to be invested in his 'sudden illness' instead of of him doing everything for you after you had a medical/surgical procedure!

Please start making arrangements to leave him. You deserve so much better, and you are beginning to realise it which is better late than never.

Why do you keep bringing him lunch and snacks then?

This is degrading.

@Slowandwobbly He did drop me off at the hospital but I had to walk home, I wouldn't have been fit to drive and was in a daze really after it. I just think he has no idea. Perhaps him feeling ill was his way of being empathic. I often feel like he as no idea about his own feelings and needs me to help him work out what he feels and why.

I don't know if I will leave him but i am certainly getting a lot of things out in the open I have never told anyone before.

@SunRainStorm I know I tell him it makes me feel worthless and he says thanks but he thinks its false to always have to say it.

I know you're still determined to see the best in him, but his lack of care for you is utterly shocking. Feeling "ill" as soon as you got yourself home from hospital? And then you "had to look after him"? Why?

Worst of all is when I take him lunch or a snack in the living room and he just takes it off me, no thanks and not even looking at me his eyes fixed on the TV.

This is just awful. I would never take him a snack again. He’s not even treating you as a human. And he thinks that your parents’ normal, decent politeness is performative - that says a lot about him. I wonder whether he’s that rude to people at work, or manages to be polite to everyone but his wife.

None of this is down to the stress of his Big Important Job. Please don’t make excuses for him. He’s simply disrespectful to you and treats you like a servant. Job stress does not render a person incapable of saying thank you or filling a bap unassisted. It really doesn’t. Tiredness and stress from work simply doesn’t leave you with so little left that you can’t do everyday simple things without The Wife standing by to jump in and assist. I and many other people have tiring stressful jobs. None of us behave like this.

Look in the mirror and say out loud: "I am an unpaid skivvy to a man who despises me."

We split the work of doing bills and household admin pretty equally.

Do you really mean this or do you mean that the allocation of responsibility for tasks is split evenly between you and then he steals your time by making you help him to get his stuff done?

Ugh.

And....

He probably is a bit depressed due to the stress he is under

Yeah. Right.

Are you really prepared to let him keep stealing your time in the way? What is his attraction for you? How does he get away with this?

Thanks everyone I have so much to think about really and my head is splitting now too. I just need to go to bed and hopefully have a clearer head tomorrow. I do appreciate you all letting me get this all out in the open and for all your feedback. I know I make excuses for him and I keep hoping he will change, I am not perfect either of course. I have a lot of thinking to do.

That is so sad to read, he is just not acting as your partner is he? You aren't a team supporting each other, you aren't in this together at all 😟 He seems to offer a bare minimum of support/help.

You wouldn't treat him like this if your positions were reversed, would you? You should not have to put up with this, I'm sorry.

Moving out for a month-ish might be the shock he needs to appreciate you. Then again, you wouldn't need that shock to learn to appreciate someone would you? So why would you want someone who does need to think about how he treats the person who is supposedly his favourite person? You might want that month to be a trial separation and consult a solicitor ...

If it weren’t for the job being wrong, I’d think you were married to a former colleague and friend of mine. Lovely man and good friend, but an absolutely disastrous spouse for exactly the reasons you mention — the slightest thing is a huge deal, generally disorganised, the smallest task takes on huge weight, continually exhausted, preoccupied and stressed, lives in squalor if someone else doesn’t pick up after him, high BP.

The thing is, OP, once I got to know his wife slightly, I realised he had given her to understand that his job involved working crazy hours, and often going in at weekends. It didn’t. I did exactly the same job working 9 to 5, two days WFH, with minimal childcare, running an household, and with a DH who travelled a lot. He just didn’t work efficiently, was terribly disorganised, and his office was a complete mess. People dreaded it when he took over as HoD.

His wife got tired of it, they did marriage counselling, and she eventually divorced him. I now live in a different country and have no contact with her, but reading between the lines in my contact with him, her life is way easier and better. He is supposed to have the children 50/50, but finds it ‘too stressful’, and they’re not keen on his mess.

He's controlling you. Every time he doesn't do something you have both agreed to, every time he expects you to participate in the stuff he's doing, every time your need something and he says, well what about me. He is making sure all your energy is directed towards him meaning you have no time for yourself. This is incredibly manipulative.

@squarecircled I think that deep down I worry that if I moved out he just wouldn't care but perhaps it would be a big shock to him. I do think he just takes me for granted and its in my nature to be too forgiving (a doormat, perhaps) I think I might need therapy.

Stop wiping his arse then. It's up to you.

The friend I described in my last post was shocked into reform for a bit when his wife divorced him, but it didn’t last. He’s now in about a year into a cohabiting relationship — again was on his best behaviour for a while, but from what I gather is slipping back into his old ways.

"His actions are screaming that he doesn't care much about you.
Why do you want to stay with him?"

This. I'm really sorry OP. He's not going to change because he's a very self-absorbed person and he doesn't care enough about your feelings or needs to do so. You on the other hand sound like a lovely, thoughtful partner. Best of luck for the future.

I'm so sorry OP. I think he just doesn't like you. He sounds beyond insufferable

I think it would really help to see a therapist, to understand how things have got to this point. And probably good to do that on your own to get some clarity before seeing if you want to suggest having counselling as a couple.
And just going away for a break with a friend might give you a bit of headspace. Maybe that's what you need right now. But seeing how it feels to carry on with the rest of your everyday life but not in the house with him is a really different thing and might tell you a lot more about how you feel about him.
But do get some rest and take care of yourself, all of this is a lot to think about x