to be annoyed at my husband (but also sympathetic to his troubles)

[brokensignal]

My husband is driving me mad because he acts like every little task is some major effort. We split the work of doing bills and household admin pretty equally. I do almost all the cooking and housework and he does the garden which is small.

He needs to pay the factors bill for landscaping, you get 14 days to pay, the account is in his name but getting him to just do it is like pulling teeth, it would take 5 minutes to do and then we could file the paperwork away but he will leave it till the last minute because he just wants to relax and not deal with it right now.

He has to write and deliver a card to his aunt for her birthday which is already past. I bought the card and again it is left lying out for ages because it is too much hassle for him to write it out and take it round to her (she lives just a couple of streets away from us and would be happy with a 5 minute chat). I end up having to prompt him repeatedly to do things like this or pay bills, contact the bank, solicitors and so on and in the end I just end up feeling like a nag.

Our house is quite small, it doesn't get really messy but even a little mess looks worse in a small space. I do the housework and the tidying but there are times like very busy weeks where I am not home much or ill where the house gets messy, he then will make a comment about the house needing sorting, which I do (I hate a messy home to) but then he'll get home and just leave his shoes and back in the porch like a school boy, dump his wallet, works pass, keys, phone, watch etc all over various surfaces, opens his mail and leave it lying out and would do for days basically he just doesn't do anything to help maintain the basic tidiness of the home. If I ask him to put his shoes and bag away he moans "But I'm just in and need to relax". He has various drawers downstairs and in the bedroom where his stuff lives and for his post but if I put his stuff away into its designated home next thing he will be moaning that he can't find anything if he looks for something and it doesn't jump right up in his face it isn't there even if it is and I find it in a second.

If he has a job to do in the house say cooking breakfast or doing the garden he still seems to need my assistance most of the time, i.e. to get the cups ready for tea, to hold open the roll while he puts the bacon in them, to fetch and hand him the things he needs. While if I have a job I just have to get on with it myself which I do!

His job is more stressful than mine so I do try to cut him some slack and make it easier for him but he won't look for a new job ( we can afford for him to take a pay cut) with less stress. He does have some issue with his health but he won't go to the doctor, it takes so much prodding and pushing to get him to go. His GP used to let patients spouses make appointments for them but now they say it has to be the patient themselves who call so it is even harder to get him to go now. He does have elderly parents who require more support now and that is fine but sometimes they are getting him round to do jobs just to see him which I totally get but it is an extra strain on him and one he feels he can't say no to, and once you are there his mum really hates to see any visitor go. However he also has brothers and sisters who are either often there or could do a bit more but it is up to him to discuss all this with his siblings and to have some boundaries with his parents if he feels it is too much for him.

He won't make a decision about what to watch, where to go, what to eat so I end up choosing and then if he doesn't like it he complains. I got a big bonus at work this year and wanted to take us on holiday but he kept putting me off and now it will be next year as he just wouldn't commit to anything. He wants to just lie on the sofa after work and at the weekend which I get but at least we could watch something interesting but he seems to just want to watch reruns of old comedy stuff and sport. He spends a lot more time watching TV than I do so he can watch this stuff is he wants when I am not there and I never complain about him watching sporting events that are very important to him.

I just feel so fed up with it at times like he is just sleepwalking though life and I am little more than his keeper as he doesn't show me much affection these days although I try to show it to him. Other times I do feel for him because his job is crap and stressful but only he can make a decision about that. I do love him, we still have a laugh but life also feels very flat these days. Things are worse since he got promoted at work a couple of years ago.

None of this is ruining out marriage, yet but I feel like it is the long term failure to resolve such issues that does end up ruining marriages and lives. We are getting older and I've had relatives die in their 40's and 50's and that slipping into middle aged apathy isn't a given and that we could still be enjoying our lives together.

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at him for all the above and for thinking this is a problem that needs fixing?

He's a moody 14 year old. Couldn't be having sex with that.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune He is 45.

I don't want to leave him I just want things to be a bit better.

@Wallywobbles He doesn't seem to care much about sex either these days due to stress. He rarely shows me much affection these days maybe a cuddle in the morning sometimes. He used to touch me a lot but never does now it makes me feel pretty shit.

He devalues the efforts you go to in order to create a pleasant, clean, orderly environment.

He doesn't think your job is as important as his.

He doesn't even show you affection or offer intimacy.

His actions are screaming that he doesn't care much about you.

Why do you want to stay with him?

Arranging insurance is a once-a-year job, bills are paid by direct debit... doesn't sound like he is even trying to pull his weight. He's a lazy skiver who needs a boot up the bum.

Hé sounds like he is sleepwalking through life op. It’s really hard and unfair on you.

Best case scenario; he is severely depressed or physically ill and needs to visit the gp and put some treatment in place. Unfortunately, you can’t drag a grown man to the doc and force him to take care of himself if he doesn’t want to do it.

Worse case scenario, he is lazy and has got too comfortable and he doesn’t have to make an effort because you are doing it all! The comments about the house being messy when he causes a lot of the mess and does virtually nothing to help are totally out of order.

I think in your shoes I would be having a serious talk to him and setting a deadline and state that you will be considering leaving if you don’t see serious change by Christmas either with treatment or his level of energy and commitment.

There is absolutely no point in chasing his compliance or affection or involvement in cards for his relations or whatever. He’s a grown man. Severe depression or physical illness aside… if he wanted to do it … he would!

Sorry I have just seen you don’t want to leave your dh op which is fair enough, but won’t the resentment build up on your part and get worse?

It sounds an exhausting way to live and eventually will kill any marriage. If much of this is a result of the stress, depression and health issues that you mentioned then he needs support to try and deal with it. But that support should mean him actively doing something to deal with the situation. It's not fair that you should live like this and indefinitely.

If he will not go the doctor and take steps to change/improve things then you have some decisions to make. I guess it would also depend if he has he always been like this or has it significantly changed recently? Something needs to change significantly though.

This. I've just divorced one of these. Life is suddenly far easier and the house tidier.

I am not sure this is going to be helpful but, I have read your posts and I could have written them myself.

Trying to be supportive not cause him extra stress , fitting in to his needs /wants.. And getting nothing back! And I felt like I was just running on empty! No appreciation, no consideration, no care from him, I put it down to mental health. If we can just get him through this then... For the last 3 years!!!

Last week DP of 12 years decided he wasn't happy and ended the relationship.... No conversations before, no response over the past 3 yrs to my suggestions to improve things, no knowledgement that there was a problem, or when I explain how actions made me feel. There are various reasons my DP wasn't happy Job a big one elderly parents I'll health etc.... He decided the easiest thing to change was to end the relationship.

Sounds to me like he has checked out completely and no amount of pushing will make him try unless he wants to!

Given my experience if I were you I would be making sure I was prepared for the worst..... Obviously you love him so you are still going to try but plan for the worst and you won't be disappointed ❤️

For goodness sake OP, no one would be happy living like this! Tell the lazy lump to pull his finger out and either pull his weight, or prove that there is something physical stopping him, by going to see the doctor and getting himself checked out. If he's not prepared to do either, why on earth would you want to waste your life with someone who doesn't even appreciate you cooking them a meal? When people say 'life is too short', they mean it OP. Before you know it, you will have drifted into middle age with this useless lump of misery. Is that what you want? If so, then why bother posting, I wish you every joy of being an unappreciated servant for the rest of your days!

Time for a serious chat I would say.

Oh and stop holding the rolls for the bacon and following up behind him doing the washing up and tell him he’s a big boy you are sure he can do these things properly on his own!

he still seems to need my assistance most of the time, i.e. to get the cups ready for tea, to hold open the roll while he puts the bacon in them, to fetch and hand him the things he needs

Nobody, absolutely nobody, needs someone else to hold open the roll while they put the bacon in. This is absolutely pathetic. What happens if you say "No Cedric, you are perfectly capable of putting bacon in a roll like anyone else"? And then ignore the huffing, flapping and deliberately incompetent performance that ensues.

I could not tolerate living with someone like this and knowing that they'd expect me to "look after" them as we both get older, when they're perfectly able bodied and capable.

I really want to know what these " stressful" jobs are ?

OP as I read each of your updates I've just been getting more and more annoyed.

You're in the role of his Mother now. I don't believe it will get any better.

Sounds like my partner and it’s a bloody nightmare but he has adhd and he genuinely doesn’t retain the info in his working memory. It’s in and out again. It pisses me off when he is literally looking at eg his sisters Xmas present every day (I leave it in full view) and by June upon my prompting we just give it to her when she visits from abroad. I can’t say I understand it but it really upsets my partner when he’s forgotten something yet again.

we just agree admin isn’t his thing and I do that and he does the majority do cooking and cleaning which isn’t my thing.

That is one depressing read.

It's the type of thread that often draws a few comments from poster's that are reminded why they love being single.

He sounds beyond helpless and tedious.

I would consider leaving for a short time, having written down some of what you've shared here for him to explain why you're leaving and for him to reflect on while you're gone.

I think something written is better because if you try to talk to him, he can argue back. If you try staying in the house but not doing the things he's used to you doing, it sounds like he will make your life miserable, with sulking, etc. I wouldn't want to do this in your shoes.

Instead I suggest you go away for a couple of weeks at least, making it clear that you need to see significant change if the relationship is going to work, and leaving him with a proper explanation for your departure. This means he can think about whether or not he's willing to see things from your perspective and if he's prepared to change. And you can see how you feel without him too, which is equally important.

I know lots of people couldn't afford to do this, if it means staying locally in a b and b in order to carry on doing your job and usual routine, but it sounds from your post like the finances wouldn't be a barrier to this.

If he does realise that he needs to change and wants you to come back, there's a book a friend shared with me called 'Fair play' which I would recommend as a way to fairly divide up tasks and regularly check in on how well that's going. But I think this is about how much he makes you feel loved and valued, more than about who does what jobs. The willingness to compromise and negotiate about who does what is just part of the respect and love you deserve.

If either of you feels after some time apart that the relationship can't be improved then that's also an answer.

You sound like a very caring, thoughtful person and you deserve this kind of care from the person you are with. It's hard to remember that when someone isn't treating you well. I wouldn't write off the relationship yet though as it sounds like he used to be kinder and more appreciative and so I'd give him a chance to see if he's willing to change.

@Anon1231990 So sorry to read that, its heart breaking when you have tried so hard to make things work. That is my fear too that he will suddenly decide things are bad because of me and think leaving is the solution. I do have some savings in my own name if the worst should happen but I hope that doesn't happen.

@Thefamilywaster My DH definitely isn't adhd if anything I am more that way inclined but I have lots of coping strategies to help me remember things and I like to deal with things as they come up. I think it is fine to divide certain tasks between you as you see fit as every couple is different but I just feel like i do it all and he just does his job.

@Superwomble That is a good suggestion for me to take a break and leave him to his own devices for a bit. I do have the money so that I could go off on holiday or to see a friend on my own.

I think something must have come to a head over this weekend as when he came in tonight he did put all his things away and was more helpful than usual so perhaps he was thinking about it today while at work. We both have some time off coming up in the next week or so and I will try and book a wee break and hopefully we can talk away from the home. I will get that book you mention also.

@itsmylife7 It is a stressful job, he's leading a big team on a project costing literally millions if pounds of government money. His job is well paid but not well enough to endure the kind of crap he has to deal with. I think some personality types might be able to cope better with the stress and just not care that much but he does let it get to him and worries about it all too much.

stuff le leaves lying around? dump it all in a box.
Dirty shoes in the hall, dump them in the porch or outside
He's in charge of dinner but can't fill a roll? you are busy and can't hear him or help...

but you need to decide if this is how you want your ife to be?

@theresastormcoming The bacon roll thing is quite bad, recently I was making burgers for dinner and he happened to come into the kitchen as I was dishing up and did come over to assist me in "holding" the roll open but I deftly popped the burgers onto the rolls myself, no assistance needed and there was a slight sense of disbelief from him either that or he felt totally emasculated!

It sounds like you do all the looking after. Do you feel cared for by him? Your posts read like he doesn’t really see you as a full human being with your own thoughts and priorities. Does ever he do anything nice for you? Show affection? Express gratitude for your help?