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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving near to DH's parents

32 replies

letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 08:57

Hi all - previous lurker but first time posting!
Not sure if I am cutting my nose off to spite my face with this one. DH and I have lived in the UK for ~4 years, but since having our DC we've always intended to move 'back' to his home country. This move is pushed more by him than by me, however I do see the advantages, mainly for our DC.
When discussing it previously, we've always spoken of moving to an area that is probably around a 5-6 hour drive from where he is originally from. Where we live in the UK now is also around 5-6 hour drive from where I am originally from, this is the closest we've lived to my family in the time we've lived in the UK.
I think it is relevant to say that he said a few years ago that it wasn't fair to live overly close to either family. I wanted to live closer to mine while we were in the UK, knowing we'd eventually move away and not have that chance again. That didn't work out.
Yesterday, he says he's been approached about a job which is approx. 1.5 hours from where his family live. The job sounds pretty ideal, less hours and more of a work/life balance than we currently have now. The area is okay but not as nice as the one we had spoken about previously.
I can't help but feel a bit upset, as it feels like yet again he's getting his own way with where we live and I just have to suck it up. His argument is that he's not in contact with his parents at the moment (ongoing issues over the years, ultimately leading to NC this year) but I think this could change in the future. While 1.5 hours away isn't right next door, it's near enough for weekend trips etc, and it was he who originally said the statement about not living close to either family for fairness. There is an airport nearby with flights from the UK airport my family would use/I would use to travel to see them, so it's not like I'd be totally cut off.
I absolutely do understand this is not yet set in stone, but should I be a bit more open to this idea?
AIBU not to consider moving to the area near where his family live?

OP posts:
OriginalBin · 21/08/2023 09:03

I wouldn’t call 1.5 hours drive ‘close’, particularly — I thought you were going to say ‘in the next village’ or ‘two suburbs over’. For me, the bigger question is whether you actually want to go and live in his home country at all. It doesn’t sound to me as if you do.

Daffodilsandbees · 21/08/2023 09:04

Just because you can’t be close to both families doesn’t mean you can’t live close to one!! You’re denying yourselves and one family the happiness and convenience of being close by. Yes it’s not ‘fair’ that you have to choose one side but being so far away from both doesn’t give you the benefit of being close to either. Personally I would live within 1 hour of one side of the family to make day to day interactions possible. Childcare requests (if relevant in the future) will be a helluva lot easier if you’re within one hour (ideally less).

Why move to be nearer his family if you’re NC with his parents - presumably he has other family and friends there?

Original poster
letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 09:05

Daffodilsandbees · 21/08/2023 09:04

Just because you can’t be close to both families doesn’t mean you can’t live close to one!! You’re denying yourselves and one family the happiness and convenience of being close by. Yes it’s not ‘fair’ that you have to choose one side but being so far away from both doesn’t give you the benefit of being close to either. Personally I would live within 1 hour of one side of the family to make day to day interactions possible. Childcare requests (if relevant in the future) will be a helluva lot easier if you’re within one hour (ideally less).

Why move to be nearer his family if you’re NC with his parents - presumably he has other family and friends there?

We'd be moving due to a job offer that just happens to be 'closeish' to his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 09:05

OriginalBin · 21/08/2023 09:03

I wouldn’t call 1.5 hours drive ‘close’, particularly — I thought you were going to say ‘in the next village’ or ‘two suburbs over’. For me, the bigger question is whether you actually want to go and live in his home country at all. It doesn’t sound to me as if you do.

That absolutely is the bigger question, but it's not the one I posed here :)

OP posts:
Holly60 · 21/08/2023 09:08

I think you would be cutting your nose off, to be honest.

Good job, close to airport etc. the only reason you wouldn't want to do it is because at this moment in time it doesn't seem 'fair'.

I'd give it a go and if you hate it you can always move again.

OriginalBin · 21/08/2023 09:09

letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 09:05

That absolutely is the bigger question, but it's not the one I posed here :)

Show quote history

It just sounds to me as if you’re focusing on a minor detail rather than a big step, and you write as if there’s a pattern of him deciding where to live against your preferences. Is the issue that you don’t work and locations are defined by his jobs?

Hufflepods · 21/08/2023 09:11

I don’t actually agree that not living near either family is the most “fair” its actually just the option with the most negatives Imo.
If you are happy to move in general and think this is a good opportunity for your family and your only reason for being against it is that it happens to be closer to his family then YABU. 1.5hrs isn’t exactly super close and since your family were already 6 hrs away and now there’s a close airport nearby if anything does it not also make visiting yours logistically easier too?

nobodysdaughternow · 21/08/2023 09:13

Doesn't sound like you have any agency over your husband (which is presumably why you are asking us instead of sharing your sadness with him?).

I think it's controlling of him not to let you live near your family while you were in the UK. And moving closer to his family when he is NC is utter madness!

I'm NC with my birth family and we moved 200 miles to live 5 mins down the road from dh's parents who are lovely. I wish we'd done it years ago.

Original poster
letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 09:13

OriginalBin · 21/08/2023 09:09

It just sounds to me as if you’re focusing on a minor detail rather than a big step, and you write as if there’s a pattern of him deciding where to live against your preferences. Is the issue that you don’t work and locations are defined by his jobs?

Show quote history

Why the assumption that I don't work? That's random. I do work, 4 days per week, my job is from home so more flexible and the field I am in will mean I can wfh wherever we live :)

OP posts:
Original poster
letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 09:14

nobodysdaughternow · 21/08/2023 09:13

Doesn't sound like you have any agency over your husband (which is presumably why you are asking us instead of sharing your sadness with him?).

I think it's controlling of him not to let you live near your family while you were in the UK. And moving closer to his family when he is NC is utter madness!

I'm NC with my birth family and we moved 200 miles to live 5 mins down the road from dh's parents who are lovely. I wish we'd done it years ago.

Well I cried twice to him yesterday and explained it and he said he understood, but I came on here to get absolute neutral opinions as I don't want to involve family or friends and could do with some other thoughts :)

That sounds lovely, glad it worked out for you!

OP posts:
Flipflipmania · 21/08/2023 09:16

Good grief

I think it is relevant to say that he said a few years ago that it wasn't fair to live overly close to either family

the two of you sound like teenage siblings talking about who gets the bigger room

nobodysdaughternow · 21/08/2023 09:16

Op he's not listening to you. He wants his own way so he just pretends not to understand how much he is pushing you around.

I would tell him you want to move near your family and see how he reacts?

Original poster
letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 09:16

Flipflipmania · 21/08/2023 09:16

Good grief

I think it is relevant to say that he said a few years ago that it wasn't fair to live overly close to either family

the two of you sound like teenage siblings talking about who gets the bigger room

Good grief, do we?

OP posts:
larkstar · 21/08/2023 09:17

We'd be moving due to a job offer that just happens to be 'closeish' to his family.

This doesn't sound like a co-incidence to me - if he's looking for another job, surely there are opportunities in many other places at home and abroad - was he just looking to move back to his home country? I'd take a closer look at how coincidental this is and the possible reasons as to why it might not be as coincidental. Does he have another family there or an ex? How did you meet him? Have you been back to his country to meet his family or not?

I really don't understand why, when you had three opportunity to live closer to your family he would object to that - where's the logic in that? His parents or family would be jealous?

That's two things that don't add up to me - maybe you can explain more.

Original poster
letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 09:17

nobodysdaughternow · 21/08/2023 09:16

Op he's not listening to you. He wants his own way so he just pretends not to understand how much he is pushing you around.

I would tell him you want to move near your family and see how he reacts?

Been there, done that, no joy!

OP posts:
Flipflipmania · 21/08/2023 09:17

There’s something fundamentally loveless about a marriage where you don’t want to live near the other person’s family simply because you didn’t live near to yours in the other country

unfathomable to me really

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 21/08/2023 09:17

Playing devils advocate - if things didn't work out between you and your husband and you were divorced, where would YOU like to live? UK or his home country? Because if you move there and that happened, there is where you would be stuck.

Just something to consider, even if it wasn't what you asked. Especially given your DH seems to be getting his way on things.....

Topseyt123 · 21/08/2023 09:18

You don't sound as though you want to go, so I wouldn't go. Why is he trying to dictate that you don't need to live closer than about 4 - 5 hours from either family? Why is he the only one who seems to have a say there.

Do you work? Can you get work?

You'd like to move closer to your family (presumably within an hour or so of them). Look into doing that.

You're clearly uncomfortable with making his proposed move, so dig your heels in. The last thing you want is to be trapped in a country you don't wish to live in because your children are considered "normally resident there" with him refusing to give permission for them to move back to the UK with you (look up the Hague Convention for information on that).

If he wants the job that badly he can go for it. You don't have to move with him.

Original poster
letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 09:21

Flipflipmania · 21/08/2023 09:17

There’s something fundamentally loveless about a marriage where you don’t want to live near the other person’s family simply because you didn’t live near to yours in the other country

unfathomable to me really

Wow hahahahaha that's a jump right there!!

OP posts:
OriginalBin · 21/08/2023 09:24

letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 09:13

Why the assumption that I don't work? That's random. I do work, 4 days per week, my job is from home so more flexible and the field I am in will mean I can wfh wherever we live :)

Show quote history

Because it was one obvious possibility when only his job seemed to dictate location in the new country. Remote working can’t generally be done longterm from another country for tax reasons. My other thought that your job was so in-demand that you would be sure of work in any place, so your job wouldn’t dictate location to the extent that his would.

Flipflipmania · 21/08/2023 09:24

letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 09:21

Wow hahahahaha that's a jump right there!!

Show quote history

🤷‍♀️

I read this and it sounds loveless to me. You dh saying it would be “unfair” to live closer to one family

then changing his mind when it’s his family

and then you now posting on mumsnet about feeling aggrieved you will live 90 minutes away from his family despite a great opportunity for the family

Sounds idyllic

Gazelda · 21/08/2023 09:26

I don't understand what difference it will make whether it's 1.5hrs or 6hrs. You're not in contact with them. You're never going to bump into them. If relationship thaws, then it will be easier to spend time with them. If it doesn't, then no affect whatsoever.

It really comes across as you not wanting to go to his home country and you resenting not living closer to your family while in the same country.

Azaeleasinbloom · 21/08/2023 09:29

1.5 hours is far enough away, especially as he is not close to them emotionally.
Bigger question is for you, does this move offer a good opportunity to enhance your life too?
I get that it works for your husband, but only you know if it’s worth it for you

Crazymadchickenlady · 21/08/2023 09:31

Personally I think 1.5 hours and near an airport is great. Means you can visit your in laws for the day and not have to stay over anywhere and you can easily get to the airport to travel to the uk.

Topseyt123 · 21/08/2023 09:34

letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 09:21

Wow hahahahaha that's a jump right there!!

Show quote history

She's not the only one who finds it hard to understand. Why the mocking tone from you there?

You asked the question because you are unsure about making this move again, surely?

I find it hard to believe that it is coincidence that your husband is looking at moving to a place within much easier reach of his family than previously while apparently not considering anything similar for you.

Maybe he isn't as "no contact" with them as he would have you believe, and/or intends to re-establish contact.

No problems of course with him re-establishing contact with his family if he wishes, but there are various ways to do that. He should also be being much more considerate of the cost to you. It makes little difference that there may be an airport nearby because the cost of the travel will be high and you will need his permission to travel on your own with the children.

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