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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving near to DH's parents

32 replies

letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 08:57

Hi all - previous lurker but first time posting!
Not sure if I am cutting my nose off to spite my face with this one. DH and I have lived in the UK for ~4 years, but since having our DC we've always intended to move 'back' to his home country. This move is pushed more by him than by me, however I do see the advantages, mainly for our DC.
When discussing it previously, we've always spoken of moving to an area that is probably around a 5-6 hour drive from where he is originally from. Where we live in the UK now is also around 5-6 hour drive from where I am originally from, this is the closest we've lived to my family in the time we've lived in the UK.
I think it is relevant to say that he said a few years ago that it wasn't fair to live overly close to either family. I wanted to live closer to mine while we were in the UK, knowing we'd eventually move away and not have that chance again. That didn't work out.
Yesterday, he says he's been approached about a job which is approx. 1.5 hours from where his family live. The job sounds pretty ideal, less hours and more of a work/life balance than we currently have now. The area is okay but not as nice as the one we had spoken about previously.
I can't help but feel a bit upset, as it feels like yet again he's getting his own way with where we live and I just have to suck it up. His argument is that he's not in contact with his parents at the moment (ongoing issues over the years, ultimately leading to NC this year) but I think this could change in the future. While 1.5 hours away isn't right next door, it's near enough for weekend trips etc, and it was he who originally said the statement about not living close to either family for fairness. There is an airport nearby with flights from the UK airport my family would use/I would use to travel to see them, so it's not like I'd be totally cut off.
I absolutely do understand this is not yet set in stone, but should I be a bit more open to this idea?
AIBU not to consider moving to the area near where his family live?

OP posts:
Bex5490 · 21/08/2023 09:35

letd0wny0urhair · 21/08/2023 09:05

That absolutely is the bigger question, but it's not the one I posed here :)

Show quote history

I think this is the ultimate question. How close you are now to your family or how close you will be to his is irrelevant if you don’t want to move country at all. It’s ok to change your mind even if this was ‘the plan’ before. It’s a massive step…

Also, do you get on with his family? If you don’t know them that well then I can see why it might be a bit daunting having them so close as you can’t really predict whether they will be a great asset or a nightmare.

Bex5490 · 21/08/2023 09:37

Although like others have said 1.5 hrs isn’t really that close 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ponoka7 · 21/08/2023 09:42

I also think that it was strange how it was considered unfair to live by family. How old are your children and what effect will this have on them? Are you leaving friends/a social life behind? This decision is a complex one and not just about your DH's job.

Sundaefraise · 21/08/2023 09:48

Flipflipmania · 21/08/2023 09:17

There’s something fundamentally loveless about a marriage where you don’t want to live near the other person’s family simply because you didn’t live near to yours in the other country

unfathomable to me really

I can see this too, there’s a selfishness in not wanting someone to have something that might make them happy because you can’t have the same.

nappiesandcontracts · 21/08/2023 09:52

As a PP has stated, if you move to his home country and split up, you will have to stay there unless he agrees to let you take the children back to the UK. Would you be happy living in his home country as a single parent?

Poivresel · 21/08/2023 10:00

I think you'll regret moving out of the UK.
Your dh sounds petty and inflexible and I get the impression that you mostly fall in line with what he wants regardless of whether you want it.
Good luck whatever you decide.

Ariela · 21/08/2023 10:00

How much closer will you be to your family too in terms of actual journey time to airport, flight, journey time to your parents? I'm thinking if they live near the airport too it could halve the time or less to travel to your parents if new location is very near the airport. This would make new location better for both parent sets. Particularly as flights are not as onerous on effort/ tiring as driving

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