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Original poster

PLEASE helo me bear the grief - my mum has died

39 replies

wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 06:23

I am almost convulsing trying to not wake up DP crying my eyes out, but my mum died in January at age 56. What can I do to get through this vacation? I can't stop crying and it won't bring her back. My stepfather doesn't care about me like a daughter, and I don't have a dad. It doesn't matter because I am old and can't have children due to a disability. But how can I make things ok?

I feel like I am drowning.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 21/08/2023 06:25

I'd just cry and wake up your dp.

Your mum was so young. It sounds like you were close. What was she like?

Someaddedsugar · 21/08/2023 06:26

So sorry to hear about your loss.

I don't have any real advice but didn't want you to be alone. Here for a hand hold and company if needed.

MinnieMountain · 21/08/2023 06:27

I’m sorry OP. Nothing makes it better, you just get used to it.
Cry as much as you need to. Consider counselling. I wish I had.

Daleksatemyshed · 21/08/2023 06:29

That's very young Op, I'm so sorry for your loss.

MrsWhites · 21/08/2023 06:30

So sorry for your loss OP, no real advice for grief but wake your partner up, if it were the other way around I’m sure you’d want to know he was so upset.

Grief is just the most awful feeling - I would seek counselling, it’s not easy to accept when someone as young as your mum passes away, there is no shame in needing some support x

NEmama · 21/08/2023 06:33

Sending in mumsnetty hugs. It's awful 💐

honeyandfizz · 21/08/2023 06:37

Oh OP I feel your pain. My beautiful Dad died in April, he was in his 60s. It has been brutal as it was very sudden and we were not with him and didn't get chance to say goodbye. I had to be started on anti-depressants as I felt so low and this has helped me massively. I am also having some counselling through work. Have you sought grief counselling? It is so hard to get through and I send you hugs x

Caprisunny · 21/08/2023 06:37

Wake your dp up.

I am so sorry for your loss. My mum died 19 months ago. It’s incredibly painful. But also it leaves you feeling lost.

I cried myself to sleep over her last night. The only advice I have is to take one day at a time. To cry if you need to cry. It’s ok.

January was not long ago. Be kind to yourself. Take each day as it comes. Each hour if you must. It gets easier to live with. It gets easier to function. But it takes time.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. Be kind to yourself

KimberleyClark · 21/08/2023 07:12

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. It hurts so much and you just have to get through it. But time will help eventually.

HorsePlatitudes · 21/08/2023 07:18

I am so Sorry OP. The middle of the night torment is so painful. I lost my mum at Christmas so not long before you. I find that the grief cones in waves and you just have to ride it out. What helped me hugely was every day that I felt “normal” I absolutely grabbed with both hands, did my best to enjoy the moments that I could. I couldn’t leave the house for months without panic attacks etc - it does pass. I also find the pain worse coming up to my period. I also know now that even the most intense pain subsides and you know it will pass even when you’re in it.

I also keep a grief journal which I was a bit 🙄 about at first but it’s really helped so much and when I flick back through it. It’s always comforting to see how far I’ve come.

I was So frightened if having a full breakdown in the aftermath that I stopped drinking and started sleeping as much as I needed and started going to the gym, all of that has helped me stay mentally balanced. Anything you can find that will give you a handhold in these moments is valuable.

hugs ❤️

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/08/2023 07:19

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’d wake your DP up. This will hurt and be horrible. You have to go through this theres no easy way out. Honestly each day is a step forward.

TicTacNicNak · 21/08/2023 07:19

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP. Your mum was still young so you can't be that old yourself.

Perhaps consider speaking to a bereavement support service such as Cruse to help you deal with your feelings. You need to be able to speak about things and let it out, rather than try to keep your tears to yourself.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

Cruse Bereavement Support

Grief can be overwhelming - you don't have to deal with it alone. Cruse Bereavement Support is here. Call our helpline or chat online.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

Einevinefine · 21/08/2023 07:24

So sorry to read this, your mum was so young. I think you need to cry and get help to deal with your very difficult loss. I’m not expressing myself well but just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and sending hugs.

Original poster
wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 07:28

Thank you, I am so appreciative of your thoughts.

I cannot wake DP up, it is our first real minibreak for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 07:29

I am so drunk though, it is awful. It doesn't even quash the pain at all.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 21/08/2023 07:29

Cry. Let your DP wake up and support you.

My mum died last year (60s so also young).

I found for the first 6 months or so I seemed ok - like on autopilot.

But after that it hit me like a train. It was the realisation this was the future now and coping with not seeing or speaking to her. I tried to hold it together but crying really was the best thing in the end. Allow all those feelings of loss and grief out. Allow those who live you to support you Flowers

Original poster
wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 07:31

I am having counselling and not sure it is helping.

My mum was really young and I thought I'd have her forever - I thought she'd outlive me as I have a serious illness.

OP posts:
Original poster
wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 07:34

I'm fairly weird and not much support in real life.

I don't want DP to feel any pressure as we have enough going on there. My best mate is amazing but I don't want to put any pressure on her talking about impossible emotional stuff.

I need to figure out my own stuff without it impacting anyone I love.

OP posts:
AlwaysFreezing · 21/08/2023 07:35

There's no right or way to grieve. I think you have to acknowledge how you feel. Let it out.

I remember having trouble getting off to sleep and feeling utterly claustrophobic, being unable to breathe in the early days.

Got me, this bit didn't last for ages, but I still get that feeling sometimes.

I think about my mum every day. About the things she missing out on. About the things I'd like to tell her.

The grief has changed for me now. I have days when I have a good cry, even now, 5 years later. Other days when I can smile about her. Other days when I feel sorry for myself. Or for her. Or days when I'm glad she's not here to see some stuff.

Allow the grief in. Accept that grieving isn't a linear process with a start date and an end date. Consider counselling. Be kind to yourself. Tell your dh how you're doing.

Big hugs. You will get though it, your own way.

Original poster
wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 07:35

Alcohol is honestly the only release I can see, realistically.

OP posts:
Original poster
wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 07:36

Thank you for your kindness. I hope I can get there.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 21/08/2023 07:37

Woah, you're really drunk this early in the day (or is it evening where you are?)

Stop drinking so much - it won't help with the grief (IME it makes it worse) and you can end up with a drink problem on top of the grief.

Get professional grief counselling when you get home.

johnnydeppsslipper · 21/08/2023 07:38

@wantmoreenergy

I'm so sorry you have lost your mum.

Have you heard of the calm app?it could be good for when your feeling like you are right now to help you gather your thoughts and calm down?

Wake your partner up so they can support you

Flowers
Original poster
wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 07:38

Yes it is evening where I am and we are on holiday.

Free booze and the truth is oozing out and I am so ashamed of the pain I'm in.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 21/08/2023 07:41

Cross posted. I see you think drinking is your only release, but that's not true is it?

You talk to your mate, your counsellor, your DH.

Are you sure you're not looking for an excuse to drink?

I have been in your shoes OP. Drinking is just adding to your problem.

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