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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PLEASE helo me bear the grief - my mum has died

39 replies

wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 06:23

I am almost convulsing trying to not wake up DP crying my eyes out, but my mum died in January at age 56. What can I do to get through this vacation? I can't stop crying and it won't bring her back. My stepfather doesn't care about me like a daughter, and I don't have a dad. It doesn't matter because I am old and can't have children due to a disability. But how can I make things ok?

I feel like I am drowning.

OP posts:

Original poster

wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 07:42

I can't wake DP up, I will be ok - we have no children to look after, it's fine.

OP posts:

CaveMum · 21/08/2023 07:43

I’m sorry for your loss.

If you feel up to it there is a very good podcast called Griefcast which is hosted by Cariad Lloyd. She lost her dad to cancer when she was a teenager. She interviews people (some you will have heard of, others not) to talk about their loss and grief as a whole. It might sound morbid but it’s actually refreshing/cathartic to hear people talk about the different ways we all deal with grief (there is no right or wrong) and for them to have a release in talking about the person they lost. Some of them are losses from years ago, others are very recent - Ed Byrne spoke to her just 3 months after his brother died from cancer.

Listening to it might help you identify ways you can try to manage your grief, but like I say there is no right or wrong way to get through it.

Original poster

wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 07:45

Are you sure you're not looking for an excuse to drink?

I might be. I'm trying to assimilate infertility and there just seems to be not that many great reasons to be careful now with alcohol.

BUT I know that is not actually true and I feel awful drinking too much. It's just in the absolute heat of the moment shitness it is hard to know what I'm abstaining for anymore.

OP posts:

MrsPepperp0t · 21/08/2023 07:50

Sending hugs. My mum was the same age when she died and it's tough, really tough, to lose your mum so young, especially when your dad is no longer around (this was my situation too). Look after yourself- in time the hurt will get less, I promise you.

Booze is not great to use as a crutch but I think you know that. It will make you feel worse.

Go easy on yourself and please do seek help when you're home.

HorsePlatitudes · 21/08/2023 08:04

wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 07:29

I am so drunk though, it is awful. It doesn't even quash the pain at all.

I found getting drunk made me much more emotional. I quit about a month after my mum died and it’s really helped me so much - not normally a massive drinker but I was probably getting through three bottles of wine a week while she was sick. If you have the right moment to gather the strength, please try and quit. I honestly think it makes grieving that much harder ❤️

Summerrainagain1 · 21/08/2023 08:07

OP, I lost my mum when she was a similar age. It's heart breaking. 15 years on and I still struggle to face the greif, although day to day is easier. There is no quick fix, and counselling is the right way to go. Lay off the booze though, it won't be helping at all.

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/08/2023 08:31

wantmoreenergy · 21/08/2023 07:34

I'm fairly weird and not much support in real life.

I don't want DP to feel any pressure as we have enough going on there. My best mate is amazing but I don't want to put any pressure on her talking about impossible emotional stuff.

I need to figure out my own stuff without it impacting anyone I love.

I’d highly recommend seeing a grief counsellor rather than struggling by yourself.

DH took on so much of the load when my mum died I just wanted a place I could break without having to worry about him so I went to a grief counsellor and it really helped to have someone hold my hand through the process.

Toseland · 21/08/2023 08:48

Try not to drink, it makes you more depressed, more likely to be stuck ruminating and gives you additional problems.
Sending you a big hug.
Think - your Mum would not have wanted you to suffer so very much.
Try the grief counselling.

Ghilli · 21/08/2023 08:52

I'm so sorry.

There is no magic cure. It's utterly utterly shit.

Take each day as it comes. Spend a bit of time each day having a think about her. If you need to cry then do. Then get up and do something and keep busy.

Try not to drink too much. Alcohol will make it worse.

Clarinet1 · 21/08/2023 09:05

Oh OP, I know how you feel; My DM died 8 years ago and I still miss her and think of her all the time. I also have serious medical issues and wish she were there to hold my hand and reassure me when I’m undergoing difficult treatment.
I think what helps is to remember the good times and the things I learnt from her - the little sayings she had and so on. Try to take pleasure in what is happening now - like this holiday you’re on. DM would want you to be happy!
In the longer term, I agree that some kind of counselling or therapy would be helpful and I do
think you should be very careful with the booze - it is a depressant after all and you don’t want to go down the slippery slope into dependence.
For now, surely DH would want to comfort you - consider waking him.
I hope you find peace.

Mabelface · 21/08/2023 10:25

Ah, I hear you. It's totally shit. My mum died in April and I'm still stuck in the mire of grief. I can work, but I'm not doing much outside that. Ads keep the worst of anxiety at bay, but I'm only functioning on a basic level.

Things that help me are wearing odd bits of her clothes and her rings. I also have her favourite duvet set on my bed. Helps me to feel that she's always with me. I'm going to have a silver pendant made with some of her ashes in it.

I also just take a day at a time. I have good and bad days.

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 21/08/2023 13:30

I'm sorry that you lost your mum. Personally I found that alcohol made my grief worse, it made me spiral really badly and I ended up sobbing in front of the doctor 6 months after the funeral.

The doctor recommended Mirtazapine. It forces you to sleep and is an anti anxiety medication. That helped much more than alcohol, I think the sleep was a big part of it but removing the constant anxious knot of grief really helped too.

It's been over a year since I lost my dad and sister at the same time, the grief does still come in waves...but I'm not drowning in it anymore. Still waiting to be better than minimally functional, but I'm not a complete mess like I was at the start of the year. Please stop trying to do this alone. Personally I think speaking to your doctor or a grief counsellor would be a good step.

Valeriekat · 21/08/2023 21:56

That is so sad. Sorry for your loss.

Shuggie1234 · 21/08/2023 22:27

Sorry for your loss OP I lost both my parents within a few months of each other and was absolutely heartbroken. It’s been 3 years now and I can finally think about them without crying. I can even talk about them and remember funny stories etc. I still miss them terribly but I’ve come to terms with them being gone in a physical sense but now realise they will always live on in my heart and my memories.
I avoided alcohol after they died I just felt I would lose control and wouldn’t be able to cope if I went done that path. I had seen a close friend who was a complete mess and almost drank themselves to death through trying to drown their grief in alcohol. It just doesn’t work it only makes you feel so much worse. Please speak to someone about your drinking and your grief.
Life is still worth living even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

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