To want more from my mum

[Notsuredontknow]

My mum is in her late 70s but has always seemed younger than her years, in personality and appearance. My dad passed away over a decade ago after a long illness and she was his carer for several years before he passed. That’s just one of many challenges she has dealt with in her life - she’s an incredible, strong woman.

I’ve lived away from the family home for many years now but mum and I have always been close and I have always made an effort to visit regularly. Up until I had DCs I would come “home” every month for the weekend. I still try and keep this up as much as I can now I have DD (4) and DS (2). But I’m finding it increasingly difficult when I get so very little effort back.

My mum won’t come to visit - she doesn’t drive and has some health issues which make her reluctant/anxious to get the train (which I understand as it’s a 3hour+ journey), but she turns down our many offers to come and pick her up/ meet her half way or bring her back with us when we return from visiting her. She also never calls me - I have to ring and text her, else I simply wouldn’t hear from her. I once stopped making contact just to see what happened. Nearly a month passed with no contact at all until I finally called her because it was my dad’s anniversary. She said she hadn’t noticed that we hadn’t been in touch all that time.

I have had no emotional support since my second child especially - don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect childcare or physical help - but barely even a phone call to see how I’m doing (which by the way has not always been great).

I have told her directly that it would be lovely to hear from her more, to have her call or contact me, to suggest meet ups or accept our invitations to visit. I’ve told her I miss her. I’ve told her I want her grandchildren to know her. I’ve invited her to all my DCs birthdays, christmasses, and on little UK holidays/weekends away with us (I accept that any holiday further afield would be too much for her) - she has never come and there is always an excuse, usually that she would have no one to look after her cat (even though my sister lives 10 mins from her). Or, even worse, she agrees to come and see us but then cancels a couple of days beforehand (this has happened about 4 times now). When I told her I felt like if I didn’t make effort we’d be in danger of drifting apart she sort of shrugged and said “well, we’re not going to lose touch are we?!” She has also said she thinks it’s normal that now that I have children, her and I will be less close as I focus on my own family - do others agree with this? I certainly didn’t envisage that happening and don’t want it to - I am desperate to remain close to her and for her to have a bond with her grandchildren. I would also still love my mum’s guidance and support of course!

It has been upsetting me and is on my mind a lot. Am I being unreasonable to expect more effort on her part (I totally accept I should, and am happy to, make the majority of the effort re visits given her age, health etc)? Or should i accept that she, for some reason, doesn’t want the same relationship I do / we have previously had, and I should stop pushing for it?

Mine’s a bit like this too. She’s of the opinion that she’s ‘served her time,’ raised her kids and would I kindly mostly bugger off now to let her get on with the rest of her life. She would never say we’re not close, or that she doesn’t love me, she just doesn’t want that kind of mother/daughter relationship.

What exactly is the upside for you for putting maximum effort in and getting crumbs in return?

Being your 'mother' should have no bearing on this.

Either you have a healthy relationship because both of you contribute to it, or you dont.

It seems that you have tried repeatedly to make this work, and she has made it abundantly clear that you are not her priority now.

I would move on and concentrate on my DCs and friends.

If she wants to contact you, she can.

How sad for you, but unfortunately you can't get her to be as you would like her to be. You've been direct and it doesn't sound like it's worked.

I'm sure you will be different with your own children as they get older.

My parents were a bit like this. My mum wouldn't let my dad drive to us, an hour away. My mum visited us if another family member brought her to us. I accepted this and took my children to see them every other weekend. They adored my kids and vice versa.

They were amazing grandparents and loved my children so much. They were just a bit set in their ways.

Sorry OP. YANBU. Sounds like you’re giving everything and not getting much back which is of course hurtful.

What was she like as a mother to you growing up? Do you think she might be battling depression? It sometimes hits people as they get older x

Has she changed? Since you had children or since your dad died or since her health deteriorated? Or has it always been like this?

Thanks for the replies. She was a great mum growing up and we were very close until about 4-5 years ago, so there’s definitely been a change. This coincided with me having children but also her health issues (and the pandemic, though she never outwardly expressed any big concerns about it). I think if we’d always been distant I would be less upset, but this just isn’t how I saw our relationship going. She does love her GCs but is at risk of missing out on so much.

I also wonder if she’s depressed. Have gently raised it with her and she insists she’s not but there are levels of anxiety at play as a minimum. I know rationally I can’t change her but also can’t give up, I want my DCs to have a relationship with her and I feel a level of guilt being so far away.

What issues does she have with her health? Could they be impacting her more than you know?
As you say she was your dads carer, do you think she is worried she could become a burden to you with her health so wants you to focus on the children?
It sounds difficult for both you and her for different reasons

She's in her late seventies, how much can you expect at this point? She lives far away and is elderly. You cant expect to have the give and take relationship at this point in her life. She might feel like she's done her bit, and it's your time to attend to her, which is completely understandable. When you've got a family of your own and you're in the thick of that day in, day out it's hard to take other perspectives into view. She's on her own every day. You have your own family to deal with every day. If you try to pull comparisons, she's by far in the weaker position. What seems like a great event celebrating idea to you requires an extreme amount of effort for her. Is she in a home? Sometimes when you cant see beyond what's going on with you and your kids, she might not be able to see beyond her next meal.

I would gently ask what you can do for her. Your OP's all about what you want from this relationship, even though your mum's made it pretty clear it's too much for her to handle.

I appreciate that your thread's about your disappointment here, and isn't a full picture. So, filling in the gaps, what would she like or maybe need from you?

She’s old @Notsuredontknow and people really change when they are old. They don’t sleep well, they have aches and pains, they become more anxious and they become much more self absorbed. You just need to crack on and accept that this is how it is.

I think your mom's age is a big issue here (not saying it is the only issue). Everything is harder at that age, health issues are plenty, and energy levels are much lower. Could you set an 'appointment' for a phone call with her? As in, she calls you every Tuesday at 4 pm and gets into a routine of doing that while you call on other days. This might also allow you to get a handle on if some of the problems are memory related for her (especially as you said she had no idea that it had been a month since you had spoken).

If you’ve always been very close and it’s changed fairly recently, maybe it would be best just to accept her limitations and meet her where she’s at. If she doesn’t feel able to come and see you, she’s in her late 70s and that’s different from somebody younger refusing to. Maybe she finds it hard to put into words why she struggles with this, but she clearly does. It could be anxiety or it could be any number of things but she may not be able to articulate it.
perhaps decide how often you want to visit - say one weekend every two months (or more often if you prefer) and visit her that often and don’t put pressure on her to come see you. Same with phone calls - phone her once a week or however often you decide but don’t worry that it’s always you initiating.
People will not always be the way you want them to be, and I think in this case she’s been a loving close mother to you and if I were you I’d just be thankful for that and accept that you need to do a lot of the initiating for whatever reason. If you feel she’s not supporting you emotionally you maybe need to look for that elsewhere - in mum friends or whatever.
If she has health issues and she’s overcome a lot in her life, perhaps she is feeling weary and doesn’t want to have to keep being “strong” and in this season of life she is allowing herself to take a step back.

My Mum lives about a 3 hour drive from us. From around age 77 she just didn’t want to leave home to visit us. She loves to see us when we visit ( we try to get to see her very 4-6 weeks) but she just doesn’t feel comfortable driving that distance and also doesn’t like the train etc. I have offered many times to collect her to bring her to stay. She accepts for Christmas but is very reluctant other times. I just think she is more comfortable in her own home. She will call me if she hasn’t heard from me for a few days but I do try to call her a couple of times a week.

it just may be that your Mum prefers to be in her own home and that could be for many reasons.

I was just reading an article about depression, and that a major (and often overlooked) symptom is a loss of interest in anything you once enjoyed. This can be without a feeling of being ‘down’. I’d suggest that your mum is older, she’s lost her life partner, the covid lockdowns impacted social interaction and she’s lost confidence (which can happen quite quickly especially if you have had an illness). There’s also an element of older people being viewed by society as less important. My take is that your mum is struggling with life generally and that her world is shrinking as a result. I’d suggest you keep reaching out, even if she finds it hard.

Thanks everyone, I’ve honestly found each of these messages helpful - appreciate your replies x

Is she afraid to leave the house but dosen't want to say that?

I think when people have expectations on people they will never be happy, I am not saying that to have a go but as I get older I just learn to accept people as they are

People don't generally set out to deliberately be hurtful to others but everyone has their own things going on and as much as 'yeah but it would be nice if...' happens It doesn't usually

Either her health/mental health is impacting on her or she doesn't feel the need to have regular contact. I'd visit on a timetable that suits you and maybe ring to check in once a week. If it's on your terms you might feel better about it. If she needs more she can ask or if you see she's struggling you can adapt accordingly.

You mention your sister lives 10 mins from her? Is this a factor at all?

My mum was like this - wouldn't phone unless I phoned her. She would often hang up on me and I was expected to call her. If I hadn't called didn't we wouldn't have had any contact. Partly control and my expected duties as a daughter and bit of martyr-ism - you have your life now don't need an old woman like me. She also used her cat as an excuse.

My mother was a difficult person all her life but age and health worries took it's toll. I definitely think she was depressed a bit lonely as circle seemed to shrink. But she was of the 'pull yourself' generation and wouldn't hear about going to the GP. Perhaps your mother - a decade you get than mine would be more receptive.

Up thread a poster suggested you ask what 'you' can do for her perhaps adjusting your expectations. I think that is a good suggestion. I did, so made the calls, accepted she would never visit and it stopped bothering me. Took the pressure off. Stopped me feeling rejected. Easier said than done though.

Good luck OP

Definitely agree with this.

It sounds like your mum loves you a lot OP. We all know how hard it is being a full time consistent caregiver and she’s done this with her children and then partner. She’s probably exhausted and deserves to be the cared for one now.

I think it isn’t the who makes effort that matters to you because you’re clearly a good daughter who loves her and has no problem accommodating her needs. It’s more that her perceived lack of effort makes you think that she doesn’t care or has stopped feeling about you in the way that she used to. I can bet that this isn’t the case and that her actions are due to her age, mental health etc not her feelings for you. So when you’re making all the calls or visits, just think to yourself that she LOVES you just as she always did. She just can’t show it in the same way.

But also, don’t feel guilty for living far away. You have to live your own life too x

My mum is in her late 70s but has always seemed younger than her years

This stood out to me - she may have seemed younger but she also was younger. She's unarguably old now, lost her DH, has health issues, and it sounds like the gap between her age and how she appears has closed. It's hard for you being used to her seeming younger and you having more contact but you're three hours away, as I am from my parents who are slightly older, and even being driven that far can wipe them out. I got to them and stay in an airbnb so we only do the nice stuff together - a meal out with the kids, or a couple of hours hanging at their house then leave them to recover from the invasion. We also speak on the phone less than we used to, only once a week, but I message most days just to say hi. I think the key is not to compare things to how they were but to acknowledge that things change as they get older. She'll still have a relationship with the GC but it will be what she's capable of, which will be less than you'd hope for by the sounds of it. Sorry, it's hard when you have your DC with older grandparents, but they've still got her and will appreciate what contact they have.

Just to add - they also can get more fearful too and used to their routines. So although it seems like they have an active life when I'm not there, it's within really circumscribed limits and anything different can really throw them. Sounds like that might be a factor from what you're saying e.g. lockdown being part of it. It's a tough time to start a new phase of your life, where you want to engage more with the grandparent relationship and she wants to do less.