To want more from my mum

[Notsuredontknow]

My mum is in her late 70s but has always seemed younger than her years, in personality and appearance. My dad passed away over a decade ago after a long illness and she was his carer for several years before he passed. That’s just one of many challenges she has dealt with in her life - she’s an incredible, strong woman.

I’ve lived away from the family home for many years now but mum and I have always been close and I have always made an effort to visit regularly. Up until I had DCs I would come “home” every month for the weekend. I still try and keep this up as much as I can now I have DD (4) and DS (2). But I’m finding it increasingly difficult when I get so very little effort back.

My mum won’t come to visit - she doesn’t drive and has some health issues which make her reluctant/anxious to get the train (which I understand as it’s a 3hour+ journey), but she turns down our many offers to come and pick her up/ meet her half way or bring her back with us when we return from visiting her. She also never calls me - I have to ring and text her, else I simply wouldn’t hear from her. I once stopped making contact just to see what happened. Nearly a month passed with no contact at all until I finally called her because it was my dad’s anniversary. She said she hadn’t noticed that we hadn’t been in touch all that time.

I have had no emotional support since my second child especially - don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect childcare or physical help - but barely even a phone call to see how I’m doing (which by the way has not always been great).

I have told her directly that it would be lovely to hear from her more, to have her call or contact me, to suggest meet ups or accept our invitations to visit. I’ve told her I miss her. I’ve told her I want her grandchildren to know her. I’ve invited her to all my DCs birthdays, christmasses, and on little UK holidays/weekends away with us (I accept that any holiday further afield would be too much for her) - she has never come and there is always an excuse, usually that she would have no one to look after her cat (even though my sister lives 10 mins from her). Or, even worse, she agrees to come and see us but then cancels a couple of days beforehand (this has happened about 4 times now). When I told her I felt like if I didn’t make effort we’d be in danger of drifting apart she sort of shrugged and said “well, we’re not going to lose touch are we?!” She has also said she thinks it’s normal that now that I have children, her and I will be less close as I focus on my own family - do others agree with this? I certainly didn’t envisage that happening and don’t want it to - I am desperate to remain close to her and for her to have a bond with her grandchildren. I would also still love my mum’s guidance and support of course!

It has been upsetting me and is on my mind a lot. Am I being unreasonable to expect more effort on her part (I totally accept I should, and am happy to, make the majority of the effort re visits given her age, health etc)? Or should i accept that she, for some reason, doesn’t want the same relationship I do / we have previously had, and I should stop pushing for it?

Maybe she just wants rest. It sounds like she’s had a lifetime of doing for other people and she’s tired and done with it. I’m sure she loves you very much OP but she may be over having a busy life meeting other peoples needs.

Your post is all me,me,me. Your poor mum is in her late 70's and it sounds like she's struggling

My mum is 81 (although my dad is still alive so a bit different) and I've noticed something similar. We're still close but not like it used to be. I think she's just tired really.

Perhaps in her late 70s, after nursing your df for a few years, which must have been incredibly hard, she is enjoying being lazy. Pottering in her garden, going to sleep early, seeing her friends locally, surrounded with her own things, whatever she prefers.

It's lovely that you keep in touch and it's clear that you are hurt but she's old and she'll be slowing down by now. I think you have to accept whatever she is comfortable with.

I can kind of see both sides but my mother is the same age. It's recently become harder for her to leave home and some health issues make her insecure about travel on her own. Your mother is also grieving and it's not been very long since her husband died. I can completely understand why she might not be giving you the 'more' you want. Does she let you go visit her? As our parents get older, I think the onus needs to be on us to travel more.

I don't think you're wrong for wanting to be closer to your Mum at all. It might just be possible that her age doesn't make it possible for her to do all you want the same way and you'll have to accept the relationship that is possible? She's quite old to be a grandmother to such young children, so it's going to be different to those who have grandchildren that age 20 years earlier.

I was watching the latest Joanna Lumley tv programme where she is gadding around India and the Middle East.
I was surprised to hear her say she is 77. Thats only one year younger than my mum and stepdad.
I could no more see my mum getting on a camel tham flying a rocket to the moon.
The big difference here is health.
There are many people in their late 70s who are in robust health. There are many who are not.
I live a couple of hours away from my parents. The last time they came to me was before lockdown. I know they will never visit me again.
Neither can drive the distance, my stepdad has poor mobility and finds trains difficult.
They are not depressed, they still go to church, my mum has a weekly lunch date with a friend, my stepdad watches sport and has endless conversations with my son about the Premier League.
When they both feel up to it, they have a couple of short bus trips they can take to have lunch out. They have lots of visits from the grandchildren and great grandchildren who live in the same city.
But the reality is they are in poor health, they prefer their own beds, their own chairs, my mum is off to bed by 9. They love the to see the babies and older grandkids but an hour or so is exhausting for them.
It’s not that they don’t want us or the youngsters around, it’s that they can’t cope with it for too long.
So we make the journeys, keep the visits short and sweet - because that’s what is best for them.

I think you might need to accept that this is how she is now. My DM is very, very similar in some ways and similarly she is now widowed after caring for my dad for a long while. Add in the isolation of covid and her naturally introverted and somewhat negative personality and here we are.

She also never rings me but always finishes our weekly call with ‘don’t leave it too long.’ I can’t do quick chats, it needs to be a full half hour or more and always the same topics. Something I really struggle with is her apparent lack of interest in my life beyond the absolute minimum. I’ve recently started a quite intense volunteer role and have also been diagnosed with a quite unpleasant condition yet they are never mentioned.

So I get it but she won’t change so maybe ask her what she would like re visits rather than suggesting she comes to you. Maybe she’d like to see you alone if that’s possible. GC are lovely in the abstract but exhausting in reality- another very real sadness among my siblings.

Try to find the best bits of your relationship and focus on them.

I think your mum may just be slowing down, OP and may not have the energy she previously did.
That said, my own Mum has always allowed our relationship to be incredibly one sided and I decided a long time ago that I wouldn’t continue a friendship where I was constantly having to chase, so I also stopped bothering. I feel better about it all now and am very low contact with my Mum.