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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas is always with In-laws In-laws

27 replies

MrsF111 · 20/08/2023 19:55

This is my first AIBU and a bit of a preemptive one. Sorry to mention Christmas already…DH and I alternate Christmas but the issue is the years at his family aren't actually ever at my in-laws places they are always at his sisters SILs houses. Which means I spend those Christmases with people I barely know feeling like a total guest, I might see them at my DNs birthday parties but that is it other than Christmas ever other year. I’ve not said anything other than a grumble to DH as he is the younger brother and his family’s life tends to revolve around his older sister 1. Because she already has children and 2. Because her DH doesn’t compromise much so it would mean mil and fil having to chose. However we are now expecting our first DC and I really don’t want their christmases ever other year to be in a different family’s house with all their traditions and us feeling like outsiders. I would LOVE to have Christmas at SIL or MILS house just not at my SILs SILs house if that makes sense, I’m not related to them!
we want to offer to host at ours once DC on are here and to say that ever other time we are with DH family would be us hosting but it’s going to cause such an issue to rock the current boat and make MIL and FIL choose as I really don’t think my BIL would come to us he would want to be with his family as he is ever year. I wouldn’t invite BILs in-laws as, as nice as they are, to me they aren’t my family and I find it strange to always spend Christmas with them (plus invite one I would have to invite them all and i don’t have space for an extra 6 adults and I’m not even sure how many children - 10 ish on top of my actual in-laws)

so AIBU it’s totally normal to spend Christmas with your in-laws in-laws
or AINBU it’s normal to want to spend it just with your actual in-laws/family especially once DC are here

OP posts:
armsandlegs · 20/08/2023 19:59

Its normal to spend Christmas (or any other day) with people you want to spend time with. Everyone of us will have a different combination of friends, family, extended family, work etc
Nothing wrong with spending time with your SIL's in-laws ... if you want to. If you don't want to, say you'll be doing something else.

ChubbyMorticia · 20/08/2023 20:03

I’d probably go with,”With the baby coming, we’ve decided to stay home and start our own traditions. You’re welcome to join us at X:00.”

Or offer to have them on the 26th.

Popcorn640 · 20/08/2023 20:12

ChubbyMorticia · 20/08/2023 20:03

I’d probably go with,”With the baby coming, we’ve decided to stay home and start our own traditions. You’re welcome to join us at X:00.”

Or offer to have them on the 26th.

This.

Once we'd have children we just said we wanted to spend Christmas in our own home, and they were welcome to come and stay if they wanted. We rarely have family come, but we have lovely Christmas days with our own traditions, our children able to enjoy their gifts in their own space, and no one stressed out from packing bags, driving, sitting in someone else's stuffy dining room on a wobbly stool....

ohcrums · 20/08/2023 20:14

ChubbyMorticia · 20/08/2023 20:03

I’d probably go with,”With the baby coming, we’ve decided to stay home and start our own traditions. You’re welcome to join us at X:00.”

Or offer to have them on the 26th.

Yes this. Perhaps say they can pop round for breakfast on the way?

AperolWhore · 20/08/2023 20:15

Agree with @ChubbyMorticia. My in laws are bloody horrible so we don’t spend Christmas with them at all. We alternate one year with my family then one year at home on our own and it works perfectly.

Christmas is non negotiable in my eyes, I want to spend it surrounded by people I enjoy spending time with and you should do too.

Owjrbvr · 20/08/2023 20:16

Your DHs parents can just alternate between their daughter and their son as you do between your sets of parents surely?

Marwoodsbigbreak · 20/08/2023 20:16

Why can’t you stay at home and PILS just do what they usually do?

SlippySarah · 20/08/2023 20:18

Ahhhh the flow of Xmas family angst AIBU threads have started. It's a sign of autumn if ever there was one. You can spend Xmas with whomever you choose OP and its OK for your PIL to have to choose.

Original poster
MrsF111 · 20/08/2023 20:29

Thanks everyone who’s replied, my DH is happy to go with whatever so we most likely will just invite to ours and let them chose but I really don’t know if my view is unreasonable. He thinks it’s normal to be with his sisters in laws I just find it so odd! If it was his aunts house/cousins house etc that would be normal but it’s a whole different family we don’t really see otherwise and my children won’t know their children/ever see them apart from every other Christmas

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsF111 · 20/08/2023 20:31

i just feel it’s going to cause a load of guilt tripping from mil and FIL about with coming to us and therefore not seeing their current grandchildren or going to their daughters in laws and therefore not seeing us (in reality the second option is more likely which is absolutely fine with me but I would feel bad for DH not being with his parents/sister)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsF111 · 20/08/2023 20:32

MrsF111 · 20/08/2023 20:31

i just feel it’s going to cause a load of guilt tripping from mil and FIL about with coming to us and therefore not seeing their current grandchildren or going to their daughters in laws and therefore not seeing us (in reality the second option is more likely which is absolutely fine with me but I would feel bad for DH not being with his parents/sister)

Sorry @Marwoodsbigbreak this was in reply to you / not sure why it didn’t quote in the first message!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsF111 · 20/08/2023 20:34

Popcorn640 · 20/08/2023 20:12

This.

Once we'd have children we just said we wanted to spend Christmas in our own home, and they were welcome to come and stay if they wanted. We rarely have family come, but we have lovely Christmas days with our own traditions, our children able to enjoy their gifts in their own space, and no one stressed out from packing bags, driving, sitting in someone else's stuffy dining room on a wobbly stool....

Show quote history

This sounds like the dream I just feel like I’m being awkward changing the way it’s always been. But staying home/having them come to us and hosting (I LOVE to host) would be my ideal scenario)

OP posts:
Gothambutnotahamster · 20/08/2023 20:42

ChubbyMorticia · 20/08/2023 20:03

I’d probably go with,”With the baby coming, we’ve decided to stay home and start our own traditions. You’re welcome to join us at X:00.”

Or offer to have them on the 26th.

This!

AgathaMiss · 20/08/2023 20:48

Several options- does your MIL spend every Christmas there? If she alternates, then change your routine so you're at home in the year she's not with the in-law family. Then she has the option of seeing her daughter one year and you/her son the other year.

If she spends every Christmas with them, again she has the option of alternating to spend Christmas with you every other year.

Or organise a new tradition, where you host between Christmas and New year. You get to spend a cosy Christmas day with immediate family and catch up with wider family too.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 20/08/2023 20:52

Surely just mention sil gets to stay home with her dc and you intend to do the same...

Original poster
MrsF111 · 20/08/2023 20:55

AgathaMiss · 20/08/2023 20:48

Several options- does your MIL spend every Christmas there? If she alternates, then change your routine so you're at home in the year she's not with the in-law family. Then she has the option of seeing her daughter one year and you/her son the other year.

If she spends every Christmas with them, again she has the option of alternating to spend Christmas with you every other year.

Or organise a new tradition, where you host between Christmas and New year. You get to spend a cosy Christmas day with immediate family and catch up with wider family too.

she spends every year with BILs family as he won’t alternate and she wants to be with her daughter and my DH has always just gone along with it, in younger years because he was single and then just because it because the norm

OP posts:
AlwaysFoldingWashing · 20/08/2023 21:00

I think @ChubbyMorticia has it spot on. We had a similar issue last year of wanting to break traditions in favour his starting new ones as a family of 3, I was dreading it but sooo glad we did! Rip the plaster off now and it will set the precedent for future years, Christmas is too special a time with little ones to spend it being unhappy.

Congrats on the baby!

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 20/08/2023 21:03

Op you really aren't responsible for mil's Christmas... She isn't 5...

AgathaMiss · 20/08/2023 21:03

If she sees her DD every year, she can alternate coming to you if she really wants to see your DH and grandchild. She must enjoy spending time with her DDs inlaws, so I'd suggest offering to host for Christmas or on 26th (or weekend before/after if everyone is at work in the week) for a get together.

Original poster
MrsF111 · 20/08/2023 21:09

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 20/08/2023 20:52

Surely just mention sil gets to stay home with her dc and you intend to do the same...

Sil goes to her SILs (her DH sister) every year, so her children are with their cousins/she’s with her in laws. I would love to go to my SIL house as I see her as family, my DC would be with their cousins etc, I just don’t want to go to my SILs in-laws as that is just too far removed/I feel like an imposition/complete guest

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 20/08/2023 21:23

It’s not sensible to think your child should have a shit Christmas every other year, just so your husbands sister doesn’t need to face the fact she’s married a twat who won’t compromise and doesn’t give a shit if she’s happy as long as he gets to extend his childhood Christmases - preferably without him going to any expense or effort.

just say you don’t fancy spending Christmas with SILs husbands family, and you think that now you are having a baby it would be very rude to impose on their family Christmas. You are happy to have a [dh family name] Christmas and to host that, or go to MILs house. But if they definitely don’t want that, then that’s fine, you’ll be at yours and they can pop in if they like on way to see SIL’s Husbands family.

Original poster
MrsF111 · 20/08/2023 21:31

LimeCheesecake · 20/08/2023 21:23

It’s not sensible to think your child should have a shit Christmas every other year, just so your husbands sister doesn’t need to face the fact she’s married a twat who won’t compromise and doesn’t give a shit if she’s happy as long as he gets to extend his childhood Christmases - preferably without him going to any expense or effort.

just say you don’t fancy spending Christmas with SILs husbands family, and you think that now you are having a baby it would be very rude to impose on their family Christmas. You are happy to have a [dh family name] Christmas and to host that, or go to MILs house. But if they definitely don’t want that, then that’s fine, you’ll be at yours and they can pop in if they like on way to see SIL’s Husbands family.

Please can you come and tell them for me as this is spot on 😂😂

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 20/08/2023 21:31

This happens with Dh’s family. SIL won’t budge on being with her family for every holiday. When Dh’s brother married her, the family accepted that they would have to be add-ons to her family events if they wanted to see brother and his new wife on or near holidays. DH didn’t love it, but made an appearance for family harmony.

then I came along and wanted to see my own family and also didn’t want to drag our child to someone else’s event. I heaven forbid, also wanted to be allowed a turn in the hosting rotation. I was the wrench in the works and it did not make me popular with BIL and SIL.

We just decided we would offer to host certain things and if they show up that is great. If not, we have a nice holiday on our own. We also do make some appearances at her extended family parties, but we don’t let them dominate. Pil finally stepped up and convinced BIL and SIL that we should have at least one short Christmas gathering for just that family. It has to work around her schedule, but it happens.

CuteCillian · 20/08/2023 21:36

BILs family as he won’t alternate and neither will you, now you have a family. Perfectly reasonable.

ChubbyMorticia · 21/08/2023 02:27

Your PIL’s expectations aren’t your obligations. Their disappointment about not getting what they want is theirs to deal with, not yours.