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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you what life is like when you are loved and in a relationship?

59 replies

OneDayIHopeItsGoingToBeMe · 20/08/2023 19:36

When someone chose you, you are sharing and building a life with someone, when people ask you if you have partner and you can say yes and they smile and nod, not being shamed for being single and feeling akward, when you have someone to buy a house with and decorate it, someone to spend holidays with, someone to say good morning and night to, someone who cares how you are, knows who you are, to take to weddings/parties/whatever, having ’our’ things, to be someone’s nro.1, who helps you when you are sick or just tired, who gets you and you give them gifgts/flowers/whatever, share life’s crap with….. list could go on forever….

What is that like?

OP posts:
NooNaNa · 20/08/2023 19:39

It's not as good as you imagine it is. Mostly it's boring and hard work.

abstract13 · 20/08/2023 19:45

From someone who was in an unhappy relationship with it going no where for 6+ years, I can say it's bliss. It's truly bliss to be loved and accepted for who I am. Been with my fiancé now for nearly a year and a half (we get married in October) and it's a feeling like no other. I know this man will go above beyond for me (as I will for him) holidays, Christmas, and events is lovely having him there with me. Of course it's boring sometimes, we both work full time & have 2 kids (his kids from a previous) half the week, but even when we are just at home we are just chilling together, we always make tea and eat together, most nights is a night infront of the tv due to money/kids but we always have fun, going to sleep every night is like a sleepover with a best friend, we always chat for ages before we go to sleep and he wakes me up every morning with a coffee as he's up at 7 and I'm a late riser 😂 having gone through a miscarriage with this man, he is the most caring and loving man I've ever met, I dunno where I'd be without him. He's 13 years older than me and he completely balances me out, I can be a stress head and he's so chill, we can just jump on a train and see what the day takes us, I love it.

HappiestSleeping · 20/08/2023 19:45

In my instance, it's the best thing imaginable. I don't find it hard work at all, quite the opposite. We get more done together, not boring or hard work. More effortless than I can describe in fact.

I didn't meet my wife until later in life, and "in sickness and in health" has turned out to be mainly sickness, but I wouldn't swap it for the world. We make each other laugh daily, and all the small stuff seems to fade into insignificance.

She is, without doubt, the best thing. Funny thing though, until I met her, I didn't think my life could be any better. I was happy beyond belief. Its just that I have discovered that there is another level of happiness.

I imagine this sounds gushy, but I make no apologies. I would have thought that until it happened to me.

Original poster
OneDayIHopeItsGoingToBeMe · 20/08/2023 19:45

NooNaNa · 20/08/2023 19:39

It's not as good as you imagine it is. Mostly it's boring and hard work.

The day everyone dumps their partners is the day I believe that.

It’s gotta be worth it, specially if it comes with such a price.

OP posts:
abstract13 · 20/08/2023 19:45

Also, not to say we don't have disagreements, but we never argue and make sure we speak and communicate

Nannyfannybanny · 20/08/2023 19:48

What is that like! Pretty unusual I would say. No one is perfect, life isn't perfect. It's not all hearts and flowers. People can be selfish, annoying. I've been with my DH 34, years,I only ever remember him saying good morning to me when we worked together, before we become a couple. I would say life is comfortable,we "get" each other, compliment each other. He is the practical one,I'm the emotional,caring one, I was nursing before and after a brief period away from it, when I met him, his F who brought him up had just died,then my lovely DM suddenly died. We had a lot in common,a shoulder to cry on, similar ethics,ideas on children, religion, politics. He is bloody annoying,but makes me laugh.

NooNaNa · 20/08/2023 19:49

It's ok for about a year for two, then it gets a bit samey. As far as I can see no one is "in bliss" 20 years in. But like that cheesy Captain Corelli quote, lives are so entangled with finances and children that separating isn't appealing.

TheYadaYada · 20/08/2023 19:50

I am not sure that people telling you about happy and loving relationships is going to help you if you’re feeling low.

If you get it right, it’s not ‘boring and hard work’. It’s the complete opposite.

namechangedtoday2023 · 20/08/2023 19:50

You know you weren't wrong and (you know) we all agree with you.

Jadeywithababy · 20/08/2023 19:50

I feel very lucky that my husband is my best friend, we laugh together every day and he’s been my absolute rock since our baby was born. There will always be little annoyances and disagreements but for us the good far outweighs the bad. I was single for 9 years before we got together so I understand that longing to find someone. The right person is so worth the wait but I would always prefer being single to being in the wrong relationship - there’s nothing worse than that icky feeling when you know it’s not quite right.

daisychain01 · 20/08/2023 19:52

OneDayIHopeItsGoingToBeMe · 20/08/2023 19:36

When someone chose you, you are sharing and building a life with someone, when people ask you if you have partner and you can say yes and they smile and nod, not being shamed for being single and feeling akward, when you have someone to buy a house with and decorate it, someone to spend holidays with, someone to say good morning and night to, someone who cares how you are, knows who you are, to take to weddings/parties/whatever, having ’our’ things, to be someone’s nro.1, who helps you when you are sick or just tired, who gets you and you give them gifgts/flowers/whatever, share life’s crap with….. list could go on forever….

What is that like?

I'm concerned that by inviting people who are in happy relationships, to talk about what a great life they have with a supportive caring partner, all it does is rub salt into your wounds.

these threads never end well, because they end up being people effectively sounding like they're bragging about the happiness, the togetherness, yada yada, but actually doing it in good faith because it's what you asked for.

where are you in all this? it isn't constructive for you to read all this if you're suffering with loneliness, or a failed relationship, or never having had a relationship. What's happening that caused you to want to know about other people?

namechangedtoday2023 · 20/08/2023 19:53

Oops! Wrong thread!

Circumferences · 20/08/2023 19:54

😂 it's work.
I've been in a relationship for 10+ years with someone who's main hobby is moaning at me over really petty non-issues that's aren't even worth the headspace.
He really enjoys it!

Ilovegoldies · 20/08/2023 19:55

Its wonderful. I didn't meet him until I was 50 though. I was either single or in shit relationships. Ironically I met him when I made the conscious decision to never date again.

Oysterbabe · 20/08/2023 19:56

Pretty overrated tbh.

TheCosyRain · 20/08/2023 20:00

Your post seems very idealised. I am in what I would consider to be a loving, happy healthy relationship. But it feels like …home. It is contentment and security. It isn’t Instagram.

I was single for 7 years and no-one ever made me feel pitied me for it.

Justcallmebebes · 20/08/2023 20:02

I've had a couple of really shit relationships, including my DC's dad who was a deadbeat abusive bastard and caused me a lot of problems over the years but my relationship now, in my 50's is brilliant.

We genuinely are the best of friends and it just works and I honestly wouldn't be without him

Jevwaypock · 20/08/2023 20:04

For me personally- As cheesy as it sounds, it feels like home. It’s being content, being yourself and feeling like you have a best friend always. Yes of course they piss you off and you argue sometimes and sometimes life gets hard, but they are always there for you. I’ve been with my DP for 8 years and I am still so in love with him. He makes me laugh everyday, we talk about anything and everything. I love raising our children with him and I can say I really do feel at peace and am truly happy with him. We respect each other, are kind to each other, still flirt, both work hard, both do things around the house, both do thing with the kids works for us x

BibbleandSqwauk · 20/08/2023 20:04

@Circumferences so why are you in it? Really, if that's all you can say about it?

I've reached a point after two marriages ended due to infidelity where I will never rely fully on a relationship again. I have a partner of some years but we maintain separate homes, finances and lives. We see each other 2/3 times a week and go.on breaks away when our (separate) kids and work permit. OP it is wonderful to be spoiled, thought of, have someone to go places with but it almost always comes with some form of compromise. Nothing is perfect and the grass is rarely greener. As a SP to two children I often envy my childfree friends their autonomy. My very much married and "stuck with each other" friends envy my comparative freedom and "only the best bits" relationship, I sometimes envy their 24/7 always having someone else to share the load situation. There is no one right way to be happy.

Original poster
OneDayIHopeItsGoingToBeMe · 20/08/2023 20:04

Honestly I don’t even care if it/life would be boring and same old,same old.
My life that now and top of it I’m alone.
I always wanted a very simple life, so I’m not even looking for fireworks everyday.

OP posts:
Missingmyusername · 20/08/2023 20:06

I would say pretty unusual OP. Why do you feel ashamed that you are single? It seems to be a choice many people are making.

I would say I’m happily married, but it’s hard work. DH works 7 days a week most of the time, (two jobs- one being a well paid hobby). We have argued about the weekend job, but it makes him happy and he did it before I came along and we spoke about it at length before and during dating.
I love dogs and will always have one (he wouldn’t choose to). Lots of compromise I suppose but it works, we’re happy.

I suppose it feels secure, he’s my best friend.

MonkeyDoodles · 20/08/2023 20:09

I don't know either OP. Nobody has a perfect life all the time but taking on challenges and life stress is undoubtedly easier and much nicer with a partner. I do envy people who have that.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 20/08/2023 20:10

20 years in. Some times I am overcome with how much I love him/feel loved by him. Sometimes he gets on my tits and I know I can wind him up too. It is nice to know we have each others backs, that we are there to celebrate and commiserate together. I like to look back at our lives together and see what we have come through together: we have shared joys and utter heartbreak.

It isn’t all roses though. It is hard bloody work, and lots of compromise. We choose to show up for each other everyday, to make decisions which work best overall, rather than the ones that always work best for us as individuals. I’m not sure I’d do it for another man, but do hope I get to keep doing it with him.

VitaminNinja · 20/08/2023 20:12

It’s wonderful and I love him, feel very loved by him too. We squabble sometimes. It takes work, and compromise, and empathy, and choosing to love that person every day. It’s not a hard choice for me and I feel very lucky. But it definitely isn’t all sunshine and roses x

whatabeautifulwedding · 20/08/2023 20:12

It's a nice feeling of security in my opinion.

But depending on the person they can be really irritating and I sometimes think fondly of how peaceful my life was before partner and kids.

However, I'd feel lost if I was suddenly without him/them.