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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you what life is like when you are loved and in a relationship?

59 replies

OneDayIHopeItsGoingToBeMe · 20/08/2023 19:36

When someone chose you, you are sharing and building a life with someone, when people ask you if you have partner and you can say yes and they smile and nod, not being shamed for being single and feeling akward, when you have someone to buy a house with and decorate it, someone to spend holidays with, someone to say good morning and night to, someone who cares how you are, knows who you are, to take to weddings/parties/whatever, having ’our’ things, to be someone’s nro.1, who helps you when you are sick or just tired, who gets you and you give them gifgts/flowers/whatever, share life’s crap with….. list could go on forever….

What is that like?

OP posts:

ArcticBells · 20/08/2023 20:14

OP I've sought that kind of happiness al my life but it continues to allude me. I'm always on the outside looking in

TheCosyRain · 20/08/2023 20:16

What are your circumstances op?

whatabeautifulwedding · 20/08/2023 20:16

I often think it's not always about hearts and flowers, it's about companionship.
Do you have close friends or family who you spend a lot of time with?

Original poster

OneDayIHopeItsGoingToBeMe · 20/08/2023 20:16

ArcticBells · 20/08/2023 20:14

OP I've sought that kind of happiness al my life but it continues to allude me. I'm always on the outside looking in

Oh god, I know that feeling.
Sorry, you’re here too.

OP posts:

continentallentil · 20/08/2023 20:35

It’s got a lot of plus points and a lot of not plus points. Overall I think it worth it, but I don’t know that we’ll both feel that in a decade, because life changes.

And a lot of people do dump their partners OP.

I think it would be more constructive if you can say where you are and what you want, so this thread can be grounded in reality.

BlueKaftan · 20/08/2023 20:38

It’s great. We met when I was 41. I love the sense of security and knowing that we are life partners. No children.

BlueKaftan · 20/08/2023 20:39

But I was also single for 15 years before we met and so was he.

Nagado · 20/08/2023 20:40

If you’ve got the right person, it’s bloody lovely. Even the boring bits are good.

If you’ve got the wrong person, it can be truly awful and soul destroying.

Merryoldgoat · 20/08/2023 20:43

DH and I definitely don’t have a perfect relationship but it’s pretty brilliant generally and we make each other’s lives better.

We complement each other with strengths and weaknesses, we don’t compete with each other and we take equal responsibility for our family life.

I was knackered yesterday. I couldn’t sleep and basically needed to sleep until midday.

I came down apologetically and was simply asked how I was, given tea and he’d done the boys lunch.

not a big deal. We just are a team.

it’s better to be alone than be with someone who makes life harder or more difficult.

LaMaG · 20/08/2023 20:50

I'm married, 3 kids. Been together since late teens. Only yesterday I found myself having a frank discussion with an older woman (I'm 40s, she is 60s) who is divorced since around my age. I found myself feeling really jealous of her but she had to remind me that it's difficult to navigate life alone. She gets to eat when she wants, watch what she wants etc. I have to have a conversation about these things every fucking day multiple times and it's exhausting. I am never alone to process my thoughts, I hate sharing a room and not being able to be silent for a long period without being asked what's wrong etc. I would love to take a bath without having a conversation about it. It isn't about love for my partner just the daily grind of life. Sometimes I absolutely hate it and wonder if I was meant to be in a relationship at all. I Iove being alone, I crave it and its not an acceptable hobby, i cant just say Wednesday and Friday eve at 7pm no one is allowed speak to me. Unfortunately life is always 100% of whatever it is, you never get to be someone else for a day and I genuinely find it hard.

LemonLight · 20/08/2023 20:55

I don't know any other way to explain it than it's like you've found home or another piece of yourself. I'm very much in love with my DH and have spent a third of my life with him so I think that feeling grows over time.

Michiru · 20/08/2023 21:00

Most of what you have asked you can get from many other sources that are not a romantic partner.

You can have someone to buy a house with and decorate it, someone to spend holidays with, someone who cares how you are, knows who you are, to take to weddings/parties/whatever, having ’our’ things you are sharing and building a life with someone, you give them gifgts/flowers/whatever, share life’s crap with with very good friends, mostly.

You can have someone to say good morning and night to, someone who cares how you are, to be someone’s nr.1 with dogs or children (you don't need a partner for the latter).

As for people ask you if you have partner and you can say yes and they smile and nod, not being shamed for being single and feeling akward you can tackle that by breaking convention and buying yourself a nice ring to go on your finger and if that doesn't help telling people that it's none of their business is a good alternative.

Romantic love provides a feeling of belonging and it provides sex, but both tend to become less over the years. Other people, even the ones we adore, are annoying to live with full-time. You're not less for not having a partner.

User63847484848 · 20/08/2023 21:04

I was married for 17 years and don’t know what that’s like. I hope to find it some day.

yes someone to buy a house with - but didn’t get an equal say in it
yes someone to decorate with - but wasn’t allowed to have an opinion and had to pick my moments to ask about house maintenance jobs that needed doing as didn’t have equal access to money
didnt feel cared for or seen
yes someone to go to weddings with but worried what he would say that was rude or inappropriate, or worried about him being in a mood

Southwestten · 20/08/2023 21:05

My dh of 25 years is perfect in every way. He is kind, capable, hard working and I feel completely safe with him. When I was very ill he was a saint and although I know he was worried he never let on and remained calm and kept the dc calm.
We’ve only had one argument and that was during a mid-life crisis (at least I presume that’s what it was) when he said he was buying a motorbike.

Seaswimmingforthesoul · 20/08/2023 21:06

It's wonderful. There are boring days and difficult days, but fundamentally you know you always have your person walking your path with you. I never question our relationship, I feel totally supported, loved, I don't question if its right, I know it is. We laugh every day, we cuddle and kiss every day. We are a true partnership.
We have gone through so so much together over the years, some of the worst things you could imagine, but it has just made us stronger.
It makes me sad when people say 'oh it goes away after a while, and it's boring'. It doesn't have to be, and it isn't if you're with the right person. My DH is my world, and our DC are a wonderful extention of our love ❤️

inloveandmarried · 20/08/2023 21:07

I went from being in an unhappy relationship for many decades to being cherished.

I'm now remarried and It's bliss.

LaMaG · 20/08/2023 21:08

That's definitely a mid life crisis @Southwestten 😁mine came home with an electric guitar one day and i just looked at him and said well it's cheaper than a motorbike!!

Southwestten · 20/08/2023 21:11

LaMaG · Today 21:08
That's definitely a mid life crisis @Southwestten 😁mine came home with an electric guitar one day and i just looked at him and said well it's cheaper than a motorbike.

hahaha - does he still play the guitar or is it like our juicer and bread maker which were used twice, sat around in the kitchen inactive for a few months and then were removed to the attic?

kiki22 · 20/08/2023 21:12

I'm in a happy relationship loved and cared for but there is also so much compromise that it's not always as easy as being single.

It's not a magic happy button and your suddenly delighted when you both want a different mattress so someones got to go without. Or when they are grumpy but so are you and you don't feel so loved up and just want them to leave you alone.

Being single has so many advantages that coupled up people even the really happy ones miss. The grass is never greener.

whirlyhead · 20/08/2023 21:14

20+ years here and we get on fine and have a great relationship mostly because we like each other still and make each other laugh.

it’s not idyllic, we’ve had a lot of hardship and problems and times when we have wanted to kill each other. We have a lot of time apart as we are happier that way. I never wanted a relationship where we needed to do everything together.

the best thing we did, and the best decision I’ve made in my life, is not to have kids.

Twattergy · 20/08/2023 21:27

Its a privilege to experience being loved and part of a serious adult relationship OP. But like most of life it has its positives and negatives. Ultimately we spend a lot of our adult lives trying to recreate that sense of belonging and love that we might have been lucky enough to experience as children in a family unit. So I can see why you'd be sad not to have experienced it yet because it is a basic human urge/need. I hope that you do get the chance to experience it OP.

PurpleButterflyWings · 20/08/2023 21:46

It is amazing @OneDayIHopeItsGoingToBeMe It's the best life being loved and cared for by your partner/husband or wife... And loving them back... I have been with my DH over 35 years and married for over 30 years..... 2 adult children - left home now...

It's lovely to have someone to chat to, someone to share a bottle of wine with in the evening while you watch a film, someone to share life's burdens and woes with, someone to play games and sports with, someone to go on walks by the river and in the woodlands with, someone to share life's successes with, someone to raise a family with, someone to socialise with, someone to share financial burdens with, someone to fight in your corner, someone to care for you when you're ill, someone to go on holidays and day trips with, someone to laugh with, someone to cry with, someone to go out to dinner with or just share a maccie d's with, someone to grow old with, someone to love, and someone to love you back.

We do have our own individual friends and individual hobbies, and do some stuff away from each other. It's healthy to spend some time apart, and makes you appreciate the time together - when you come back together at home.

I'm just really sorry you have never had this, and you crave it so much. And I'm sorry for a few others on this thread who have clearly never experienced being in love either. It's amazing. Being married is wonderful, being in a couple is brilliant, and being in love is the best. I would not switch places with a person who is single for all the tea in China.

As a few posters have said, it's the warmth and security, having someone to share life's trials and tribulations with, and knowing you have someone to fight in your corner that are some of best things.... Like others we have had our ups and downs - more ups I have to say - and on the whole it's been a wonderful life with him.

I hope you find your special person one day, soon.

caringcarer · 21/08/2023 00:42

I've been married to my dh for 18 years now. He brings me tea in bed every morning. He adores me and it shows in everything he does. He makes me feel really special. He always puts me first, asks if I want anything and text me everyday. He is my world and I'd do almost anything for him. We can chat about absolutely anything. We agree on the important things in life. We really enjoy doing things and spending time together. We both have hobbies and interests of our own but do spend a lot of time together and love a weekend break away without DC.

NewName122 · 21/08/2023 00:53

It's great. Exciting every day.

TheThinkingGoblin · 21/08/2023 01:10

Put it this way,

If you can survive the first 2 years of having children, I would say you have a good chance of surviving as a couple long-term.

Happiness is a tough one to mark because all marriages (and partnerships) will ebb and flow over time (anybody who says otherwise is flat out lying).

It really, really helps if you have decent levels of emotional intelligence (on both sides). That tends to make things better in the long run (which would usually correlate to happier).

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