Debt

[Mummy2223]

Hello
I posted a few weeks ago but again just want to check in. So my husband has been using credit cards he racked up 15 000 or so he said ( I know it be more now). He said it had gone on us and the children. He needed it whilst I was on maternity leave I Paid my share of the bills for 6 months and gave him all my statuary pay for the other 3 so we only had 3 months without. We got married during this time but I did contribute some towards this and checked in all the time about money for this he said it was fine, he has his own business so his income fluctuates to what he can take. I had no idea this amount was on credit cards. This wouldn't of totalled the £15,000 anyway. We borrowed £5 000 from my mum which I thought was for the wedding and that to my knowledge was it as we had paid most bits prior. This ended up on numerous cards with silly rates and he said it was me too and that he isnstuck with all this and it was spent on me. I consolidated them all into a loan in my name. Lower interest rate and share the monthly payments now.

I found out a few weeks ago after making it clear I wanted no more debt that he has since I consolidated at Christmas got another £20,000 possibly more this is loans and credit cards. I have asked so many times if he has anymore. He had more when I consolidated and lied saying that was it. He took a loan out 6 weeks after me consolidating he is now saying again its gone on bills ( I am back working so pay to the bills and kids). I have now separated and he is saying I am pathetic to want a divorce over this and no one else would that I spend all night thinking it over and coming up with different things in my head to what is true and that I only see it as black and white.

Am I right? I can't work out if I am over reacting I feel so confused as he seems to make me feel bad like this is my fault.

Thanks

Go through the credit and bank statements and get an exact understanding of what this has been spent on.

How can money be spent on you and the kids and you not know about it, why do you not know the exact income/outgoings?

Debt is a fact of life for most people. Lying about it, hiding it and getting into even more debt is not.
I wouldn't trust that it has gone on bills either. Unless you want this to be your life, I think your decision to separate was the only one available to you.
And I say this as someone who has about £13,000 in debt, but who's husband knows about every single bit of it and why it came about.

If he can’t be honest with you now, this will be a never ending cycle of events throughout your life.

You are not pathetic. You have sensibly protected yourself and your children.

I’m sorry you went through this in the first place but onwards and upwards. Starting again seems so daunting and you do understandably sometimes doubt your decision.

In reality and with the benefit of a bit of time to see clearly? The best decision you will probably ever make.

Definitely stay separated. It isn't normal to have so much unsecured debt run up without you both knowing about it and understanding where it came from. He hasn't come clean or shown remorse. Get out sooner rather than later. Some things are unforgivable.

Thank you for your reply. We do not have joint bank accounts. I have all the bills in my name and he transfers so much in a week for his share and I do the same. Apart from that it's all seperate. I ask when I need half of the money for the kids. He goes out a lot drinking and socialing where I stay with the kids and would nuchal rather take them on days out and buy them clothes than me.

Can he give you access to the statements?

I feel it’s important both adults in a relationship where money is shared have access and a full awareness of what money is being spent on.

I don’t understand how he has spent 20k on you and the kids and you didn’t realise? Is he lying and you feel he’s spent it on himself or did you just not question where the money was coming from when he was buying/paying?

This hasn't been spent on us, I have bought a new dryer as ours broke, I bought a new fridge freezer on maternity leave as ours broke I bought us a holiday in Feb which if I knew he was struggling would of not done and would of given him the money. I have my own job so he would not need to spend money on us. We haven't done anything to the house that would require money yet he has 4 lads holidays this year and new designer clothes, watches threw himself a birthday party which I said not to as it was at our house and I end up tidying it up but he did anyway. I take the children out on the weekend as he is out both days at the pub and through the week. I either buy or go half to kids clothes so it's very much not gone on us or has so that he can keep his lifestyle up. He has still managed to go out every weekend.

The first time around when I consolidated I thought maybe I have been naieve and not realised so I took it on and pay half now to that. After that he has got another £20,000 this is in 6 months and the first £5,000 loan was 6 weeks after I paid all the other debts off. I can ask him but he isn't the most forthcoming, he can get annoyed and it very much ends up my fault in it all

yet he has 4 lads holidays this year and new designer clothes, watches threw himself a birthday party. He has still managed to go out every weekend.

Bit of a tsunami feed there. Unless he is feckin Richard Branson then it is not a surprise he is in debt.

Despite his protestations, he has spent a chunking good lot of that debt on himself - if not most of it.

Champagne single man tastes. Tap water married man budget.

If he has another €20k built up in 6 months, he's living £40k a year above his means.

Give it 5 years and it'll be £200k, only for the fact he'll belong cut off before that.

Also, why is the consolidated loan in your sole name?

This is a serious one & you are right to seperate.

I consolidated them all into a loan in my name. Lower interest rate and share the monthly payments now.

Why on earth would you do this? What if he stops sending his half of the money???

In your shoes, I would leave too OP. You have given him every opportunity to be honest with you and have gone to great financial lengths (consolidating his debts in in your own name, no less!) to help him, but he is continuing to gaslight and lie to you about money. I wouldn't be able to trust him, and would constantly worry about being able to provide a stable home for the DC if you stayed together.

The fact that he is calling you "pathetic" for leaving him over his debts, shows that he isn't ready to take responsibility for, or face up to the reality of what a treacherous situation he has put your family in. He fucked up, you gave him the mother of all chances to put things right, but he fucked up again. HE is responsible for breaking up his family, not you, this is not your fault.

Whatever happens, don't put any more of his debt into your name.

Whatever happens, don't put any more of his debt into your name.

That. I hope to the big man you drew up some kind of agreement. He will no doubt try to squirm out of that.

If there's nothing to show for it and you're the one paying the bills it's either
A. Going up his nose
B. On the horses.
C. Another woman.

I'm so glad you've left him.

That is an absolutely shocking amount of debt to have built up in 6 months. He is living like someone on four times his salary and he will be heading for bankruptcy by this Christmas with interest rates rising as they are.

How sad this all gone on frivolous things. He sounds like he has real status issues that he's trying to address through debt. All of these things ( not the holidays and booze) will end up sold online for a fraction of the price he paid as he struggles to repay debts.

Don't argue with him. You don't need to defend your decision. He's shown he lives in cloud cuckoo land.

Do make sure you move to separate your financial records. You might want to add a note to your credit file. I wouldn't put it past this one to put some fraudulent applications in in your name. Likewise change any banking passwords and 'prompts' that he might know.

He's heading for destruction. You've saved him from taking you and the kids down with him.

You are not being unreasonable!! His continuous lies are!

So he’s just blatantly lying and gaslighting your and saying he’s spent it on you and the kids when he has spent it on himself? If so, that’s financial abuse. He also seems to have a very serious spending provoke but that’s not your problem to fix. Absolutely leave.

I left my first husband for many reasons, the main one being lies about money and debt. He'd run up credit cards and then take out loans to consolidate them, then max out the cards again. We ended up in serious debt after I'd taken the last lot of cards off him and cut them up. He simply reported them missing and maxed them out again. He was a big drinker and a smoker. I did neither.

You've done the right thing leaving. I ended up losing thousands as they were considered marital debts and I got screwed for half.

Sounds like gambling to me

Or other types of gambling.

Basically it’s going to be an addiction one way or the other.

Stay during, OP. Don’t let him drag you under.

Thank you all for your replies I can not tell you what it means to just bounce things off other people. Never did I think I would be seeking advice off others but after a conversation with him it all gets twisted and is somehow my fault. I find my self saying sorry. He has said he will be very bitter if I end it over this and he wouldn't of married me if he knew I would do this. I have had after all the good he has done, which he has but I have too and that doesn't excuse a wrong and certainly isn't a green light to go do something like this. I just end up confused and doubting myself and how I feel.

Its nice to get an outside opinion. He has his own business so has said he can pay the loans off he wanted but then why would he of needed them and why hasn't he? Another lie. Its just the lies more than the money.

Thank you all for this. You have given me a new strength. I do probably feel like was said there is some gaslighting its just hard to see it when it's you.

My partner had similar issues, resulting in him stealing from me, almost losing our home and him being declared bankrupt. The stress it caused was unbelievable and I sincerely wish I'd got out of the relationship at a much earlier stage.
I put the mortgage entirely in my name to secure a house over our heads. People with debt issues like this are totally incorrigible and you have to protect yourself and your family.I remember being on my way to an important meeting and being phoned by a loan company who wanted me, on his advice, to take out a secondary loan on the house. The lack of trust was unforgivable and I never knew what he would do next.

Write down everything you can think of that he's spent on himself.

Then everything he's spent on you and your children (other than household bills, which are part his too).

I'll bet his own spend is way more. He's using you to fund his champagne lifestyle on a beer budget and doesn't want to lose his ATM (you)

He wouldn't have married you if he knew you'd leave him after he lied and gaslit you and risked your home while you made it so easy for him to tell you the extent of his debt and were willing to help him so much so that you put the debt in your name?!?

How about you wouldn't have married him if you'd known how manipulative he was, how much he would lie to you, how he would continue to borrow money and refuse to face up to the issues he's created?!

I really hate that he's trying to turn this around on you @Mummy2223, none of this is your fault.

How much debt do you think there is overall?

Have you (both if you) repaid mum?

So it's the consolidation debt, the £20k and anything else he's hiding.

What are his plans to pay off?

Are you still living together? Do you own the home?

I’d worry about what else he’s hiding. I’d also be making damn sure he hasn’t applied for stuff in my name.

Either way this isn’t something I’d come back from. I was almost bankrupted by a partner once. It wasn’t just the debt, it was the hidden stuff and the lies. His 20k debt went to 40k and then when everything was uncovered it was actually nearer to 100k. His father ended up paying it off but not before I’d killed myself trying to keep a roof over our heads and lived on beans and rice and threadbare clothes for nearly 18 months. He thought all his christmases had come at once. I ended up leaving. He’s wracked up even more debt now or so I hear. They never learn.