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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If someone in a relationship is showing some sort of interest…

59 replies

NoOnePutARingOnIt · 20/08/2023 15:43

Can you go ahead - is it really wrong if he wants out of his current?

This guy from work seems somewhat interested - always finding reasons to talk to me, get my number etc. I’m the only one he does this to, everyone else he keeps it short and brief. I think there’s mutual attraction. Maybe he’s not happy with his current partner and is looking for an out. If a guy seems like he wants an out is it still BU?

I need to know because I really don’t want to be the source of drama. This isn’t usually me but at the same time I’m realising that not all relationships begin with a fairytale and sometimes people realise that they’re with the wrong person and meet someone who suits them better down the line.

I don’t know how unreasonable I am being at this time and I’m not sure there’s anyone I can discuss this with in my personal life. I don’t have very close female friends. His looks, height, education, career, humour, personality - all my complete type Confused

Can someone please tell me what to do before I embarrass myself in real life. I feel embarrassed even asking this tbh.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 20/08/2023 16:54

So you work together? A wise person once told me "Never shit where you eat". In other words, do NOTHING in the workplace that may have repercussions later. I was just lucky that the man I dated definitely was single, but it was still humiliating when he dumped me and soon after started dating another woman, especially since I had to see him every damned day afterwards.

Avoid this man as much as you can. If he makes a 'direct approach', simply say "I don't date married men/men in relationships. Please don't ask me out/say things like that again". If he plays the 'sympathy card' (I'm unhappy, she's a bitch, we're only together for the kids, etc) simply say "But you ARE still together. Leave me alone". Don't say 'leading things' like 'call me when you're single' or similar, don't let him think you're at all interested. He needs to get his shit together and decide what he wants for his life all by himself.

If he truly gets himself free and approaches you then, feel free to accept. But be sure he IS free and it's not "We're separated but living in the same house".

Kpcs · 20/08/2023 17:22

If he was that unhappy he would have already left. Also would you really want to start something with someone who is already attached? You’d never be able to trust him.

GalileoHumpkins · 20/08/2023 17:25

Will you be ok with him doing this with someone else when he wants an out from you?

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 20/08/2023 17:32

Go ahead, you'll lose him the same way you found him and you'll deserve everything you get. I personally wouldn't lower myself to be a man's bit on the side but you obviously would so crack on.

sodthesodoff · 20/08/2023 17:37

Ah he ticks all the boxes. Height. Age. Cheating wanker

Why not? You sound suited for each other.

Mind how you go now as he'll do the same to you.

blacksax · 20/08/2023 17:39

NoOnePutARingOnIt · 20/08/2023 16:08

Some people are being very harsh on me, I haven’t even done anything. He’s the one who keeps talking to me and going out of his way to be around me

I haven't even done anything. No, but you are thinking about it.

You are literally asking in your OP whether it would be okay to go ahead and start a relationship with someone who is still attached to somebody else. You don't even know whether he 'wants out' of his current relationship, you're just imagining that he might, in order to justify it to yourself.

The unanimous response to your question has been that is a terrible idea.

Mistymist · 20/08/2023 17:41

If someone in a relationship is showing some sort of interest, you mind your own business. He doesn't need you to save him from his "unhappy relationship".

He tries it with you because you allow him to. Is that the kind of man you want to have in your life, a two-faced attention-seeking idiot?

DeeCeeCherry · 20/08/2023 17:45

You are unprofessional. & A complete mug. But if you want to be a clown go ahead, can't see why you need to ask other women about it.

hungrycaterpilla22 · 20/08/2023 18:00

NoOnePutARingOnIt · 20/08/2023 16:08

Some people are being very harsh on me, I haven’t even done anything. He’s the one who keeps talking to me and going out of his way to be around me

You're thinking about it though.

If you're happy to be a side piece and be labelled a home wrecker than crack on. Or you can do the sensible, mature thing and wait to see if he becomes single.

People are being harsh because you're acting like a mug.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 20/08/2023 18:30

Having an affair with a colleague is a great way to throw your career away.

Hiddenvoice · 20/08/2023 18:52

Op I understand you’ve not done anything wrong but perhaps considering it is wrong in the first place . Do you want to be the reason he splits up with his partner? Do you want to be the reason someone is upset? Of course not all relationships have fairytale beginnings but is this how you would want to start a relationship? How could you trust him, knowing that if he’s fed up he will look elsewhere and cheat? anytime you have an argument you would then start questioning who he is with and who he has been chatting too.

A lot of people meet someone new when they are in a relationship, it does happen but the good people end their current relationship before embarking on a new one. They tell their partner they don’t feel the same anymore and they take some time to think another what they actually want.

He’s gone out his way to chat to you etc. Sorry to say this but from experience I imagine he’s looking for more of a hook up than a new relationship and he’ll probably stay in his current relationship too.

SoShallINever · 20/08/2023 18:56

I could have no respect for a man who behaved like this behind his wife's back, I'd also tell him that.

BennyBlancofromtheBronx · 20/08/2023 18:57

Has he actually said to you that he's unhappy in his relationship and wants to be with you?

Didimum · 20/08/2023 19:00

Life might not be a fairy tale but you don’t just get to fuck another person over because you don’t know them. And you can and should demand men aren’t cheating scumbags.

XenoBitch · 20/08/2023 20:25

No. Don't even go there. He is not single, so therefore should not be even registering on your radar. Don't be the OW.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/08/2023 20:46

NoOnePutARingOnIt · 20/08/2023 16:08

Some people are being very harsh on me, I haven’t even done anything. He’s the one who keeps talking to me and going out of his way to be around me

But he's not here asking for advice on if it's ok! If he were he'd be slaughtered a quick search for similar will show you!

A lot of people will say it's just for sex or an affair. Well he definitely wants sexual attention at least. An ego boost at least. He may want an affair.

There is also a chance that he'd leave you for her. It's called partner poaching. Men can be quite cowardly and do tend to line up next girlfriend quite often. Someone did this to me 10 years ago and everyone said he'll do the same to her and they're married with two kids now. I hear she keeps him on a tight leash! She's a nasty cow but she got what she wanted đŸ™„ lots of happy marriages so begin as affairs. So if you go for it you may well get a boyfriend but you'll get no sympathy here if it doesn't work and you get your heart broken!

Basically, it's not reasonable but you might not care. The fact that you are asking here shows you have at least a bit of a conscience though.

Read 'the script' if you search mums net. My wife doesn't understand me blah blah blah.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/08/2023 20:46

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 20/08/2023 17:32

Go ahead, you'll lose him the same way you found him and you'll deserve everything you get. I personally wouldn't lower myself to be a man's bit on the side but you obviously would so crack on.

I think as women we like to say this will happen but it often doesn't

Haruka · 20/08/2023 21:35

Forget the moralities of this for a second and think about the consequences for you before you start anything. Because on here we can all tell you how wrong it all is, but that will go in one ear and out the other, or make you defensive to the point you'll do it out of spite if you're anything like me.

You need to think about whether you're prepared to deal with all of the following:

  • people talking behind your back - they'll know, no matter how discreet you think you are, it shows, always
  • people judging you behind your back at work and in your friendship group
  • people being far nastier to you than him about this - it's a sad fact that women in an affair are always heartless bitches in the eyes of others while the men get far more of a free pass
  • the consequences of a woman scorned - she could make your life hell and she will be forgiven
  • the conflicting emotions he will feel - men aren't soulless pigs and he will feel guilty, feel some love for her and his emotions will likely flit between you
  • the direct comparison he will have between you and her, because he won't break up with her the secodn you two might start a date
  • the consequences of a breakup with someone you work with - statistically, more than 90% of initial relationships don't last, so how would it feel for you to see him even after that?
  • the consequences of "boys club" at work where your sex life can be discussed among men (yes, some do that, even in professional environments, "is she a good shag" type)

I'm sure there are more. Being the OW in that situation is not an easy path.

Hawkins009 · 20/08/2023 21:36

NoOnePutARingOnIt · 20/08/2023 15:43

Can you go ahead - is it really wrong if he wants out of his current?

This guy from work seems somewhat interested - always finding reasons to talk to me, get my number etc. I’m the only one he does this to, everyone else he keeps it short and brief. I think there’s mutual attraction. Maybe he’s not happy with his current partner and is looking for an out. If a guy seems like he wants an out is it still BU?

I need to know because I really don’t want to be the source of drama. This isn’t usually me but at the same time I’m realising that not all relationships begin with a fairytale and sometimes people realise that they’re with the wrong person and meet someone who suits them better down the line.

I don’t know how unreasonable I am being at this time and I’m not sure there’s anyone I can discuss this with in my personal life. I don’t have very close female friends. His looks, height, education, career, humour, personality - all my complete type Confused

Can someone please tell me what to do before I embarrass myself in real life. I feel embarrassed even asking this tbh.

Ask him for a coffee and see how you connect ?

Hawkins009 · 20/08/2023 21:38

Haruka · 20/08/2023 21:35

Forget the moralities of this for a second and think about the consequences for you before you start anything. Because on here we can all tell you how wrong it all is, but that will go in one ear and out the other, or make you defensive to the point you'll do it out of spite if you're anything like me.

You need to think about whether you're prepared to deal with all of the following:

  • people talking behind your back - they'll know, no matter how discreet you think you are, it shows, always
  • people judging you behind your back at work and in your friendship group
  • people being far nastier to you than him about this - it's a sad fact that women in an affair are always heartless bitches in the eyes of others while the men get far more of a free pass
  • the consequences of a woman scorned - she could make your life hell and she will be forgiven
  • the conflicting emotions he will feel - men aren't soulless pigs and he will feel guilty, feel some love for her and his emotions will likely flit between you
  • the direct comparison he will have between you and her, because he won't break up with her the secodn you two might start a date
  • the consequences of a breakup with someone you work with - statistically, more than 90% of initial relationships don't last, so how would it feel for you to see him even after that?
  • the consequences of "boys club" at work where your sex life can be discussed among men (yes, some do that, even in professional environments, "is she a good shag" type)

I'm sure there are more. Being the OW in that situation is not an easy path.

But surly there only applicable if the secret comes out?

Hawkins009 · 20/08/2023 21:38

Haruka · 20/08/2023 21:35

Forget the moralities of this for a second and think about the consequences for you before you start anything. Because on here we can all tell you how wrong it all is, but that will go in one ear and out the other, or make you defensive to the point you'll do it out of spite if you're anything like me.

You need to think about whether you're prepared to deal with all of the following:

  • people talking behind your back - they'll know, no matter how discreet you think you are, it shows, always
  • people judging you behind your back at work and in your friendship group
  • people being far nastier to you than him about this - it's a sad fact that women in an affair are always heartless bitches in the eyes of others while the men get far more of a free pass
  • the consequences of a woman scorned - she could make your life hell and she will be forgiven
  • the conflicting emotions he will feel - men aren't soulless pigs and he will feel guilty, feel some love for her and his emotions will likely flit between you
  • the direct comparison he will have between you and her, because he won't break up with her the secodn you two might start a date
  • the consequences of a breakup with someone you work with - statistically, more than 90% of initial relationships don't last, so how would it feel for you to see him even after that?
  • the consequences of "boys club" at work where your sex life can be discussed among men (yes, some do that, even in professional environments, "is she a good shag" type)

I'm sure there are more. Being the OW in that situation is not an easy path.

But surly there only applicable if the secret comes out?

Haruka · 20/08/2023 21:45

People always know. Whispers about the newest perceived affair have been going round offices in every place I worked in and hell was often to pay for women after they went official after what they deemed an appropriate time. At least those that didn't get spotted by accident when out and about.

People are probably already talking if the guy really is around the OP far more often than others.

Nagado · 20/08/2023 21:45

Can you go ahead - is it really wrong if he wants out of his current?

You can go ahead, but it’s a really shitty thing to do. And yes, it’s really wrong even if he wants to end his current relationship (although I bet you a king size Mars bar that he has no intention of leaving her), for so many reasons. It’s a shit thing to do, you will never fully trust him, your reputation at work will be damaged, he’s treating you and his partner with complete disrespect and, biggest of all, he is not a nice man.

You can do better than this specimen OP. Fuck him off.

Olika · 20/08/2023 21:52

Don't get involved with him until he is single.

nimski · 20/08/2023 21:54

YABVU. Grow up.