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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH so close to DS starting school?

31 replies

HonestToFrog · 20/08/2023 09:58

Little bit of background.
I have been with my DH for 13 years, married for 5. We’ve got 2 children, 4 and 21 months.
DH has always been a bit controlling but I felt like I could handle it. Until now.

He tracks my phone multiple times a day (I disabled it about a month ago),
He monitors what I spend through the joint account and how much I keep to myself.
He goes through my phone (recently woke me up in the middle of the night to confront me about something I said to my sister via WhatsApp)
He monitors my comings and going’s via the doorbell.
Hes accused me of having an affair with my best friends partner (he never actually comes out and says what he wants to, just insinuates and then leaves you to fill in the blanks)
And just generally treats me poorly.

Yesterday we went out for a meal with friends and then to a local pub just a few one us. I’ve had a headache on and off for days. I took some paracetamol so I said I’d go home. He stayed at the pub with the one male friend. It takes me about 15 minutes to walk home. This time, because I wasn’t feeling great it took me just over 20 minutes. He timed me. And when it got to 15 minutes, he started calling me and texting to ask why it was taking me so long. When I answered the calls he didn’t speak, just wanted to see if I’d actually answer him. He has also accessed the doorbell 6 times to see if I was home. He then said there was a bloke I used to go to school with at the pub who left the same time I did and insinuated that I’d spent time with him. I hadnt spoken to him, nor even noticed he was there.

Ive had enough and I want to leave. But our son is starting school in September and I don’t want to completely upheave his life. But I also can’t stay here for much longer.

Has anyone else left at similar timings?
Or has anyone been through anything similar and regretted it or was it the best thing you’ve ever done?

TIA

OP posts:
Sirzy · 20/08/2023 10:01

There will never be an ideal time really, if you put it off this time then you will wait til after Christmas, after a birthday etc etc.

get the wheels in motion now. Good luck

Bluevelvetsofa · 20/08/2023 10:07

Do you have somewhere to go?
Presumably DS has a place at a local school. Would he be able to take up the place if you lived somewhere else?

I don’t think it’s sustainable to live under that kind of scrutiny and even if you don’t go immediately, I’d be putting things in place to get out as soon as you can. Are you working and able to manage financially?

billy1966 · 20/08/2023 10:10

This is coercive control and 100% a crime.

This domestic abuse.

You need to call Womens aid urgently for help.

Ask about legal aid.

If you report domestic abuse I think you are entitled to free legal aid, which would be helpful.

Take this very seriously.

He is a bad man and you do not have to accept this.

Forget about school.

The priority is for you to get away.

Reach out to family and friends.

Assemble copies of payroll, pensions etc.

Move stuff of personal value out of the house quietly.

We are here for you.

Bookish88 · 20/08/2023 10:16

Sirzy · 20/08/2023 10:01

There will never be an ideal time really, if you put it off this time then you will wait til after Christmas, after a birthday etc etc.

get the wheels in motion now. Good luck

This. Just do it OP, life is too short. In the long run, your DS will be better off.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/08/2023 10:23

Your son is not in the middle of alevels- I wouldn’t worry about the upheaval

Conkersinautumn · 20/08/2023 10:29

I got.my ex to.leave days before my eldest started. It was so much better to relax and enjoy her growth than tiptoeing over eggshells. Genuinely my children didn't ask where he was staying for over 2 weeks. Genuinely will be a happier home without that sort of pressure

Sunflowersinthewind · 20/08/2023 10:31

Leave, your relationship is doing more damage to your son that splitting up before he starts school

Zanatdy · 20/08/2023 10:34

good Lord, please leave. Your DC will cope.

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 10:37

This is coercive control abuse.

When i first opened this i thought you were going to share general grievances and unhappiness in the relationship in which case i would personally hold on until son is settled in school but this is an abusive relationship and your relationship will be harming your son. Leave asap.

Original poster
HonestToFrog · 20/08/2023 19:29

Thank you everyone.

We could stay with my parents for the short term. But I’m worried about him letting me take the kids. I don’t think he’d just let me walk out with them and it would end up being traumatic for them.
We own our house, but I’m almost certain he wouldn’t leave if i tried to kick him out.

Ive been tempted to talk to women’s aid in the past but I don’t want them to think I’m wasting their time and being dramatic.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 21/08/2023 00:56

You would definitely NOT be wasting their time.

You are the very definition of what they are there for.

This is very serious abusive.

This is 100% a crime.

The crime of coercive control.

Walk in to snh police station and ask to speak to an officer about domestic abuse and coercive control and you will be taken very seriously.

Please reach out for help and get free legal aid which might make it easier to get him to leave the house.

grumpycow1 · 21/08/2023 01:04

Please be safe, he sounds dangerous. This is the type of behaviour that can only escalate potentially to violence or worse. Don’t mean to scare you :( Please speak to Women’s Aid and keep it very quiet, if he feels you’re leaving he might ramp it up. Have you told your parents?

back to your question, kids are very adaptable and they are still so young. Your DS will be worse off in this type of environment.

purplebluediscorain · 21/08/2023 05:39

Please leave and fast,

if you have evidence or even if you don’t you can refer yourself to womens aid, Childrens services, refuges and they will all be of help.

this kind of behaviour will ruin your children and for what it’s worth you need to go asap. Is there a back garden anything that he can’t see? So you could get someone to park and you empty it of yours and your childrens belongings? Which includes all important documents. You can’t leave the normal way I.e sit him down and tell him. It’ll get worse for you and your children but you need to speak up and get out. Men like this usually are only bothered about their children because it’s a form of control on the mother.

you can do this and and we are all behind you!!

Nat6999 · 21/08/2023 05:42

Does he go to work? If he does, I would pack & leave while he is working. Do you have a big male relative who could be there while you are leaving just in case he turns up? First thing once you have left, change your phone or do a factory reset so he can't track you. Could you disable to doorbell or "arrange" for it to be either stolen or broken? It is definitely coercive control, speak to Women's Aid but if you ring before you leave, make sure you delete the call from your phone.

renthead · 21/08/2023 05:46

I feel genuinely very worried for you, OP. This is abuse. I agree, please leave with your children while he is at work. You can do this!

newtoallthisshizzle · 21/08/2023 05:55

billy1966 · 20/08/2023 10:10

This is coercive control and 100% a crime.

This domestic abuse.

You need to call Womens aid urgently for help.

Ask about legal aid.

If you report domestic abuse I think you are entitled to free legal aid, which would be helpful.

Take this very seriously.

He is a bad man and you do not have to accept this.

Forget about school.

The priority is for you to get away.

Reach out to family and friends.

Assemble copies of payroll, pensions etc.

Move stuff of personal value out of the house quietly.

We are here for you.

Absolutely this 100%
you need to get out ASAP

Pompom2367 · 21/08/2023 05:56

Leave now op this behaviour is dangerous

DongsOfPraise · 21/08/2023 06:06

HonestToFrog · 20/08/2023 19:29

Thank you everyone.

We could stay with my parents for the short term. But I’m worried about him letting me take the kids. I don’t think he’d just let me walk out with them and it would end up being traumatic for them.
We own our house, but I’m almost certain he wouldn’t leave if i tried to kick him out.

Ive been tempted to talk to women’s aid in the past but I don’t want them to think I’m wasting their time and being dramatic.

I had the same fear, and it’s not unfounded with abusive partners. Best advice I can give you, that women’s aid gave me: leave when he isn’t there. Pick a time, pack your important stuff first (passports, birth certificates, medication, red books, anything related to your bank and marriage, children’s comforters) and leave. It’s the safest, least distressing way.

I really feel for you and your children. Get advice, both legal and from women’s aid on how to deal with him going forward. He will no doubt be vile but you are doing the right thing leaving with your kids. When its safe to, try and keep a record of every single example of his controlling and abusive behaviour.

PostOpOp · 21/08/2023 06:36

What billy1966 said.

In addition wipe Mumsnet from your browser history (but not your whole browsing history) and make sure your password isn't saved on your phone/computer. He's accessing your phone so can check manually which websites you've been on, if he's not tracking that via a hidden app. Keystrokes can also be typed so be very careful with this. There's lots of advice by Refuge https://refugetechsafety.org/what-is-tech-abuse/ and information about safe browsing on this page https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/browse-safely which has a Quick Exit button that will take you to Google and delete the website from your browsing history too.

You can get more info and support at Refuge https://refuge.org.uk/ and call them.

Be aware that apps like WhatsApp can be monitored too. So be careful about all communications. I've been through this with a very close friend who lived abroad. We used to keep emailing and WhatsApping as normal, with no info about her leaving, so he didn't get suspicious.

To your question about school. Starting school is an important moment, but it's not as important to the long term outcomes of both of your children as getting out of an abusive household is. You're hesitating over school right now because you're prioritising your child over your emotional safety. You're doing that because you've been conditioned slowly into accepting lots of your DH's behaviour as normal, or not as bad as being hit. It's at least as bad, if a comparison needs to be made.

So don't worry right now about school. School will be ok in the end. Focus on getting out - safely. Leave your children with your parents/mum together with any financial documents, passports etc and go back to get your things ideally with someone male who is strong/big, or your dad. Alternatively tell the police before you go back to get your things and maybe they can come or they can put a marker on your number in case you need to call either then or later.

There are options here. But you absolutely need to prioritise your safety now. If you think this is overreacting then humour me. Worst case scenario is he doesn't care you've left and nothing happens, he agrees to divorce and you'll have put a safety net around you for nothing. Right?

And don't forget your browser and Mumsnet password.

MotorwayDiva · 21/08/2023 06:43

Go to a friends or you parents and speak to women's aid.
His behaviour isn't normal
As for effect on starting school reception is all about playing and probably no better time as he will be immersed making new friends and a new environment that he will be less aware of home issues.

loveloveloveme · 23/08/2023 02:37

@HonestToFrog how are you doing? X

mathanxiety · 23/08/2023 02:44

The right time to leave this creepy and dangerous abuser is the minute you are able to, and not a second later. LEAVE ASAP.

Call Women's Aid. Make a plan. WA has advice on covering your tracks online.
0808 2000 247

Make sure you log out of MN every time you knave the site, and change your password frequently.

mathanxiety · 23/08/2023 02:49

Once you have left for your own safety and to escape rhe intolerable coercive control, you can get an occupation order allowing you to live in the house with the children if that's what you want, or you can petition the family court for the house to be sold and the equity divided between you and H. Or he can be ordered to buy you out if he wants to stay there, pay the mortgage, etc.

You need to get some good legal advice. He can indeed be kicked out of the house, and the house can be disposed of to benefit you and the children.

Weatherwax13 · 23/08/2023 03:30

Tell your family.
Leave while he's out and have somebody with you as you do so.
Your DC will be ok. There will never be an "ideal" time to do this.
Whilst you make your plan, delete anything he could find on your search history that would alert him.

Aprilx · 23/08/2023 04:29

HonestToFrog · 20/08/2023 19:29

Thank you everyone.

We could stay with my parents for the short term. But I’m worried about him letting me take the kids. I don’t think he’d just let me walk out with them and it would end up being traumatic for them.
We own our house, but I’m almost certain he wouldn’t leave if i tried to kick him out.

Ive been tempted to talk to women’s aid in the past but I don’t want them to think I’m wasting their time and being dramatic.

You need to leave with them when he is out. You don’t tell him you are going because he sounds dangerous.

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