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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unacceptable in a "marriage"?

38 replies

BibiThree · 29/02/2008 11:47

Now I know I'm being a sticky beak, which is why I'm posting on here instead of talking to friend about it, but hearing what I did this morning has made me feel v v sad.

Friend and husband have been married 7 years, trying for a baby since then, but with no luck. They don't make a big deal of it, just keep trying, but she has recently been confiding in me that it's getting to the point where it's becoming a big (yet unspoken) issue in the marriage that they're not pg yet.

I asked her if it was time they went for tests or even spoke to a Dr about it and she said no, she can't go to the Dr. They're going to wait it out and hope it happens naturally. I pointed out they'd done that for 7 years already to which she replied
"If I can't give him children then that'll be a deal breaker for our marriage"

I was but she seems pretty resigned to it. So to me he's basically saying he wants her for her ability to reproduce!

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 29/02/2008 11:50

Why on earth won't she go to the Doctor?
Seems to me he's blaming her when it could just as easily be his 'fault'.

To be honest if she won't go then I think she's being silly.

I can understand why people might leave a marriage because their partner can't have childre though.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 29/02/2008 11:52

It could turn out that it is his problem. To be fair, he has stayed for 7 years so it can't be that big a deal breaker as most men wouldn't wait that long.

I would suggest she goes to the GP otherwise they could find themselves running out of time and they could end up splitting anyway and he goes off and maybe has babies with someone else. What does she do then?

kayzisbroody · 29/02/2008 11:55

I dont understand why they wont go to the GP.
If its a make or break thing to have children surely they would have been at the GP years ago.

Elffriend · 29/02/2008 11:56

Lot of assumptions seem to be being made here. If this is the only insight you have been given then you may well be being very harsh on the DH - strikes me you have no idea what he's "saying".

It's an unspoken issue in their marriage?
She can't go to a doctor?
She thinks this might end the marriage?

So maybe she's secretly popping conctracpetives and hoping he'll leave.

1+1=5

Original poster
BibiThree · 29/02/2008 11:59

Nothing is his fault iykwim. I don't think he's absolutely desperate for a baby at this very minute, but he's in love with the 1950s ideal of little wifey and children (seen but not heard) at home while he brings home the bacon. It simply will not be found to be his problem because he'll not go for tests I don't think.
I'm just so sad and annoyed she doesn't believe he'll love her unless she can have his babies.

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 29/02/2008 11:59

Hmm, I dont know really.

I would find it hard to accept that I would never have children and to me, no mtter how happy we were as a couple, I'd seriously have to think about moving on if he couldn't have kids.

But your friends DH is being rather presumptious in thinking the problem lies with her.

bruhaha · 29/02/2008 12:02

I don't understand how someone could leave their partner because they cannot give them children. I think it's unacceptable - you do not marry someone for their fertility.

Your friend should go to the doctor - it might be his problem. How would he feel if she left him because he was infertile.

Original poster
BibiThree · 29/02/2008 12:03

She says it's "unspoken" in that he'll refer to their lack of success all the time and says how much he wants children but if she tries to discuss it further he clams up and won't discuss their options. He won't let her use ovulation sticks even, as he thinks that's too "clinical".
She "can't" go to Dr, meaning she's afraid to.

OP posts:
Bubbaluv · 29/02/2008 12:05

It's a bit silly to be complaining about the situation while doing nothing about it IMO. If she wants her marriage to last then she should go to the doctor and start a process to help the situation or otherwise at least admit that she either doesn't really want children or doesn't really want her DH!

Original poster
BibiThree · 29/02/2008 12:06

No, I don't really know what is said behind closed doors, or what his real intentions are, of course I don't. I only know what friend is telling me and posting how and how it makes me feel for her. I want to believe he loves her for more than that but if she doesn't think so, then ...

OP posts:
Elffriend · 29/02/2008 12:07

I repeat:

Off now - have a feeling this is going to turn into a silly thread.

Bubbaluv · 29/02/2008 12:10

Sounds more likely that she's depressed and is making assumptions about her dh. Otherwise why would sh not take the obvious step of seeking medical help?

moljam · 29/02/2008 12:10

very sad

Bubbaluv · 29/02/2008 12:10

When she said "I can't go to the doctor" did you not ask why?

beaniesteve · 29/02/2008 13:31

ok - he won't go for tests, but she can. At least then she would be able to say to him... it's not my problem!

Shaniece · 29/02/2008 16:03

We must have the same friend. My friend is 36 and been married for 5 years, they have been ttc for 5 years and nothing has happened. I have asked her why she refuses to see her GP and she replied "if it happens it happens and if it doesn't it's not meant to be " .

My friend is overweight, drinks likes a fish and smokes 40 fags a day so I'm guessing these factors are not helping and at 36, time is running out.

Elasticwoman · 29/02/2008 16:08

Some people don't really want to have children, Shaniece, but also don't want to admit it.

sdr · 29/02/2008 16:14

Elasticwoman has a good point - in a lot of families, you don't admit that as a couple you don't want children. I would just say that if she wants to go the the GP, you're there to hold her hand if she wants. Then leave it at that. She may be testing your initial reaction before opening up more. But all you can do is let her know that you're there.

beaniesteve · 29/02/2008 16:17

I guess some peope do think if it happens it happens. I am 38, and I have only just found someone who wants children. In my last relationship My OH was adament he didn't want them so I kept taking the pill even though I would have liked to have started a family. I didn't think it was fair on him to have an accident (And now I am glad we didn't) but now I am with someone who wants them I would be sad if I didn't. And I will get all the help I need from my GP but am not sure I would ever go down the IVF path mostly because of the cost and time factor.

I am happy to see how things go and if I don't have kids I know I won't die or anything but I will be sad for my Partner who wants kids.

ivykaty44 · 29/02/2008 16:20

You friend may also know in her heart if her d/p can't have children then she may also want to end the marriage. People have their own ways and time frame on dealing with issues. Sad as it may seems this is her marriage....

Wisteria · 29/02/2008 16:23

Your poor friend, I am in a similar situ - dp wants children and I'm not sure as have health issues (he doesn't have any - children), we had a mammoth row about me feeling as though our relationship was only valid if I have the ability/ predisposition to reproduce - which conversely has made me not want to - does that make sense?

The thing is, the urge to have a child is terribly strong in some people but it is ridiculous if they won't even go and see a GP - does make you wonder really - maybe he is too scared to go in case he is lacking in the swimmers dept....... the irony is, they may split and find other partners and he'll eventually realise he should have stuck with DW1 as children aren't possible (well that's what I said to DP )

Elasticwoman · 29/02/2008 18:07

Wisteria, not that it isn't lovely to hear your views, but why do you come on MN if you are neither a mother nor want to be one?

WallOfSilence · 29/02/2008 18:18

She does have children!!

Just not with this partner.

Elasticwoman · 29/02/2008 18:28

Oh I see. sorry Wisty.

FrayedKnot · 29/02/2008 18:41

It is very sad that your friend isn;t able to discuss it with her DH at all. It might be down to somthing really simple which could be sorted with a course of clomid or something...how awful would it be if they really both want children and it never happens and it turns out to be something quite straightforward...not that they'll ever know.

I would guess that an unspoken problem like this will eventually destroy their relationship anyway.

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