To think this is unacceptable in a "marriage"?

[BibiThree]

Now I know I'm being a sticky beak, which is why I'm posting on here instead of talking to friend about it, but hearing what I did this morning has made me feel v v sad.

Friend and husband have been married 7 years, trying for a baby since then, but with no luck. They don't make a big deal of it, just keep trying, but she has recently been confiding in me that it's getting to the point where it's becoming a big (yet unspoken) issue in the marriage that they're not pg yet.

I asked her if it was time they went for tests or even spoke to a Dr about it and she said no, she can't go to the Dr. They're going to wait it out and hope it happens naturally. I pointed out they'd done that for 7 years already to which she replied
"If I can't give him children then that'll be a deal breaker for our marriage"

I was but she seems pretty resigned to it. So to me he's basically saying he wants her for her ability to reproduce!

Sounds like they are both to stubborn to go to the GP because they are afraid of the outcome, i.e test results to see 'Who's' problem it is that is quite sad.

Thanks WoS - I suppose it could have come across as if I was childless - can I just say it's always worth clicking on someone's profile for a quick check first EW before saying potentially hurtful not to mention unnecessary things.

Luckily I have a fairly thick hide but for the record I would love to have more but it may leave me wheelchair bound so I am (I think understandably) a little more cautious these days.

I think the "if it happens it happens" attitude is actually a lot healthier than the state of obsession some TTC'ers get themselves into, where ttc, ovulation sticks and temp charting in order to have sex on the right day takes over ones life to the exclusion of everything else.

We have been ttc for nearly three years, and although we did both go to the gp and have initial tests, and dh was diagnosed with a low sperm count, I don't want to go down the road of invasive assisted conception, so I guess I am in the camp of "if it happens it happens". but I certainly resent the implication that I actually don't want any more children, because I would love to have more children, but I don't want that to take over my life.

so maybe your friend doesn't want to go to the gp because she doesn't feel she could go through IVF or similar in order to conceive.

They are not saying "if it happens, it happens". Apparently they are saying if it doesn't happen they will get a divorce, but they won't take even the most basic step to improve their chances.

Sounds a bit nuts to me.

He sounds fairly worrying, doesn't he, actually.

If it's a deal-breaker, she has to bring that into the open and point out they need professional advice, surely?

He may well be infertile not her and may be she could get pregnant by sperm donor. They should be talking about all these things really. I do know a lot of couples particularly who marry a little later in life late 30s, early 40s who are reasonably relaxed over babies, don't try if it doesn't work because they aren't too bothered either way as to whether or not they have children.

I think Elasticwoman meat BeanieSteve didn't she? I was wondering how you found yourself on Mumsnet when you don't have kids and aren't ttc or pregant? Not that it matters i'm just curious

no pf - think my post was slightly misleading to be fair!

I'm interested in those of you who say you would leave your partner if they couldn't have children (biologoically I assume) - so if you would deal with your parnters infertility by dumping them and finding someone else, how would you deal with it if it were your own infertility? Presumably you would have to find a way of dealing with it and living your life without children or finding another way to have children (sperm/egg donation, adoption, fostering). Interesting that you would give your parnter that option (its virtually impossible for a man to have children wihtout a willing partner much easier the other way around). I speak as one who has been in this position or at least very similar.

OP - this is a very unhealthy marriage, but that aside, many men don't like to clinical aspect of a planned conception - that's why they don't need to know all the details eg ovulation predictor kits, fertile days etc. Why issn;t she going to a GP and buying OPK's herself if thats what they both want.

"Interesting that you wouldn't give your partner that option"

maybe religious or philosophical ideals preven t them from having asissted conception?

but odd that she won;t go to the docs even though childlesness is a deal breaker..

I can understand that someone might not want assisted conception but seeing a GP = assisted conception is a big leap. evn simple things like certain vitmins which a gynae with experince can recommend can make a difference, clomid for PCOS etc there are lots of smaller things prior to assisted conception (I know some people might see clomid as assisted conception but practically its not)

maybe they view it as a slippery slope?

dunno, seems odd to me, but who knows what happens behind closed doors. and only have half a story