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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Being pressured to see MIL…

45 replies

JibJab2023 · 20/08/2023 08:33

Prefix that my Mental health isn’t brilliant at the moment due to peri menopause and trying to get HRT dose right so mindful I may be over sensitive.
Very grateful that I have a really lovely MIL that I get on well with. She lives locally and helps out with the children for school pick up 2 days a week (my mum does also) which we are so grateful. We have them round once a month and buy them or make them a meal as a small gesture to say thanks. I work full time and have 2 young kids with a house that we are doing up so don’t have much spare time. I have a few great friends but seeing them often is tricky time wise.
My gripe is that DH plays golf and every time he plays golf with FIL or the 2 of them go away, they really pressure me to see MIL, even when I’ve made plans with my family or friends already. I also really like my own company and my job is a very demanding sales job so I like having time at weekend not being constantly demanded upon (obvs besides the kids 😂 ). FIL orchestrated (without knowing) her coming over early on a Sunday and I was upstairs in shower. She let herself in after I didn’t answer (she only has the key as she occasionally has our dog so picks him up) - I felt like that was over the line. She’s in her seventies but in great health, can drive, and has friends and sisters she sees. It’s almost every weekend now hubby hints i should I see his mum even though when we have a clear weekend he often doesn’t want to go and see her himself. AIBU that it winds me up that DH/FIL keeps trying to orchestrate meeting up with her when I have plans and/or tight on time, or quite frankly want to sit on the sofa stuffing my face watching the Kardashian’s! It’s happened again this morning but I literally saw her 12 hours ago (Saturday) so it’s not like we don’t see each other. I know this is petty but for some reason it’s impacting my mental health. Just a side note that he never goes round to either of my parents on his own and I wouldn’t expect him to ‘baby sit’ my parents. AIBU?

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 20/08/2023 08:34

No, she is their responsibility, not yours. Just say that you’re not babysitting her while they are off enjoying themselves.

ZekeZeke · 20/08/2023 08:37

You have a Dh Problem.
You sit down, get his golf diary for the week month and make it crystal clear he sorts MIL entertainment. Not You.

SquishyGloopyBum · 20/08/2023 08:38

This would infuriate me. I'd be having words with your H.

How would he feel if you arranged to go out all weekend with your mum and you organised your dad to spend time with your H? I'm guessing he wouldn't.

Totaly · 20/08/2023 08:39

I would ask you DH why he thinks he can steal your time? If that doesn’t work - why not speak to your mum and have her come round for tea when you are out? I’m sure she wouldn’t mind you asking to ‘help you out’

cruffinsmuffin · 20/08/2023 08:39

This is a DH / FIL issue!! They're potentially feeling guilty about going off golfing and leaving MIL to her own devices so are pushing this onto you so they don't have to think about it.

YANBU! You can love your MIL, but enjoy spending time with people you already have plans with or just spending time doing your own thing. I don't take responsibility for my MIL in a similar situation, I occasionally will pop in for a cup of tea but I love spending my time when they're off golfing doing my own thing!

JMSA · 20/08/2023 08:43

DustyLee123 · 20/08/2023 08:34

No, she is their responsibility, not yours. Just say that you’re not babysitting her while they are off enjoying themselves.

But they're happy enough to let her babysit their children.

Funny that ...

Thisbastardcomputer · 20/08/2023 08:46

I'm sincerely glad I'm no longer anyone's mother in law, you can't win.

romdowa · 20/08/2023 08:46

When she comes round just do what you want. Stick on crap TV and chill out? Tell her straight that you had no idea she was coming and she'll just have to slot into your plans.

Totaly · 20/08/2023 08:49

She may think she’s been invited or they may have told her you need ‘help’ with the children - so those saying it’s a MIL May not have the full info.

Howyiz · 20/08/2023 08:49

So tell your mil that it has been lovely seeing her this morning but you have plans so she'll need to head home.
Explain that your dh isn't always aware of your plans so vest to check with you before she comes over.
Then rip your dh a new one when he gets home

Marmalady75 · 20/08/2023 08:51

Find out when he next has golf planned and beat him out the door or arrange to stay away or book tickets for something for just you and the kids so when she lets herself in it’s to an empty house. I’m sure she is lovely, but your time shouldn’t be organised by your dh/fil.

WtfHormones · 20/08/2023 08:51

This is a DH controlling problem not a MIL one. You need to make it clear to him that what he is doing is taking control of your time. He shouldn't be arranging anything for you. Your time is just that your time. He can ask you things but not impose his plans on you.

Gerrataere · 20/08/2023 08:56

Thisbastardcomputer · 20/08/2023 08:46

I'm sincerely glad I'm no longer anyone's mother in law, you can't win.

You call imposing yourself on someone every weekend without consideration of their spare time some sort of win? The op can’t even go see her own family because her husband and in-laws believe her time is better spent sat with her mil, it’s rude and unfair.

Wheresthebloomingsummersunshine · 20/08/2023 08:58

Why is FIL and DH golf guilt your problem? Surely she has friends she likes to visit or have round to her house, or maybe enjoy time on her own whilst they're out for the day? Why do they drop her off with you? Tbh you see family a lot each week anyway - what on earth do you talk about?!

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 20/08/2023 09:01

I would make a bit of a show of being confused as to why she is there. Let her know you have plans and are going out in a bit. I would spend an hour with her, have a cup of tea while you get a couple of jobs done then say how lovely it was to catch up and either usher her out the door or drive her home. If she won’t leave I would just go out for a few hours and leave her there. She will realise her son and dh have dumped her on you and will hopefully not turn up every week. If you entertain her you will have to do this every time they play golf.

I would tell them no it’s not ok first, but if that doesn’t stop them going out will stop this.

Velvian · 20/08/2023 09:04

I think you need to lose your shit with DH. Either that or keep arranging stuff in his free time with a member of your family. He does not get to dictate your down time!

Utter dickheads, the pair of them (DH and FIL).

Original poster

JibJab2023 · 20/08/2023 09:08

Thank you all this has been so helpful! Just to add I do think the issue is not with MIL and its DH/FIL creating this, I think potentially FIL is telling her to come over too where as she wouldn’t do that if he hadn’t said anything potentially. She is lovely and I do pop into see her every now and then but it’s stressing me out that I am being pressured to see her when they’re busy, which feels like all the time. I’m very close to to my mum and I see her less than MIL even though she also lives very close. Thanks again for all your points of view x

OP posts:

Dancesaideveryone · 20/08/2023 09:09

Why not just speak to her and say what you've said here?

Original poster

JibJab2023 · 20/08/2023 09:10

Yes I do say I wasn’t expecting her and she apologises. She’s only come around unannounced once, it’s more DH pressuring me to see her that’s my gripe.

OP posts:

queenMab99 · 20/08/2023 09:11

Your mil may be told 'oh poor jibjab, she's a bit down at the moment, perhaps you could keep her company and help with the children?'
You are both being denigrated and infantilised by selfish golf playing men!
(I must confess to being 'golfist' I can quite like a person, but if I notice golf clubs in their boot, they drop to the bottom of my 'like list'. Golfers to me are always self seeking, arrogant, pricks!)

Original poster

JibJab2023 · 20/08/2023 09:12

My MIL is a lovely person; I am very grateful for that and I don’t have an issue with her, it’s DH/FIL.

OP posts:

Pliudev · 20/08/2023 09:12

Just tell her you are going out or are busy. Just because she's in her 70s 'but can still drive' doesn't mean she's an imbecile. She's a person as well as a MiL. Maybe she even thinks you like her company?

phoenixrosehere · 20/08/2023 09:15

Thisbastardcomputer · 20/08/2023 08:46

I'm sincerely glad I'm no longer anyone's mother in law, you can't win.

It’s not a MIL issue. It’s two grown men being disrespectful to the women they supposedly love. MIL’s DH and son are lying to her and ignoring and being disrespectful of both women’s time.

LyndaSnellsSniff · 20/08/2023 09:16

Does MIL even want to be 'baby sat'?? I was her, I'd be just as frustrated and irritated by DH and FIL's behaviour as you are.

They may be telling her that YOU want/need her company.

This would drive me insane!

LookItsMeAgain · 20/08/2023 09:18

You need to tell your husband and also drop into conversation with FiL that while they are having a whale of a time hitting a ball around a big field (really talk the golf down to its most basic so that you're not impressed by it), you don't like your time being divvied up by them. You're an adult and can quite easily make plans to do things and whether those things include MiL, well, that would be something between the pair of you to sort out, not them. If you don't want to see MiL one weekend, then you shouldn't have to nor should MiL be pressured into seeing you if she has plans to see her own friends/other family.
This stops right now. You are putting your foot down.

I might even go so far as to say that due to their antics, you've had to cancel plans, long established plans with X (one of your friends) due to MiL letting herself into your home under the guise of a visit while Dh and FiL were getting their jollies on the golf course. You will not allow this to happen again.
You apologise to MiL for being so blunt but the softly softly approach hasn't worked up to now.

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