AIBU? Being pressured to see MIL…

[JibJab2023]

Prefix that my Mental health isn’t brilliant at the moment due to peri menopause and trying to get HRT dose right so mindful I may be over sensitive.
Very grateful that I have a really lovely MIL that I get on well with. She lives locally and helps out with the children for school pick up 2 days a week (my mum does also) which we are so grateful. We have them round once a month and buy them or make them a meal as a small gesture to say thanks. I work full time and have 2 young kids with a house that we are doing up so don’t have much spare time. I have a few great friends but seeing them often is tricky time wise.
My gripe is that DH plays golf and every time he plays golf with FIL or the 2 of them go away, they really pressure me to see MIL, even when I’ve made plans with my family or friends already. I also really like my own company and my job is a very demanding sales job so I like having time at weekend not being constantly demanded upon (obvs besides the kids 😂 ). FIL orchestrated (without knowing) her coming over early on a Sunday and I was upstairs in shower. She let herself in after I didn’t answer (she only has the key as she occasionally has our dog so picks him up) - I felt like that was over the line. She’s in her seventies but in great health, can drive, and has friends and sisters she sees. It’s almost every weekend now hubby hints i should I see his mum even though when we have a clear weekend he often doesn’t want to go and see her himself. AIBU that it winds me up that DH/FIL keeps trying to orchestrate meeting up with her when I have plans and/or tight on time, or quite frankly want to sit on the sofa stuffing my face watching the Kardashian’s! It’s happened again this morning but I literally saw her 12 hours ago (Saturday) so it’s not like we don’t see each other. I know this is petty but for some reason it’s impacting my mental health. Just a side note that he never goes round to either of my parents on his own and I wouldn’t expect him to ‘baby sit’ my parents. AIBU?

My OH doesn't manage my diary so I've never had this issue but why aren't you locking the doors from the inside and telling him to stop fucking about with your time?

You definitely need to speak to your DH about this. It's unfair that you are the one put in the position of either spending time with MIL or telling her it doesn't suit. She would probably be really embarrassed if she knew how you felt and that's not fair on her either. These two men need to acknowledge that their wives are autonomous people who can and should make their own decisions about how they spend their time. They sound very presumptuous and interfering.

Tell dh you adore mil and you treasure the relationship.
However if he or fil tries to make you pick up their slack by forcing her on you, you will put the brakes on. Game over.
Stop it.
So incredibly sexisrt.

I find it really strange you are expected to spend time with MIL just because your DH and FIL are playing golf, especially because she is fit and well. As PP have said, I'd have words with DH and say you like MIL, you have a good relationship, but ask why on earth you are mean't to babysit her just because they are playing golf. I would also say he should spend more time with his mum, suggest giving up golf every other weekend to spend time with both his parents and see how he takes that. If he still doesn't get it then arrange to do something with your mum and ask him to spend the time you're out with her, with your Dad.

Just a side note that he never goes round to either of my parents on his own and I wouldn’t expect him to ‘baby sit’ my parents. AIBU?

What does he say when you point this out?

So they know she's lonely when they go golfing and your the answer....less golf then
How much time off do you get that would be better for your mental health?

Agree this is a DH and FIL problem. They need to stop tell MIL to come over and stop telling you to spend time with her.

Definitely discuss with DH, emphasise that you love seeing her but don’t want them pushing this and they’re actually at risk of damaging the lovely relationship you have.

Id also be asking DH why he’s encouraging you to visit her so often but never wants to visit her himself.

I would just say no. And tell him that you will explain to MIL what is happening if he keeps it up.

what Is it with men trying to control/interfere with our lives? You need to tell them to stop. Be blunt.

I retire shortly and DH, in-laws and parents already know that I am not available as an on-call companion. I have plans.

I would be grabbing my coat and saying sorry you are off out....

Let them all fuck off.

If you've already got plans that's final. If they're so worried about MIL and their need to have her babysitted to alleviate their guilt they can hire one. She probably feels awkward about it too.

Selfish bastards - your dh/fil. I’m irrationally incensed on your behalf. This is all guilt on their behalf. Dump the guilt onto you.

when they’re busy
WTF - they aren't busy, they're playing golf FFS
how many weekends do you get to yourself to play sport/do whatever you want on your own?
Arrange a weekend away, invite your parents round for twat"H" to enetertain, tell parent to be as awkward as hell.

Sounds like you have a lovely MIL who is helpful with both children and dog sitting. I’d cut my right arm off for that. Having said the above, you definitely need to speak to your husband about boundaries. I’d make plans with my friends/family when they’re golfing and tell her beforehand you’ve already made plans with XYZ so there’s no confusion. I’d then make a conscious effort to pop in another day to see just her so she knows it’s nothing personal.

Agree with this - time to get firm & tough. They've no respect for your time Op, so you need to stand up for yourself.

Just a thought - could it be that your DH has told them you're struggling with your mental health, perimenopause and juggling everything atm so his MIL is offering to "help you out" by visiting with you and kids whilst FIL and DH have time out?? You say she's kind, maybe she thinks she's trying to help you?

You and DH need to chat and get to the bottom of what's really going on.

If my husband was wandering around telling people my personal health information and suggesting I was in mental health crisis while he had a bit of golf time, I wouldn't be 'having a bit of a chat.' I'd be divorcing the gaslighting *

Have you actually told your Dh to stop trying to control your free t8me? This would drive me nuts, not that my Dh would dream of doing this, although he did used to pass me the phone to his mum, yet I’d never do that with my mum. Weird. Please tell him before you explode!

I would be going apeshit at your husband and FIL. Then I’d book your weekends up from now until Christmas so your DH can do all the MIL babysitting.

I cannot tel you how enraged I am on your behalf.