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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not let friends in my house

50 replies

Comeonlionesses · 20/08/2023 00:27

I need to know if IABU about this, I don’t think I am but want to double check before I make a thing of it.

I have 2 friends who I have known since primary school. They both live in the same town about 2 hours away from me, I had a baby 6 months ago and haven’t seen them since before the birth so we arranged to meet in my town for the evening. The plan was to go for dinner then back to mine for a bit but they’re staying at a hotel down the road as I don’t have any space.

When we met up this evening they were acting a bit oddly and after 10 minutes or so told me they had smoked a few joints each in the hotel room before coming out. They said it in a giggly ‘we’re trying to act normal’ way, and thought it was really funny.

We went for the dinner as planned and they kept going on about how they couldn’t wait to come back to mine and cuddle the baby, but I just really didn’t want them to. I don’t judge what other people do but I don’t want drugs in my house, or anyone who has taken drugs in my house, and definitely not holding or playing with my baby.

Eventually I said I was tired and wanted to go home alone which I think they found a bit odd and antisocial, but I felt too awkward to tell them the real reason.

I’m planning on messaging them to explain why I didn’t want them to come back (so they know for next time - don’t rely on coming to mine if you’ve taken drugs, basically). But just wanted to double check if IABU first.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 20/08/2023 00:29

I wouldn’t bother sending the message, they will be able to deduce why themselves.

OppsUpsSide · 20/08/2023 00:31

I don’t think UABU to have not invited them back, but I wouldn’t send that message. Mull it over for a bit, you can broach it another time if you still want to.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2023 00:32

I think it was really shitty of them to get high before you went out to dinner. I would be massively unimpressed. They sound like a couple of daft 18 year olds. Sometimes certain friendships don't last, and this may be the case here.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/08/2023 00:33

They sound dumb as rocks. YANBU. Don’t send the message though. Leave it for now.

Youve done nothing wrong so carry on as normal. If the is occurs again you can figure out the best way to let them know. For now, just know you did the right thing.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/08/2023 00:34

*if this

Fiddlerdragon · 20/08/2023 00:38

Don’t send the message. You are not being unreasonable not wanting people on drugs coming over to cuddle your baby, but you’ll probably come across as looking daft trying to tell off a couple of adults for smoking a bit of weed. A lot of people on mn think it’s preferable to a few glasses of wine. They’ve ruined the night but you’ve managed to fob them off. If they bring it up in the future or try to blame you for the plans being changed then definitely put them straight then

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 20/08/2023 00:39

Who the hell voted YABU??

Arthriticmiddlefinger · 20/08/2023 00:40

Ah, I get it - about the message, not about not wanting stoned friends around your baby

Therealjudgejudy · 20/08/2023 00:42

Yanbu, you are doing what’s in the best interests of your baby op.

JMSA · 20/08/2023 00:49

Don't send the message. It's fair enough that you cancelled them being around your baby, but the message would be preachy.

Original poster
Comeonlionesses · 20/08/2023 00:49

If there wasn’t any plans to come and see the baby after then I would be a bit 🙄 but wouldn’t feel the need to mention it at all, I would’ve just got on with the evening.

I don’t want to drip feed but equally didn’t want to write a really long OP which would just switch people off. But yes they’ve taken various drugs on and off over the years, they haven’t mentioned it for quite a long time so I assumed they had stopped. Neither have children so mine are a bit of a novelty and they’re both desperate to meet/spend time with them (I have 2). But I was never really comfortable with it as it was always at the back of my mind that they might have recently taken something or be on a comedown and either not tell me, or tell me and put me in an awkward position like this one.

Basically I feel the need to message to stop skirting around the issue.

OP posts:
Fiddlerdragon · 20/08/2023 01:05

Op I commented previously and I’m still on ‘your side’ as such, but you’re going to lose a lot of sympathy with your follow up. So they’re both long term drug users, you are wary of them being on drugs or on a comedown, but you’ve arranged for them to go for a meal and meet your baby because you’ve weirdly expected them to change their drug habits that they’ve had for years? Yabu to mention it at all now. Accept who they are drug addicts or ditch them as friends, what will a lecture do at this stage?

Original poster
Comeonlionesses · 20/08/2023 01:06

JMSA · 20/08/2023 00:49

Don't send the message. It's fair enough that you cancelled them being around your baby, but the message would be preachy.

I understand this but I feel if I don’t I’m going to be forever trying to deduce whether they’re sober, whether they’ve got anything in their bags, and making excuses for them not to see my kids if I suspect something.

Which will just be stressful and awkward.

I feel at this point I need to make my position clear to avoid all this.

I’m supposed to be meeting them for brunch tomorrow (and they’ve asked me to bring the baby as they didn’t get a chance to see them tonight), but if they’re going to be waking and baking tomorrow then I don’t want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Comeonlionesses · 20/08/2023 01:10

Fiddlerdragon · 20/08/2023 01:05

Op I commented previously and I’m still on ‘your side’ as such, but you’re going to lose a lot of sympathy with your follow up. So they’re both long term drug users, you are wary of them being on drugs or on a comedown, but you’ve arranged for them to go for a meal and meet your baby because you’ve weirdly expected them to change their drug habits that they’ve had for years? Yabu to mention it at all now. Accept who they are drug addicts or ditch them as friends, what will a lecture do at this stage?

They haven’t mentioned it for a long time so (foolishly I see now) I thought they’d stopped. It’s sad for me as these are my oldest friends. I don’t have many friends I’m very close to, so didn’t want to lose them, and before now have generally made excuses about not bringing my kids when we meet up, which they’ve accepted. But I can’t make excuses forever and I hoped if I made my position clear then they would be understanding.

They’ve never been daily users and have responsible jobs, it’s just been at festivals or on occasional nights out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Comeonlionesses · 20/08/2023 07:07

Bump

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 20/08/2023 07:11

The hotel won’t be happy about them smoking weed in their room.

anotheranotheranotheranother · 20/08/2023 07:14

KimberleyClark · 20/08/2023 07:11

The hotel won’t be happy about them smoking weed in their room.

I came to mention this, not the weed specifically but most hotels have always that activate when people start smoking in them.

Dotcheck · 20/08/2023 07:16

I don’t think anyone in their right mind would want someone who is high holding their baby. Would they still have been high after dinner, and would your kids have been up? Is that the actual issue or that it was incredibly rude of them to get high before meeting you? People who are off their faces are seriously annoying, and terrible company.

WandaWonder · 20/08/2023 07:19

I wouldn't send the message but would totally move on from them

Peony654 · 20/08/2023 07:19

Sorry but you sound quite judgmental especially if you know they do use drugs recreationally. I’m also confused why they’d expect to hold your baby back at your house, after dinner? Wouldn’t the baby be asleep, presumably being babysat by someone else?

Tlolljs · 20/08/2023 07:20

I think this friendship has run its course. I wouldn’t have any drug takers around my dcs either.
You can tell why if you want, don’t suppose it’ll make much difference to them. But I’d be done with them.

Peony654 · 20/08/2023 07:22

“Waking and baking” - hilarious. Don’t see them if you don’t want to, but they’re adults and I don’t see weed as any worse than alcohol so don’t make them feel guilty or judged for their choices.

OnlineExxxcitement · 20/08/2023 07:23

What! Make new friends.

MintJulia · 20/08/2023 07:24

If they aren't mums yet, they probably won't understand the desire to protect your baby against anything, reasonable or not. I wouldn't have wanted them there either.

I would send the message , explaining that you can't have drugs near your little one. Maybe invite them round for a coffee instead.

Original poster
Comeonlionesses · 20/08/2023 07:25

Peony654 · 20/08/2023 07:22

“Waking and baking” - hilarious. Don’t see them if you don’t want to, but they’re adults and I don’t see weed as any worse than alcohol so don’t make them feel guilty or judged for their choices.

I see it as worse as it is usually produced using human slavery or exploitation, but that’s another matter.

OP posts: