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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not let friends in my house

50 replies

Comeonlionesses · 20/08/2023 00:27

I need to know if IABU about this, I don’t think I am but want to double check before I make a thing of it.

I have 2 friends who I have known since primary school. They both live in the same town about 2 hours away from me, I had a baby 6 months ago and haven’t seen them since before the birth so we arranged to meet in my town for the evening. The plan was to go for dinner then back to mine for a bit but they’re staying at a hotel down the road as I don’t have any space.

When we met up this evening they were acting a bit oddly and after 10 minutes or so told me they had smoked a few joints each in the hotel room before coming out. They said it in a giggly ‘we’re trying to act normal’ way, and thought it was really funny.

We went for the dinner as planned and they kept going on about how they couldn’t wait to come back to mine and cuddle the baby, but I just really didn’t want them to. I don’t judge what other people do but I don’t want drugs in my house, or anyone who has taken drugs in my house, and definitely not holding or playing with my baby.

Eventually I said I was tired and wanted to go home alone which I think they found a bit odd and antisocial, but I felt too awkward to tell them the real reason.

I’m planning on messaging them to explain why I didn’t want them to come back (so they know for next time - don’t rely on coming to mine if you’ve taken drugs, basically). But just wanted to double check if IABU first.

OP posts:

HelpMeGetThrough · 20/08/2023 07:26

KimberleyClark · 20/08/2023 07:11

The hotel won’t be happy about them smoking weed in their room.

Surprised no alarm went off. All the hotels I stay in (loads, as I travel for work) have alarms that activate if there is a hint of smoke.

Snoken · 20/08/2023 07:26

if the plan was to have dinner then see the baby, did you expect them to be sober anyway? If I went out with my friends to dinner I would expect us to drink wine with the food. I don’t quite see the why difference between the weed and the alcohol would be so big.

Original poster

Comeonlionesses · 20/08/2023 07:28

Peony654 · 20/08/2023 07:19

Sorry but you sound quite judgmental especially if you know they do use drugs recreationally. I’m also confused why they’d expect to hold your baby back at your house, after dinner? Wouldn’t the baby be asleep, presumably being babysat by someone else?

Did you let people on drugs hold your baby?

He wakes every 3/4 hours or so at the moment. So there’s a good chance he would’ve woken during their visit although not 100%.

OP posts:

Timeless01 · 20/08/2023 07:30

Agree with everyone else. Don’t bother with the message. Just leave it now.

JanieEyre · 20/08/2023 07:33

It may be better to wait until you plan to meet again if plans include seeing your baby: you can then make it clear it will only happen if they are clean.

goingtotown · 20/08/2023 07:34

You done the right thing no need to message them.

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/08/2023 07:37

Comeonlionesses · 20/08/2023 07:25

I see it as worse as it is usually produced using human slavery or exploitation, but that’s another matter.

Show quote history

I agree with you on that. Personally, I would let them know why you wouldn't invite them in. It would probably end the friendship but it sounds like it's run its course.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 20/08/2023 07:41

I am going against the grain a bit here, but I would tell them the reason was because you didn't want drugged up people around your baby. If they are good friends they should understand and respect that. Otherwise the weirdness and ambiguity could cause more issues.

I wouldn't let drugged up people in my house, let alone allow them to hold my baby. I also wouldn't allow drunk people to hold my baby. But I am vehemently opposed to the notion of "its just a bit of weed, it's like alcohol" because alcohol isn't illegal and isn't provided through slavery, gang violence or child abuse.

Be straight with your friends OP.

Icedlatteplease · 20/08/2023 07:48

Once I known they had smoked the Weed I wouldn’t have wanted to be around them and I would have told them why.

I'd send the message and tell them. Tbh I'd probably also end the friendship

But I have seen way too much harm done by weed.

ClimbingThroughTheWindow · 20/08/2023 07:48

How did they manage to smoke in a hotel without alarms going off?

When a 6 month old baby wakes in the night, it would be really weird to choose that time for people who do not know the baby, to hold them. At 6 months, my children would have screamed the house down if confronted with a new face in the middle of the night.

Seems weird.

Cowlover89 · 20/08/2023 07:50

Peony654 · 20/08/2023 07:22

“Waking and baking” - hilarious. Don’t see them if you don’t want to, but they’re adults and I don’t see weed as any worse than alcohol so don’t make them feel guilty or judged for their choices.

This

Thankgoodnessforabitofsun · 20/08/2023 07:50

OP, have a chat with your friends face to face but don’t send a message. It will be taken badly and you’ll probably fall out, whereas a conversation always works better

Thankgoodnessforabitofsun · 20/08/2023 07:51

As in, just let them know their life choices are up to them but you don’t want drugs around your baby

Original poster

Comeonlionesses · 20/08/2023 07:53

ClimbingThroughTheWindow · 20/08/2023 07:48

How did they manage to smoke in a hotel without alarms going off?

Seems weird.

If you actually read my OP, I didn’t say they had done that, just said I didn’t want to see them today if they had.

I imagine if I had started a thread saying I didn’t want a friend who was spending the evening with me to hold the baby because it was 10pm, I would be told IABU…

OP posts:

Sceptre86 · 20/08/2023 07:59

It depends whether you are OK.with giving up this friendship. If you are then either send the message or better yet go and meet them without baby and mention that you didn't bring baby because you weren't sure if they'd still be on one. See how they respond. If you address their drug taking (whether it's casual or not) be prepared for them to go on the defensive. Ultimately tpu can't tell grown adults what to do but don't have to put baby in situations you aren't comfortable with.

MummyJ36 · 20/08/2023 07:59

I think it’s fair enough you didn’t have them back. I wouldn’t have either. Just like I wouldn’t bring two drunk friends back to my house to see and hold my baby. I think it’s fine to send the message. Did you ever do drugs with them jn your pre baby days? If so they might think you’re ok with it. But no I defiantly don’t think you are being in unreasonable.

MummyJ36 · 20/08/2023 08:01

Also yes it is their decision if they want to do drugs but it is your decision if you’re happy for you baby to be around people who are doing drugs.

OrwellianTimes · 20/08/2023 08:03

They sound about 14. It was rubbish of them to do that before they met you.

saraclara · 20/08/2023 08:21

Messaging is the absolutely worst route you could take. If you feel you have to have this conversation, then have the guts to do it face to face.

If you get a conversation right, where they can see your facial expression, hear your time of voice, and be able to respond in real time, you've a reasonably chance of them understanding.

But a preachy text? I've had one of those and all it did was make me angry and defensive. It came out of nowhere with no context, and the friendship ended with it. In hindsight I'm pretty sure that in person the result would have been entirely different.

saraclara · 20/08/2023 08:21

Tone of voice, rather

SpunkyGibbon · 20/08/2023 08:40

Tell them
I bloody would judge them, they knew there were plans to meet your baby and still chose to do it
Bollocks to that

Cosycover · 20/08/2023 08:47

I'd just say the baby isn't feeling well this morning and skip brunch.

But surely they won't be high on a Sunday morning?

Original poster

Comeonlionesses · 20/08/2023 09:15

Cosycover · 20/08/2023 08:47

I'd just say the baby isn't feeling well this morning and skip brunch.

But surely they won't be high on a Sunday morning?

I don’t think so but then I didn’t think they would turn up stoned yesterday either. If they had any left they probably used it up last night but who knows. It just feels seedy and ‘bad parenting’ to let them hang out with my kids now.

The problem is that I can’t keep making excuses, they’ve come all this way to see me and telling them outright actually seems less rude than just making some evasive excuses about why I can’t see them despite the fact they’re down the road.

It’s just really sad as they’re my oldest friends and I’d hoped the drugs would just fizzle out over the years, I had thought this was the case until yesterday as they haven’t mentioned them in a year or 2.

OP posts:

Gellhell · 20/08/2023 09:17

Getting stoned before cuddling a baby. No thanks! You did the right thing.

indyocean · 20/08/2023 09:56

Go for brunch. Take baby

Distance yourself after this . Your lives are going in different directions

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