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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt by husbands indifference

37 replies

Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 19:58

This morning I found my favorite budgie on the floor of his cage. I knew this was the end. I told DH and he says something along the lines that he was old anyway and I did my best to keep him alive. He didnt care for my birds and was supporting them because of me.

A bit later, my birdie died in my hands. I was silently crying. Husband was in the same space making breakfast. He passed by me, so surely he saw me. I told him that my birdie died and that his eyes filled up with tears right before he closed his eyes. Husband didnt answer, I thought he didnt hear, so I did what I had to do with my birdie. With my side vision, I saw that DH was doing something on his phone. Later I asked him and he said he heard me. I dont know why he didnt answer or why he didnt come to confort me. After I went upstairs as I was feeling sad. I heard him calling me, but he didnt bother checking on me. He actually sent his daughter (my step-daughter) to ask me if I was coming down to eat.

When I came down he just asked me about some bill we received. Nothing else. He could see I wasnt ok.

I can deal with my feelings alone, but in addition to feeling sad about my birdie, I feel sad that DH didnt seem to care to at least show some compassion towards me. We were doing fine before that. AIBU to feel hurt about this?

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 19/08/2023 19:59

So sorry for your loss op.. Every pet is a loss. However small.

411sleeper · 19/08/2023 20:02

Massive issue that your husband doesnt care about your feelings! Is this a pattern?

Changingplace · 19/08/2023 20:05

Sorry about your budgie OP, your husband really could’ve been more caring - is he always like this? :(

Greensleeves · 19/08/2023 20:07

Lots of men get away with this sort of selfish, lazy behaviour because they rely on the myth that men are "not good with emotions". It's sexist bullshit and none of us should put up with it. Let him know, calmly and frankly, that his failure to provide a basic human response is hurtful and cruel. It's not an intrinsic male quality, it's a combination of male socialisation and simple laziness, and it can be overcome with a bit of effort, thought and commitment. If he's a decent man he'll apologise and try to do better.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 19/08/2023 20:11

You are not being unreasonable.
I had a similar situation involving my cats and my partner couldn't care less.

Walesagogo · 19/08/2023 20:11

Sorry you've lost your budgie, OP. That's quite cold of your dh. Is he not good at dealing with things like that or is it that he doesn't understand how attached people become to their pets? Either way, just a arm round you to comfort would've been something. How does he usually react if he sees you upset?

Original poster
Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 20:17

Thank you everybody for your sympathies. My beautiful budgie is in the birds paradise and his sufferings are over.

My husband is not the most emotional man out there, but yes, he normally has empathy. If his daughter ever has tears or an issue, its a huge deal. I dont compare myself to his daughter of course, but yes, he had cared about me in his own way in the past. And our relationship was fine until today.

OP posts:
Elfandwellbeing · 19/08/2023 20:18

That is a mean reaction, sorry 😢.
Is he usually compassionate?

theresastormcoming · 19/08/2023 20:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 20:19

Greensleeves · 19/08/2023 20:07

Lots of men get away with this sort of selfish, lazy behaviour because they rely on the myth that men are "not good with emotions". It's sexist bullshit and none of us should put up with it. Let him know, calmly and frankly, that his failure to provide a basic human response is hurtful and cruel. It's not an intrinsic male quality, it's a combination of male socialisation and simple laziness, and it can be overcome with a bit of effort, thought and commitment. If he's a decent man he'll apologise and try to do better.

@Greensleeves,
How would you go about telling him? Nobody is obliged to give us confort, so I dont know how to explain it to him in a non accusatory way, but mostly I would like an explanation.

OP posts:
TheChosenTwo · 19/08/2023 20:22

Aw OP I’m sorry to hear about your bird, his reaction is mean.
I have to say when our chickens die I won’t be sad (I will miss the eggs though!) but Dh will as he loves them and sees them as part of our family, I will give him a cuddle when they die because that’s just what you do when someone you love is sad. Hope you’re okay OP 💐

Screamingabdabz · 19/08/2023 20:27

I’m afraid I couldn’t care less about the death of small pets either I’m sorry. My dd’s hamster died recently and although there was some brief sadness and my DH facilitated some sort of token ‘burial’ - they all had perspective about it. There was no wailing or gnashing of teeth. It’s a small animal with a short life. It was to be expected.

I realise that your DH was insensitive to your feelings, and you were upset, but seriously sometimes it’s hard to muster up the energy to console someone over something you find inconsequential or trivial in the big scheme of things.

Babymamamama · 19/08/2023 20:30

Honestly? I don’t think he was a fan of your pet choice. Was he involved in choosing this pet?

Stomacharmeleon · 19/08/2023 20:30

@Screamingabdabz I think that's a bit harsh and surely it should be important to him as it's important to her?
You don't have to be indifferent or full wake/ wailing. Surely there is a happy medium. 'Is there anything I can do/ would you like a hug/ do you want to talk about it'?

Original poster
Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 20:32

Recently, my husbads former professor died. I met him once years ago (barely remember him) as he lived in another country. He hasnt seen or communicated with this professor since weve met over 11 years ago. It was someone from his youth. You can imagine that even with people whom we dont know, we might not have feelings really. But I took time to some conforting words and asked questions and listen to his stories. So while I didnt expect my DH to feel anything about my budgie, I am upset that he didnt care about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 20:34

Babymamamama · 19/08/2023 20:30

Honestly? I don’t think he was a fan of your pet choice. Was he involved in choosing this pet?

We found this budgie on the street and he was the one who catched him and he seemed ok with keeping him. Later he changed his mind, but even if I kept him, I did everything to care for him and everything to make sure that he didnt bother him.

OP posts:
iamyourequal · 19/08/2023 20:39

@Anuta77 I’m sorry you have lost your dear pet bird Flowers. (We lost a small pet recently and it was very upsetting).
It is sad that you have such an insensitive husband. You could try telling him that you are upset (I know you shouldn’t have to) and disappointed in his lack of sympathy and give him the opportunity to make amends. Just to give him the benefit of the doubt.

JusthereforXmas · 19/08/2023 20:58

I'm sorry for your loss, losing a pet is a sad thing. It hits the people who loved them hard but other people tend to just see an 'animal' so while being uncaring is insensitive try not to take it to heart.

There is also something in your writing (the phrasing) comes over very dramatic though. Not just being sad as thats normal but they 'way' your saying it.

Things like 'his eyes filled up with tears right before he closed his eyes' is an very odd lead in to say your pet died and is overtly dramatic.

If you are prone to phrasing things dramatically and being hyper empetetic then people check out over time because not everything can be and it becomes tiring.

Just take time to be sad and let him deal with it his own way even if thats just 'oh... the bird died'.

WtfHormones · 19/08/2023 21:06

How would you go about telling him?
I'm hurt because you didn't comfort me when I was sad about my bird. Was there a reason for your lack of care?

Nobody is obliged to give us confort, so I dont know how to explain it to him in a non accusatory way, but mostly I would like an explanation.

It's upto you to set your own boundaries though and let him know your expectations and needs.

Why does it have to be non accusatory?

If you really need it to be non accusatory. Saying something like... I was really confused by your reaction to me being upset at my bird dieing in my hands. I wasn't sure if you realised I was upset. Please can you help me understand what your reaction was about.

Dropthedonkey · 19/08/2023 21:06

Screamingabdabz · 19/08/2023 20:27

I’m afraid I couldn’t care less about the death of small pets either I’m sorry. My dd’s hamster died recently and although there was some brief sadness and my DH facilitated some sort of token ‘burial’ - they all had perspective about it. There was no wailing or gnashing of teeth. It’s a small animal with a short life. It was to be expected.

I realise that your DH was insensitive to your feelings, and you were upset, but seriously sometimes it’s hard to muster up the energy to console someone over something you find inconsequential or trivial in the big scheme of things.

Budgies can live around 5 times as long as a hamster, though, if you're looking at it from that point of view.

truthhurts23 · 19/08/2023 21:07

Screamingabdabz · 19/08/2023 20:27

I’m afraid I couldn’t care less about the death of small pets either I’m sorry. My dd’s hamster died recently and although there was some brief sadness and my DH facilitated some sort of token ‘burial’ - they all had perspective about it. There was no wailing or gnashing of teeth. It’s a small animal with a short life. It was to be expected.

I realise that your DH was insensitive to your feelings, and you were upset, but seriously sometimes it’s hard to muster up the energy to console someone over something you find inconsequential or trivial in the big scheme of things.

ok thats how YOU feel, but in those kind of situations, it is not about you.
If someone you love is upset about something , like their dog dying, even if you dont like dogs, you should still have empathy for the person and try to support them, make an effort to say kind words

truthhurts23 · 19/08/2023 21:14

OP as hard as this loss is for you, you have to grieve alone.
there is just no point telling this man how you feel, he already knows your in pain and he does not give a toss
don't even give him the satisfaction of begging for little scraps of affection,
you wont get any and he will probably make you feel worse and accuse you of making a big deal

Just please take note of how he treats you and don't ever forget it, when you needed him for support , he turned his back on you

I am so sorry about your sweet little bird I can tell you loved him very much and he loved you💐

Original poster
Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 21:27

JusthereforXmas · 19/08/2023 20:58

I'm sorry for your loss, losing a pet is a sad thing. It hits the people who loved them hard but other people tend to just see an 'animal' so while being uncaring is insensitive try not to take it to heart.

There is also something in your writing (the phrasing) comes over very dramatic though. Not just being sad as thats normal but they 'way' your saying it.

Things like 'his eyes filled up with tears right before he closed his eyes' is an very odd lead in to say your pet died and is overtly dramatic.

If you are prone to phrasing things dramatically and being hyper empetetic then people check out over time because not everything can be and it becomes tiring.

Just take time to be sad and let him deal with it his own way even if thats just 'oh... the bird died'.

@JusthereforXmas, just because I wrote that my birds eyes filles up with tears (which was a description of what happened not a way of saying that he died!) doesnt mean that Im a dramatic person who tires everyone with my drama. What a weird judgement about me based on one sentence!

OP posts:
Itsnotrightbutitsok · 19/08/2023 21:28

I would be hurt that he hadn’t comforted me but tbh people deal with death differently.

I am awful when someone is going through something, I end up saying the wrong thing.

My pet died and I was inconsolable.
My DD and brother didn’t say anything, not because they didn’t care but because they just didn’t know what to say.

If his reaction was because he didn’t care then id be raging but if it was simply because he didn’t know what to say then I’d let it slide.

I would chat to him and explain how you feel.
His response would decide how I feel.

I’m sorry your bird died ☹️

Original poster
Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 21:32

WtfHormones · 19/08/2023 21:06

How would you go about telling him?
I'm hurt because you didn't comfort me when I was sad about my bird. Was there a reason for your lack of care?

Nobody is obliged to give us confort, so I dont know how to explain it to him in a non accusatory way, but mostly I would like an explanation.

It's upto you to set your own boundaries though and let him know your expectations and needs.

Why does it have to be non accusatory?

If you really need it to be non accusatory. Saying something like... I was really confused by your reaction to me being upset at my bird dieing in my hands. I wasn't sure if you realised I was upset. Please can you help me understand what your reaction was about.

Thank you so much!
Turns out he didnt realize that he died, he thought he was still dying...Its amazing how 2 people can be in one room and have a totally different perspective of what happened.

OP posts: