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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt by husbands indifference

37 replies

Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 19:58

This morning I found my favorite budgie on the floor of his cage. I knew this was the end. I told DH and he says something along the lines that he was old anyway and I did my best to keep him alive. He didnt care for my birds and was supporting them because of me.

A bit later, my birdie died in my hands. I was silently crying. Husband was in the same space making breakfast. He passed by me, so surely he saw me. I told him that my birdie died and that his eyes filled up with tears right before he closed his eyes. Husband didnt answer, I thought he didnt hear, so I did what I had to do with my birdie. With my side vision, I saw that DH was doing something on his phone. Later I asked him and he said he heard me. I dont know why he didnt answer or why he didnt come to confort me. After I went upstairs as I was feeling sad. I heard him calling me, but he didnt bother checking on me. He actually sent his daughter (my step-daughter) to ask me if I was coming down to eat.

When I came down he just asked me about some bill we received. Nothing else. He could see I wasnt ok.

I can deal with my feelings alone, but in addition to feeling sad about my birdie, I feel sad that DH didnt seem to care to at least show some compassion towards me. We were doing fine before that. AIBU to feel hurt about this?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 19/08/2023 21:33

JusthereforXmas · 19/08/2023 20:58

I'm sorry for your loss, losing a pet is a sad thing. It hits the people who loved them hard but other people tend to just see an 'animal' so while being uncaring is insensitive try not to take it to heart.

There is also something in your writing (the phrasing) comes over very dramatic though. Not just being sad as thats normal but they 'way' your saying it.

Things like 'his eyes filled up with tears right before he closed his eyes' is an very odd lead in to say your pet died and is overtly dramatic.

If you are prone to phrasing things dramatically and being hyper empetetic then people check out over time because not everything can be and it becomes tiring.

Just take time to be sad and let him deal with it his own way even if thats just 'oh... the bird died'.

That isn't how I read the OP at all. The detail about the eyes filling up with tears reminded me of the moment when my cat was put to sleep, when the drugs kicked in she widened and then slitted her eyes, and her mouth twisted in a way I'd never seen before. It's the sort of detail that stays with you, because watching a living creature die right in front of you is upsetting. I wouldn't want to meet a person who didn't find it a bit distressing. Talking about it can help, which is very healthy, and OP absolutely should be able to expect her husband to listen and be supportive.

Original poster
Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 21:33

Thank you so much!

OP posts:
dreambeavers · 19/08/2023 21:34

I'm so sorry op. I love a bird friend.

Original poster
Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 21:38

Greensleeves · 19/08/2023 21:33

That isn't how I read the OP at all. The detail about the eyes filling up with tears reminded me of the moment when my cat was put to sleep, when the drugs kicked in she widened and then slitted her eyes, and her mouth twisted in a way I'd never seen before. It's the sort of detail that stays with you, because watching a living creature die right in front of you is upsetting. I wouldn't want to meet a person who didn't find it a bit distressing. Talking about it can help, which is very healthy, and OP absolutely should be able to expect her husband to listen and be supportive.

Show quote history

Thank you so much for your understanding, its the first time it happens in front of me, so I found it really sad. There were other mouvements that I havent seen before, but the eyes filling up with tears reminds us of crying. Husband said: It must be some secretions. He actually didnt hear when I told him that he died. Anyway....

OP posts:
MrsRachelDanvers · 19/08/2023 21:55

Screamingabdabz · 19/08/2023 20:27

I’m afraid I couldn’t care less about the death of small pets either I’m sorry. My dd’s hamster died recently and although there was some brief sadness and my DH facilitated some sort of token ‘burial’ - they all had perspective about it. There was no wailing or gnashing of teeth. It’s a small animal with a short life. It was to be expected.

I realise that your DH was insensitive to your feelings, and you were upset, but seriously sometimes it’s hard to muster up the energy to console someone over something you find inconsequential or trivial in the big scheme of things.

Maybe you couldn’t care less, but surely seeing someone you love deeply upset about something would make you want to comfort them? That’s pretty basic isn’t it?

MrsRachelDanvers · 19/08/2023 21:59

My husband didn’t like my dog-not in a bad way-but in a he tolerated him because he was mine (I had him when we met) way so was kind to him and came out for walks but he isn’t a dog person at all. When I had him (the dog) put to sleep, my husband comforted me and was very kind and sympathetic and went out of his way to listen to my stories and wipe my tears. That’s what I’d expect, so your husband’s actions would have really upset me. You loved your bird and he gave you a lot of pleasure in his short life so of course you’ll grieve for him. You must be very hurt.

LightSpeeds · 19/08/2023 22:16

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. I've got birds and can't bear to think of them dying.

I think your husband is totally insensitive. For those saying he probably didn't know what to say, there's nothing to stop him giving you a cuddle and making a few sympathetic noises.

Soubriquet · 19/08/2023 22:23

I’m really sorry for your loss OP

I had to have my dog put down 10 years ago. Dh didn’t like him and I understood why. He was an arse (the dog not the husband). He still comforted me and grieved with me.

Your dh sounds rubbish

theresastormcoming · 20/08/2023 13:51

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nap1983 · 20/08/2023 14:04

MrsRachelDanvers · 19/08/2023 21:55

Maybe you couldn’t care less, but surely seeing someone you love deeply upset about something would make you want to comfort them? That’s pretty basic isn’t it?

Show quote history

Yeah this. Regardless of who or what had died or upset me, even if my DH never knew them or cared he would comfort and console me. You husband sounds awful TBH

Createausername1970 · 20/08/2023 14:12

Has he been a bit more sympathetic since realising the budgie had actually died?

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 20/08/2023 14:13

Screamingabdabz · 19/08/2023 20:27

I’m afraid I couldn’t care less about the death of small pets either I’m sorry. My dd’s hamster died recently and although there was some brief sadness and my DH facilitated some sort of token ‘burial’ - they all had perspective about it. There was no wailing or gnashing of teeth. It’s a small animal with a short life. It was to be expected.

I realise that your DH was insensitive to your feelings, and you were upset, but seriously sometimes it’s hard to muster up the energy to console someone over something you find inconsequential or trivial in the big scheme of things.

It doesn't matter how you feel, because it's not about you. If your husband or daughter had been very upset you should have offered comfort.

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