Issues with brother

[RosaMoline]

Hopefully won’t be too wordy. Bear with me. Just looking for advice.
Almost 14 years ago, my parents moved away. They literally used to live less than 3 miles away. If I knew then what I know now, I’d have done my utmost to have talked them out of it. I would have pushed for them to have downsized and stayed local. They moved about 100 or so miles away.
Although I drive, I’m very very nervous and just the thought of going down the motorway sends me into meltdown. The last time I attempted to do it I had a panic attack. I am 56 now, and if anything, I’m worse. I do not think motorway lessons will help, plus I don’t have the spare cash. When DM and DD moved away, I was married and EXH used to take us there.
My brother lives about 30 mins or so
from them, so he was able to see them more often than me. Anyway, fast forward to the present day, and I’m divorced, dad has passed away, and mum no longer has a driving licence due to showing signs of dementia (she’s coping ok at the moment) if I visit her, I have to rely on DD taking me. We try and go once a month if we can.
My brother knows of my motorway phobia, but when situations occur, he just expects me to get in my car and ‘go there’
He is totally unsympathetic and doesn’t ‘get it’ at all. I can’t always rely on DD as she’s a shift worker.
Today, I’ve received a text saying that my uncle (in poor health) would like my mum to visit him next Wednesday. My brother says he and his wife are working and can’t help. Uncle lives about 40 miles from DM. I replied saying that I would ask DD on the off chance as I’m working too and don’t have any annual leave left. He replied in a sarcastic tone that he didn’t either. Motorway phobia aside, I don’t think I could take a day off work at such short notice anyway. He’s also intimidated in the past that I should give up my life where I live and move in to look after mum. I have an adult DD as previously mentioned and an adult DS who’s severely autistic and lives in supported living about 30 mins from me. I have a life, a job in my area. Pets. I love my house which I got post divorce. I suppose he thinks that because I’m an empty nester and not in a relationship, I should give it all up.
I’ve asked him and his family to come visit me and stay with mum but I’m always rebuffed because of work or something else. I’ve given up. It really saddens me as I feel we’ve really drifted apart as a family. I was devastated the year before Dad passed away to discover everyone except me and my kids had been invited to my nephews 18th (brothers son) ~ it was a family dinner and I didn’t find out about it until a family member posted about it on Facebook 😢
Now every time my brother texts me, it’s always about mum and expecting me to go there at short notice. He’s really blunt, and seeing him texts gives me extreme anxiety.
I just wish I knew how to handle this. If my DD can’t take mum on Wednesday I expect he’s going to give me a really hard time.
Sorry it’s so long. Just feeling really anxious and tearful here..

Sorry for typos:
intimidated should be intimated
and seeing his texts not him

Look if you can’t, you can’t. Your job is no less important than his and you are under no obligation to give up your life and become a full time carer just because he says so. You need to be stronger and stop letting him make you feel bad.

While I think anyone who wants you to give up your life is unreasonable, I do think that you need to get over the motorway issue. Especially with an elderly parent. Motorway lessons really might help. You're 56 and restricting yourself massively. What would happen if your ds moved to accommodation that was only accessible via the motorway network?

This is tough for both of you and I think you need to try to remind yourself that you’ve both lost your dad. He lives closer to your mum so may feel like he’s been left with the brunt of it all and may perhaps need to do more than you. He will have some resentment of this and yes won’t accept and understand the motorway phobia.

He’s asked you to move closer to help out, if possible why not suggest your mother goes into a care home that’s closer to you so you can be there more.

This is sadly quite common with families, especially as parents get older. One thing I’d suggest is you try get a day off together where everyone can spend time together and try have a day out. Not a day when you need to support your mum.
I imagine he didn’t invite you to the birthday because you’d have made up a reason not to attend due to driving.

Hi thanks for reply;
re: DN’s birthday, he should know that we would’ve come if we were free. DD would’ve taken us with a bit of notice. I’ve always made an effort to go to family celebrations pre and post divorce.

To echo another poster, if you can't help you can't help. If no one else can help, no one else can help.

With the best will in the world, people can't do everything all of the time.

If DPs had stayed in my local area. I would’ve done everything, and happily so. The irony is, DB talked them into buying this property fully knowing he’d be closer to them.

Hi OP. I feel for you. So so hard with elderly parents. I’m the same with driving. I can drive but I’m very nervous and have never even been on the motorway as I know it is beyond my capabilities. I’m absolutely fine and safe for what I do drive but it’s never going to be long distances or involve motorways or dual carriageways (It’s the merging and the speed that I don’t like. No hate please for that. I learnt late and it’s never got better. I’m more nervous as I get older and not 50 yet) So I completely get that.

I think your brother is being an absolute nasty bastard. You do what you can. Of course you shouldn’t move in with your mum! He wants you to so he doesn’t have to do any of mum related stuff. Off load it to the nearest female! Unfortunately for him you’re not near (geographically) and that isn’t going to change! You’re going to have to just decide he’s unreasonable (extremely) and he’s kicking off because you’re not doing what he wants!! As for uncle deciding he’s wants to be driven to his sister’s from 40 miles away on a week day at short notice, well tough shit! We don’t always get what we want when we want it!

This is a consequence of your parents deciding to move away. My mother’s parents wouldn’t live near us and chose to live near her brother. My mum couldn’t drive ergo we saw them once a month when my dad could drive and brother and his wife had to do the day to day care. It’s just the way it was 🤷‍♀️

I would think you weren’t invited to the meal because they expected you wouldn’t show up. Or maybe they feel like you are trying to have your cake and eat it - struggle to help because of your motorway phobia but able to get there for a meal.
Your brother is probably taking on the brunt of the work. As well as nice things you are missing out on, there are probably awkward and difficult things with your mum you aren’t hearing about that your brother is doing.
You absolutely can choose to remain where you are, but then you can’t complain the family feels fragmented as you are the one who is fragmented away from them.
I don’t drive, but I would use trains and other public transport to help out.

I think that you are being a bit unreasonable re the travelling, there are other roads besides motorways you know. They may be the quickest/most direct way of getting somewhere but you can still travel on A/B roads. Or trains, or buses. Only going to visit yuour mum when your daughter is available to take you is daft when you have the means to get there yourself.

It would take longer but Google Maps gives an option of showing routes without motorways.

I agree with madnessitellyou - if you can’t do it, then you can’t.

You see your mother once a month, as it is.

I can understand he feels the load. And it is work, being a carer for an elderly parent. But it seems he wants you to do exactly what he doesn’t want to do. However, a man is equally as capable as a woman when it comes to looking after an elderly parent.

I should clarify that he’s not a FT carer for mum. He takes her shopping and to appointments and so on. Obviously if there was an emergency and I needed to get there quickly I would first ask DD or a good friend, failing that I would get a train to the nearest station and a taxi from there.

If he isn’t a full time carer then there’s even less reason for him to feel put out.

it’s not a ‘woman only job’ to spend as bit of time helping an elderly parent.

You don't have to be a full time carer to have your life taken over by an elderly parent.
My brother is the 'on the spot' offspring while I live nearly two hours away (motorway all the way, btw). He is constantly having to mop up situations with my mum, financially, medically, admin-wise and emotionally. I do as much as I can to help, especially with admin stuff that can be done from a distance. But I'm very aware of my good fortune in being 'the one who moved away'

Yes, he encouraged the move, and yes you say you'd do more if she'd remained near you. But I suspect that neither of you realise/d just how much time and emotional space it can take.

I would, however, remind him that you (presumably) have similar care responsibilities for your son, so it's not like your life is a bed of roses. And of course that he was the one who encouraged her to move away from your support. But do consider getting help with this motorway phobia.

would like my mum to visit him next Wednesday

Well, unless she can get a taxi, this isn’t possible. People who don’t work and rely on those that DO work to facilitate their social life, need to make plans accordingly! Wouldn’t a weekend visit be better all round?

An uncle visit is not an emergency

There's no need for you or your brother to drop everything to make that happen

When parents get very old you need to step back sometimes to see the difference between a "would be nice" and "essential"

An uncle visit is a "would be nice", fresh sheets on the bed each week are a "would be nice", but could wait another week. A friendly visit would be nice, going shopping/getting a haircut are all "would be nice"

Essential would be things like: medical emergency appointments, no food in the house, a panic attack or medical emergency etc etc

It has really helped me to categorise things like this as otherwise you can get overwhelmed with care duties

The fact that you feel stressed about making sure this uncle visit happens shows you are quite overwhelmed and need to step back a bit and give yourself a break

I also have 1 useless brother. I only text him in emergencies. Last emergency was today (!), he did not even reply. Whatever. I am doing what I can (got a GP to visit my dad) and that is all anyone can do

Look after yourself

He sounds like a bully.

The above is your answer to him.

He encouraged them to move ckose to him.

You are not driving on a motorway and that is your choice and none of his business.

You cannot visit unless your daughter can bring you.

Stop engaging with him.

He encouraged them to move and these are the consequences.

You have nothing to be guilty for.

Do not engage with him further other than the bare necessity and do not engage in ANY discussion about moving.

Your parents chose to move with your brothers encouragement.

You stay where your life and children are.

56 is not to old to conker your fear. Look in to hypnotherapy it could massively help you.
Motorways are easier then normal roads and so worth the effort

I have the motorway phobia too and it's not just a matter of motorway lessons, mine's got worse as I get older and even as a passenger I just hate every moment. But that said, I just use the 'no motorways' setting on the satnav and genuinely enjoy a much pleasanter drive on the smaller roads through towns. I don't mind that it takes longer, it's well worth it for less stress.

That's just an aside really, about the driving. On the brother issue, he's an arse. You have a busy life with responsibilities and can't drop them all at your uncle's or brother's behest. Be firm and don't be guilt-tripped.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate it. I’ve calmed down a bit now, but the not being invited to my DNs nephew birthday dinner still makes me cry when I talk about it, 2 years on. My dad would be so upset if he knew how tense things are. I think once DM has passed, I honestly believe DB & I will not have a relationship. It’s so sad.
However, it would be churlish of me to mention to DB that he and his family haven’t really bothered with seeing his DN, my autistic son since he moved into supported living which has been a few years now!

DD and I are visiting mum early next month and I might offer to drive there using PP’s suggestion of going on A and B roads. I honestly don’t think I can conquer the motorway phobia. I have always been a very nervous driver & didn’t pass til I was 33. I can’t afford motorway lessons and I have an ancient 19 year old car so my additional phobia is around breaking down as well as the driving itself.

I have also developed a fear of motorways, I used to happily drive from London to Scotland on motorways regularly but I don’t even like being a passenger now.

But I do think you need to find another way and do your fair share when you can by avoiding motorways. I generally do that now even if DH is driving.

Tbh if you're the one with the phobia than you need to be the one to find the work around. As per PP's use non-motorway options.

Stop relying on your DD for transport. You're too young to be doing that.

I am bemused by your Uncle announcing he'd like your mother to visit him and you're expected to travel 100 miles to facilitate this demand!!!

If your Uncle wants to see your mum he can get a taxi to her house if he's too unwell to drive!
If he's too unwell to get a taxi to visit her why can't he pay for a taxi to pick her up and bring her to him?

In short WTF?????