Issues with brother

[RosaMoline]

Hopefully won’t be too wordy. Bear with me. Just looking for advice.
Almost 14 years ago, my parents moved away. They literally used to live less than 3 miles away. If I knew then what I know now, I’d have done my utmost to have talked them out of it. I would have pushed for them to have downsized and stayed local. They moved about 100 or so miles away.
Although I drive, I’m very very nervous and just the thought of going down the motorway sends me into meltdown. The last time I attempted to do it I had a panic attack. I am 56 now, and if anything, I’m worse. I do not think motorway lessons will help, plus I don’t have the spare cash. When DM and DD moved away, I was married and EXH used to take us there.
My brother lives about 30 mins or so
from them, so he was able to see them more often than me. Anyway, fast forward to the present day, and I’m divorced, dad has passed away, and mum no longer has a driving licence due to showing signs of dementia (she’s coping ok at the moment) if I visit her, I have to rely on DD taking me. We try and go once a month if we can.
My brother knows of my motorway phobia, but when situations occur, he just expects me to get in my car and ‘go there’
He is totally unsympathetic and doesn’t ‘get it’ at all. I can’t always rely on DD as she’s a shift worker.
Today, I’ve received a text saying that my uncle (in poor health) would like my mum to visit him next Wednesday. My brother says he and his wife are working and can’t help. Uncle lives about 40 miles from DM. I replied saying that I would ask DD on the off chance as I’m working too and don’t have any annual leave left. He replied in a sarcastic tone that he didn’t either. Motorway phobia aside, I don’t think I could take a day off work at such short notice anyway. He’s also intimidated in the past that I should give up my life where I live and move in to look after mum. I have an adult DD as previously mentioned and an adult DS who’s severely autistic and lives in supported living about 30 mins from me. I have a life, a job in my area. Pets. I love my house which I got post divorce. I suppose he thinks that because I’m an empty nester and not in a relationship, I should give it all up.
I’ve asked him and his family to come visit me and stay with mum but I’m always rebuffed because of work or something else. I’ve given up. It really saddens me as I feel we’ve really drifted apart as a family. I was devastated the year before Dad passed away to discover everyone except me and my kids had been invited to my nephews 18th (brothers son) ~ it was a family dinner and I didn’t find out about it until a family member posted about it on Facebook 😢
Now every time my brother texts me, it’s always about mum and expecting me to go there at short notice. He’s really blunt, and seeing him texts gives me extreme anxiety.
I just wish I knew how to handle this. If my DD can’t take mum on Wednesday I expect he’s going to give me a really hard time.
Sorry it’s so long. Just feeling really anxious and tearful here..

Oh and regarding your motorway phobia are there no trains going anywhere near your mum's?
Get a train to the nearest station then a taxi when you want to visit Mum for a day (or 2)?

Typical mumsnet use of 'demand' there when OP only said that he'd "like" her mum to visit.

If he's in very poor health, however, it might be that he doesn't have much time left, so brother wants to facilitate it/mum desperately wants to see him.
A taxi for 40 miles (x2) is probably going to be a lot of money, so it's very possible that neither can afford it.

If course that doesn't mean that OP has to drop everything (when she has no leave available). And the same applies to DB. But I'd probably be seeking out alternatives. Or given that there'd be petrol costs involved in going up, maybe you could offer something towards the taxi fare istead, OP?

A PP made a very good point. I’m not well off, my brother is better off than me due to double income, only DS is almost 19 and on a scholarship at a sports college in US, and has come into a double inheritance via my SiL…and my uncle (who wants mum to visit. Is not her brother, but my late dad’s) is very very wealthy. He is actually a lovely man but he’s not in good health. If it came to it he could definitely afford to pay for a taxi for mum to make the 80 mile round trip. I hadn’t thought of that!

In your brothers eyes your not pulling your weight with your mum
from experience living nearer does seem like everything gets dumped on you

there other options than motorways but you seem to be using that as a get out of jail card for not going

If it was genuinely the brother who encouraged his mum to move up there, he's really in no position to strongly resent OP not helping out. But on the other hand I'd find it frustrating for her to just opt it because of the motorway thing. There are other roads as she's now acknowledged.

Obviously as I'm the one who moved away (albeit to get the only job available to me when I left uni 45 years ago) I wouldn't blame my brother if he resented having to be the one dealing with all the minor stuff. But I do constantly make sure that he's giving me as much to deal with as I can from a distance. Fortunately admin and phone calls are the things he's least comfortable with, so he's appreciative of me taking them on.

I go up reasonably regularly, but he's the first to say that I shouldn't bother going as often (mum is very difficult and doesn't appreciate the visits anyway). Either way he knows I have his back in it all.

OP Join everyone on the Cockroach Cafe thread on the Elderly Parents board.
You'll get lots of advice and support from people in the same boat.

Your brothers life & work isn't more Important that yours so you are right to be upset about his attitude towards that.

However, you need to sort out your driving as that would drive me mad if had to take on an unfair responsibility of looking after a parent because my sibling didn't want to drive on the motorway!! In the kindest way possible, you need to prioritise sorting this out as it is limiting your life.

In the meantime is there no other way to get to your DMs that doesn't involve the motorway? Even if it's longer it's surely better than not visiting her at all. It's not fair on your DD to be responsible for taking you there either as she has her own life too.

YABU

How is he texting "in a sarcastic tone" ? You are looking for stuff that isn't there. Text, by their very nature, are short and to the point.

Of course you can't drop everything to take your Mum to lunch with your Uncle, but he isn't wrong to say "Mum wants to do this, is there anything you can do?".

Just because he is the child who is closer, he shouldn't need to be the one to do everything either. You, or he, just say "Sorry, Mum, you know we are at work then. If you want one of us to take you to see Uncle, you'll have to arrange it on one of the days we are there {suggest dates}, or get {cousin's names} to collect you, or get a train/bus/other public transport"

Of course it is difficult when parents live a couple of hours drive away. They should have considered that when retiring away, and they chose to ignore it, so that isn't your fault.

Of course you can't be expected to move.

It does seem daft to restrict yourself by limiting your driving at such a young age. Not just for visiting your Mum.

The whole birthday dinner thing you are taking too personally too. A family go out to celebrate a child's 18th birthday, and invite the child's Grandparents. Very normal. That doesn't mean you were 'excluded'. It just means it wasn't that big an affair. It was dinner with the Grandparents.

I don't particularly like motorway driving either so when I need to I set out really early or really late when there's less traffic. It makes a big difference to how I feel about it.

That's not helpful. Not everyone is as competent as you.

You've got a busy life already, your brother encouraged the move, your parents went along with it, this is their problem as far as I would be concerned.
Wealthy uncle or well of DB can sort this out between them.
I'd be ignoring any snarky texts, he probably won't bother with you when your mother dies so cut back from him now is my suggestion.

Re: the birthday dinner for DN - it wasn’t just the grandparents that went, it was extended family (aunts, uncles etc) so I was deliberately excluded (and my children)