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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband won't spend time with me

31 replies

malora · 18/08/2023 23:31

My husband and I have always been super close and enjoy spending time together just him, me and our toddler. Recently after work, he has started going to the gym for maybe 3 hours at a time. Monday-Saturday. 3 hours a time. He goes with a new close friend. Said close friend has also started coming on our dates with us, he's lovely don't get me wrong, and I'm happy he's made a close friend, but their time together seems excessive and that I've taken on a second child. They work together 5 days a week, gym together 6 days a week and then go on to spend their weekends making plans that don't involve our son or I. This week I've been extremely sick with gastroenteritis on top of being pregnant, which means I've been off of work all week with my head inside of a bag, with no help taking care of our son. This weekend, we were going to go and buy a new washing machine. I asked what time we were going, only to be told I'd been replaced by said friend. Later on after that they're going to a bbq and getting drunk. On Sunday they're planning to go out and do some other activities but it just hurts that my husband no longer wants to spend any time with me. Am I being unreasonable for being upset?

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/08/2023 23:38

Is this new friend male or female? If he is male, has your husband ever shown any signs of being gay?

MaryJanesonabreak · 18/08/2023 23:41

Sounds like time to have a serious conversation with your husband because his behaviour is like he has dumped you. You need to call this bullshit out because he is not six years old ffs!

Original poster

malora · 18/08/2023 23:42

Just to clarify this friend is male! Xx

OP posts:

Ace56 · 18/08/2023 23:43

Yes was going to say, if the friend is female then 100% he is having an affair or wants to. If the friend is male, he is either gay or just pining for a single, child free life again.

None of these options are acceptable so you need to sit him down and tell him this. I would say gym a couple of times a week is ok, and maybe seeing the friend on the weekend every now and again. Certainly not every weekend and every day!

Lockeddownagain · 19/08/2023 00:08

Mt husbands got one of these friends 10years younger no kids and mybhusband basically seems to think he is the same

Premfove · 19/08/2023 00:11

This is weird OP, YANBU I wouldn't like it either. How old (roughly) is your DH? Is he young? That's the only mitigating factor I can come up with...if he's in his 30s+ I'd be concerned about this.

Kitkatcatflap · 19/08/2023 00:34

Was the pregnancy planned? I say this as it sounds like he is trying to be 'young' again - single without responsibilities. I am assuming the new friend is single. As its a recent thing, maybe becoming a Father is scaring him. Have you tried talking to him about it? Abandoning you when you are ill and pregnant is not on - neither is ditching joint weekend plans to get drunk with his mate

Cantthinkofausername2023 · 19/08/2023 00:41

His behaviours embarrassing.you need to put a rule down that he saves the weekends for the family. Sorry Op. I hope he sees the light and starts giving you the time and attention you deserve. Some men can be like this and tbh I don't think they actually realise what they're doing. They're just a bit stupid.

Original poster

malora · 19/08/2023 11:21

@Premfove he's 26, the thing that worries me is, his friend never had time for him before he was single. Now he has nobody im scared he's using my husband

OP posts:

Original poster

malora · 19/08/2023 11:22

@Kitkatcatflap yes completely planned which makes it even more hurtful that he won't be there for me while I'm sick :(

OP posts:

PinkiOcelot · 19/08/2023 11:26

That is not on OP! Who needs to go to the gym 6 times a week. You should have words. This is totally unfair on you.

Could it be more than friendship? Sounds rather intense.

nutbrownhare15 · 19/08/2023 11:28

Go to the gym 18 hours a week? Carrying on going when you are sick? Yanbu. I'd be curious and looking to have a very serious chat about what is acceptable.id say gym twice a week and boys night out once a month. If he won't budge I'd be thinking about leaving. He's hardly there anyway.

nutbrownhare15 · 19/08/2023 11:28

furious not curious!

SuffolkUnicorn · 19/08/2023 11:30

is he gay?

Marwoodsbigbreak · 19/08/2023 11:36

Mate! Your husband is gay/bisexual.

Premfove · 19/08/2023 11:38

I don't think gay, I think young and finding it hard to accept he's a family man now. 26 is young in male terms anyway.

I would discuss with him that it's too much OP and that he has to grow up as he's a father now. He can still have fun with friends but it comes secondary to you and DC

SpacePotato · 19/08/2023 11:42

Have you actually spoken to him.
Told him that he needs to look at his priorities.

CherryMaDeara · 19/08/2023 11:43

Why aren’t you more angry, OP? Your DH is leaving you alone to cope with a child, and especially when you’re pregnant and suffering.

You need to find your anger.

Also, is it possible DH is gay?

strawberry2017 · 19/08/2023 11:46

I'm with the others, my immediate thought was your partner is gay.

Friendshipissue · 19/08/2023 11:46

A friend of mine is having a similar problem with long term partner. They aren't gay but in a very infantile male friendship. Her partner is a recovered alcoholic and the new friend caused him to relapse and note he has diabetes. She is so fed up thinking of parting as they are glued to each other with bad habits.

britnay · 19/08/2023 11:48

Unless he is a professional athlete, there is no reason to be at the gym for 3 hrs at a time. My husband is fit and lifts weights every day, but no more than 45 minutes.

LogicVoid · 19/08/2023 11:53

He's opting out of being a partner and being a parent. Time to ask him if he wants to remedy it or not.

SootspriteSearcher · 19/08/2023 12:01

If your husbands friend has newly become single he could be really struggling so it's nice he has your husband supporting him.

However I would be having a chat and saying that he needs to make more time for you. You need to have a compromise, so talking it through rather than demanding he stops seeing his friend will be much more productive.

Olika · 19/08/2023 12:03

You need to have a chat. He cannot behave like a single man when he has a child and pregnant wife.

Jumpingthruhoops · 19/08/2023 12:12

It doesn't sound like he's gay just that he still wants to be a 'boy' and do 'boy' things like gym, nights out drinking and BBQs - and, at 26, doesn't sound even remotely ready to be a parent.

Yes, you could try and sit down and talk to him about it but sounds like it'll more than likely end up in a row. Plus, I frankly wouldn't want to be with someone who had to be told they should be with me. This should be obvious.

Aside from all that, he's clearly just not being honest with you - this would be the biggest red flag for me. No one goes to the gym for three hours a day, six days a week (unless they are an athlete!). You're entitled to know what he's really doing with this time - especially if you're at home sick.

If he can't/doesn't want to take your feelings into account, then you might need to decide if he's really the person you want to raise a child with.

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