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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't spend time with me

31 replies

malora · 18/08/2023 23:31

My husband and I have always been super close and enjoy spending time together just him, me and our toddler. Recently after work, he has started going to the gym for maybe 3 hours at a time. Monday-Saturday. 3 hours a time. He goes with a new close friend. Said close friend has also started coming on our dates with us, he's lovely don't get me wrong, and I'm happy he's made a close friend, but their time together seems excessive and that I've taken on a second child. They work together 5 days a week, gym together 6 days a week and then go on to spend their weekends making plans that don't involve our son or I. This week I've been extremely sick with gastroenteritis on top of being pregnant, which means I've been off of work all week with my head inside of a bag, with no help taking care of our son. This weekend, we were going to go and buy a new washing machine. I asked what time we were going, only to be told I'd been replaced by said friend. Later on after that they're going to a bbq and getting drunk. On Sunday they're planning to go out and do some other activities but it just hurts that my husband no longer wants to spend any time with me. Am I being unreasonable for being upset?

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 19/08/2023 12:15

You are a single parent now in all but name.

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 19/08/2023 12:23

Jumpingthruhoops · 19/08/2023 12:12

It doesn't sound like he's gay just that he still wants to be a 'boy' and do 'boy' things like gym, nights out drinking and BBQs - and, at 26, doesn't sound even remotely ready to be a parent.

Yes, you could try and sit down and talk to him about it but sounds like it'll more than likely end up in a row. Plus, I frankly wouldn't want to be with someone who had to be told they should be with me. This should be obvious.

Aside from all that, he's clearly just not being honest with you - this would be the biggest red flag for me. No one goes to the gym for three hours a day, six days a week (unless they are an athlete!). You're entitled to know what he's really doing with this time - especially if you're at home sick.

If he can't/doesn't want to take your feelings into account, then you might need to decide if he's really the person you want to raise a child with.

This. You need to have a conversation with him and make some decisions for you. No doubt he'll kick off and say you're 'controlling' etc etc, be prepared.

He sounds a bit ridiculous

Herejusttocomment · 19/08/2023 12:28

malora · 19/08/2023 11:21

@Premfove he's 26, the thing that worries me is, his friend never had time for him before he was single. Now he has nobody im scared he's using my husband

Is this friend rotating through friends? As in, really good friends with someone for let's say 6 months, then that person is never heard of again, then another friend for 1 year, then another, then another.

Also, you need to sit your DH down and say this is not acceptable, maybe even write down the number of hours he spends with his new friend. Being replaced by this friend when you were going to buy a washing machine shouldn't have happened, that's a decision you should have been in on, the friend is not going to use it, is he?

I have a feeling your DH is so desperate to have a male friend he's easily manipulated by this person and that person might be doing a friendship version of love bombing.

jannier · 19/08/2023 12:59

Gay or using it as an excuse to meet other women and party.

Burningthroughthesky · 19/08/2023 13:07

Tell him to stop taking the piss.

He can't go out to a BBQ and get drunk tonight, because you're not well and he needs to look after his son.

shiningstar2 · 19/08/2023 13:23

Sometimes actions speak louder than words in these situations. You have asked for more consideration and personal time and you are not getting it. Now you need action. First accept and really believe that you are as entitled to as much free time as you husband ...not easy I know when you have a toddler and are pregnant. Then take time for yourself ..at least one of the week nights and Saturday or Sunday. Doesn't matter what you do without .. cinema library out for coffee/lunch with friend ext. This puts your DH in the same position he's putting you in ...leaving you alone with toddler. This is sometimes enough for realization to occur and time out of the home is reduced...doesn't like the trade off. If not it still establishes you are entitled to a life as well. Worked for friend. Just be ready for a handover as he comes in door. Or tell him you are going out before he's up at weekend. Sudden opportunity for lunch with friend...or taking car for long walk at beach as have realized how beneficial exercise is and you need some too. If even these tactics don't work and make him realize that you need time time away from toddler too then you do have a big problem. I know this doesn't obviously answer issue of time together but it can be a spin off. Friends DH found he would rather have together time than be left in total charge of baby and small child. Hope it can be sorted before baby arrives op. 💐

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