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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell sister in law her husband has cheated and that there is a baby

46 replies

Hpop · 18/08/2023 22:31

Two years ago my husband and his 2 brothers went back to their home country for a funeral. After 2 weeks my husband and his younger brother returned to England, whereas their older brother stayed due to immigration issues. During this time they began to hear through the grapevine that their older brother was due to get married. They both called and confronted him and he denied this. Following this they heard through family members that he did indeed marry a second wife and were sent some photos of him on the alleged wedding day. My husband informed his sister in law that her husband has apparently remarried. Throughout this the brother denied this and most of the family refused to get involved or speak to the UK wife, in the end one of their sisters called the UK wife and stated it was a misunderstanding of a friend's wedding. Time passed, the husband returned to the England and all returned to normal.

Then last year summer my husband's brother once again returned to his home country, stayed for a few months and again returned to England after immigration had been sorted. We have since heard his second wife has now had a baby. Most of the family are of the view that they are not getting involved. However, no-one will directly say to the UK wife that her husband is lying, nor give any actual evidence of this second marriage, so the UK wife feels she can't act from rumours.

Fast forward to this summer, me and my husband and our kids went with my mother in law to their home country. They all know I get on well with the first wife and so no one says anything directly to me. Although my mother in law showed me baby things that her oldest son had asked her through WhatsApp to bring, she didn't say who it's for or why. They obviously did not introduce me to this second wife. However my husband's grandma did have a rant at her daughter (my mother in law), my husband and his sister, about their brother remarrying and the fact there is now a child born with no one to take care of it. This was not done in English but with the use of names and certain words like marry and baby being the same I was able to work it out. My husband is of the view he doesn't want to be involved and it's his word against his brother. I'm however torn, I feel like I am also hiding the truth from my sister in law.

My husband feels we should just keep quiet, as perhaps my sister in law already knows. Her husband is not going to admit to the relationship anyway. My husband is of the view if we say anything we will just be painted as the relationship destroyers. They won't talk to me directly but his mother and their younger brother share this view and have stated this to my husband.

AIBU To tell my sister in law, potentially ruin their family for this affair and subsequent child which I have no real evidence for and noone willing to say anything about. Yet do so knowing I would want to be told in this situation.

AIBU To tell her
YANBU To not say anything

OP posts:
wizzywig · 18/08/2023 22:33

Is this in Pakistan?

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 18/08/2023 22:34

I think you should do what you feel is right. If she wasn't your SIL and just a friend would you day something?

Ghastisflabbered · 18/08/2023 22:36

The family is already ruined isn’t it? The only thing being fought about here is who knows just how badly it’s ruined.

So telling your sister in law won’t ruin it further, it will just give her the concrete knowledge so that she can make plans for whatever she wants to do - either to leave him or accept this.

For what it’s worth, I couldn’t not tell her and I’d take a dim view of my husband if he was in favour of keeping quiet - it would (rightly or wrongly) make me question what he hadn’t told ME in favour of an easy life.

Notimeforaname · 18/08/2023 22:36

If she has not left him already, she probably wont, even with proof.
That's a horrible situation. So cruel

TreesandFish · 18/08/2023 22:37

wizzywig · 18/08/2023 22:33

Is this in Pakistan?

Why is that relevant? It could be many places, including half of Africa

SlowlyLosing · 18/08/2023 22:39

I'm not sure what is achieved by telling her? She'll confront him, he'll call you a liar.

Assume she knows you've been? So she will ask if she wants to know.

Poor other wife too.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 18/08/2023 22:41

There is a child born with no one to take care of it?

Elieza · 18/08/2023 22:49

He’s a bastard.

There is bound to be evidence somewhere of some kind of marriage.

I don’t think any religions say it’s ok to marry a second wife without first telling the initial wife and without providing for children resulting from the union.

Id tell her.

Same thing happened to my pal. The guy had religious wedding in his country and registrar wedding in U.K. with my pal who didn’t know about the other wife. It was an arranged marriage abroad as the parents decided that when the kids were 6 years old. So the kids ‘had’ to marry. Even though they weren’t interested and found love elsewhere.

Original poster
Hpop · 18/08/2023 22:55

I am of the view she should be told and I strongly think it's terrible they are not telling her. Hence why they will not openly discuss it in front of me. I am disappointed my husband won't just say what he knows but him and his younger brother are of the view that if their brother is fundamentally denying this, and their mother won't say anything then they are best to just keep quiet. I think I am torn of if I should say anything even if nothing will come from it.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/08/2023 22:59

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 18/08/2023 22:41

There is a child born with no one to take care of it?

Probably means financially.

He got into a relationship with this woman during his extended stay, pressure or stupidity meant that he married her (presumably not legally?!) and now there is a child but he isnt supporting either the second wife or the child and the burden is on his extended family. I cant say I would be happy either if I was the MIL's mother either.

Is the UK wife from the same country/religion/culture as the her husband @Hpop ? Are you? I wonder if that has some bearing on whether, although she may not like it, she may be prepared to put up with the situation if it is deemed acceptable in that culture.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 18/08/2023 23:02

The difficulty is, your DH did tell her already.

Original poster
Hpop · 18/08/2023 23:09

Yes, the child born to the second wife lives with its mum but the extended family I presume are having to support. I know his best friend is the one that communicates with the second wife so he isn't traced. Similarly he could easily send money to his family and get them to take this to the second wife. It's all very hidden and deceptive. I think it's the long term financial burden, and not having a dad around that their grandma is worried about.

I'm a different culture to all of them, I'm English. I do think that has impacted my view. My sister in law is of the same culture as my husband's family, although she obviously wouldn't have expected or wanted this I can't help but wonder if my response is guided by my background so would be completely different. But I also don't know if I am unreasonable to just join in keeping the secret

OP posts:
similarminimer · 18/08/2023 23:15

If she is your friend then tell her what you know.

OhcantthInkofaname · 18/08/2023 23:18

Tell her --- what happens the day her husband disappears and never comes back? She deserves to know.

SurreyPsych · 18/08/2023 23:19

There is no way I would keep this from someone. I wouldn’t frame it as fact, but I would present what I have heard.

This would cause HUGE problems in my marriage if my husband and his family were prepared to cover for something like this. I would lose all faith in them. It is appalling. Do they have no respect for the first wife?

I am sorry you’re in this situation, but someone must say something. If you feel like it shouldn’t be you, put it back on your husband/ mil/ bil.

BarbieDesvelada · 18/08/2023 23:20

I don't know, be realistic, do you believe she has the energy, self-respect and finances to leave him?? If not, maybe you're just making her humiliation OBVIOUS

GoingInsaneAhhh · 18/08/2023 23:20

Tell her. Wdym there is no one to look after the baby?

SurreyPsych · 18/08/2023 23:22

BarbieDesvelada · 18/08/2023 23:20

I don't know, be realistic, do you believe she has the energy, self-respect and finances to leave him?? If not, maybe you're just making her humiliation OBVIOUS

That is a good point, but she is being humiliated either way! Maybe she thinks other people don’t know. If OP speaks to her, at least she is aware that she cannot trust the family, either.
She deserves better and should make a decision based on all available information.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/08/2023 23:22

GoingInsaneAhhh · 18/08/2023 23:20

Tell her. Wdym there is no one to look after the baby?

Financially. The BIL's extended family are having to support the second wife and child as he isnt doing.

GoingInsaneAhhh · 18/08/2023 23:22

Also how does it work if someone is legally married in uk and then legally married in another country. Could you get into trouble for this?

Comtesse · 18/08/2023 23:24

The thing is - if her family falls apart it’s because her husband is an arse not because you tell her there is another woman. Letting her know is minor in the scheme of “family destruction”, the fault is very firmly his.

Dotcheck · 18/08/2023 23:24

What an awful family. This includes your husband, and you, really if you decide to just keep it all secret.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 18/08/2023 23:28

Tell her. If you are English abide by OUR culture. They are liars, thrives and cruel. She deserves truth.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 18/08/2023 23:30

Either way I would go for what feels right. Clearly they're wrong to lie and manipulate.

It is hard to lose the family - but who would want a family who would do the exact same to you? Next time you get a new wife...

BoohooWoohoo · 18/08/2023 23:33

I would tell too.
If your h can keep this secret and hang out with his brother and wife, how can you trust him to be honest with you?
It sounds like SIL is unlikely to leave but if this is all revealed maybe BIL will be able to see the baby openly rather than keeping them a dirty secret?

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