To tell sister in law her husband has cheated and that there is a baby

[Hpop]

Two years ago my husband and his 2 brothers went back to their home country for a funeral. After 2 weeks my husband and his younger brother returned to England, whereas their older brother stayed due to immigration issues. During this time they began to hear through the grapevine that their older brother was due to get married. They both called and confronted him and he denied this. Following this they heard through family members that he did indeed marry a second wife and were sent some photos of him on the alleged wedding day. My husband informed his sister in law that her husband has apparently remarried. Throughout this the brother denied this and most of the family refused to get involved or speak to the UK wife, in the end one of their sisters called the UK wife and stated it was a misunderstanding of a friend's wedding. Time passed, the husband returned to the England and all returned to normal.

Then last year summer my husband's brother once again returned to his home country, stayed for a few months and again returned to England after immigration had been sorted. We have since heard his second wife has now had a baby. Most of the family are of the view that they are not getting involved. However, no-one will directly say to the UK wife that her husband is lying, nor give any actual evidence of this second marriage, so the UK wife feels she can't act from rumours.

Fast forward to this summer, me and my husband and our kids went with my mother in law to their home country. They all know I get on well with the first wife and so no one says anything directly to me. Although my mother in law showed me baby things that her oldest son had asked her through WhatsApp to bring, she didn't say who it's for or why. They obviously did not introduce me to this second wife. However my husband's grandma did have a rant at her daughter (my mother in law), my husband and his sister, about their brother remarrying and the fact there is now a child born with no one to take care of it. This was not done in English but with the use of names and certain words like marry and baby being the same I was able to work it out. My husband is of the view he doesn't want to be involved and it's his word against his brother. I'm however torn, I feel like I am also hiding the truth from my sister in law.

My husband feels we should just keep quiet, as perhaps my sister in law already knows. Her husband is not going to admit to the relationship anyway. My husband is of the view if we say anything we will just be painted as the relationship destroyers. They won't talk to me directly but his mother and their younger brother share this view and have stated this to my husband.

AIBU To tell my sister in law, potentially ruin their family for this affair and subsequent child which I have no real evidence for and noone willing to say anything about. Yet do so knowing I would want to be told in this situation.

AIBU To tell her
YANBU To not say anything

I don't know if I can't not tell her, because I think it's too big of a lie. I similarly don't know if she would leave him anyway. I do wonder if she is trying to save face and already knows. I was thinking of asking her if she actually wanted to know what I heard and has she considered the consequences of that, and saying I would let her think about it for like 2 days or something. I also think that the immediate family should say but they have made it very clear they are not getting involved, I think they intend to act just as surprised if it comes out and state they thought it was rumours. My brother and his younger brother have cut contacts with their older brother but not to the amount it's obvious. So the only way his first wife would find out anything would be through me.

Go with your gut and just remember you hold a similar position in your ILs family to your SIL.

This happened with my BIL and I decided SIL should know. She ultimately chose to accept the situation and stay with her husband. ILs said they knew this would be the case and was part of the reason why they never felt compelled to tell her
Most people said I shouldn't have felt so strongly as it was not my husband and family will always stick together.
Well, I could never look at my ILs in the same way again and that was pretty much the beginning of the end of my relationship with them.

You sound pathetic.

Well at least most who told the truth didn't regret saying it. I didn't even think about the new baby and how my actions would impact them, I think that's too far ahead for me right now. I think unfortunately the end result may be that the first wife stays with him but I have to be open to accept that, and for it to still be the right decision to say something. At least by posting I am no longer made to feel like I am mad for wanting to tell the truth to the first wife.

At the end of the day, you have to share a bed with your conscience. Can you sleep soundly know that you chose not to tell her?

I think your plan of asking her if she wants the details and then leaving it with her to come back to you when she is ready is the best one. She knows that you know whats going on and she has the freedom to decide for herself if she wants more details. I wouldnt give a time frame, leave it with her. It may take a long time for her to come back and want to know, but in the mean time maybe keep a diary or something with it all in, dated, so when and if she does ask, you have it all there.

Yes, I would tell her what you know but let her know also that you'll take her lead on what she wants to do with the information. If she wants to keep it on the down low herself then do that.

Poor woman, but at least she will be forewarned and forearmed.

What happens to that baby is down to BIL not you.

He is hardly father of year as it is, and he has clearly burned more than a few bridges with the family back in his home country. Unfortunately it does seem like he will have no real consequences for his actions, but at least you will know you did the right thing.

Would your DH support you in telling her? Sorry if you already said.

Grim situation. I'd feel horrendous not to tell my SIL. But as she shares their "culture" and you've married into it that slightly changes/complicates things.

How would your husband react if he found out you told her? How do you expect the brother himself would react? Just concerned they'd turn on you or the woman/women in question.

She deserves to know. Get her alone and tell her just the facts as you know them, without speculation or any assumptions. Assure her that you will support her and accept any decision she makes and that you will never raise the issue with her again, but are there for her should she need to talk. And that you will not discuss her with any other family members or people who know her.

My husband has decided he's not getting involved. He knows he can't stop me if I've made up my mind so they just don't tell me everything. For instance they probably wouldn't have told me what his grandma had said if it wasn't for the fact I'd already understood half of it. Similarly if it all blows up, I would guess that my brother in law himself would guess I have spoken to his wife considering I've just returned from there, and he knows his mum wouldn't say. So I suppose I best be aware of that, however we aren't exactly best friends anyway. Thanks for the reassurance about the new baby as well. That's a separate issue and nothing to do with me and this decision.

I'm going to write everything down as advised and leave it that if she wants more information to come to me.

It's a shame it's come to this but I don't think I could not at least give the option for her to know more information.

I wouldn't write anything down nor prejudge whether she already knows about this or not, but if you consider her a friend, have a quiet word

I think this may be your best bet OP. However, I would be very concerned that if your DH and his family are happy to cover up such a big secret for his DB, then what might they be hiding from you, now or in the future. The whole thing sounds very messed up to me, but like you, I'm English.

Tell her she needs to know for sure from your husbands family if her hubby is not telling her.

Maybe she does know
She just feels humiliated to admit to knowing so plays ignorant

What an appalling, shameful family you married into. It astounds me that you willingly married into this "culture." Your husband may very well do the same to you.

“What an appalling, shameful family you married into. It astounds me that you willingly married into this "culture."”

I think you need to stop with the judgement. OP is concerned about her SIL. And asked for opinions on what she should tell SIL what she knows or not.

Judging OP, when OP has done nothing wrong is just mean and nasty.

And It’s not like this stuff doesn’t happen in “our culture” I know of two men that have hidden children. Both these man are of white Anglo Saxon descent.

Thanks for the helpful advice.
Just for the record I know lots of people within their culture that are appalled by this, such as grandparents and close family friends, who agreed with my husband and his younger brother for telling her. However, when their brother then denied everything to his first wife, he then got another relative to reassure her that it was just rumours it was felt they couldn't speak over what he had said because it'd always be a case of one word via his word, especially as they wasn't in the country when it happened. It was as if they were trying to cause issues by telling her and it didn't help that their mum wouldn't get involved. Both my husband and his younger brother have taken a step back from their older brother, we don't visit often, not spend Christmas or such events together. Nonetheless, due to their mum still wanting a relationship with everyone we can't completely cut them off, similarly my children want to see their cousins and they have no idea, also I think it's almost like you are punishing his first wife for her husband's actions and she is actually my friend. I think culture is almost irrelevant, other then it putting the affair and child in another country.

Does the first wife have children? I would be suspicious if my DH kept disappearing off for a couple of months a year.

Also how can he support both families financially if he's travelling to and from two countries?

Op, I asked about location only because I'm from that background. And having a second wife 'back home' just seems to happen.

I would have to tell her.

I am not a ‘you have to tell them person’, but this guy has another wife and kid, so yep, she needs to know.

Another member was outraged about a question if it was Pakistan. I think it is very relevant to know the nationalities and religions of the people involved. If the guy belongs to a nationality/religion that allows more than one wife then he has done nothing wrong except lie by omission! Unless the 1st wife has to give approval? If the 1st wife is of the same culture, she will deal with it. If she is e.g. British or European that is a whole other case scenario. It sounds simpler to keep right out of it or you will be the bad guy but if the 1st wife is European and finds out about the 2nd wife and about you knowing, she will never forgive you. What about an anonymous letter - I'm deadly serious.